DH has cheated, he thinks the OW is genuine regarding morning after pill

[desperatewife]

Strange questions really, I would be grateful for any help.

I recently caught DH having an affair. I know the OW a little bit, through mutual friends mainly but not that well myself. I think that OW is deceiving DH (she is a fabulous liar) but DH does not believe OW actived deceitfully, even though he claims that he has ended the relationship because I found out.

DH had unprotected sex with her in the middle of her cycle. She said that she would take the morning after pill the next day. She told DH she did, but I think that she is trying to get pregnant by my DH as she has confessed to being desperate for a child.

I have no experience of the MAP and neither does DH. However, I thought that it could make you bleed, that it had unpleasant side effects and additionally that it was more than one pill. Having told DH that she took the MAP, OW had no side effects whatsoever and continued to have sex with DH straightaway.

I need to open DH's eyes as he is still in contact with her. I am sure she is deceiving him and he can't see it. Any information would be greatly appreciated.

Is it really possible that she could have taken the MAP, not bled and not had any side effects and how many pills is it or does it vary with different brands?

If I were you I'd secure as much financially as I possibly could (move it to a personal account, not a joint account) and I'd get rid of him. If he has such an esteemed view of her, he is likely to (possibly) leave you anyway.

Agree with sassybeast. If you want any chance of your marriage working, he has to leave and realise what he will lose. You can't make him be a loving, faithful husband. You can only change how you react to him, so that at the very least you get to walk away with your dignity. Oh, and telling you how wonderful he thinks the OW is counts as abusive in my book. How incredibly cruel and hurtful

yes, I've taken the money to a personal account.

He may still leave me, so I have prepared for that. In fact, he was very upset to see the documents on the desk when he came home unexpectedly.

it takes two to make a marriage work and no-one, your children including , will come out of this well, with one person trying to force the other to be married and be happy.

he has given a big sign he is not wanting to be happily married

he is taking no steps to make this work

with the best will in the world, you can want things to work and not want to throw it away, but without a willing partner, it means nothing, which is still awfully sad

Sorry OP I don't mean to be harsh but you sound like you are young enough to rebuild your life without your twat of a DH ruining it. I totally understand wanting to rebuild things and wanting to stay together for your DCs, but what a sad pretence you will be living knowing how he truly feels. If you want him to change you need to kick him out and make him realise how utterly wrong his actions have been. He will probably come back with his tail between his legs eventually, if that's what you want. Even if you don't kick him out you need to do something dramatic. He sounds like he has a total disregard for you and your DCs, what a complete bastard! If you jointly own a house he will have financial concerns about leaving/getting a divorce. Perhaps you could see a family solicitor, you'd get the house and children and maintenance for sure. That might make him realise what he is risking. So sorry you are in this situation.

desperatewife, where is your anger? I would be murderous if my DH treated me this casually. You don't have to put up with this crap. He opted out of your marriage vows.

He is never going to listen to you slagging off this woman. Why would you say anything else?

He is still sleeping with her and has no intention of stopping. That is what you need to deal with, not trying to out him off her so he comes home and makes do with you.

You shouldn't feel any shame if you do divorce. You have done nothing wrong.

Sorry - but why is your dh still in contact with her?????? That is not acceptable.

"sees her for what she is"

Sorry but the OW is not the person at issue here. SHE isn't the one who has been unfaithful and lied about it.

Desperatewife's husband needs to face up to what HE is.

I am absolutely baffled as to how throwing mud at the other woman will help in any way at all. If your husband isn't riddled with guilt and abasing himself in front of you, then THAT'S what you should be concentrating on.

If he loves her you can't MAKE him un-love her - he will just view anything you do/say as born out of jealousy.

It's laudable and (to a certain extent) understandable that you want to make your marriage work but honestly I am baffled about this focus on the OW's behaviour - you sound like you have your head in the sand - his behaviour is appalling and unacceptable and if he can't recognise that, then what hope have you got?

