Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Techniques required for my 'tempted husband' please...

72 replies

Seagullsrule · 20/04/2010 13:29

I posted a while back about my husband admitting to having been tempted by another woman at work. Anyway we've had a really good few weeks of talking things through. I still feel he's quite stressed, he's prone-ish to getting upset talking about things, gets upset by the fact he might be upsetting me (?!) and admits to butterflies in tummy etc. He briefly mentioned that in a funny way he misses the excitement from the last few months. I think he could do with a boost to his self esteem, and also his masculinity...?
I'll get to the point now!!
I'd really like some advice on how I can best support him? I've been suggesting techniques for helping him deal more long term with his feelings (not just with OW but with life in general) such as keeping a journal, taking more excercise etc. But not really sure what else to advise?
I know you guys have been incredibally supportive to me previously and full of fantastic advice so really want to draw upon your expertise!!!
Thanks for looking.

OP posts:

dollius · 20/04/2010 22:26

FOR support!

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 22:32

sgb, I find it really irritating when you post and fly

you hardly ever come back to answer when someone picks you up on one of your pronouncements

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 22:36

dollius, that certainly puts it int context doesn't it ?

and no, I cannot imagine that scenario, not ever

which says much

SolidGoldBrass · 20/04/2010 22:38

AF: Well excuuuuuuse me for having a life! Washing up, work and a wakeful DS meant I had to actually get off MN for a little while there.
The OP has asked for advice on dealing with her H's crush, what she didn't want was the squawking chorus of 'Cut his cock off' when the man hasn't actually done anything. A frantic overreaction of violence/throwing him out is not going to improve the situation and most likely will wreck the marriage beyond repair. And the H's behaviour is TBH influenced by hysterical monogamism in that he thinks a mild crush is the End Of The World when it really isn't a big deal.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 22:40

RL...what are you on about ??

You haven't actually answered my question though

TheFallenMadonna · 20/04/2010 22:47

It all sounds a bit intense.

Do you need to be quite so navel-gazing about it? Is this how you deal with things generally in your relationship?

I haven't read your other thread, so I don;t know the full story. How tempted is tempted? You refer to the woman as the 'OW', and want her to see you. Has it been an actual flirtation then? Or does he just like what he sees?

BitOfFun · 20/04/2010 23:18

Who called for the cock secateurs?

SolidGoldBrass · 20/04/2010 23:54

AF: WHich question? I pointed out that hysterical monogamism leads to taking a crush far more seriously than it merits and suggested the OP and her H find ways of doing something exciting together. That's not saying she should 'just put up with him'. She's posted good things about him and says she's asking for advice on how to 'put the spark back'.
You know sometimes when a marriage gets a bit dull, both partners need to put a bit of effort into livening it up.

blinks · 21/04/2010 00:03

well, call me cynical but i wouldn't be surprised if it's gone beyond mild flirtation.

why would he be going so over board if he just found her attractive? surely married/attached men and women find other people attractive all the time. did he think he might be in love with her?

that would sound more worthy of teary displays.

if not, he sounds like a right diva. and you ARE a rescuer.

tallulah35 · 21/04/2010 12:23

I've just spotted this thread and I felt I had to say something. About six years ago I was in a similar situation my DH of 8 years admitted to being attracted to a girl in the office but said they were just friends, I was supportive, understanding and generally an all round good gal about the whole thing, even though it was killing me inside. Two months later I found out he had been having an affair with her for 18 months. He's history now and I've re-married and am with a man that loves and respects me, completely. Now I'm not saying your DH is going to do anything, or has done anything, but his admission is fairly huge and it seems very self indulgent of him to assume that you will help him 'fix' the situation? What are you supposed to do to help? Affairs are dangerous because they are addictive, exiciting and intoxicating and what your DH is currently feeling, seems like a stepping stone into danger land. Put your foot down now honey for your own good, tell him to cease all possible contact and he will get over it, its not the woman, its the excitement and when your married excitement comes in different forms - this is not one of them and you'll never be able to create the same kind of excitement. You have to be less understanding and make it very clear. Buy him a book about affairs and make him read the pages that explain the chemical cause of them, maybe he will then understand how important it is to keep a lid on it. Best of luck, I'm sure it will be fine, but please please do a bit of reading, both of you

Acanthus · 21/04/2010 14:05

WWIFN - what other thread?

