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Original poster

Techniques required for my 'tempted husband' please...

72 replies

Seagullsrule · 20/04/2010 13:29

I posted a while back about my husband admitting to having been tempted by another woman at work. Anyway we've had a really good few weeks of talking things through. I still feel he's quite stressed, he's prone-ish to getting upset talking about things, gets upset by the fact he might be upsetting me (?!) and admits to butterflies in tummy etc. He briefly mentioned that in a funny way he misses the excitement from the last few months. I think he could do with a boost to his self esteem, and also his masculinity...?
I'll get to the point now!!
I'd really like some advice on how I can best support him? I've been suggesting techniques for helping him deal more long term with his feelings (not just with OW but with life in general) such as keeping a journal, taking more excercise etc. But not really sure what else to advise?
I know you guys have been incredibally supportive to me previously and full of fantastic advice so really want to draw upon your expertise!!!
Thanks for looking.

OP posts:
SheWillBeLoved · 20/04/2010 13:41

A journal is good, also along those lines, a little voice recorder allows you to talk to it freely with no pauses to let your hand catch up to your mouth. You can then listen to it back, and realize how daft some thoughts are when they become words. Also, how important some thoughts are which you may have never spoken. Hope that makes sense It was a tip I was given years ago when I was suffering from depression and couldn't make heads or tails of anything I was thinking.

Can you do more together as a couple? Things you have never done before? Or used to do, that no longer do?

Mouseface · 20/04/2010 13:45

Wow. I think you are being very suppoertive already given his admission.

I'm not sure his self esteem needs a boost just because he misses the excitement this other woman gave him, assuming I've got that right?

Maybe look at what led him to have his head turned in the first place? If you've not gone there already.

I don't know you or your history here but I think you are a marvel for not losing it with him.

Re dealing with life in general, yes, a journel and excercise are great stress relievers. Maybe you could get out together, just get in the car and drive. Pack an overnight bag and see where you end up? Even just a B&B?

paulaplumpbottom · 20/04/2010 13:51

Push him out of an airplane......That should be all the excitment he needs for the next month.

paulaplumpbottom · 20/04/2010 13:52

Maybe put a parachute on him.

BitOfFun · 20/04/2010 13:53

I think you are worrying far too much about looking after him actually, and would be better off spending that energy on your own issues.

You seem to have become the Rescuer in this relationship. What was your parents' relationship like? Where do these patterns come from? I wonder if you might benefit from some counselling yourself to get to the root of all this?

APassionateWoman · 20/04/2010 13:54

He is tempted to have an affair and you want advice on how to support him? Mind boggling, sorry.

thehillsarealive · 20/04/2010 13:54

i like paulas suggestion best.

Mouseface · 20/04/2010 14:02

Me too re the airplane. Or a moving train???

paulaplumpbottom · 20/04/2010 14:04

Yes planes are a bit difficult to come by at the minute

MmeLindt · 20/04/2010 14:05

Well, my initial response was a good kick up the arse, but I quite like Paula's idea.

Has he said what it is about this woman that tempts him?

I don't see why you should be looking for ways to distract him, or spice up his life, tbh.

glastocat · 20/04/2010 14:11

Tell him you'll cut his cock off if he so much as looks at her. You are being far too reasonable.

RubyPink · 20/04/2010 14:14

Paula

glastocat that is a bit harsh!

MadamDeathstare · 20/04/2010 14:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sassybeast · 20/04/2010 14:17

Agree with Glastocat because you won't find an aeroplane at the minute.
He has told you that he is 'missing the excitement of the last few months ' Arrogance beyond belief. I'd suggest counselling for him so that he can look at how his behaviour is affecting YOU. You don't need to fix him - he has to do that himself.

posieparker · 20/04/2010 14:24

Why are you pandering to him? Are you frightened he'll leave?because nothing you can do will make him want to stay, even if he actually stays. He needs to make some steps to feel happy and comfortable where he is. Perhaps you have been his mother too much as it is.... you need to be his wife or more importantly he needs to be your husband.

to be honest of my DH needed more excitement I would have an affair and keep the little fucker on his toes!!

Acanthus · 20/04/2010 14:25

Come on guys, he DIDN'T have an affair, he did the right thing and talked to his wife. And they are working on this together. Marriage isn't a bed of roses and no one is perfect.

I can just see the advice on here for a WOMAN who was tempted by someone at work, in fact I have seen it, many times. "Talk to him, he needs to make you feel special, you need to work together". Just like here, in fact.

posieparker · 20/04/2010 14:30

Point taken Acan.

