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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

It is not going well at all, I'm left crying.

88 replies

WutheringHeights · 20/04/2010 20:41

I'm a bully towards my husband when we have arguments. I try to talk and make a point but all I get is silence or I dont know and I cant take it anymore as I seem to be a normal person outside closed doors. I'm suffering of depression (treated), pmt, anxiety due to money problem etc..

It is so complicated, I feel like the devil person and its affecting my children's lives. I have tried to talk to dh but I get silence so I reach for the bottle and it end up being worst. Now is the moment in which you are thinking I'm a shit person...

I had a bad day, I look after the girls while working and I told dh earlier that I felt bad and sad and that I miss home (foreigner here) but when he came back he sorted out the girls, then get ready for football, gave me a pat in the back, went to get a bottle of wine (I was already pissed), told me to have a bath and went to meet his mates. He didnt even turn his back.

I know I'm going to get a lot of kicks because I admitted I'm a bully, it drives me mad, we have problems, I try to find solution, I get silence, I get I dont know and I get frustrated and then I shout, I scream. Yes I'm a monster.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 21/04/2010 07:43

Here are some of the things that stood out for me:

"I reach for the bottle and it end up being worst."

"I had a bad day, I look after the girls while working and I told dh earlier that I felt bad and sad and that I miss home (foreigner here) but when he came back he sorted out the girls, then get ready for football, gave me a pat in the back, went to get a bottle of wine (I was already pissed), told me to have a bath and went to meet his mates. He didnt even turn his back"

I don't think the drinking is helping you. I'm assuming that you mean you drink alone when you're home with your girls as well as as a response to the frustration you're getting from him. I'm also assuming, and I could be wrong, that when you say he went to get a bottle of wine and told you to have a bath, he meant for you to have the wine? Since he was going out to football? So he's used to you medicating with alcohol too?

I think Relate is a great idea. I also think you should try not to drink, because it's going to be easier for him to write you off as angry/emotional/irrational and not listen to you if he thinks you're just always pissed.

WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 08:16

No I'm drinking alone with the girls but when he is back, I reach for relaxation in a bad way as I know I could do other things but it is just too hard. I have stopped for a while and during that period we had another catastrophe (financial) which also could have been prevented if he'd have listened. The drinking is defo not helping, but weither I drink or not he still turns his back. When he came back he said he didnt notice I was upset.

Relate is defo the way to go I think, I need to talk to someone who is going to give some tools to help to cope with the situation and also self help book as suggested earlier on this thread.

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dittany · 21/04/2010 08:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 08:35

Thank you I will buy this book when I have the money, we have 10 pounds left until the end of the month

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ljgibbs · 21/04/2010 10:15

I think if a woman came on here and said her husband was a drunk who threw things at her, called her the C word and was verbaling abusing her the responses so far would be a lot different.

Maybe your husband has that stash of money put aside so he and the children can get away from you WH.

WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 10:28

I'm not like that often but if pushed I can get nasty. I do my absolute best do communicate but it does get frustrating when I dont get any answers and that life has to carry on as if nothing has happened. How can we sort anything ?

You are right maybe he has a stash of money so he can get away from me. Maybe he should.

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DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 21/04/2010 10:52

wait a minute... if this was a woman saying her husband was getting drunk and lashing out at her verbally.. everyone would be saying either

a) treat him like a tantrum throwing toddler. i.e ignore it(as he's doing)
b) leave the relationship.

WH at least you realise you are not a nice partner. go get some counselling and stop drinking. you say you are in financial difficulties but can afford wine most nights?

and to whoever said he is getting her it in effect enabling her(cant remember exactly what was said so forgive me here if remembering wrong).... but.. i'd be interested to know... op.. do you throw a tantrum and kick off if he doesn't get you a 2nd bottle when your already pissed on the first bottle?? if you do.. i cant really blame him. he's discovered its a simplier life to make sure the kids are safely in bed then get you another bottle while he gets out the house..... being home with a partner who is pissed while you are sober simply isn't nice... you have admitted you can be downright "nasty"

get some help.

stop drinking.

especially when you have very young children in the home.(assuming they are toddlers if you mention nursery)

YouKnowNothingoftheCrunch · 21/04/2010 10:53

WH, my H does the same as yours. He calls it "being scared of confrontation", which sounds so reasonable until you realise that "confrontation" includes anything which makes him feel emotionally uncomfortable. So that includes me crying quietly, or talking reasonably about an issue that he has caused, as well as the obvious things like me getting angry and frustrated with him.

So you can find yourself trapped in a Catch 22 situation: He is saying he can't talk because you're angry, and you are saying you are angry because he won't talk.

