Techniques required for my 'tempted husband' please...

[Seagullsrule]

I posted a while back about my husband admitting to having been tempted by another woman at work. Anyway we've had a really good few weeks of talking things through. I still feel he's quite stressed, he's prone-ish to getting upset talking about things, gets upset by the fact he might be upsetting me (?!) and admits to butterflies in tummy etc. He briefly mentioned that in a funny way he misses the excitement from the last few months. I think he could do with a boost to his self esteem, and also his masculinity...?
I'll get to the point now!!
I'd really like some advice on how I can best support him? I've been suggesting techniques for helping him deal more long term with his feelings (not just with OW but with life in general) such as keeping a journal, taking more excercise etc. But not really sure what else to advise?
I know you guys have been incredibally supportive to me previously and full of fantastic advice so really want to draw upon your expertise!!!
Thanks for looking.

If he is a grown man he will have his own ideas and you shouldn't have to provide them.

I seem to recall you thinking he was having some kind of breakdown on one of your previous threads. has he seen the doctor about this?

And are you convinced he is not just unravelling with guilt at actually having done something?

All his tears make him sound very young and, erm, lacking in backbone really. Yoiu seem in danger of turning into his mother. Is that what you want? Do you mind me asking how old you both are?

It sounds like he will need to think this through though.

The risk would be if she is also the sort of person who thinks 'I fancy someone, therefore I have got to press for more'.

Could you go to a work function of his soon and meet her? Maybe ask him to make sure she is invited/will be there?

He's 10 years older than me - I'm 29.

He hasnt seen a Dr - I did mention (just once or twice!!) that he might find it beneficial especially if he is worried about upsetting me - it would be good for him to speak to a disinterested party. I dont think he wants to - and I dont really want to press him too much because then its like I'm trying to blow it up into a huge issue.

I think he does feel guilty actually - but I am totally positive he hasnt done anything. I think he's giving himself a hard time about it to be honest - I want him to forget about it and not panic that he's some sort of philandering demon (incidentally which is how he sees his Dad).
I am keen to meet her actually - I won't be gving her evils - but I think it would be good if she could see how (attractive I am - !!!) no - seriously how together we are as a couple (because I am somewhat average!!) and that I'm not some invisible person she doesnt have to think about but really quite nice and friendly.

Fun things...

Go to a cooking club/climbing/dry slope skiing/ horse riding/ ANYTHING that you've never tried where there's lots of room for error!!

Comedy clubs are good, date nights(this could even be at home where you both make the effort to look nice), circus nights can be great too....dinner and circus(we have circomedia here).

I'd develop a small flirtation of my own.
Amazing how that might fan the flames again!

suspect there would be yet more tears and need for self-esteem boosting if OP tried that Moondog!

I wouldn't support him beyond planning some fun nights out for both of you.

Tie a knot in his wanger

If he's 'tempted' it's up to him to fight the temptation not you.

I dont want to be negative, and i do think its a positive that he spoke to you . But , on the other hand i think hes being slightly contradictary, in that he misses the excitement yet is sat with tears in his eyes saying how bad he feels.Why does he feel so bad ?

I dont think its fair that you are expected to take responsibility for his feelings or suggest techniques to help him cope. What about you ? As someone else says your not his mother. Id be tempted to state i dont want to discuss it further, sounds like a drama about nothing.

I am sorry but I am wondering if he is getting a bit of a kick out of being able to talk about it under the guise of "being honest". I know that when I fancy someone I love talking about them to anyone that will listen.

All it sounds a bit navel gazing to me.

I am with the no nonsense school of thought on this thread, such as tie a know in it and/or push out a plane.

Thegirlonadolphoin sums it it for me - great posts.

Is this about pride?? Not bothered about pride at the expense of mine and my husbands mental health thanks...

Perhaps 'self respect' is a better way of putting it.

Your mental health won't be great if you allow this tendency to roll yourself underneath his feet like a doormat to continue, or to entrench yourself in a habit of mothering him.

It may sound harsh, but it is certainly the obvious advice that leaps to mind on reading your posts, sorry.

OK - sorry getting a bit defensive I think as I thought originally that I wanted some techniques to use in a practical way rather than to make everyone think I'm a total doormat.
So for those who think I am approaching it the wrong way - how do I get these feelings of self respect that I possibly havent got then? I dont mind harsh but it needs to be backed up with practical advice.

I think what everyones concerned about is that this seems to be all about him . It really isnt for you to mother him like this and i think its very poor taste for him to be behaving as he does.What does he honestly expect you to do or say ?
Instead of finding coping techniques for him, would it be better for him to explore what led to him to be tempted in the first place ? Presumably he also has internet access and he is capable of reading up on the subject, ordering books or seeking counselling. If hes not activeley doing something himself id question whether hes sorry or not.

