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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH has cheated, he thinks the OW is genuine regarding morning after pill

70 replies

desperatewife · 20/04/2010 12:07

Strange questions really, I would be grateful for any help.

I recently caught DH having an affair. I know the OW a little bit, through mutual friends mainly but not that well myself. I think that OW is deceiving DH (she is a fabulous liar) but DH does not believe OW actived deceitfully, even though he claims that he has ended the relationship because I found out.

DH had unprotected sex with her in the middle of her cycle. She said that she would take the morning after pill the next day. She told DH she did, but I think that she is trying to get pregnant by my DH as she has confessed to being desperate for a child.

I have no experience of the MAP and neither does DH. However, I thought that it could make you bleed, that it had unpleasant side effects and additionally that it was more than one pill. Having told DH that she took the MAP, OW had no side effects whatsoever and continued to have sex with DH straightaway.

I need to open DH's eyes as he is still in contact with her. I am sure she is deceiving him and he can't see it. Any information would be greatly appreciated.

Is it really possible that she could have taken the MAP, not bled and not had any side effects and how many pills is it or does it vary with different brands?

OP posts:
dizietsma · 20/04/2010 12:14

Sorry to hear about your wanker DH cheating on you .

Have taken MAP several times, not side effects at all, certainly no bleeds etc. I haven't taken it since you were advised to take 2 pills 12 hours apart. I believe you are now advised to take the 2 pills at the same time.

It does sound like OW is trying to get pg, your DH is a prize fool.

SolidGoldBrass · 20/04/2010 12:15

You don't necessarily have many side effects with the MAP, particularly with the new improved version - and even with the old higher dosages the most usual side effect was tiredness and maybe some nausea.

However, I think you should maybe concentrate on yourself more than whatever this woman may be doing. It sounds as though your H is still continuing this affair, so you need to find out your legal position WRT the house and any DC you may have by him - this doesn't mean you have to end your marriage, but it's always important to know the facts as soon as possible as men who have decieved you over where they are sticking their dicks may well try to decieve you over ending the relationship ie not paying their fair share.
Is your H apologetic and trying to make things right with you? If not, then he may be planning to walk out anyway so it is important to prepare yourself.
Sorry this is happening to you.

CMOTdibbler · 20/04/2010 12:17

I think your DH is being a twat, but the MAP doesn't usually cause much side effects at all

NoahAndTheWhale · 20/04/2010 12:17

On the MAP front I have taken it and it was only one pill. I got slight nausea, but no bleeding and no other side effects.

I agree with other posters that you need to think about how you are affected by what your DH has done.

Original poster
desperatewife · 20/04/2010 12:23

Thanks for the replies.

SGB - yes, you are quite right that there are more important considerations for me right now. I have taken steps to protect myself, DC, money and house and do consider that DH could still be lying. However, part of the issue with mine and DH's relationship is that he sees the OW as some sort of angel who does no wrong (it was quite a new affair) so I need to try and get into his thick head that she isn't. It is pretty obvious that she is a lying little slag (excuse the language) but I would like to be able to have some proof so that DH can accept it, move on and really sort our marriage out. (He does want to sort it out).

OP posts:
Original poster
desperatewife · 20/04/2010 12:24

OK thanks everyone, I see that the MAP issue is not the way forward!

OP posts:
loopylou6 · 20/04/2010 12:29

Im confused as to why you're more worried about this woman taking the MAP when your husband is cheating on you and flaunting it? I think you need to concentrate on how this is affecting your marriage. Your husband is a twat clearly.

Where are you gonna go from here?

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 20/04/2010 12:37

If the OW is a 'lying little slag' then so is your DH.

EricNorthmansmistress · 20/04/2010 12:37

I expect she's worried that this woman might be pregnant by her H. That's a pretty big worry by itself.

itsmeitsmeolord · 20/04/2010 12:40

If your husband wanted to sort your marriage out he would cut all contact with the OW and not deify her.

However, it sounds like you blame her more than him? It takes two to have an affair.

4andnotout · 20/04/2010 12:40

Personally I'd be more worried about the possibility of sti's as he has obviously been having unprotected sex.

Lulumaam · 20/04/2010 12:40

your husband is also a liar, and i can;t use the sl*g word, it's vile

he has had unprotected sex with another woman, he is not exactly covered in glory

i would getting myself to the STI clinic asap , as you know he has had unprotected sex with her, and she might well also be doing so with her partner..

