secret mobile phone

[GoldenCoral]

Just found the password for DP's online bank and read through his statements and it seems he has been putting the odd payment on a t-mobile phone which is strange considering to my knowledge he only has an orange phone.
So other than having an affair, why would he have this secret phone? or am I jumping the gun and could these payments exist for another reason? I am trying to build a portfolio of evidence against him and do intend to leave so please don't ask why I'm still here. How can I find the secret phone? any ideas how I can delve further into this?

IF he is a bank account watcher he will see when the account was last accessed.

When I log in it says "last log in".

It says more about your relationship that you are hacking into his bank account.

Stop snooping and ask him.

He is your Partner and you need to talk to him

How on earth can we work out which dating site he is on, if any?

Or what the phone is for?

Talk to him.

a fiver wouldnt get him anywhere. I take it this is a pay as you go account? if not you couldve just got on the tmobile site and put in his phone number and set up an account for online billing but, really, can you even be bothered?

Just a quick update. He came home last night, I didn't ask him directly about his bullshit but I did skirt around the issues and he knew full well I was onto him. So he started being really nice, making me hot chocolate, masaging my feet, rubbing my head, all the confessions of a guilty person. When we were in bed I brought up a coversation about how a "friend" had just found out her DP had a secret mobile phone. His voice changed but he held himself together and said "well, its obvious what he's upto then" yes, it is, isn't it DP?
Anyway I asked him broadly if he had more than one phone and he answered in a strained, chalky voice (his lying voice) "nope! no, just the one".
Anyway, today he has gone to work and LEFT his mobile at home. This is VERY, VERY unlike him so I'm thinking he's done this on purpose to try and difuse the situation. I notice he has deleted the incriminating texts and just left mine on there and a couple from work mates. I know some are missing, so why would he delete certain messages and not others?

Anyway I am taking on board what you're saying, forgive me for waffling on, I'm just trying to make sense of it all and even if I never do, until I can physically leave I can't stand the fact that he's walzing around thinking he's so clever and that he's successfully lying to me. It drives me insane knowing I'm sleeping next to someone who has so little respect for me.

so stop sleeping with him

it isn't compulsory, you know

GC, what do you want
do you want him to know you know, and stop
do you want him to admit it, so you can leave him?
do you want to prove that you are cleverer than him.

Do you just want proof so he can't deny it?

sorry for joining your thread but my experience with mobile phones is grim
my exh started locking his phone so I couldn't check it, which I was hoping to do because I was suspicious. He had never locked it before.
it took about 18months for him to leave it one day while he went to the corner shop.
while he was out a text came in and I read it, yes the phone was for once unlocked, a mistake or deliberate? who knows?
anyway it was a text from ow, as soon as he came in i confronted him, he admitted everything, until then he had always denied affair.
i know this is not the same as a secret phone but still he was being secretive by locking it.
i wouldn't hesitate to advise you to ask him directly, my waiting for proof of my exh affair over a couple of years was very damaging, i became a nervous wreck.
don't put yourself through this.

I remember sitting in my lawyers office sorting out the details of the divorce and said to her "I just want total closure on this, I just want the truth from him". Her reply shocked me but it was from experience of dealing with hundreds of divorces, she said "You will never get closure and he will never tell you the truth so stop torturing yourself".

She was right - he never did and now I don't care, I truly understand now the phrase "She's welcome to him".

Next time you find yourself snooping around in drawers and cupboards or wandering around sleepless at 3am then put the time to good use. Start clearing out all the crap and rubbish you have accumulated, make trips to the charity shop, tip etc. Separate your things now - DVD's, CD's, kitchenware - tell him you are spring cleaning. Make sure that when/if the time comes you are ready to go because most of the work will be done.

GC - what are you hoping the outcome will be? Do you still love him?

< she said "You will never get closure and he will never tell you the truth so stop torturing yourself".
She was right - he never did and now I don't care, I truly understand now the phrase "She's welcome to him".

Pedro, this should be a sticky.
Glad you're well out of it!

ItsGrace Again

Not as glad as I am!

I just want GC to retain her dignity throughout this - it is the most important thing to hang on to. I still cannot believe how happy I am now compared with the wreck I was back then. I also cannot believe I expended time and energy caring about what he did to who and when. Divorce was terrifying and worrying about money etc etc but any future was better than the reality I was living with.

I forgave him one affair (with a close friend of mine)I even remained friends with her - but the trust, respect and love disappeared, gradually eroded by even more lies and betrayals. What a doormat I was!

