ffs I just want to scream.

[dollparts]

I need to vent, so please bear with me whilst I get this out.

I'm divorced and have been seeing a man for a year now. He has a high pressured job and commits a lot of time to it. Fair enough-you earn big money, no one will give to you for free.

When we first started out he was a lot more forthcoming about what he wanted in life, spoke a little (not a whole lot) about his feelings and lead me to believe that there was a really good chance that we would build a future together if that was what we both wanted.

As the months went on, I found the situation becoming more and more strange. It panned out we were only meeting one day a week-fine, I'm busy too. I just noticed that everything was on his terms. Example, if a football game was on he would cut the day short to watch it at home, washing and ironing on a Sunday so no chance then. He's in bed by 9 every night and is so regimental about everything.

Before anyone suggests, he's NOT cheating or anything like that. He calls regularly, chats on msn with me whenever he's at home. I just think he's a loner, and doesn't need the affection and physical contact I do. We don't always have sex when we see each other, it all depends on whether we have time depending on what's happening on the day etc etc.

We didn't meet this weekend, he says he's feeling down and wants to rest at home. I rushed around all morning yesterday so I could spend the day guilt free, knowing everything was done. Then he called and said he wanted to stay at home.

He's a good person in the humane respect ie; generous, funny and we get along so well.

I just want more, and I am afraid to tell him because I would feel destroyed if he simply told me he couldn't give it to me. In my minds eye I know I am not strong enough to deal with the truth.

I'm going out of my mind, I'm so down about this. I feel out of control but it leads to frustration.

I cannot work him out. This is a very clear example of the curves he throws me:

He has said in the past that he prefers to sleep alone, hence why he always prefers to go home each time we meet. I would love to spend the night with him, feel close to him and just do normal things that couples do.

But out of the blue he asks me to look up flights and hotels so we can go to New york for a short break!

For god sake can someone please try and fathom this for me, I could quite honestly cry with frustration.

My heart tells me he is worth the effort, my head is what will not be comfortable with things the way they are. That's why I went for it and spoke up. Deep down I know I cannot go on the way it is without raising it with him and seeing the reaction whatever that may be.

Bitoffun, no hard feelings.

You are supposed to be in the nicest part of a realtionship and he is already so distant? sorry, I would take the hint and let him go...

that is, unless you want to end up like the thousands of ignored women, married to men who earn good money but do not care as much for their family as for their careers.

With this I'm not saying that every high earner ignores his wife, but that you might end up being one of those many who get that bad luck.

I would try my luck somewhere else.

i think he sounds a bit clueless really, and i think some men will happily just go with the flow - never thinking about where a relationship is going - they just float along thinking all is fine and dandy.

i think you did the right thing in pointing out your frustrations. now i think you both need to sit down and talk it through properly, maybe use the trip to NY for some neutral ground and some openess.

tell him how you feel and what you want, and see what goes. i think youve nothing to lose by laying your cards on the table. he may well just not have thought about it that deeply.

dollparts - I think it's all very well to want to talk about it etc and see why he is like this, but to be honest, if this is how is, regardless of why he is like it - do you want to be with him or are you just settling? Just because he's better than your exh, doesn't make him a good option.

You are only a year into this, life should be wonderful, exciting, brilliant - full of hope and good stuff - not all this boring, 'I must do my laundry on Sundays, watch football alone at my place, be in my bed at 9, feeling down, depressed' crap that you are getting....

Sorry, but there's more to life than this!! You deserve more now, not when you've had surgery - now.

Choosey - who is labeling this bloke??

It's not a hint if he didn't take the bait and go for the lets be friends thing

He wants to discuss it, perhaps he needs time to work it out as well? If he thought everything was trotting along in a happy little rut he now needs to work out where he wants it to head as well. FWIW it sounds as if the NY thing was him trying to step up a gear?