So dates, regular dates....get your marriage back, find a hobby together (I wouldn't let your window shopping DH create a hobby on his own just yet) something fun and out of your comfort zone like dancing?

Perhaps stop talking about the near miss, I think a man that didn't talk as much would have not discussed it and just moved on....no fuss.

Original poster
Seagullsrule · 20/04/2010 14:33

I did what I felt was best for both him and us as a couple. It feels right and I cant imagine that flying off the handle because he has been honest with me would have been in any way helpful.
Madame: His work is completely focused on helping others so not sure whether he would find voluntary work a useful diversion..?? (Plus he works 6 days a week as it is).
BoF: My parents relationship is a very unhappy shambles - its very passive aggressive and they dont talk to each other AT ALL. I am teetering on the edge of becoming a "rescuer" I felt it last night when I was calmly offering him solutions and strategies as he looked at me with tears in his eyes. Obviously I dont want to set our relationship up to work in that way which is why I'm trying to give him ideas for HIS OWN strategies to use in the future rather than me counselling him better - does that make sense??
MmeLindt: She is 23, attractive and has probably been flirting with him.
I think its in both our own best interests to make things better and develop better life coping strategies hence why I am on here! He has confided in his close friend about this who also was amazed at how "good" I was being about the whole thing (which - let us not forget only involves him quite fancying another woman! - Its not like he's had his wicked way or anything). I genuinely dont feel angry - and that doesnt feel wrong. If people think I should be more angry then really you need to spell out why??!!

OP posts:
posieparker · 20/04/2010 14:35

You need to get some fun into your life, all sounds very serious.

Sassybeast · 20/04/2010 14:37

In what context did his confession about fancying this other woman come about ? Did you suspect an affair ? I think I'd find it difficult to believe that it is nothing more than a flirtation - hence my cynicism at YOU having to make ther moves to help him ?

MmeLindt · 20/04/2010 14:39

Agree with Posie.

What do you do together? I think that doing things together would be good for both of you.

Go for a walk, to the cinema, for a meal, have a pillow fight...

Is he affectionate and loving towards you? Do you make time to speak to each other, not analysing the temptation of this woman, but chatting about other things.

Can he move himself away from the temptation? Is she a close colleague?

thegirlonadolphin · 20/04/2010 14:43

Sorry but he sounds incredibly self indulgent.

Techniques - first the "burst his bubble" technique where you tell him in no uncertain terms what a twat he is.

Secondly - the "I will boot you out the door" technique - a precise explanation of what will happen should he be tempted to stray again.

I suppose there are some who would say "what a lovely and supportive relationship this is blah blah blah" but personally I want to employ the "Get A Grip" technique in response to this post and it applies to both you and your dh.

choosyfloosy · 20/04/2010 14:43

I do wonder whether he could just be advised to enjoy it?

Did he really think getting married would mean he would never fancy anyone ever again?

Having someone in your life who it's a pleasure to see at the photocopier is great.

The danger is if a) he thinks feeling like this means he has to DO something about it b) him starting to make up reasons to get to the photocopier more often IYSWIM.

Otherwise - well, how about putting some of that romantic energy into seducing you taking you out, having more fun? It's spring, let the sap rise, provided it rises with you...

Original poster
Seagullsrule · 20/04/2010 14:47

Previously to this we havent done a great deal together thats been hugely fun. We rarely get time together as a couple w/o children. However we've had a couple of days off together and did some lovely things (cinema, meal etc). He is loving towards me, often gives me massages. We do talk about other things (more so now - before this happened he had very black and white ideas about things so it didnt make for hugely stimulating chats as he found it difficult to debate around grey areas). She isnt a very close colleague but they would normally run into each other nearly daily - not much he can do due to the environment. I'm much less worried about her actually - becuase i really dont think he would do anything - he's got himself into a right old state just finding her attractive -if he actually did anything I think he would probably sponateously combust/have a heart attack (and did mention that he would throw himself in the river if something happened - slightly jokingly). Even if he had kissed her or something (which he hasnt) I would be upset but its not like its the total end of the world or anything.
I would like to have a more 'fun' life - and it is hugely embarrassing to not really know what that means..!?!?!?! Going to comedy clubs??!

OP posts:
Original poster
Seagullsrule · 20/04/2010 14:49

Choosy - that is EXACTLY how I feel - in fact I said that she had simply recognised the qualities in him that I love - and he should enjoy being admired. I also said word for word that I didnt expect that getting married would mean he would never fancy anyone else ever again. (Phew - I was starting to feel like I was a bit weird in my outlook!!! Glad to know someone else feels similarly!)

OP posts: