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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has been sending dirty text messages :(

20 replies

PDR · 18/04/2010 21:45

I was trying to send a text from DH's phone and saw a few messages sent and received which I wish I hadn't!

I didn't have long before he snatched it from me but they were clearly from an old flame (the number wasn't saved so no name) and there were a lot of "miss & love you's" and also some sexual references.

I confronted DH and he said this was an ex and they were just fantisies (she lives in another country so no physical cheating going on).

I have looked at his phone records and he has been texting her regularly for a couple of weeks (only goes back that far) and called her once for 15 mins or so.

He doesn't seem to think he has done anything wrong but I feel so betrayed and am finding it hard to trust him now.

Whenever he gets a text my heart starts beating and I feel tears coming to my eyes.

We have only been married for 2.5 yrs and we have a 2yr old DS who adores his daddy.

My DH is from overseas so he would almost certainly leave the country if we were to separate.

OP posts:

whomovedmychocolate · 18/04/2010 21:48

What a shithead!

Yes he's done something wrong. You are right to be angry. Tell him it stops now or he can just leave.

You poor thing.

Original poster

PDR · 18/04/2010 21:49

The thing is if he thinks this is OK then I'm not sure he can love me really...?
I would never be able to do this to him.

OP posts:

plummed · 18/04/2010 21:50

You need to explain to him this is not OK! Especially if he is still texting her now. Ask him how he would feel if it was you?

abbierhodes · 18/04/2010 21:51

He should be grovelling, not defending himself. You need to get angry. He should be begging your forgiveness, changing his number...everything to rebuild the trust he has removed from your relationship.

on your behalf.

Original poster

PDR · 18/04/2010 21:53

He said they are "friends" and that I text my friends all the time and he never says anything

He just said about 20 mins ago that I am treating him like a child (checking up on him) and that "this is not going to work out" if I carry on .

I said I was still upset and I needed time to forgive him and trust him again.

He didn't say anything and now engrossed in 24.

OP posts:

paulaplumpbottom · 18/04/2010 21:56

My DH does this. He is deflecting. He is trying to scare you into dropping the matter by scaring you that he will leave. The f@#ker is being a bully. He knows he is in the wrong.

WingedVictory · 18/04/2010 22:00

""this is not going to work out" if I carry on "

You can explain to him that it is pretty obnoxious for him to be threatening you. Then wait for his response, which ought to be telling.

DramaInPyjamas · 18/04/2010 22:04

Don't let him talk his way out of it. You need to keep trying to discuss the situation. If you give up he will think he has won and more likely to do it again and again.

dignified · 18/04/2010 22:36

Have a calm discussion about boundaries, ie where cheating begins and ends. If he states he isnt cheating calmly state your glad youve discussed this and agreed some limits, , could you please have the number for his brother as theres several fantasies youd like to share with him.

Original poster

PDR · 18/04/2010 22:49

Funny I did ask him how he would feel if it were the other way around, and he said he'd be mad so I guess that's pretty telling...

Will try and discuss it again tomo....

HATE this! Little fu*ker!

OP posts:

zazen · 18/04/2010 23:04

Sounds like he's looking for a way out already: his saying ' "this is not going to work out" if I carry on...' is a big red light, that he's mentally packed his bags. The grass is greener and he's got his old gf ready and waiting for him...

The threatening is a big no no, and a precurser of worse to come. Is he controlling in other ways?

TBH I'd let him go if he's so blatantly gaslighting: cheating, denying, lying and minimising your reaction to his infidelity.

He's abusing you. And he's a cheat.

Sorry.

dignified · 18/04/2010 23:07

I wouldnt waste time and energy trying to explain why its wrong, he knows full well it is. Either he stops , or you will afford yourself the same priveledges, end of.
In fact id go a step further and ask him if hed like to redifine boundarys in regards to other people altogether.
He cant have it all ways.

sherby · 18/04/2010 23:12

He said they are "friends" and that I text my friends all the time and he never says anything

Do you text your friends sex texts? Are you sending them texts which take you OUT of the bounds of your marriage contract?