Don't be too ahrd on him: set in his ways is different from being a bad person and instead hear him out. Get a commitment to a weekend away (maybe not NY with the palnes the way tehy are!) and see how that goes.... if he is worth it then step by step gently is fine as longas it is moving: somewhere between full pace and nowhere would probably suit you both.

Good luck next week.

You don't say whether you actually love him. Is he really worth all this angst? I know good relationships aren't always a walk in the park, but they shouldn't have to be this hard work. Life's too short.

Hassled-I do love him, but I cannot allow myself to love him any more than I do (and I know you cannot control love in quantities) unless we can resolve this and go forward.

At the same time I am too old to convince myself love is ever enough...

If he didn't reallise you wanted any more though then you may find he just needs to process / shake off memories of past GF and then go for it.

I wouldn't write anything off before chat but be sure in yourself what you need from him and don't agree to less

Stick in the mud or perhaps even a bit spectrummy, i reckon. Neither of them bad, at all.

But they WILL be bad if you want something else.

As quite a few posters have said, think about it. Think about what you want from a relationship, generally, not just this relationship.

I think the road to hell is to be in a relationship where you are constantly trying to change your partner to be more what you want. People aren't sofas, you can't re-cover them to suit you. It makes everything unhappy.

Fair enough if there's some little thing, and you both are into compromise but if it's thoroughgoing personality change it's not a good idea.

That said, I do hope it all works out, and he's just shy, or out of practice, or something.

Er he sounds like MY perfect man tbh.

I don't know what his deal is or why he is like it but I was like this in the brief relationship I had after exh. My relationship with ex h was stressful and he was abusive and I was totally exhausted by it at the end. All I wanted was a nice, easy gentle non pressurised friendship, if anything at all. I ended it after a couple of months because he was quite full on and I just didn't want that kind of relationship.

Imvho it is not worth all the hassle thinking about stuff like this, if the relationship is not moving on as you would like it to then it is probably not right. Never been a believer in "the talk". You are either on the same page or you are not.

yy choosyfloosy.

what does your last post mean snorbs?

I'm sorry have the attention span of a gnat today, have scanned the posts....

he seems to be treating you a little like some kind of glorified booty call...

Picking you up when he feels like it and keeping you at arms length when he doesn't.

Your 'heart' is telling you that the 'dream' of him is worth the effort. Your head is telling you that the reality is, he's not worth it.

This will end in tears.

couples maintaining two seperate homes is an increasing trend, as is having a relationship i would describe as 'dating' for a long long time.. there are as many models of 'relationship' as there are people in the world.

if this works for the couple then fine, but it sounds like you might want more - him to stay over, maybe even live together?

you need to sort out what YOU want before you have the discussion with him... it's not about what he can give, it's about what you will accept.

Well done you for opening a dialogue with him about this. FWIW I think his response was a positive one - he didn't take the get out clause you handed him and he wants to talk about it all face to face. Good start.

Make sure you are certain about what you want to say and don't be afraid to say that it's not good enough if he can't meet your needs. Be prepared to let him go if you have to. Your strength and certainly might show him the right path to take.

I disagree with the posters on here who are saying he isn't worth it. He isn't abusive or controlling. I don't believe he's trying to control you anyway (although his own life sounds very controlled). He sounds like a genuinely nice man to me, albeit with issues (hell, who hasn't got a few of those?)

Being a nice man doesn't necessarily make him the right man of course - only you can say whether he's worth the effort or not, but from your posts I get the impression that you think he is.

Lots of good vibes coming your way for next weekend - I hope you get the result you want.

By the way, Snorbs's post means "Yes yes I agree with what choosyfloosy said"

I agree, he does not control me in any way, he is not the type to do so at all.

I agree with the point that I should decide what I will accept and what I want from the relationship in order to carry on.

I do not have a burning desire to move in together, in fact I have never considered it as I would need to base such a decision on more than someone whom I see once a week. To be honest, I would love him to stay over. I don't want to make him feel like he is obliged to, but I do want to impress upon him that to want things such as that is quite natural and that I should not be seen as unreasonable for this.

