DP emailing another woman

[DSM]

I need some advice.

Dp has been 'secretly' emailing another woman. Short background - she is a girl that he had a short fling with a few years ago (before we met) and apparently they remained friends after. She emailed him about 5 months ago, and they exchanged a few emails back and forth. One evening he confessed this to me as he was feeling guilty and wanted no secrets.

He's never mentioned it since, but I recently found out there have been 3 more emails, 2 from her and a reply from him. The last one was from her a few days ago. He also looked through her photos on facebook and did a google search of her name.

He told me the evening he confessed that he'd told her all about us and our new house, but I've since read the emails and he has never mentioned me.

I don't know what to do.. He is terribly loving and affectionate, and keeps asking if I am okay as I am obviously being a little quiet whilst I ponder this.

Should I confront him, or leave it and 'follow the progress' of the emails? Or am I overreacting and should allow him his privacy?

Any advice would be great.

If it helps, the emails are innocently natured, and wouldn't think twice about the content, it's the fact he's hidden it that bothers me.

I think he is about to have an affair with this woman.

For what it is worth, he may not realise he is lying to himself to give himself permission for it to go further - it has taken my husband 18 months to figure out (with my help and what I have thought about after reading posts here) that this is what he did. He completely convinced himself it was all innocent and ok as he was still talking to me about it.

So, he is lying to her because he is about to start an affair.....but even he does not know it yet.....???

I'm not sure I agree with all the "he is just about to ahve an affir" posts, DSM. I may be wrong but just wanted you to know.

Also, I'm a little confused...
Is this what has happened:
OP saw that her DH had been in contact with an ex of his and all the emails were innocent.

OP's DH told OP about the emails but said (a) he had told Ex about OP, (b) he had told Ex he had some misgivings about the OP relationship, (c) he had sponsored Ex to do something by giving money to her brother.

Neither a, b, or c were said in the emails that OP has seen, and OP thinks she has seen all of the emails.

But, is it possible that he is not lying? They just seem like very odd lies.

OP, I think you need to talk to him a bit more.

I know you don't want to have a row and drag it up but there's no harm in you saying (calmly) that you are still upset by the contact he has had, upset by the fact he told her about misgivings in your relationship, upset that he has kept it secret.

You don't need to say any more than that, he can respond. You don't need to accuse him of an affair. You saying you are still upset should be enough to have a conversation about it. He should care enough about your feelings to want to talk about it.

Of course he may not embark on an affair but I have seen similar situations where the dp did go on to have an affair.

Plimsolls - I think you misunderstand. It's not that he doesn't KNOW what he is doing, he does. But he may not count it as an affair as many men don't until the point where they are actually having sex (see Bill Clinton for details). He does know he's doing something wrong, hence the fountain of crap he is spouting now he has been outed, with the stupid stories that don't make sense. After all, if he has a problem why talk to an ex about it but most of all, why tell his partner he has mentioned her to the ex when she has seen he clearly hasn't? He's no different from the married man who ticks the box for Single on Match.com

I did understand what you meant. I just wanted to add a different side as I think that the information we have is not clear in the slightest. It's partly because his stories don't make sense (i.e. why would he think that admitting to the OP that he has been discussing his misgivings about the relationship is better than admitting he hasn't mentioned her?) that I don't want to jump on the "he's having an affair/about to ahve an affair/emotional affair" idea.

I just think this is one of those situations where there may well be other explanations and I didn't get the sense frm the OP that there definitely was something suspicious going on. As I said before, I could be wrong, but I just wanted to post as when i checked back on this thread it felt like there was a torrent of "he's having an affair" type posts and I wanted to add my opinion.

Because I do think that even if the OP's DP has been in contact and hasn't mentioned the OP, he is not necessarily going to end up having an affair!

Ok! Might have to agree to disagree on whether it brings up a mighty red flag... It's just that talking to him at this stage may be pointless as he may have convinced himself it was far less significant than it actually was. I think the OP should talk to him in terms of how would he feel if she had been sneaking about talking to an ex far more than she'd been letting on - and about very sensitive things - especially when the ex was clearly being a bit flirty?

Yes I agree about the OP talking to him about those things.

Am still unclear as to whether he has actually been talking to the Ex about sensitive things or not.... OP, I hope you are clearer than I am!

DSM maybe you could just start by talking to your DP about the things he has actually admitted to, rather than the stuff that he doesn't know you know about or which you're trying not to let him know you know etc etc.

The chief thing is that he has said he has "apprehensions" about your relationship and maybe you need to have a proper discussion about what these apprehensions are.

Does he see a future for you both? Is it the same future you see? I'm sure if you start talking about this kind of thing it will give you an insight into where he is emotionally in relation to you. For a start, if he gives you the brush off....

As for the possible online affair - don't even go there just yet.

(Just to add though - personally I think 'apprehensive' is a funny word to use. I'm a big believer in Freudian slips - is he really saying that he's worried about being apprehended?)

Okay...

I think all the 'affair' responses are a little extreme! I am confident that is not the case. Worst case scenario he's doing a bit of confidence boosting chatting to an ex online.