Also some of what hes saying apears to be contradictory, ie, nothings happened but he misses the excitement. What excitement ?

Fwiw, ive had a similar experience , had a confession of " feelings for someone else " and full days discussing it while he moped about like a sulky puppy. In all honesty im not convined he didnt enjoy the attention , and i also think he hoped id sympathise and ok him to go and see her. I didnt want to hear it and told him so, and that if he was so taken by her he could go and live with her.

Needless to say he didnt but were not married anymore. Either this was a harmless crush that we all get from time to time, in which case it does not warrant the drama , or it was much more , or, hes enjoying the attention.

People dont usually need coping techniques or get teary eyed over a daft crush . Hell ive had a few myself but i wouldnt dump it in my partners lap. Are you sure hes not easing you into the possibility of him spending time with her ?

SeagullsRule As you know, I don't agree with some of the views espoused on this thread and think that pride and ego often get in the way of honest communication. I also think it's healthy to discuss temptation in a marriage for numerous reasons. It prevents secrecy, which is an accelerant to an illicit attraction - and often the partner can see another party's agenda much more clearly and is in a better position to advise their spouse about how they deal with the feelings they are having.

People who are married to those who would have a major flounce and hissy fit if their spouse dared to admit fancying someone else are therefore much more likely to keep secrets, with all the attendant trouble that brings.

However - having read two of your threads now and while still supporting your H's actions in telling you, I will say that a few things are happening here that give me disquiet.

His reaction seems to be disproportionate to the circumstances. I think he is either hiding more involvement with this woman than he is letting on, or he is wrestling with his sexuality. If that seems a leap for folk who have come to this thread "cold" then read the last one.

Secondly, I have always said that a disclosure like this hurts. Of course, the hurt is far milder than the agony of an affair, but it hurts nevertheless - and yet you seem to be more concerned with his hurt and his pain.

Which brings me to where I have to agree with some of what has been said on this thread thus far. You are taking way too much responsibility for his feelings and your relationship. It is rather like infidelity - it is the role of the adulterer to get to the bottom of why they have behaved like this. Your H seems to have many demons - and perhaps some mental health issues - but you seem to be mothering him and treating him like a sick child.

You both have a responsibility to affair-proof your future marriage, but it sounds as though it's only you doing this.

I think your H would benefit hugely from some counselling, as I think there are some deep rooted issues that are unravelling here and I suspect this attraction was merely a catalyst for a more difficult journey to come. Now that's going to be really tough for you - and you will need help too.

Don't submerge your own interests and your own needs in all this.

Great post whenwillifeel

< claps WWIFN >

Long story short (I wish I had the patience to term things like WWIFN does...)...I don't think you know everything there is to know

I am sorry, but until you do all your (very one-sided) efforts are a complete waste of your time, energy and self-respect

yes, agree re the mothering especially.

don't mother him. you are his PRIZE and he needs to woo you. sounds like such a lot of rulesy crap, but really, your concern shouldn't be not making him feel bad cos he's told you a 23 yo gives him butterflies.

why don't you say: I'll sort out a babysitter, can you sort out something for us to do?

Don't make it all about him. It is about you and him as a couple.

What do you want?

What would make you feel good?

Whatever that might be, if it gives you confidence and energy, do it! That is so much more interesting than passive acceptance and 'management' of the issue. Not that you should be doing the managing - he should. Or fuck off out of it!

I think there is the usual amount of hysterical monogamism on this thread. People DO find themselves feeling attracted to others when they are already in an exclusive relationship. That's not a big deal. If you have an exclusivity agreement, you acknowledge to yourself that you have the feelings, but you don't act on them. If you and your partner are sensible people who love one another, you can talk it through, which seems to be what the OP and her H are trying to do. It is very easy to get into a rut of childcare and chores and watching the telly, which is no way to live, really. So it is a very good idea to start thinking of new hobbies/interests/projects you can take up together.
The trouble with hysterical monogamism is that it makes people start screaming, shitting themselves, destroying property and getting violent if their partner even looks at an attractive other person, which is childish and stupid - all these tears and tantrums are so unnecessary.

so you think it is ok then, sgb for this bloke to mope around and tell his wife he "misses the excitement"

and for him to settle right back and leave the responsibilty firmly in her court for keeping him happy and "boosting his masculity" (OP's words) ?

I thought you were against the idea of women as appliances only fit for keeping their menfolk serviced ?

Can you imagine some bloke down the pub saying to his mates "my wife says she fancies someone at work. She is soooo upset about it. How can I support her in these feelings?"
Snarf!

Like SGB (hysterical monogamists stuff notwithstanding) I think it is great that you can discuss these things with your DH, but you are also trying to take responsibility for them here, which is going too far.

You mentioned that your parents had a very difficult relationship. Did you find either of them turning to you in support, by any chance?