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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ffs I just want to scream.

63 replies

dollparts · 18/04/2010 13:11

I need to vent, so please bear with me whilst I get this out.

I'm divorced and have been seeing a man for a year now. He has a high pressured job and commits a lot of time to it. Fair enough-you earn big money, no one will give to you for free.

When we first started out he was a lot more forthcoming about what he wanted in life, spoke a little (not a whole lot) about his feelings and lead me to believe that there was a really good chance that we would build a future together if that was what we both wanted.

As the months went on, I found the situation becoming more and more strange. It panned out we were only meeting one day a week-fine, I'm busy too. I just noticed that everything was on his terms. Example, if a football game was on he would cut the day short to watch it at home, washing and ironing on a Sunday so no chance then. He's in bed by 9 every night and is so regimental about everything.

Before anyone suggests, he's NOT cheating or anything like that. He calls regularly, chats on msn with me whenever he's at home. I just think he's a loner, and doesn't need the affection and physical contact I do. We don't always have sex when we see each other, it all depends on whether we have time depending on what's happening on the day etc etc.

We didn't meet this weekend, he says he's feeling down and wants to rest at home. I rushed around all morning yesterday so I could spend the day guilt free, knowing everything was done. Then he called and said he wanted to stay at home.

He's a good person in the humane respect ie; generous, funny and we get along so well.

I just want more, and I am afraid to tell him because I would feel destroyed if he simply told me he couldn't give it to me. In my minds eye I know I am not strong enough to deal with the truth.

I'm going out of my mind, I'm so down about this. I feel out of control but it leads to frustration.

I cannot work him out. This is a very clear example of the curves he throws me:

He has said in the past that he prefers to sleep alone, hence why he always prefers to go home each time we meet. I would love to spend the night with him, feel close to him and just do normal things that couples do.

But out of the blue he asks me to look up flights and hotels so we can go to New york for a short break!

For god sake can someone please try and fathom this for me, I could quite honestly cry with frustration.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 18/04/2010 13:17

I'm sorry, but I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a guy like this. Can you read your post from our POV and see how it sounds?

He sounds controlling, boring, self-absorbed, boring, dull, cold, a loner and did I mention boring?

I'm sorry, but really, a year in - it's time to get OUT.

fluffles · 18/04/2010 13:19

i don't think it's that hard - he is a loner, you said it youself.

you don't say how old he is or whether he's lived alone a long time but i'm guessing he is very stuck in his ways and needs his own space and time to himself.

he likes you, that is clear, and wants to spend time with you but it sounds like he does not necessarily want to think about cohabiting or anything similar.

this is going to have to be about what YOU want i'm afraid, is what you have enough for you? what's the worst that can happen if you talk about this with him openly?

FabIsGoingToGetFit · 18/04/2010 13:21

Making do because you are scared of him finishing your once a week meet up is not a reason not to talk to him. All the time you are making do is time you are not free to meet someone who can give you everything you want and who wants it too.

MollieO · 18/04/2010 13:24

Sounds like he considers you to be a friend rather than a girlfriend tbh. If it were me and seeing him stopped me from meeting someone that would be a proper boyfriend I would have to call it quits and move on. Looking at flights and hotels in NY doesn't actually mean you will be going, does it? Even if you did go it sounds as if he'd want separate rooms.

MrsSawdust · 18/04/2010 13:29

I think you need to make your intentions clear. This isn't the 19th century - women do not have to wait for a man to move things up a gear.

If you want more (and why wouldn't you?) you need to tell him. The worst that can happen is that he doesn't want the same thing and you stop seeing each other. Leaving you free to find someone who does want the same.

If you don't say anything, the worst that can happen is that you will drift along in this half-relationship forever, and never find the happiness and committed partner you deserve.

lisasimpson · 18/04/2010 13:34

Cancels at short notice - likes to sleep 'alone' - regimented routine. are you sure he's not married?

Original poster
dollparts · 18/04/2010 13:40

No, definitely not married, I've been over to his house, helped him move in etc.

I would be on anything like that from the get-go.

That's why it makes it harder, I thought the only crime a man could commit was playing away-in that playing away was a clear and specific danger iykwim?

OP posts:
Original poster
dollparts · 18/04/2010 13:42

I've just spoken to him on the phone and blurted it all out.

I need 8 coffees and a few boxes of fags and I will process what we talked abt and post back.

Thanks everyone for the replies, it helps more than you know to hear others opinions.

OP posts:
FabIsGoingToGetFit · 18/04/2010 13:44

Have 1 cup of coffee, no fags and then take a deep breath.

ChippingIn · 18/04/2010 14:20

Are you coming back? Too many fags & too much coffee will only make you feel .

Come & tell us what happened

CarGirl · 18/04/2010 14:30
Sad
Original poster
dollparts · 18/04/2010 15:13

Ok, sorry about that, had a coffee and walked the dog to clear my head.

So I just rang him and asked the following:

Would you rather we were just friends?

He gulped, and said Ok, I know I am not the easiest man in the world, I would understand if you were bored.

I said it wasn't a case of boredom, but that I didn't want to be just friends. However, if he didn't feel the same way then I deserved to know.