Being stonewalled (when you talk and they don't even acknowledge you've spoken, let alone respond to it) or having a discussion about things and thinking you're working through them, only to find out he's done what he originally wanted anyway, is horrendous.

I can't describe to anyone how worthless and non-human it makes you feel. You try everything and get no response, you feel so desperate you even start to try to provoke them just to get them to say ANYTHING.

And you end up feeling crazy. You're the one screaming and shouting and they look so reasonable in comparison.

But all you want is to resolve things. So while they reject the emotions you end up weighed down by them all. And by the end you are overreacting to everything because it's all on top of all the unresolved baggage you're already carrying.

There's only one solution.

You have to put down the baggage. You have to step back. With each explosion you end up carrying more.

So... he doesn't pay the car insurance, it's not your issue, you don't pay it. He gets bailed out by his mum then he's the loser, not you.

Separate your finances as much as you can (because he won't discuss finances so you have to protect yours and make sure he can't spend money you need for necessities).

I'm not going to say leave him, because that's up to you. But you can't go on carrying this.

Chasing him to talk will NEVER work. It's killing you.

Let it go.

I went to a counsellor last year and told her everything that was going on in my life. She asked me what I wanted. I told her I wanted to stop feeling angry all the time. She paused, looked me in the eyes and said "Crunchy, do you not think that you have a right to feel angry about all this?"

After that I didn't feel so angry anymore!

Some people won't understand. They can't see the pain that being blanked about issues that are important to you causes. You have to ignore them.

The drinking needs to stop (but you know that!) it's just another thing that can be used against you.

Step back. If you feel it rising, leave the room and tell yourself "I have a right to feel this way". Because you can't keep carrying all the worries of the household.

Sorry for the rambling post. I really feel your pain.

WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 11:09

The drinking needs to stop, it does need to stop. It does help coping in the evening but I know its not the solution. And its true I shouldnt be able to afford it.

Reg the car insurance, he paid for it anyway even if for 5 months I told him I didnt want to be affected by it. So what I have done, I have carried on as normal, I have tried very hard not to be angry etc..but it was hard to cope without the 500 pounds which apparently should have been paid with all the overtimes he did last month, he bashed my ears with it..then arrive end of march no overtime, he said oh well nevermind, I'llget next month! WTF ??? He doesnt even know what he is doing "!!!

We have made the budget for April in march, everything was planned then one morning, he called someone, the insurance and he told me I have to pay for it now otherwise it is going to be more expensive and then he went ! He completely undermined me and that it not the first time !

I have managed 2 long weeks without saying anything, then the rent needs to be paid, we are short but I'm sure I would have been really reasonnable with money we'll have been alright ! Hands up ! But it was half term and I wanted to do some stuff with the girls is that a crime ?? I'm bringing a salary too afterall !

I do not throw a tantrum when he doesnt get me a second bottle of wine, I drink between half and a bottle, yesterday was different but I didnt touch the second bottle.

We have spoken yesterday and I didnt shout but I couldnt help being sarky, he annoys me so much, he never gets anything.. we had a massive argumment on saturday eve, because he messed up with our money on friday again (doing a bad manip) but still it didnt stop him to go and see his mates even he only spent 15 quids !!

I'm angry, I'm angry but I'm working very hard at being a better person but one trigger and then I'm bad, I talk get no answers and get angry and sound like a witch.

I have an appointment with relate, will go alone first then with dh.

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 21/04/2010 11:37

You say you have school gate mums etc, but that you can't talk to them about this...

Honey, that IS isolation.

I think DH ISN'T being entirely responsible, by the sounds of it, your family can't really afford the car at all, it sounds like it's a luxury your DH is expecting everyone else to afford, on hid behalf, but with no benefit in return for anyone except himself.

So how much money does he have put aside against your £10 to last the month? £1 a day?

I genuinely think you need to find a way to get yourself together. To get yourself into a calm frame of mind. ditch the wine for a while, you gotta get your head straight love. You need some clear thinking.

Be honest here, please? How MUCH are you drinking?

If DH is just living the life he wants to, sport, playing around and living as a kid in an adults world, then tbh he will more than likely resist any attempt to curtail his charmed existence. He does sound as if he has a scant grasp of reality, unable to live within his means, unable to face up to his responsibilities, and unable to discuss fairly commonplace issues to a point where a resolution is possible.

First things first WH, you need to get yourself into a place where you can help yourself understand and deal with what is going on around you, then you can look at trying to change it to a more even and workable situation. You are going to counselling, brilliant, that'll be wonderful for you in so many ways.

It may be that you go through all this, only to find that it's not about you, it's about him and he'll not change, and you will have to take some big decisions. If you are drinking too much and in a rage, you won't be able to make those big and essential decisions, so get you head straight first, you need to be ready to go into battle!

WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 11:46

Well I was supposed to go out with them tonight and I have admitted to one that I had marital problems, I cant go and tell them that I'm a whitch when I argue or tell them I drink too much !

The bloody car yes is a luxury.

The money problem is sorted as I have managed to get paid tomorrow instead of friday.

I need to get myself together, it is really bad but it is weird to say it, I have been different lately, we had a bad time yesterday, I have cried but still I'm coping fine today, before I would have been moping for days.

I do drink a bottle a night with a day off.

I'm sorry I have to go but I'll finish my post in half an hour.

Thank you so much for listening

OP posts:
WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 12:56

I have been made feel awful this morning, I was supposed to go out tonight but I have to pull out for obvious reason but was told anyway you always cancel (which is not true). Do you think I have sould have tell her the whole story ? Dh and I are having problems and I have no spare cash for an evening out ?

OP posts:
LittleMissHissyFit · 21/04/2010 13:41

Understandably, things are getting to you a little. If you know for a fact that you don't always cancel, then be confident in knowing that you haven't let her down.

TBH if you feel familiar and close enough to them to open yourself up, then confide, but if they have an inkling of anything going on and still snap at you, unjustifiably, that you always cancel, then perhaps they are not the people to confide in.

That said however, it could be that they don't know what's going on and therefore are not in a position to be sympathetic.

You could say something like "I'm not ready to go into it at the moment, but there's some stuff going on at home and tbh, I don't think I can make it tonight." I'm sorry to let you down, will make it up to you when it's all blown over a bit...

a bottle a night, even with one night off, is actually too much.

gotta go out myself now, back later!

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 21/04/2010 14:19

a bottle a night is too much.

and tbh.... from your posts all i hear is

"woe betide me".

get a grip.

stop drinking.

look after your dc in a sober state (1 bottle a day means you spend a vast proportion of a 24 hrs day with alcohol in your system.)

how the hell can you fix problems with your dh if every night when you have a chance to talk you have drank a bottle of wine!!!

yup.. he may be crap at communicating. but i would be crap at communicating with someone who was pissed too.

WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 14:27

No idea of what "woe betide me" means, stop feeling for yourself ? It is what you mean ?
Yes probably.

I dont know what to say else, you are right.

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ScreaminEagle · 21/04/2010 14:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 15:41

I know I need to get grip, I know I need to stop drinking, I'm just scared it is not going to change a thing, I was not drinking before just at weekend or out..I shouldnt carry on, I'm giving myself excuses when I dont have any. Thank you for your honesty.

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WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 15:52

Forgot to say, well done on stopping smoking !!!

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dittany · 21/04/2010 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/04/2010 17:31

Blimey!

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/04/2010 17:33

Well Done though DontTouch, Keep it going!

I gave up in July.. hardly ever use the gum now..

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/04/2010 17:35

WH, I have a feeling that you are not as cured of depression as you think you are... No need to worry too much, but keep an eye on your mood eh?

Big sisterly pat coming your way!

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 21/04/2010 17:39

WH - thats the point... if you stop drinking and it doesn't change a thing then at least you know you definately have a problem with your marriage.... however if you stop.. and find things improving.. you may find you were to blame partially too.

only you can take control though and stop to find out answer to that.

oh.. and no gum. going cold turkey. hence i'm REALLY crabbit

LittleMissHissyFit · 21/04/2010 17:50

Argh DontTouch, WHY would you do that to yourself and the bloody rest of us woman?

FGS go get yourself some gum or patches or whatever works for you.... There is absolutely no need to suffer these days....

You OR us!!

WH, pack in the booze, see how you get on. Depression and addiction are cousins, so just keep an eye on yourself and nip things in the bud.

THEN you can tackle the other problems in your relationship/life.

WutheringHeights · 21/04/2010 18:14

I need to stop drinking for my health but I know it wont change the state of my marriage, it takes 2 to make it work and I have tried. He makes me feel like a fool. Alright he doesnt like sex with me, he is scared I'm going to get pregnant so we look at contraception solution, I took the pill, it doesnt work, the coil, awful, I have suggested the snip, the doctor told him not to as he is too young (35), so another thing which is my problem. He is always tired, he has a permanent cold (which last all year I kid you not). I look after the girls full time while I'm working from home (admi job). I cook, look after the house. All I get is a dh who doesnt want to do anything, I try to chat, I have to say 3 times the same sentence before he hears.

He says, we should try to go out more, well organise mate instead of always going out with your friends...

Its the circle thing..he loves politics, I dont, he loves sport and cant wait for the elections and the world cup.

We are just functionning, thats it.

No booze for me tonight

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