DP emailing another woman

[DSM]

I need some advice.

Dp has been 'secretly' emailing another woman. Short background - she is a girl that he had a short fling with a few years ago (before we met) and apparently they remained friends after. She emailed him about 5 months ago, and they exchanged a few emails back and forth. One evening he confessed this to me as he was feeling guilty and wanted no secrets.

He's never mentioned it since, but I recently found out there have been 3 more emails, 2 from her and a reply from him. The last one was from her a few days ago. He also looked through her photos on facebook and did a google search of her name.

He told me the evening he confessed that he'd told her all about us and our new house, but I've since read the emails and he has never mentioned me.

I don't know what to do.. He is terribly loving and affectionate, and keeps asking if I am okay as I am obviously being a little quiet whilst I ponder this.

Should I confront him, or leave it and 'follow the progress' of the emails? Or am I overreacting and should allow him his privacy?

Any advice would be great.

If it helps, the emails are innocently natured, and wouldn't think twice about the content, it's the fact he's hidden it that bothers me.

Well he's hidden them because he knows you will feel uncomfortable, but yet he carries on emailing regardless. So he feels guilty, but not guilty enough to actually stop.

You need to decide how big a deal you want to make this - lots of people stay friends with exes, and that works out fine. It's possible that's all this is. But you need to talk to him - the lies and secrecy are the issue, rather than the emails.

Yes, exactly. I am still friends with a few exes myself, and we've been in many social situations where we've had the presence of one. It's not been an issue, because there is nothing to hide.

He can, of course, be friends with whoever he chooses. It's the hiding of it that suggests something is wrong.

I somehow have to confront the issue as it's eating me up inside and will inadvertantly cause problems. I can't leave it. But I don't want to cause a big fuss.

I almost feel like I am waiting for him to say something he shouldn't to justify my feelings of betrayal.

Also worried that telling him I know will lead to him taking greater care over the security of his computer, and if I am honest I like being able to 'check up' on him. Terrible I know, I've been cheated on before and fund it hard to trust. And though I do trust him, this has made me feel that I am wrong to do so?

The hiding of it could still be innocent though. I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here but I have to say it is all a bit suss if you do already have exes-as-friends established as fine.

Could you not just bring it up without fessing up to the snooping?

'Saw an ex of mine today, he looked like shit, haha - so... you ever hear from that girl again from a few months ago? Will I get to meet her?'

men tend to not mention things which they feel might become awkward, with you of with her.
but i would be really aggrieved at not being mentioned at all.
however, the fact that he hasn't mentioned you and conversations have developed might mean he does not know how to mention that he is married quite late down the line iyswim.
i would think more about what makes you unhappy about this; gather your thoughts and tell him calmly without attack. you might see a way forward together

Thanks all for the advice. I'm planning on saying something this evening, we've got dinner at a friends house and I think a calm discussion before we go might be best.

Any other advice still very welcome, I've got all day to mull it over.

Not sure how I'm going to bring it up yet..

I would probably avoid mentioning the digital surveillance for a start..

You could try something like saying you don't mind him being friends with his ex, but you'd like her to be a shared friend, so maybe you could go visit her together?

Before you broach this DSM I think you need to be sure in your own mind what it is you're confronting him about. If it's 'hiding email correspondence' he will say, well I told you about that already so I haven't hidden it. If it's of starting an affair - he'll probably just point to the innocent nature of the emails and say you're barking up the wrong tree. If you're accusing him of having a crush on this person or some kind of emotional involvement - you might find that even if there is something going on there - which there might not be - that he hasn't even admitted it yet to himself so you'll just get a flat denial.

I'd agree with StepSideways and don't let on to the fact you've been checking up on him - he'll be offended and you'll spend the whole conversation talking about issues of personal privacy and trust instead of what you really want to tackle.

Re. his not mentioning you to her - is it possible he mentioned you in an earlier email which his email system has now deleted/archived? I have my emails auto-archived every month to keep my inbox clear.

One hint - how long are his emails to her? The average bloke sending emails to a totally platonic mate will usally (in my experience) keep emails very short and to the point. Like 2-3 sentences max. If he's written reams of well-crafted prose to her, that would be more suspicious to my mind!

Thanks Multiplex.

I agree - I don't want to get caught into a conversation about privacy. I was thinking I could say that the particular account he has been using to contact her (which is one he never uses - its a social networking site that he doesn't use anymore but is still on, and she contacted him through this) came up in the search bar whilst I was entering something else, and I saw her name on it? Though, I wouldn't be able to say I have seen any of the emails as obviously I wouldn't admit to having logged on to read them.

I think I could broach it this way and just see what his reaction is?

The emails are fairly long, but he is a writer so I think it is in his nature not to write short emails.. Hers are a little more flirty in nature though his aren't, she is adding kisses at the end and such and he doesn't (though doubt he would anyway, even if he was 'interested').

I have definitely read them all, they flow in coversation and start with one from her reading along the lines of 'Hello XX, not seen you in a while how are things? and they flow from then.

On the most recent one, she has given him her phone number at the end. He has still not responded to this one (which was 9 days ago) but I know he has since been on the site and looked through her photographs and things. More than once. He also did a google search under her name which was what prompted me to write here.

I almost want to leave it to see how it progresses, but can't get it off my mind enough to act 'normal'.