It's strange that I genuinely hardly ever think of him these days - this thread triggered the memories and none of them were good

I just hope GC makes the choice that is right for her and not a knee jerk reaction to a situation that may or may not exist

I'm just completely confused. I don't know what I want. I tell myself "let him get on with it, why care when you're planning to leave anyway?" but when I'm drip-feeded bits of information, either accidently or deliberatly it triggers off this obsession. I've always been treated like shit by men, right the way back from being a child and I don't know, in someway I suppose I'm thinking "he will NOT outsmart me" but then I'm snopping around like a desperate puppy trying to find stuff out when really I shouldn't care. I'm just completely fed up, down and exhausted by it all. I can either let him get on with it, start to distance myself and live my own life and when he whinges that I'm keeping stuff from him I can laugh in his face or I can have it out with him completely, wait a few months and then go through it all again.
I can't physically leave this house yet and I can't force him out either. It's a grey area.
What annoys me even more is that HE is constantly accussing ME of doing stuff behind his back. Portraying his guilt onto me? I think so.

GC - hate to be harsh but snooping, hacking into his bank account etc IS doing stuff behind his back

Do you see what is happening here? You are backing yourself into a situation that is only going to get uglier and messier, you can talk to friends - start with A in your address book and work your way though to Z.

As the situation worsens you can start back at A again and hope they don't get too exasperated with you for not trying to change anything! Yup I had a mate like that - she eventually drove us all crazy because nothing ever changed - she stayed in a toxic relationship through fear of being alone.

Nobody can make this decision for you and you have to be strong, postive, confident and hold your head high and focus on why you are attracted to men like this.

Would you consider going to see a counsellor to maybe get to the bottom of this?

Yes I'd like to see a councellor. I've been wanting to for a while but I don't know how to go about it. I also have a friend who has been in a crap marriage for 15 years and she used to go on and on and on about all the stupid things he did and what she put up with and I started avoiding her in the end because it just got boring. I have become that friend. I know. I'm really angry with myself and just completely fed up that yet again I have allowed someone to treat me like crap.

Have a word with your GP, he or she should be able to point you in the right direction.

Please keep this thought in your head 'Happy people do not act like this" everytime you reach for his mobile or wallet to snoop.

The way you are acting is neither normal or healthy - I know because that was me back in my marriage, I once sat down on the bed on a Sunday afternoon while he was 'at the gym' and sobbed with a despair I didn't even know existed. I will NEVER be made to feel that way again.

There is light at the end of the tunnel and there are good, honest, decent guys out there. I found mine right under my nose at work, I trust him totally as he does me. I never thought I could have a relationship like that after my ex DH.

Talk low, talk slow and don't say too much, stay calm and focused, start putting money aside now - even if it's a tenner here and there for the time you may need it and get out of the house as much as possible, sunny days really can clear the blues

Thank you Pedro. You do make sense and believe me, I cant WAIT until the day I can just pack up and leave and then whatever crap he's hiding or debt he's getting into won't be my problem anymore and I'll NEVER live with another man again. At least that's how I feel right now.
So for the present then, do I let on that I know or just keep it all to myself?

You have nothing to gain by knowing, you wouldn't rub salt in a wound.

You desperately want to know and there is a big difference between wanting and needing to know. You are both involved in game playing here, the most tragic and hurtful kind of hunt the thimble. What happens if you find the thimble? Pop it back in the sewing basket and carry on as before?

What is it that you 'know'? What can you do with this 'knowledge'? Will this 'knowledge' provide you with a future, financial security and happiness or is it being held to inflict damage and destruction to make you feel better.

Least said and soonest mended, stay calm and focus on what is real - start sorting out your finances - open a savings account with a passbook so statements don't come through the door, concentrate on what YOU are GOING to do rather than what he MAYBE doing.

You are only going to drive yourself insane. Jealousy and possesiveness are two hugely negative emotions and sound the death knell for many relationships. Start dealing with the negatives

Remember it is not normal behaviour to snoop through a partners phone etc - it means there is a lack of trust there. Where did that lack of trust come from? Is it real or imagined?

