DP emailing another woman

[DSM]

I need some advice.

Dp has been 'secretly' emailing another woman. Short background - she is a girl that he had a short fling with a few years ago (before we met) and apparently they remained friends after. She emailed him about 5 months ago, and they exchanged a few emails back and forth. One evening he confessed this to me as he was feeling guilty and wanted no secrets.

He's never mentioned it since, but I recently found out there have been 3 more emails, 2 from her and a reply from him. The last one was from her a few days ago. He also looked through her photos on facebook and did a google search of her name.

He told me the evening he confessed that he'd told her all about us and our new house, but I've since read the emails and he has never mentioned me.

I don't know what to do.. He is terribly loving and affectionate, and keeps asking if I am okay as I am obviously being a little quiet whilst I ponder this.

Should I confront him, or leave it and 'follow the progress' of the emails? Or am I overreacting and should allow him his privacy?

Any advice would be great.

If it helps, the emails are innocently natured, and wouldn't think twice about the content, it's the fact he's hidden it that bothers me.

dont you think that odd - that he hasnt told her about you?

Maybe you are not an important part of his life and he just 'forgot' to mention it.

I would be seriously pissed off with my h if
1 he did something i have told him i am not happy about.
2 when telling people about himself didnt tell them about
his setup - ie wife and children.

But if you think it is all innocent thats your choice.

Especially if she was being flirty... then he just neglected to mention he was taken. Now, why would he do that? This is what you have to ask yourself. Or you could just stick your head in the sand and see what happens...

It is unusual, and don't get me wrong, I am upset about it, but I have read the emails and in context, I can understand why he hasn't mentioned me yet. Though I still think he could have slipped it in..

I want to clarify, I don't 'check' his emails, we share a computer and sometimes he leaves his emails open, or sometimes he tells me to go in and read something, or sometimes I go in to check something. (this time specifically, I was checking flight details for a trip we took). It's not sneaky. However, having said that, I have been checking the account he's emailed this woman on and read all the emails, and he does not know.

I really hope that my assumption that some of the extreme overreactions and affair-mongering posts are wildly wrong is correct.

DSM, the reason you are getting these posts is not because the writers are hysterical, or prone to over-reaction, but because of the infidelity that has happened to them and which started out in the same way.

Really, if you don't believe us, you could do no worse than buy Not Just Friends. It might help the denial slip a lot.

When people are in denial, they are also a mass of contradictions and this is evidenced by the confusion we are all expressing about what you write. You are monitoring his communications and it seems that you can't admit to that, because if you do, you'll have to justify it by acknowledging you've got legitimate concerns.

Whilst understanding some disingenuousness in your posts in order to hide identity, I seriously struggle to see how it is ever acceptable and understandable to omit to a hopeful woman, that he is in a cohabiting relationship. Actually it's not fair on her, is it?

It also seems that you have bargained with yourself that lying is acceptable in a relationship. Of course the problem with this is that he's "learned" that he can lie without consequence and therefore there is no penalty whatsoever to lying again and about worse things.

Ok, I think many posters here don't allow for the possibility that some men are just plain thick.

His ex contacted him, he told you about it - fine.

He continued speaking to her without your knowledge - he enjoyed the attention - fool

He didn't mention you, she's flirting - he can't mention you now as she'd want to know why the hell he didn't say anything before now - some blokes are stupid

He told you he talked about apprehensions in your relationship because that was the only reason he could think of to stop you from reading the mails, he knew he'd be caught out otherwise - plonker could have come up with something better like.. 'I deleted them'

Now, if it were me, this is how it would play out:

Here, dopey hole - I know she thinks your single, otherwise you would have shown me the mails - why didn't you tell her about me?

Dopey hole stammers and apologies saying that the longer it went on the harder it was to bring it up

Ok so dopey hole, you have three choices here, you mail her back telling her you're in a committed relationship, you ignore her completely OR you fuck off with yourself

Not sure how he could have told her of apprehensions over getting his first house with a partner without telling her he had a partner.

Twas a lie Ingrid!

He didn't mention he had a partner

Partner knew this and wanted to see the mails

Dopey hole couldn't let that happen because then she'd know he lied

Dopey hole makes up another lie to stop partner from looking at mails

It's all very simple really

Gawd its lucky DH and I are too knackered and inert for such intrigue.

I concur with CB's three choices approach

Thank you Celtic, I feel like you've got the gist of things quite well.

My plan going forward, is to let it go, he's fucked up and hw knows it. I don't think he'll be contacting he'd again, but will keep an eye out, just to be sure.

Whilst I agree that one needs privacy, I don't agree that trust is an automatic given, and once something occurs that suggests a mistrust, the levels need to be restored. I am nor going to trust him 100% immediately, but if in say, a months time I can see there has been no further contact then I imagine I will cease checking, as the trust will have been restored.

Hi,

I have been through a similar situation as the OP. However, things calmed down initially following me being angry about his e-mails. Six months later he was starting to do it again. Once the trust is lost it is gone. Your H may well repeat his behaviour in time. You now know that he is capable of presenting himself as a single man. Leopards and spots and all that. You posted on here because his behaviour troubled you. Go with your instinct. Keep checking his e-mails, his phone etc. You may well hate yourself for doing it, but he has given you cause. Knowledge and information are empowering.

He needs some bad consequences from his behaviour, otherwise why should he stop.

I wish I had had Mumsnet when I was younger. Don't rule out ending your marriage. How will you feel in 10 or 15 years if he continues to hide things ( flirtations especially) from you? You will be less able to rebuild your life and then you may feel trapped with a deceitful man and bitter. Of course, he may leave you for someone he has flirted with. I don't want this to sound unkind, but you are so in denial. Good luck.

Thank you for your message.

I don't think I'm in denial, his emails weren't flirty by any stretch, and I don't honestly doubt his commitment or feelings towards me.

However, I do agree that knowledge is empowering, god forbid I ever become victim to an affair and have no clue. Hence, I shall keep a watchful eye.