I shouldn't have looked, but I did...............................................

[curiositykilledthecat]

At some old work diaries/journals belonging to dh.

BTW, I am a v regular Mumsnetter, but really had to go "underground for this!"

I came across the journals when I was having a tidy up and my curiosity got the better of me. He's always said I can look at anything of his - I haven't before and wish I'd stuck to that rule .

So, we were "courting" from September 1997, got engaged January 2000 and married July 2000.

The following is some of the stuff that he wrote during this time - I've changed the names, (just in case!) and am referring to myself as Sue.

There are lots of references to "Mary" or a "Mary type". This was someone he went out with for a couple of months before he met me. It didn't work out (not sure why) - she was from the US and went back there to live.

1997
"Must make more space for Sue. Also, make it a rule to chat up one woman per day".

"The excitement isn't there (referring to me) that there should be. So use her - because she's not destructive. It's a neutral thing at worst."

May 1998

"Want and have Sue. Want and don't have Mary - no reason why I shouldn't find her, it's only been a year".

July 1998
"I've got Sue for sex and Diane (this was an ex long term partner) for companionship"

October 1998
"Waitress Mandy has nice tits and is interested. Estate Agent Sarah looks like a model and is interested. Louise is young and into me. Jenny is a really nice girl with a good brain who likes me. Liz might be into a f* every now and then. There's no reason why I shouldn't do anything about the above." (meaning I didn't matter I assume).

Notice how I figure nowhere on the above list, although there are a few references elsewhere about me being good in bed).

Oct 1998
"Marriage - Mary type - 25 year old. One offs (as in 1 night stands) - yes."

I was referred to in a list with Mary and Sarah, but he wrote a really detailed "review" about Sarah - reasons why he thought she was suitable for him etc etc.

November 1998
"It would be good to meet someone and this is the season for it".

Dec 1998
"Where's the excitement? Still with the Mary type".

Throughout 1999, he still seems to be hankering after Mary and even in November 1999 ( a few weeks before he asked me to marry him) - clearly she's still the type he really wants to marry.

I don't see any definite references to him actually sleeping with someone else, but some things make me a bit suspicious.

I know I shouldn't have looked, I know it's 5 years on, but I'm really hurt. He's always banging on about how much he's always loved me blah blah blah.

I don't know what to do about it either.

Your honest thoughts appreciated (don't mind of they are searingly honest, but be a bit gentle with me).

ps - as you can see from the time of this post, I can't sleep!

Can I ask a realy stupid question. How old was he when he wrote all this stuff?

without being horrible, from what he has written he sounds like a real idiot! i would definitely have to say something because you are not going to be able to forget this and it is going to simmer away and colour everything else in your relationship.

He was in his late 30's when he wrote this , so not a teenager by any means!

I can see some of it could be fantasising, but I do feel bloody insulted. We were very "involved" by mid 98 and supposedly in love. However, he did keep me at "arms length" - took a while to get round to asking me to marry him (used his ex as the excuse), and insisted that we didn't live together before we married (he'd lived with people before). I wasn't mad about this idea, but tried to feel touched by it, thinking he really respected me. Now I think, he was still looking out for someone better and possibly sleeping with other people.

I am so angry I want to punch him in the face. The way I feel right now, I don't give a s* how much he "saw the light", married me and now loves me - he viewed me as the faithful, obedient, trusting, predictable puppy whom he could bend to his will and keep him going with sex on tap.

I need to calm down but I don't know how atm.

Oh, poor you, CKTC, I would be totally disturbed and unnerved if I read that lot.

BUT it does sound as if he was merely struggling to come to terms with the fact that he was heading for 'settling down', and giving himself some immature-batchelor-time in his head. It sounds as if he was 'in transition' and that now he has grown up and is happy with being settled. men are often different in the way they appraoch these things. It probably has absolutely no bearing on the security, and valididty of your relationship now, but that wouldn't stop me feeling a bit sick about it.