Lulumaam · 20/04/2010 12:42

it is almost laughable you are trying to find proof re the side effects of the MAP to amke you DH see sense

he is shagging someone else

you know he is

if he cant face up to things and your marriage being at risk you are on a hiding to nothing

Bucharest · 20/04/2010 12:46

Agree with everyone else.
The OW and the MAP aren't relevant in any of this story.
And it won't just have been the once you know.

I took the MAP once years ago, think it was just one pill, and I had no side effects.

StarExpat · 20/04/2010 12:46

He thinks she's an angel who can do no wrong... yet she had an affair with a married man?

mrsmharket · 20/04/2010 12:50

i would also say that you need to get yourself to the sexual health clinic quick smart, please consider what this man is doing to you.

my ex was eactly the same (well from it sounds like) and he carried on adn carried on and on. please don't end upin the same boat i did sweetheart

tiredemma · 20/04/2010 12:56

the side effects of MAP would be the last thing that I would be discussing with my DP in this scenario.

He would be wearing his balls around his neck and looking for somewhere else to live.

Why are so concerned about her??? He sounds like a complete and utter scrote.

Kathyjelly · 20/04/2010 13:13

If you're determined to continue with the marriage but you want him to have a reality check, you could explain to him that an unplanned chld will cost him 15% of his pretax income for the next 18 years. If he earns more, it will cost him more. And that's assuming she doesn't conceive twins.

I'd be more concerned about the trust, respect and the STI angle though. Yukk

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 20/04/2010 13:20

You really shouldn't be in a position where you are trying to talk him out of his feelings for her, logical or not. If he hasn't eschewed her and everything she stands for, he's not really working on the marriage.

choosyfloosy · 20/04/2010 13:20

I'd agree that the MAP is not the main issue here. that he's still in contact, what's going on there?

(But having taken it three times over 14 years , in 1989 it was 2 pills and horrible side-effects, in 2003 it was 1 pill and no side-effects. Though I also had ds.)

Original poster
desperatewife · 20/04/2010 13:24

This thread was just about the MAP, honestly. I have namechanged and it is separate from the thread I have discussing the real issues.

I really do mean that I have covered the important things: I have moved all our joint money into our name, I most certainly have visited the STI clinic etc etc. I do have things under control from my side but DH cannot get away from the fact that she is some sort of angel. I don't know how he can get things back on track with me without recognising that he has made a mistake. And he doesn't recognise that, so I am trying to force the issue any way I can.

Yes, obviously re the slag comment, I know my DH is at least equally to blame. But the fact is, we've been together for a long time, we have 2 kids and a shared life so I am trying to rebuild things with him - I can't flush our entire lives down the toilet because of this affair. Not yet, anyway.

OP posts:
ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 20/04/2010 13:32

I understand wanting to make your marriage work, but if your H is refusing to take any responsibility, and still thinks the sun shines out of the OW arse, why is he still living with you? It must be so demoralising and humiliating. If he wants to moon over the 'perfect' OW, how can he possibly fix your marriage? And why do you have to 'force' the issue that he's made a mistake? Doesn't he think he has? It sounds like he has all the power here, and that you are clinging on to him. Why do you think you are putting up with this shitty treatment?

crumpette · 20/04/2010 13:35

OP, please put yourself and DCs first. Invested time together is no reason to throw the rest of your life away with someone who is capable of treating you like this.

If your DH thinks she is 'an angel' then I'm afraid, to be frank, he is thinking with his penis. There's not a lot you can do, really. Sex hormones cloud judgement, totally, and if he holds her in such high regard I don't think he sounds like he is ready and willing to give up the affair.

MAP- it can be taken as just one pill, you can get it from Boots or a pharmacy or a GP. Costs £25 iirc and for me (many moons ago) it did not cause any side effects, so she could be telling the truth (unlikely though!)

Original poster
desperatewife · 20/04/2010 13:37

I am putting up with this shitty treatment because I cannot accept that my marriage is probably a failure. My own parents are divorced and I refuse to accept that for my own children who are both still preschoolers if there is any chance I can rectify the situation. In the absence of severe abuse/severe neglect etc, I think me and DH have a responsibility to sort this out given how young our DC are. I married for life and I still intend to be married for life.

OP posts:
Sassybeast · 20/04/2010 13:37

You can't rebuild something if someone else is constantly knocking down the bricks. And you are right - he won't get things back on track with you unless he sees her for waht she is. But you won't be able to make him see that. No matter how hard you try. Make him leave. it doesn't have to be 'for ever' and you MAY still make things work. But he needs to wake up to the reality of what he has done.