Chin up GC - you are probably a lot stronger than you think

Thanks Pedro
I have been saving for a few months now and finantially I'm ok. I don't own much so what to take should be easy too (basically my photos and paperwork - that's all I care about. I can always buy another sofa or washing machine etc. People say "I couldn't move out and have to sit on bean-bags in the living room floorboards for weeks" but I actually find that thought quite exciting. Actually starting again, from scratch! I love a challange
You're right about the info, I don't "need" it because whether he's having an affair or not, it doesn't matter if I have no intention of staying here does it? If he gets into secret debt, its HIS debt, not mine. The lack of trust came from him lying his arse off from the minute we met although I didn't find out until much later. By then I felt that I had some obligation to stay and not mess up my kids anymore by admitting to another relationship mistake. Then he promised he would be 100% honest after he got found out, I believed him then a few months later I found out another pack of lies. We had it out again, I believed him (well, actually I didn't but I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt) and then now, I find out a load more stuff. This is it this time though, I've had enough which is why I don't see the point in telling him I know, all he'll do is deny it, admit to it, apologise, promise and then do it again in a few months time.

Well GC - good luck girl whatever you decide whether that is the beanbags on the floor and cooking over a camping stove or staying and trying to work things through

Either way make a plan and stick to it rather than prevaricating your life away. Only you can decide.

PS Be very, very careful with contraception at the moment - the last thing you need is to find out you are expecting

Never mind contraception, don't sleep with him at all

At least until he's been checked out for STI's

You might want to get yourself checked too...a twat this sneaky isn't thinking about whether or not he fucks up your health...

goldencoral.
just wanted to say that i have been where you are now. Twice, with the same man.
I was driven nuts by the blatant lies, the finding of evidence ( which i would always find) but then the hatefulness of having found the evidence. then of course all the blame being put on me.
I gave him one last chance for the sake of our child and gave up the new life ( new home, new job, new friends, new area) for him. took all of 8 weeks for me to find a secret email account on which he had storted pictures of him having sex with lots of different women.

i considered my options for 3 weeks then kicked him out. I was homeless as it was an army house.
I found a house and a job and moved to a new area where i did not know anyone.
Its been tough sometimes, but i do not for one second regrett it. especially as it later came to light he was also having an affair with a 18 year old girl.

You are worth more than this. life doesnt need to be like this. I promise you it doesnt.

take a deep breath, leave him and look forward to your future.

Did you ever get though, where you questioned yourself more than him? See last night, we were sat on the sofa and he knows full well something is "up", so he's being extra nice to me etc and keeps asking what's wrong. I did intend to keep quiet on the whole thing but I just find it so difficult so in the end I said "you are telling me the whole truth about everything lately, arnt you?" and he replied "yes of course, why?" and he sounded so genuine and I end up questioning myself but I have to remind myself we've been here before and he sounded "very genuine" last time. Anyway he said "i told you about the credit cards" which yes, he told me he'd applied for them but I know for a fact he lied about when he applied for them because I saw the message 3 days before he told me he'd just applied there and then. It's the phone thing that's bothering me the most. I mean I've struck up conversations about people having secret phones and he stays so calm and collected throughout, even condemming those that do and I end up thinking to myself "hang on, maybe I have got the wrong end of the stick here" but then WHY would he have 2 payments going out of his bank to a network I didn't realise he was with??? it doesn't make any sense.

oh god yes. he even told me i was going mental and making things up.

i wasnt.

I used to do the talking about someone else thing.. cool as a cucumber and would agree with me and tell me the man was a fool and he would never do such things.

i would end up beliving him, beacuse i wanted to. i didnt want to be the one with a shitty marriage and an unfaithful husband.

but chosing to belive him didnt change those facts, he was still those things and one day, i had finally had enough.

you will too.... might not be this time ( though you should think long and hard if this is the life you want) might not be nxt time. but you will eventually get sick of it. you will then kick yourself for not leaving sooner and wasting so much time on him.

shop = my ex said exactly the same sort of things to me - makes you think you're going crazy. Anyway glad to know I wasn't, no matter how bad it has been.

yeah - he told me i was going crazy and that i should go see someone.

or that he had told me things when he hadnt

or that i was just making stuff up. i could have evidence in my hand of printed emails from his secret account and he actually said that:
i made it all up
it was someone elses account
it was years and years old ( thought the emails were dated in the previous few days)
and this when when i was waving the evidence in his face.

i realised then i was never going to win. having the evidence doesnt prove anything. it didnt even make him admitt it. he will never admitt it.

so i took control back.

i was never crazy. it was him. i should have listen to myself.

Gaslighting:
psychology.suite101.com/article.cfm/gaslighting
www.enotalone.com/article/16906.html
www.outofthefog.net/Movies/Gaslighting.html