MrsSawdust, I do think he is worth it, but I will not lie to myself any more. I did that with my marriage and regularly questioned whether being married to my ex was 'my lot in life'.

In the past when I have thought of ending it with him because of this I then think about getting on with my life without him in it. It upset me, I don't want to just move on and find another man, deep down I really have a distinct feeling that things will not always be this way.

Does that make me a fool?

Fluffles, your last comment makes a lot of sense and helps me get what I am feeling in perspective.

God, typing it out makes such a difference. And the outsiders' looking in is invaluable.

I hope you don't mind me saying this but to me it sounds like he has some traits that my DH has. My DH has Aspergers Syndrome.

My DH adores me and our children and would never intentionally hurt us but finds it very hard to be with us all the time. He has his own room and spends lots of time on his own doing his own things. He can cope with family life this way and it works for us. I can see that for some people it would not work, but we have come to a point where we both are comfortable with things as they are. Sometimes I have to compromise and sometimes he does.

We have been together nearly 20 years and have had some ups and downs but I love him dearly. He is a good man and works hard to build us a future.

We didn't really understand about his AS until about 5/6 years ago when our DS was diagnosed with it and things about DH clicked into place. Since then I have understood DH a LOT better and realised that his approach to life is somewhat different to what others expect and that some things I cannot change.

Now I am not saying that your partner has AS and wouldn't say that I am an expert, and I hope that you aren't offended by what I've said. I just wanted to throw in another viewpoint.

hi op. he definitely sounds a bit emotionally distant. especially if this is after a year? i wonder if there is some part to his life story he hasn't told you yet - maybe nothing that dosgy just painful.

i went out with a chap like this for a few months years ago. behaved very similarly indeed. because i am super nosey sometimes i found out on friendsreunited that he'd been engaged to his ex and must have been planning the wedding at the time he updated his page and was due to marry pretty much the week we first went on a date. this was all new to me. i asked him about it and he confessed he had been jilted and still felt he didn't know why. he was planning to move to dubai and all sorts for the ex. anyway i was a bit meh that he'd not supplied this information but it obviously made sense why he was so but arms length about everything and also who wants to admit they've been jilted :-(

Wedgiesmum you have made a point that I did not think to consider.

He has told me in the past that he was taken out of several schools when he was very young for bad behaviour and being disruptive.

At the time it was decided he had some form of ADHD but it was never really explored to my knowledge. I have certainly noticed pockets of his behaviour that clearly demonstrate his lack of attention, not able to focus, jumping from one subject to another when talking and going off of a tangent in the middle of a conversation.

Some days we rarely finish a conversation and he is off on another thought, subject etc etc.

what got me thinking about this albeit briefly months back was when I noticed how much of a mathematical 'genius' he is and his ability to calculate to the nth degree.

What you have touched upon has made me look at this in yet another different light.

Dear Dollparts

Is he paying for NYC trip? If so, then for Christs sake, dump him AFTER not BEFORE trip.

Regards

baluchi

I've just read up on a few of the aspergers support sites, and also came across this article

It's ringing many, many bells.

DP - just don't forget to consider you in all of this. He may have Asp and it may 'explain' some of his behaviour and the way he works - but you still need to work out if you can get what you need out of this relationship - Asp or not. Do you see what I mean?

Sorry, on the "aperger's spectrum" is what I meant by "spectrummy". I really do think, that if this is the case, you really, really should think about whether this relationship, as it is now, suits your personality in the long term.

Aspies have loads of wonderful traits, but if you're the sort of person who isn't going to find it comfortable in the long term, you shouldn't get yourself into a position where you are trying to "change" him. It'll just cause you both a lot of unnecessary grief.

Of course, from this side of the screen, there's no telling if this is the case. Or what your long term needs and wants are. Or if they will be met with negotiation.

Suppose it's all going in the general direction of you spending a little time thinking about what it is you want. Hope it goes well.