He just said about 20 mins ago that I am treating him like a child (checking up on him) and that "this is not going to work out" if I carry on

Sooo you caught him out and now HE is using the age old 'oh you hysterical woman' clause to make you feel like shit....with a nice little threat to leave/finish things if you carry on moaning

He sounds ummmm lovely

In all seriousness, I would be getting ANGRY and stating in no uncertain terms that he is in the WRONG here NOT you and what the fuck is he intending to do to 1, make it up to you and 2, rectify the situation

AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 23:24

what dignified said

RichardLawton · 19/04/2010 00:39

I feel there are 2 issues here:

(1) His behaviour. I think pretty much everyone would agree that it's not acceptable. So tell him that it doesn't work for you for him to receive sexy texts from other women.

(2) The relationship. There's also the question of why he's been doing this. Has the spark gone out of your relationship? Perhaps the 2 of you need to work at putting some zest back into it. When was the last time you sent him a sexy test? But you need to get (1) resolved first.

Tortington · 19/04/2010 00:55

what's good for the goose is good for the gander ( or vice versa)

this is in every aspect of married life - from picking up his mucky gruds - would he pick up yours? no? then put them in the washing basket - whats good for you is good for me.

he wants a blow job but he;s been wearing those trews all day - well i want cunnilingus without having a shower first...no? whats good for you is good for me, so dont expect me to do to you what you wont do to me.

sent a text to my ex "i miss you and i want to be with you, i want to hold you kiss you and caress you"

but you can't do it... its not wrong for me to do it but it is wrong for you to do it.

its not wrong for me to do it becuase i am a man, i am stronger, i have more earning power and i own you.

you can't do it because i own you .

tell him you;re looking up an ex on facebook - whats good for him is good for you - tell him that you think you should treat each other in a way which you wish to be treated yourselves - but if he can't see an error to his deed, then you will concede to his excellent judgement in these matters, of course you didn't realise that contacting ex partners and flirting with them was ok - but now you have his explicit agreement that it is, you have someone in mind.

of course this won't solve anything. but its what i would do.

after i stamped on the phone and dropped it down the loo and then pissed on his work shirts

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 19/04/2010 09:12

The point of this is that were this ex living in the same country, believe me, there would be "cheating going on". People rumbled in the midst of these texting relationships always claim that they would never have "taken the next step" but had they not been rumbled, they most certainly would have been physically unfaithful. This is something you must understand and accept.

That he is being defensive, angry and deflecting speaks volumes. This behaviour speaks of someone who feels entitled to betray and is incapable of shame or contrition - an offence even worse than the catalyst for this showdown.

You may feel that you wish you had not read those texts, but your discovery is actually an enormous gift. Worse and worse would have happened to you over the next few months and years and you might have been none the wiser. Knowledge is power.

Do not move on with this man until he has admitted full responsibility for what is irrefutably shitty behaviour - and do not believe that this wouldn't have progressed further. If you actually want a relationship with this man, get to the bottom of why he was doing this and solve it once and for all. Stopping a behaviour does not remove anyone's motivation for doing it.

thesecondcoming · 19/04/2010 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

pdr · 09/05/2010 09:40

Update:

DH eventually admitted he was wrong to be speaking to this woman in such a manner and agreed to have no further contact with her.

I can still see all his bills so lying would be pointless. I did check for about a week but have decided to let it go now as I can't spend all my time snooping on him!

I still don't know why he was doing this to be honest but if something like this ever happens again I will not be able to forgive him.

I know a lot of people will think I am stupid for forgiving him this once but that is what I have decided to do.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/05/2010 20:11

Thanks for the update

look, nobody has the right to tell you that you are stupid

You have had a warning now...he is not quite the man you thought he was and has fallen off his pedestal

If this happens again...and he threatens to go back to his home country, just hand him his passport and a brief kiss goodbye....

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