Oh - and after he told me about it the first time, he said he wasn't going to be replying anymore, and I said I didn't have a problem with it as long as I knew about it.

Try not to read too much into his looking through her photos/googling her name. He could just be curious. I do that to loads of people and I'm not remotely bothered about them. I'm just nosy interested!

I second the advice not to tell him you've been checking up.

Umm, also, I'm slightly ashamed to admit thi but when I have been in similar situations in the past (i.e. knowing something that has been denied) I've called the Ps bluff by saying "You don't sound like you are telling the truth...I know you very well and you're not talking normally, you seem uncomfortable, etc, makes me think you are lying, etc." (or similar). Poor ExP, thought I had magical mind-reading powers.....

Thank you.

I think that is the way I will go. I will tell him I was typing in a similarly names website and it came up in the toolbar thing, and I will see what he says.

What if he lies? Should I get very concerned?

If it is innocent he should have mentioned you. If an ex got in touch with me... or anyone for that matter... after three years the conversation would go something like this
friend - 'hi foureleven, how are you? whats been happening in your life?'

me 'hey, im good thanks my daughters really grown and i have stepdaughter now, ive been with her dad three years and he's wonderful. weve just got a new house im so happy! you?'

I would be concerned that he hasnt mentioned you. Could be innocent, use plimsolls mindreading tricks and confront him.

Hang on... why did he feel guilty and have to tell you about it? would you feel guilty about emailing an ex if it was innocent?

The evening he told me about it there was an argument based on that. Why did he feel guilty? He claimed he just felt like he shouldn't be talking to an ex without telling me.

I agree though, if it were me I think I would have mentioned it. She has asked in the last email more information about his new home, specifically where it is and who he's living with. I am inclined to not bring it up yet and wait to see his reply, if he does reply.

I would wait and see what he replies, if he does reply.

I wouldn't freak out about him not having mentioned you yet. In an ideal world he would have already mentioned you along with a statement of how great you and how much he loves you but the fact that he hasn't doesn't necessarily spell trouble. To be honest, if an ex got in contact with me, rubbing his nose in how great my love life was wouldn't be the first topic I bring up. I'm sure enough in my relationship not to go on abut it, iyswim.

Also, I do understand (although don't necessarily approve of) your DHs reluctance/guilty feelings. Exes are often an uncomfortable topic and people can feel funny about bringing it up.

Maybe he is less likely to reveal all because it is innocent, and, in his eyes, not worth talking about. I have probably not mentioned some contact with an ex to DP preciseley because it is so meaningless. Contact from an ex that was more meaningful (e.g. my most recent ex with whom the break-up was quite fraught) I always mentionn straight away.

I'm not saying there is no cause for concern at all, I couldn't possibly be the judge f that, but I do think a bit caution about reading too much into things at this early stage would be wise.

Oh bugger. Having just read above the thread, it looks a bit like I'm accusing you
foureleven of rubbing your ex's nose in it and not being sure enough of you realtionship. My post was totally not directed at your comment!

Thank you plimsolls, I hope you're right. Deep down o think I know there is nothing untoward happening, I have no doubts of his feelings about me or our relationship and I really don't think he would ever cheat. It's just the fact that he said he would tell me if he spoke to her again and he hasn't.

Can't decide whether to hold off and wait to see if he replies, or confront him today.

It's bothering me, but is it really worth a potential argument?

DSM - you told him the past that you didn't have a problem with it, and that it was his guilt that made him mention it in the first place.

Considering the innocent nature of the emails (so far) it could be that he hasn't mentioned it because he didn't think it worth mentioning.

I stumbled across some (innocent) messages between my dh and an ex of his a while back. I was a bit taken aback, but I woudn't have expected him to mention it to me because there was nothing in it other than a bit of chat about each other's lives - I don't think either mentioned the spouse, but that doesn't mean they're planning on a secret tryst.

It hopefully won't cause an argument.

I think your plan of mentioning that you have seen that he has been in contact (the toolbar thing) is good.

Seeing as you told him that you had no problem with them being in contact as long as it wasn't secret, I think you could say something like "How is she? What does she do nowadays?" etc, the same as you might if it was old male friend. The two of you could then have a regular conversation about her (I'm thinking smalltalk about her job or whatever). Then you can say that you feel a bit crap about the fact he was in contact with her without mentioning it to you. See what he says.

I've been in your situation a few times and have always found that being calm about it helps.

The problem when you get upset and angry is that it creates an issue around the ex and then you can never be sure whether the P is acting weird because they scared you're going to have a go at them or because they are actually guilty of something....

I think it is a really bad idea to discuss it before you go out to friend's for dinner.
If it goes nuclear it will ruin your meal out.

I've decided not to say anything before we go out tonight, will check back tomorrow for any more advice.

Thanks

Thank you sugar mouse.

Sadly, I decided to mention it when we got home last night after a few too many glasses of wine.. Huge mistake. We had a row like we've never, ever had before.

The main problem is.. He lied. He told me again that he'd told her all about me. I asked to read the emails, and he said no because he'd talked to her about apprehensions of our relationship and didn't want me to read them? Unless he's been contacting her elsewhere (which I don't think he has) then he is lying. He also told me that the last interaction was her asking him for money that he'd agreed to sponsor her, again this seems to be a lie.

I honestly don't know what to do now.