ffs I just want to scream.

[dollparts]

I need to vent, so please bear with me whilst I get this out.

I'm divorced and have been seeing a man for a year now. He has a high pressured job and commits a lot of time to it. Fair enough-you earn big money, no one will give to you for free.

When we first started out he was a lot more forthcoming about what he wanted in life, spoke a little (not a whole lot) about his feelings and lead me to believe that there was a really good chance that we would build a future together if that was what we both wanted.

As the months went on, I found the situation becoming more and more strange. It panned out we were only meeting one day a week-fine, I'm busy too. I just noticed that everything was on his terms. Example, if a football game was on he would cut the day short to watch it at home, washing and ironing on a Sunday so no chance then. He's in bed by 9 every night and is so regimental about everything.

Before anyone suggests, he's NOT cheating or anything like that. He calls regularly, chats on msn with me whenever he's at home. I just think he's a loner, and doesn't need the affection and physical contact I do. We don't always have sex when we see each other, it all depends on whether we have time depending on what's happening on the day etc etc.

We didn't meet this weekend, he says he's feeling down and wants to rest at home. I rushed around all morning yesterday so I could spend the day guilt free, knowing everything was done. Then he called and said he wanted to stay at home.

He's a good person in the humane respect ie; generous, funny and we get along so well.

I just want more, and I am afraid to tell him because I would feel destroyed if he simply told me he couldn't give it to me. In my minds eye I know I am not strong enough to deal with the truth.

I'm going out of my mind, I'm so down about this. I feel out of control but it leads to frustration.

I cannot work him out. This is a very clear example of the curves he throws me:

He has said in the past that he prefers to sleep alone, hence why he always prefers to go home each time we meet. I would love to spend the night with him, feel close to him and just do normal things that couples do.

But out of the blue he asks me to look up flights and hotels so we can go to New york for a short break!

For god sake can someone please try and fathom this for me, I could quite honestly cry with frustration.

Life with a person with Aspergers is not easy, as someone already said, it is not why he does what he does but whether you can live with it or not.

I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried.

I do see exactly what you mean ChippinIn and thanks for the reminder that I need to consider my own feelings and needs in this.

Of course, the AS thing is merely a possibility but the signs are too strong to ignore and I would feel like a shitbag for not considering his behaviour as being a consequence of having AS.

What I am sure about is that he is dear to me and I adore him, whatever his condition. He's quirky, strange and downright impossible to figure out but if it ever turned out that he did have AS I would run a mile but only in his direction.

I can deal with any situation, just as long as I know what that situation is.

There is then the question of how I would raise the topic with him. On top of having the talk with him anyway, I wonder how the hell I would approach the subject but do they go hand in hand or two separate things altogether?

BTW, he was fine on the phone yesterday, we spoke a few times last night and he was really enthusiastic about next weekend and is planning a BBQ etc.

dollparts - see that's exactly what I mean - this is what you wrote in your OP...

'I just want more, and I am afraid to tell him because I would feel destroyed if he simply told me he couldn't give it to me.'

Either you are OK with how things are/how he is or you aren't, I really don't see how 'the talk' is going to help, you aren't asking him to do more around the house - you are wanting him to be something he isn't...

If he has ASP, this really is likely to be who & how he is - this was making you unhappy. Now you are saying if he has ASP you will run to him, not from him. All that has changed is that now you know what causes the behaviour that was making you want to scream - it isn't going to change his behaviour. You can't 'save' him, which sadly, is how your last post comes across (to me at least).

Sorry to sound harsh.

ChippinIn, not harsh at all. this was the very reason I posted this in the first place-to get balanced opinions from entirely subjective viewpoints.

You are right though, I have been caught red-handed about to accept the very thing that was making me unhappy.

But I do need to have that talk with him, I feel I owe it to myself to lay bear my feelings and see what the response is.