Might it help to talk to him about it? Not 'confront' him as such, but say, 'oh, I was dusting / looking for lost documents / needed a photo of you from your schooldays for DS's project/ whatever, and I found myself in your old writings....' and see what his perspective is on it? Otherwise you will gnaw and gnaw at it. You can't 'undo' knowledge, can you?

Don't blame you. I would punch his lights out too or a good punch below the belt. No words of wisdom hun.

sorry, x posted with you CKTC.
Maybe 'confront' is more likely

But Blu he wasn't a spotty teenager, he was late 30's, hardly a fantasising batchelor

Does he still write a journal, im sorry but i'd be searching for it if he did.

Oh cktc, how awful for you. I have to say I agree with others who say they wouldn't be able to be grown up and mature about it either, and I would feel as if I'd been "settled for", which would make me feel really insecure.

Having said that, I do think men are wierd and see things differently from us - I think once they've decided on a course of action "I'm going to settle down with this one", they get on with it and throw themselves into it and don't continue to hanker after other options. It's like they've made their minds up and chances are, he is very happy with the decision he made and does sincerely love and value you. I know that doesn't make it any easier to deal with though. And yes, I too would be looking for the up to date diaries. Wouldn't be able to rest until I'd either found them, or had it out with him. But that's just me, I'm not suggesting that's necessarily the right course of action for you!

To be honest I was considering another option right up until a month before my marriage. I also saw dp as 'the one that would do' and the other option as more exciting.

I wouldn't have told dp though, would I?

AND I did make the right decision

...let sleeping dogs lie, I say, Pandora

cktc - I've just flicked through the rest of the replies so apologies if repeating. I have to say that I had similar (uncertain) feelings about my DP when we originally got together/moved in but we aren't married and I would think that just prior to a marriage a person should be total 'into' the other person. I don't think it means he doesn't love you but if you're that angry about it (which I understand) I think you have to speak to him, otherwise you'll drive youself mad. They do sound very juvenile though (sorry).

WouldYou - yes, I missed the info that he was 30 at the time in x posting with CKTC.
I would be miffed. Very miffed and upset.

CKTC. I believe as most of the people in this thread that his feelings might have changed and become clearer by now, and considering that from all the options he only pursued yours 'til marriage you should rest assured that YOU are the one.

Having said that, I don't think you should keep this to yourself. I believe it would be difficult to forget and it may grow in your mind beyond its real importance, and that could really make a dent in your trust towards him. I believe that you deserve some sort of explanation to keep your mind at ease.

Having said that, this happened a looooong time ago, so having a go at him for something that passed long time ago may be somewhat irrational, but probably, once you have had some time to "digest" the readings and are able to think/talk about them without getting too emotional, you may have a grown up chat about what happened at the time. I don't think that you have to mention the diaries, just ask casually and you can dig up a lot of information which I believe will reasure you about his feelings.

Now, passing to more practical matters, what on Earth was he thinking leaving the diaries around in places where you can use them to write telephones on them? This may mean that he doesn't care at all about these things (or that maybe they were only fantaises long time forgotten) but maybe he could have bin them instead? Actually, if you decide not to pursue the matter I would suggest a bonfire ritual to let the diaries lay in peace

CKTC - is there any way you can go away for a day or so (Without the children)? I think you're right, you need to calm down and that might be easier if you are away from the house for a bit.
if you are going to confront him/talk to him about it, I would say you need to be a lot calmer so you can handle whatever happens, and whatever he says. Obv I don't know him, but isn't it likely he will be defensive and/or angry - and tbh if someone (even my husband) had read my private journals I would not be too happy.
If you can get some time on your own, you can think about what you will achieve by talking to him about it. Like Blu says, you can't undo knowledge - and what if you find out something even worse than you are imagining? What if he says he can't remember? What if tries to laugh it off?
And, if you are not happy with what he says, what are you going to do next? sorry to be blunt, but might this mean that you don't want to continue the relationship? how much are you prepared to forgive so many years down the line?