He said he wanted to be more than friends and asked me where this had all come from.

So I said it had been on my mind for some time but I was afraid to ask by way if protecting my feelings. He went on to say that he would never want to hurt me but said that we would sit and talk next weekend face to face and work things through. I think I somehow confused but managed to explain what I meant.

I was comforted by the fact he said he wanted to be more and will see what he says when I define the differences between friends and going beyond that.

It's harder when you know they have no malice, nor any clue what their behaviour can impact on people around them.

I hope this makes sense, I feel relieved to have got some of this off my chest.

Would be grateful for your thoughts?

OP posts:
bobbiewickham · 18/04/2010 15:15

Maybe you are just incompatible?

Sometimes you can like someone, even love them, but different personalities just don't work together and no-one gets their needs met.

Sorry if that seems harsh, but seems you could save yourself a lot of heartache further down the line.

franke · 18/04/2010 15:20

Sounds a bit controlling - despite knowing you're feeling a bit crap about it all, he still makes you sweat it out till next week to discuss at a time that suits him. It's all too much on his terms, he seems very inflexible. I think you deserve better.

Original poster
dollparts · 18/04/2010 15:21

Just to answer some of the questions that your replies through up, he has never been married, always lived alone except for a brief time when he lived with a gf a few years ago which wasn't a great experience by the sounds of it or shared with others.

I don't know if it makes a difference but he was sent to boarding school at the age of 10. I mention this because I think it has formed many of his personality traits imho.

I did ask him if we would be booking separate rooms and he said 'no', we would be in the same suite.

OP posts:
ChippingIn · 18/04/2010 15:21

It's one of those situations where unless you know both the people involved it's hard to say, but from what you have said I wouldn't want to be with someone like him (a loner/early to bed/prefers to sleep alone/goes a bit hot & cold). Don't you find him/his attitude to life boring??

BitOfFun · 18/04/2010 15:22

He's Just Not That Into You.

Original poster
dollparts · 18/04/2010 15:29

Chipping in- that's an interesting point you raise. I say that because it then comes back to me and my situation.

My exhb's behaviour whilst we were married was a great shock to me-he cheated twice and it blew me away.

During my marriage I lost a lot of my confidence and still have a long way to go in re-building this.

I have major hangups about my body and will be having surgery shortly (hopefully) I am wondering what my tolerance levels will be like then when I start to feel better about myself?

That said, I know me. I do think a lot of him and know there are circumstances that may contribute to the way he behaves too.

OP posts:
Original poster
dollparts · 18/04/2010 15:30

Thanks BitOfFun, always helpful to have input such as the comment you made.

OP posts:
franke · 18/04/2010 15:31

The thing is you are giving all the reasons as to why he is the way he is, and that's all fair enough. But what about you? It's clear from all that you've said here that he's not really making you happy. Okay maybe he's not a classic controlling, emotional abuser, but he is a bit of a stick in the mud.

choosyfloosy · 18/04/2010 15:32

well, i have to say that I really prefer sleeping alone in a general way too, although I don't, because we don't have enough room for that kind of thing. Idon't think it's odd to prefer sleeping alone most of the time but making a different arrangement on holiday, what's weird about that? What 'normal' people do is one thing, but he sounds unbothered by what 'normal' people do and really, why should he be bothered? If he's adult enough to say what he really likes to do, then IMO he has given you the freedom to say what you like too, and to decide together whether those are compatible overall.

If he has depression on a regular basis, then deciding he can't cope with seeing anyone is a very ordinary reaction, and in some cases sensible, although IMO in most cases if people are able to force themselves to keep to arrangements it's preferable. Having said that, a relationship with someone with substantial mental health problems is quite difficult at times.

My post probably sound pretty prickly, and it does seem as if there's a lot about this man that doesn't suit you and nor should you have to force yourself into someone else's framework, but I think he has a right to be how he is, without being labelled.

Original poster
dollparts · 18/04/2010 15:33

Franke, what you say is undeniably true.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 18/04/2010 15:36

Sorry- I am not myself today. Didn't mean to upset you. I suppose I just mean- is this really worth your effort?

Original poster
dollparts · 18/04/2010 15:37

He is well aware that some of his habits and quirks are not considered by others to be normal as it were. The fact he is frightfully honest with me is why I think we are still together.

OP posts:
lottaluvin · 18/04/2010 15:40

When are you going to NYC? Is it booked? Is he keen to go? I would go and see how it moves from there. Maybe he needs a bump up the backside. You have a fab time, it plants the seed in his mind that intimate time is nice etc etc

Men are never very good at expressing their feelings, and actually how many of us want a man that does that too much....I'm assuming his last experience of coupled life was awful...

I lived on my own for 6 years, after a horrific break up I had a fab flat and life in London, felt safe and financially secure and didn't want anyone to spoil it, so I refused to let anyone move in or move me out until I was absolutely ready....

So know I am with DH - have used all of my hard earned savings paying off his bloody ex wife, lost my job following his army career around the world and am living in a sh*thole married quarters in the middle of nowhere. The only redeeming feature is DS...so I'm sorry to go against the tide but I can see his point! LOL