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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

secret mobile phone

83 replies

GoldenCoral · 21/04/2010 13:05

Just found the password for DP's online bank and read through his statements and it seems he has been putting the odd payment on a t-mobile phone which is strange considering to my knowledge he only has an orange phone.
So other than having an affair, why would he have this secret phone? or am I jumping the gun and could these payments exist for another reason? I am trying to build a portfolio of evidence against him and do intend to leave so please don't ask why I'm still here. How can I find the secret phone? any ideas how I can delve further into this?

OP posts:

whatname · 21/04/2010 14:08

bluetooth is a good idea, it tells you all the phones in your area

maritalaffair.co.uk

It's horrible he is doing this, hope you are ok? are you prepared for what you might find?
what makes you be suspicious?

LaurieFairyCake · 21/04/2010 14:21

I just thought of another explanation - if the phone credit was for the shop T-mobile he could just have been putting extra credit on his phone. My dh is with Vodafone and i noticed he had spent 30 quid at 't-mobile' - I thought he'd bought dd a phone, turned out it was just credit for his.

LindenAvery · 21/04/2010 14:24

I also know that a scam is happening with this type of thing - typically only small amounts are debited out of your account so you don't notice - could credit details have been stolen - eg a card that should have been chip and pinned but was swiped at a restaurant/petrol station?

LoveBeingAMummy · 21/04/2010 15:15

The phone could be in his car?

Original poster

GoldenCoral · 21/04/2010 15:17

I'm suspicious because he lies continuously and I just know something is not right.
He would notice if the money was missing and not through his own doing, he's a bank account watcher.
I'm just checking out the dating sites now. It will be ironic if he finds me doing this, cos then I'd have to explain why I was looking up single males in this area lol
Its not funny really though. I think he knows something is up as he's just text and told me about something I found out about a few days ago (finantial lie). I've text back and asked him when this occured. If he says today, I know he's lying. If he says a few days ago, he'll have to admit to lying a few days ago! either way he's screwed.

OP posts:

Kathyjelly · 21/04/2010 15:19

Try looking on the underside of the seat in your car!

If he's doing the same, planting a mobile phone in your car allows him to track where you go.

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/04/2010 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

whatname · 21/04/2010 15:28

dating sites could take a while,might not have used his real name or age.
Do you think it's this type of thing rather than an affair?
my husband is doing this, but I have no proof

Original poster

GoldenCoral · 21/04/2010 15:35

Shiny, it wouldn't work. We have been here many times before and even after extreme prompting and shouting, he will only deny everything. He may admit to some stuff he just cannot get out of but if there's other stuff he thinks he's getting away with, he'll keep quiet but be more careful with what he leaves lying around.
Whatname, I don't think he's having an affair. He's not away from the house/me long enough. I think he's testing the water with other women, messing around, maybe with the intention of taking it further should the right one come along.
How do you know your husband is doing it? how did you find out?

OP posts:

nickschick · 21/04/2010 15:35

Its possible hes topped up someones phone using his debit card,maybe a womans maybe a colleagues but either way £5 in credit doesnt go far.

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 21/04/2010 15:37

em.... maybe someone gave him a fiver and said "oh will you pop into t0mobile and get me a top up".. could have been anyone.. work mate, relative or friend.. and he payed by card.

am i right its just ONE single payment? was it a Direct debit transaction? or just used his card in store?

whats the transaction code on statement?

whatname · 21/04/2010 15:43

i found his registration for website on his email. He stupidly left it open. I thought he hadn't done anything at all, but last week I tried to get back into laptop that automatically goes into his email, and there was a password on there. And he has password protected his phone. like you, I need to get more info. he thinks he's so clever.

SolidGoldBrass · 21/04/2010 15:45

Look, your relationship is already poisoned beyond repair. Stop fucking around like Nancy Drew the Girl Detective and concentrate on getting out of it. This sort of snooping is very bad for your mental health as it's endless and self-feeding - I appreciate that living with a habitual liar is exhausting and awful but the priority should be getting away not trying to 'confront' the liar. Because he will just lie again and shift the goalposts again, and you will be no better off than when you started.

whatname · 21/04/2010 15:46

and then I found his profile on the site. no photo but I know its him. and it tells him who has looked at his profile, so he then looked at mine(completely made up just to get in there)

RumourOfAHurricane · 21/04/2010 15:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Kathyjelly · 21/04/2010 15:52

GC, you're not married, you don't need evidence for a divorce or to justify leaving. You can get yourself sorted and go. Why put yourself through the anguish. I saw your other thread about loans and you clearly don't trust him to the end of your fence so just plan your exit and leave with a bit of dignity.