I think the fact that he left them lying around to be used as message jotters indicates that he doesn't think they're private, and in fact, doesn't attach very much importance to them. He'll probably be bewildered that you do.

It's really difficult - the more I think about it, I have strong suspicions that he may have slept with one of these women. She is someone he knew through work (I have met her a couple of times) - he refers to a date to see her at one point with the word "sex" and a question mark by it. We'd been together a good while by then.

He's joked about her being after him in the past in that sort of "I wouldn't touch her with a bargepole" way that I think is a little suspicious.

I can't let this lie, but it will cause hell and there's nothing I can do about it at the moment as dh is having a very tough time (family matter, not related to me).

Can I just ask for a general view as to whether you think could well have slept with other people? He's always known my strong feelings about this and has said he's like me, has never slept around (uses the v long term partner as an example), but with everything I've read, I'm thinking it was another ruse to keep muggins here hanging about.

where were the jotters CKTC? by the phone etc? or hidden away?

I don't think anyone can answer that question for you cktc but it's going to eat you up unless you ask him about it. Have you ever had any reason to question his honesty before?

They were in a corner in his office, he'd been having a sort out I think - he works from home a lot. I don't go in much - just to vacuum. He's obviously forgotten what's in there and how hurtful it could be.

What an awful thing to discover! I can completely understand how you feel confused and betrayed. It rocks the foundation of trust you have with another person to know that they haven't been completely honest. However, the entries in the diaries were 7 (?) years ago. I think you need to think about how he is with you now that he is your husband, the father of your child and fully committed to a family life with you.

IMO, you need to talk to him about it, but I would do it in a "I feel hurt/upset" way instead of an outraged, accusatory way. Good luck. I know how upsetting it can be, but it was a long time ago that he wrote those things.

I also wouldnt be able to keep quiet about it, it would eventually ruin my realtionship if i did as it would always be in the back of my mind.

My Dp was unfaithful to me, numerous times at the beginning of our realtionship, at the time i didnt know and only found out when i was pregnant with ds1, if i had known i would of ended the relationship there and then, when i did find out i was outraged but glad i had it out with him face to face, (like you i found out from "sniffing" around).
I would not of been able to just find out about it and not get him to explain his reasons why he treated me with such disrespect, when i loved him.
We have been together 8 years now and he is wonderful, so maybe your DH has outgrown that "idiotic- i have women all around me " phrase, but i think if you keep it all in it will eventually destro you as you need answers.

why not leave them out, on the pages that you have seen, so he knows without you having to bring it up first that you have seen them?

Hmmm. From the bits you have quoted, he seems to have been keen on documanting himself quite fully - so if he HAD actually slep with anyone, he would have referred to it unambiguousy, I think. If he makes rference to your attractions in bed, he would have done the same with anone else he had slept with, don't you think?

I must admit that with such an active mental love life, I would think it a definite possibility that he had slept with one of them, but I do think the details would be there in the jotter, if he had! (and that he would then have been more meticulous in hiding / destroying them)

Hi CKTC

This is a very difficult situation. Reading someone's diary (even if they've said they don't mind) is dangerous territory. I used to keep a diary in which I confided everything - some of it really awful, but it helped me to straighten things out in my head. Maybe that's what your DH did.

I'd try to forget it if you are able. But if your every moment with your DH is going to be clouded by what you read, then you need to talk to him about it.

I know a friend who married for "undying love" had a passionate 4 years, but ended up divorced when he met someone else that he loved. I also have a friend who met someone, was friendly and in a relationship for sometime before marrying - not living together and still sort of on the look out for "the one". They are still together, have kids and are very happy. Maybe your DH realised that you are "the one", but took a little time to work it out.

I'm not sure if this has come across very well. But I do hope things work out okay for you both.