It is not going well at all, I'm left crying.

[WutheringHeights]

I'm a bully towards my husband when we have arguments. I try to talk and make a point but all I get is silence or I dont know and I cant take it anymore as I seem to be a normal person outside closed doors. I'm suffering of depression (treated), pmt, anxiety due to money problem etc..

It is so complicated, I feel like the devil person and its affecting my children's lives. I have tried to talk to dh but I get silence so I reach for the bottle and it end up being worst. Now is the moment in which you are thinking I'm a shit person...

I had a bad day, I look after the girls while working and I told dh earlier that I felt bad and sad and that I miss home (foreigner here) but when he came back he sorted out the girls, then get ready for football, gave me a pat in the back, went to get a bottle of wine (I was already pissed), told me to have a bath and went to meet his mates. He didnt even turn his back.

I know I'm going to get a lot of kicks because I admitted I'm a bully, it drives me mad, we have problems, I try to find solution, I get silence, I get I dont know and I get frustrated and then I shout, I scream. Yes I'm a monster.

My dad was like this as well - imagine : mum works was working at night, dad is missing a paper for insurance whatever, cant find it, so called my mum at work and scream down the phone at her then hangs up on her (its 10 pm), he is alone, he is frustrated, he goes in massive rage, walk from one room to another and swears, light the corridor so it wakes us up (but we were already awake anyway)...That is just an exemple, I think I'm the same, I'm trying so so so hard not to be like this..I'm not doing well, hence why I know its my fault because I know its horrible to see your mum bullied by your dad, it should have taught me something but look at this thread...

I was maybe a bit bullied but it's beacuse I was not confident at all so easy target.

I tought that relate was you talk about your problem, face every single things you have done and so on.

I cant leave with myself for being like that, by the way I'm not drunk and there is no wine in the house !

Do you not see that it isnt NORMAL to not respond when your wife is trying to speak to you or to walk away ? Im not surprised you have really low self esteem living with a partner who refuses to listen to you and bullys you financially. Makes you feel worthless , i know.

Ive had a marriage where i wasnt listened to, and i dont mean not listened to in terms of idle chit chat, but important things, finances , the children, our marriage , sex life , every single thing that concerned me was ignored and he too would just literally leave the room while i was trying to talk.

For years i presumed i had a communication problem, after all he didnt have a problem listening to anyone else, must be my fault. It wasnt, i was asking for nothing but basic consideration and manners but didnt get it.
And as for confessions, ill admit to blowing my top when hes walked out of the room mid sentance or waved his hand at me dismissiveley.
Its not normal and not ok for a partner to treat you like this.

I learn to love my dad over the years but it was not easy, if we have an argument (he is completely irrationnal), I have to restrain myself not to hit him..still after all these years, I feel like this bizarre.

Do you explode on a regular basis, at everyday events eg like your dad ? Or are you exploding at his behaviour ?
I exploded at both, i was constantly angry, and why wouldnt i have been when i was constantly ignored, stonewalled, told i was nagging and all our problems were my fault.

dignified - I feel like you, everybody thinks dh is great man, kind man, good dad and beside that I feel like the shitty one.

I have to go now but will come back later !

Wh, when someone invades your boundarys, in whatever way it is perfectly normal to feel angry. When your dad is behaving irrationally of course you are furious, presumably your not actually punching him , just feeling like it ! I often feel like punching people !

That doesnt mean your a bad person who needs locking up , but it might mean you have to decide what behaviour your willing to accept and which behaviours your not, decide and stick to it, whether thats with your dad or your partner.

Feeling angry is often a result of our limits being pushed , it might be worth focusing on that instead of your understandable reaction to very rude behaviour. You have a right to have your voice heard, your concerns taken seriously and not to be ignored by a man whos meant to love you. If you do not set limits on what behaviour your going to accept , other people will decide for you, like your partner has.

Cut out the booze wuthering. For a while. I speak as a person who 'self-medicates' with wine and I've learned the hard way that after a while I feel out-of-control, vulnerable, miserable, totally unable to cope. Whatever the problems are in your relationship, stopping drinking or at least cutting right back, will give you a stable place to think and communicate. You owe it to yourself.

WH I may be way off the mark here, but I know that when my brother married his wife from Kenya, their expectations of each other were very different. It was a cultural thing and they never resolved it.

My exSIL worked hard, she saved and couldn't understand my brother who was very irresponsible with money, and like your DH found it hard to communicate.

She respnded with attacking him verbally and physically, and eventually they parted. Sometimes I was able to mediate between them, but it was hard. They both just couldn't see where they were upsetting each other.

I think Relate is a good idea, and it may be your DH responds better to that environment.

I do hope you can get something sorted

Wuthering, I didn't mean to suggest that the drinking was the cause of all the problems either, by the way. But you're talking about communication difficulties, and I thought that if you got that out of the way you could see what is and isn't about you.

Mumsspecialjuice, it was me talking about enabling. I was thinking of a friend who had had alcohol problems in the past and got them under control. When her marriage then started to go downhill, her husband started sneaking booze into the house to tempt her, started trying to defuse every argument with 'have a glass or two of wine and you'll feel better' and who, near the end, said to her in all seriousness 'I wish you'd go back to drinking, when you were drinking a bottle a night we never had problems, can't you just do that again?'.

So I was wondering if Wuthering's husband is doing something similar.

My friend is now happily divorced, by the way.

WH, how are you doing today love?