Your children will be much more disturbed and unhappy growing up in an abusive household. What your DH is doing is not only disgusting but is emotional abuse. Children pick up on this. You will never have a happy marriage now this has happened, sorry.

A friend of mine had a DH like yours....ahgd an affair with 'his soulmate', 'lovely kind woman' etc..

Three years down the line he is still not transparent, she still suspects that every time he's out he may cheat, everytime he's inexplicably moody that he's having an affair.

You should not need to convince your DH that this OW is a slag, he should love you enough to not want to be with anyone else or hurt you. You should want him to be with you full stop not because the alternative is not as nice as he thinks!
Get some self respect back, you deserve better. Kick him out until he begs!

The main side effect I remember from the MAP was pregnancy.

It fails a lot.

If your husband had unprotected sex purely on the basis that she would take the MAP afterwards then it sounds to me like he was trying to get her pregnant, or at least OK with the idea that it might happen.

Not three years, three children and FIVE years!

Are you for real?

You can't make someone change. If he can't see that the kind of woman who sleeps with other women's husbands is not very nice then he is a twat and that he should be faithful to your marriage vows then you need to get rid!

You should get rid because he has put your family life and your health at risk. He has also compromised your financial stability by possibly fathering another child.

You don't have a marriage. You have a liability.

Sorry desperate, I really have read what you said about this not being the main thread. And I totally respect that you want to rebuild this. I sure think it's possible.

I don't really get why he thinks that because she is a great person, that makes infidelity tickety-boo. What are you supposed to say? 'Oh yes darling, because she looks after two disabled children full-time and gives blood every two months since 1992, it's absolutely fine to pork her'? Weird.

Best wishes.

OP she could be a Saint or a prostitute and it still would be shit for your marriage

I'm sorry but it seems like he is very much in love with OW.

And no care or respect toward you at all.

And a pig to boot.

What you are going through is a process. It is easy for outsiders to cut straight to the end of the story and tell you to leave or to get violent, but I understand that you are not there yet and if you have been married a long time it will take you a long time to get to that place.
Your DH is obviously in complete denial about the possible outcomes of this situation. If the OW does end up pregnant he could end up paying child support for your children as well as hers, as well as losing his home.
Have you spoken to the OW? Affairs are v exciting and sexy until everyone finds out and her friends, neighbours etc start avoiding and judging her and the guilt kicks in. Lets see what an angel she is under pressure.
Good luck

That's helpful Claridges, encouraging the OP with her mudslinging.

OP- read Posie's post up there, you already know he's still seeing this woman (whether or not it is now platonically)(and I very much doubt it is given that he doesn't care enough about saving your feelings, let alone your marriage, by ending his friendship with her) Can you really stand that feeling you are going to have, every time he's 5 mins late, every time he answers the phone and you don't know who it is?

I have spoken to the OW. She denied having slept with him (she didn't realise that he had actually confessed it to me) although she admitted being involved with him. There is no doubt that she is an excellent, convincing and polite bare faced liar, but as you say, it's no good for my marriage either way.

I know my DH is a selfish idiot. I just wish he wasn't.

"I am putting up with this shitty treatment because I cannot accept that my marriage is probably a failure. My own parents are divorced and I refuse to accept that for my own children who are both still preschoolers if there is any chance I can rectify the situation. In the absence of severe abuse/severe neglect etc, I think me and DH have a responsibility to sort this out given how young our DC are. I married for life and I still intend to be married for life."

that's all very well but he clearly doesn't feel the same way OP or he wouldn't still be carrying on with her.

If she isn't pregnant to him now she will be soon.If she is having unprotected sex in mid-cycle she is clearly trying to get pregnant. Once that happens they will have stripped you of any control you may think yo have now.

Oh dear.

Wishing won't make it so. He is a selfish idiot. Put yourself and your children first.

what everyone else said

OP, are you seeing a pattern emerging on this thread yet ?

Nothing extra to add.

Fwiw I also think he is still with the ow and isn't too bothered about you and your feelings. You can't make a marriage work if he doesn't want to. I think you should be trying to retain your dignity and self respect.