Just to clarify - his 'apprehensions' that he claims to have spoken of were not of problems in our relationship, we recently got our first house together and she did email him the first time about a week before we got the keys. He claims that he spoke of the natural nerves one has before undertaking a big step like this. I know I had a conversation with a friend about the same thing. Though this is regardless, as I don't believe he actually had that conversation, but even if he did, I've made it very clear that I do not find talking to an ex about any aspect of our relationship in intimate detail appropriate. He agreed.

We are most definitely on the same page when it cones to our relationship, he reassures ne constantly of his love, is tactile and affectionate and regularly reminds me that this is for life. We have a close family relationship on both sides.

If you read the contents of these emails, you would not think 'affair'. Really, they are very innocent (at least on his side, hers are admittedly more flirty in nature, but then she us single and doesn't know he isn't).

My issue was never the emails, it was the fact he didn't tell me about it, and needed advice on how to tell him I knew without admitting to the snooping.

Thank you plimsolls for your altogether less intense replies!

You posted that:
"I asked to read the emails, and he said no because he'd talked to her about apprehensions of our relationship and didn't want me to read them?"

but you now think he was saying he had apprehensions about buying or renting a property for the first time? And why would those perfectly reasonable fears, that you admit you've had yourself, be so troubling for you to read about?

But in any case you don't think this conversation took place at all and he is lying?

And you believe he hasn't told this ex he's in a relationship with you?

How can you be "on the same page" if you are not lying to him, communicating secretly with exes, jealously guarding your E mails and with-holding the fact that you are in a relationship?

It doesn't sound like you are on the same page at all.

He always said the apprehensions he claimed to be discussing were about buying out house. I didn't think it was relevant enough to mention the specifics here, and as is common, omitted certain details so as to remain anonymous. Apologies, didn't mean to cause confusion.

We don't hide emails from each other, hence I have seen these emails. We share a laptop, and we know each others passwords and regularly use one anothers accounts for various reasons. He did however, delete the norification emails from the site where they were conversing, though he does delete everything that doesn't need opened, iyswim, and those emails are just alerts so I would expect him to delete them.. Hope that makes sense?

If he was up to something untoward, he didn't do a very good job of hiding it.

And yes, i do believe we are on the same page, in that we both have the same plans for the future together.

dsm, I really fail to see why you have posted here at all

you are on the same page, he is a good man, the emails are perfectly innocent, he has never lied to you

so what is the problem ? There must be one in your head, or you wouldn't have posted

you are in denial, I think

I posted for advice, he told me a while ago that an pld flame and he had had some email exchanges, promised he would tell me if it happened again, and then didn't.

He also lied about the content originally to make me feel better I presume, and then told further lies to not get caught out lying.

I wanted advice on how to broach the subject, and then later on what to do next.

I never thought he was having an affair, though I appreciate all the replies nonetheless.

I just hope something has helped you, dsm

I think having the same plans for the future does not mean you are on the same page.

And as for your comment 'if there was something going on he didnt do a very good job of hiding it'.
Sorry but often they dont do a very good job (and many get caught out). He has not been 'fully' found out as he has managed to hide emails and persuade you that it is ok.

You are more willing to believe him than think the worst - and actually that is exactly why so many affairs go on.

Okay. Maybe I am being naive and this is/was the beginning of an affair.

It really is a series of perfectly innocent emails, I have no problem with the fact that he replied to her, I have no issue with the content. My only worry was the fact that he didn't tell me.

I don't know why this screams affair to so many, but if there is something I am not seeing please tell me.

He only ever replied to her emails.
His emails were not flirtatious.
She sent his number and he hasn't saved it anywhere or ever attempted to use it.
He made no attempt to delete the Internet history to hide the site.

But..
He didn't tell me that she had emailed him.
He said yes when I asked if he had mentioned me, then further lied at a later stage to cover original lie.

Meant to add - she also asked him to be friends on facebook but he has not taken up the offer nor it appears has he even attempted to find her there.

(she didn't add him, just mentioned in the emails that she was on facebook and had 'lots of pictures', and if he was on facebook he should find her and add her, which he has not done).

He did google search her but as advised by an earlier post, I have put this down to sheer curiosity and nosyness. I've done this for numerous people I haven't the slightest interest in!

I do trust him, but I saw something on his emails that led me to find out he had emailed her AFTER telling me he wouldn't do so again without telling me.

its the doing something you have asked him not to. That is real disrespect to your feelings.

It doesnt really matter if he or anyone else thinks you are being unreasonable the fact is you asked him to tell you and he didnt - he knew he had done wrong so lied to cover it up.

I have had this with my h (who has had an affair) - he still sometimes finds it hard to totally honest (i think like many men he gives the first thing that comes into his head).
But he is getting a lot better.

She doesn't know about our relationship, or my existance, because he hasn't told her.

I would have been seriously fucked off if he'd been discussing important aspects of our relationship too, but he hasn't.

I'm not planning to stop checking his emails, because better to know than nor know, right?