Duffet · 21/04/2010 21:17

I can recommend a really good book about this kind of situation called Mating In Captivity by Ester Perel. (if you have time to read it).

Basically, she puts forward an idea that when you have a relationship, feelings of love and sexual excitement are in a constant fight with each other. Because in order to feel love/warmth/caring/security/ etc, you need intimacy and closeness and togetherness. But in order to feel sexual excitement/desire/and be able to eroticise your partner, you need distance and seperateness. I.e. you desire things BECAUSE they are seperate from you.

She also suggests that there is the shadow of a third person in EVERY couple/relationship, because a couple can only exist if there are other outside the couple; you become a couple because of the threat of other people, but it does not make them go away. So you may as well accept they will always be there. Hummm, didn't explain that very well but anyway...

Me and my partner read it together and it helped us understand why you get excited by other people outside relationships and afterwards we could not get enough of each other. Blaaah blahh blahhh.

Dunno if this helps at all, but seriously it's an enlightening funny and erotic read.

Btw if you read through all that waffling, I personally think it's great that your partner talked to you about this and you must have a good relationship and he must trust you deeply.

Original poster

Seagullsrule · 21/04/2010 22:23

Thanks everyone - it's been brilliant to see all your replies - that's what I love about Mumsnet - that there are such varying attitudes and responses!! For obvious reasons I cant talk about this in RL so this has been a godsend.
This thread has helped me see some areas where I could improve upon (i.e not being so mothering and 'weak') and also some suggestions on books, general attitude to take etc - so that's great. You are all STARS!! (Even those of you who I disagreed with!!)

OP posts:

Pronoia · 21/04/2010 22:32

If I were you

Next time he comes to you for support on this, fix him with a steely glare and say "I do not want to talk about the silly little girl you work with whose tits caught your eye. Of course it was exciting, fear of potentially losing your wife and child will be exciting. if you want our marriage to be exciting, try a little harder in it."

darkandstormy · 21/04/2010 22:51

Paula love it,my advice long walk,short plank tbh

Kiwiinkits · 22/04/2010 01:36

FWIW I am 100% with SGB on this. For God's sake don't over-analyse this. I hate to be crass but can't you just take him away for a weekend and shag him rotten? He'll come panting back to you.
OP, there's only so much you can talk about this stuff. Constantly banging each other over the head with deep and meaningful conversations is just going to draw it out and make you annoying to him. Put yourself in his shoes: how attracted to him would you be if he constantly wanted to bring up small slights or attractions of yours and talk about them in deep and serious tones all night long? I personally can't think of anything more tedious.

AnyFucker · 22/04/2010 07:27

This "take him away and shag him rotten" mentality makes me very uncomfortable, tbh

What are you hoping to do ? Mark your territory ? Claim your "prize".? Leave a stain that says "this man is miiiiiiiine" ???

By all means, shag as much as you like. But shag him if you fancy it, not to make a point.

Because that is a little bit desperate, and a little bit Stepford-fucking-wife trying to "keep" her man.

Think about it.

tallulah35 · 22/04/2010 12:29

Good luck SGR hope it all goes well and take AF's advice, don't use sex as a weapon, its uncool

OrmRenewed · 22/04/2010 13:14

Agree af. Just like a tom cat marking it's territory. She shouldn't need to do this to keep her husband faithful.

Kiwiinkits · 23/04/2010 06:58

I don't think I'm advocating using sex as a weapon. More an act of kindness and love. One act of kindness begets another. So, OP, go on and give him some kindness. The alternative is to get moody, and stroppy, and festy. All that's going to do is make him moody, stroppy and festy too. Why create a downward spiral when you can create an upward one?

AnyFucker · 23/04/2010 07:15

Not sex as a weapon maybe...but sex as an act of desperation and ownership

skidoodly · 23/04/2010 07:44

Why create any kind of spiral? Having a bit of a crush on someone is not spiral-worthy.

The only person around here displaying hysterical monogamism is the op's husband.

Agree very much with Pronoi and thegirl

Flip

1 2 3