Sorry things are that bad.

Alouiseg · 21/04/2010 16:00

You've got to love solidgoldbrass and probably take her advice.

clam · 21/04/2010 16:16

Erm... orange hasn't been taken over by T-mobile has it??

pedrothellama · 21/04/2010 16:21

Yep agree with Solidgold brass - I drove myself insane snooping each time my husband cheated - I did what I should have done in the beginning - left. Life was way too short to go through his wallet, mobile phone, car etc obsessively as I did day after day while he lied and lied and lied.

There was one day I was just soooo hurt, angry and plain screwed up after I had found out about yet another betrayal I was very glad we are not like America- had there been a gun in the house I would have shot him.

That is when I realised just how much he had destroyed what we had by his cheating and lying, that was six years ago and I have never looked back and could never go there again.

Challenge him directly - stop trying to catch him out. Let him lie - he has to live with himself day in and day out and write down in a diary exactly what he said and when.

I found this helps them out when they forget which lie they told and when

Original poster

GoldenCoral · 21/04/2010 16:28

I know, its ridiculous. I'm becomming obsessed. I have spent the entire day searching the house for something which may or may not exist. I'm going to get caught out now anyway because I've just logged into his bank account (there were 2 payments to t-mobile btw, about a month apart and many to orange seperately) and I've just realised it tells you your last log in which if he see's he will realise it was whilst he was at work.

OP posts:

pedrothellama · 21/04/2010 16:38

Yep - that was me six years ago. It got me nowhere but a step closer to the loonybin.

BTW men hardly ever hide things at home, it will always be in a car or work. Now you are going to sit there and rack your brains as to how you can get access to his desk at work arn't you?

Stay calm and if you are going to leave start diverting your attention to that now.

Sort out your bank accounts, pension, any savings that you have - you only have to leave - not pay thousands for a solicitor and get your friends gathered ready and poised to support you sweetheart.You will learn to appreciate them more than you will ever know.

But please stop torturing yourself - he has everything to gain from your loss of control

TheFantasticFixit · 21/04/2010 16:44

GC - only if he is suspicious of you will he look at the last log in - I check my account all the time as well but i would never think of looking at the last log in details or them regsitering in my mind if I had no need to. Good luck, but please take pedrothellema's advice, its pretty sound.

pedrothellama · 21/04/2010 16:57

Also you need a sim card for all sorts of things these days - our alarm at work has one - it sends a text message to a keyholder if it goes off - car alarms have a similar facility.

Has he changed his car recently or installed a new alarm somewhere?

I have to leave for home now - try not to go mad and if you find yourself searching his car at 3am try and find yourself a diversion and fast!

Good luck GC

AnyFucker · 21/04/2010 17:16

what solidgold said

you will never trip him up sufficiently for him to come clean

get shut of him, that will answer all your uestions

SolidGoldBrass · 21/04/2010 23:24

I'm sorry if that sounded harsh, GC, but the thing is, when someone has repeatedly breached your trust, there is a point where it becomes beyond repair. And it's useless to drive yourself mad trying to find the One Piece of Evidence that will... what? Prove he's a shit? You know he's a shit. Make him apologise? What exactly is an apology worth from a habitual liar? Make him stop lying and turn into a trustworthy, debt-free and monogamous man? Look, sorry, but this is not going to happen. He isn't trustworthy, isn't good with money, and isn't monogamous. He is what he is and sees no reason to change, so the best option really is to get out as quickly as possible. Very best of luck in doing so.
FWIW many years ago I dated a pathological liar (and I say pathological because I think it was a MH issue with him, he really sincerely believed his own bullshit. He wasn't actually malicious and monogamy wasn't the issue, but it was pretty grim to live with and cost me an awful lot of money.)So I know what the panic and bewilderment can feel like, and I also know that the only thing to do is disconnect. You can't help/fix/change people like this.

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