I think I also meant something else in what I said in my last post-If it is AS making him that way then it would be easier to deal with and I can take it into consideration. Just knowing it was the way he was and not him simply being selfish and distant etc would be easier to deal with.

I think I need to know he cares about me, and if he is not able to show it in the obvious sense I need to decide whether I can live with the less obvious signs. And dare I say the physical attraction is immense, though I have probably just cheapened this whole tread by throwing that in

and just for the record, I am aware of my mistakes with homophones, but this forum system does not allow you to edit once you have posted!

Glad to see you weren't offended by my post and it gave you food for thought. Was worried I could have made things worse for you.

Please feel free to contact me if you want to know anything and feel I may be able to help at: wedgiesmum at aol dot com

FWIW DH tells me everyday he loves me, but is not always able to give more than a peck on the cheek. But that doesn't mean he is always distant, it's just some of the time. And yes, it can be very inconvenient or upsetting when he is like that but the upsides for me are that he is loyal, truthful, totally committed to us as a family, and when we are physical there is no doubt in my mind how much he loves me. He always misses us deperately if he or I am away with the kids and only really settles once we are all back home, and is pleased to see us at the end of the day too. It's just he finds the whole being in the same place with us all difficult to handle for long periods.

As other posters have said it is all about what YOU want from a relationship with him and whether he can give enough of that to make you happy, and if he can't then both of you will be unhappy.

Thanks for that wedgiesmum, It's good to hear that you have worked out ways to compromise whilst ensuring you are both happy.

We have only talked about love once really, just in general in the early stage. I asked him if he had ever been in love. He replied that he was not sure what love was-at that time I was not in love with him so it didn't mean much to me. I just assumed at the time that he obviously had never felt like he had been.

In light of what I have disclosed here, it will probably seem strange that I did in fact tell him I loved him only about 4 weeks ago. We were laying in bed and I remember never feeling as close to him before as I did at that moment. He was talking about people at work thinking he was crazy because he had said he wanted to semi retire in a few years and escape the rat race. He is wealthy although not motivated by money-colleagues clearly are so they couldn't understand why he would sacrifice the potential to earn so much more. He said I was the only person that understood why he had made that decision.

It was then I blurted it it out.....his reply? "Thanks", and a cuddle. It was at that point I remembered he what he said all those months ago-maybe he indeed has no concept of this.

dollparts - it sounds as though you are thinking things through quite well.

wedgiesmum is very wise & helpful I admire her greatly, she has a much more understanding attitude than I do I think. One thing to bear in mind though, not all people with Asp are 'the same', so it might not be possible to have as good a relationship with MrHOT as wedgiesmum does with her DH. On the other hand he might not have ASP, he might just be behaving like a prat , all I'm saying is, it's good that you are now going into this with your eyes wide open!!

(There's nothing wrong with being physically attracted to him, in fact, it's a bloody good thing! Consider thread not cheapened!)

Oh thanks for the note of approval ChippingIn

Just to update, it looks like my weekend 'summit' may be here sooner than expected. He has a day off work tomorrow and will be coming over. I haven't the whole day to spare as I will be working from home but if I move my arse tonight I can at least have my mind clear and think about what I want to say to him.

Btw, in addition to the NYC trip he has also asked me to go to Paris on Eurostar in June. Only a quick visit overnight but I've not done Eurostar before so I am looking forward to it.

This is the part that makes me feel sad tbh, he does have a big heart-he is just odd sometimes in the way he shows it at times.

Good Luck for today - let us know how it went when he goes!! (IF he goes )

Bastard work!!!

I was called to an emergency meeting-no miracle could have gotten me out of attending so have had to put him off v grrr.

Only just got home and am now buzzing around the house with all this surplus emotion and place to channel it!

Had given it a lot of thought since the weekend and knew just how I was going to approach it.

Will have to wait until Sunday now after all.

OH bollocks!!

I suppose, at least you are prepared for Sunday now!!

What have you got planned for Saturday?