Want him back now...what's happening to me?

[SpiritualKnot]

Started hijacking another thread, so thought I'd better start one about this coz I don't understand what's going on with my head.

Have others experienced this, is it normal? DH left me about 3 weeks ago, married 19 years, best friend died in January, he was v upset. Knew he was traumatised and helped and sympathised as well as I could. He left saying he needed space, there was no-one else, but he had been tired of our relationship for over a year as we led seperate lives and this thing with his best friend dying, made him re-evaluate his life and he realised he wanted to split up and start again. It would be best for me as well.

When I was due to see the solicitor and said I couldn't think of a concrete reason for divorce that would satisfy the soliciotr he admitted he had another woman,Then a few days later he admitted it had been going on for 3 months, ie since his mate died.

Well, then I hated him, hated hated hated!! He was awful to live with anyway, always drinking, always playing LOUD music. Sex was not nice with him, always trying to have bum sex (I know some like it on here, but I'm not one of them) and normal sex was like nearly rape sometimes. But I know that I don't enjoy any sex with him, gentle or otherwise and he's tried for years to make it right for me and gave up latterly I think.

For the past week, I've been crying all the time wanting him back. I've told him that and at the same time told him I know we're not compatible and that we can't stay married.Told him I love him and that he has hurt me so much. He has cried about this with me.

I have to move on. I'm doing what I can, joined a gym, looking physically better. He's younger than me and very good looking. I look at other men and feel I just couldn't ever fancy anyone, especially an older man, which is what I feel I should go for next time.

He says he looks at me and the house and how much better I'm doing without him and he knows it's the right thing for us both. He's not a cruel man, we've never been compatible sexually and we should never have married in the first place just based on that alone. I got pregnant and it all happened so fast,we felt we had to marry, we did well to last the 19 years.

Why can't I stop crying and crying now, wanting him back. Even the solicitor said he could tell I
wanted him back and I said yes, but if I do I'll be back in the solicitor's office in 10 years time, wanting a divorce then instead.

Is it normal to be like this? Should I see a sex therapist? I'm speaking with a relate counsellor on Monday for the first time, on my own.

Anyone have any idea of what the outcome of all this is likely to be? Please let me know.

Thnk you

SK

its not possible to break cleanly when you have so much shared history / years / children.

dont expect to be over it in 5 minutes, give yourself time, and accept this 'wanting him back' as part of the process.

who says you wont meet another, more compatible good looking man?

perhaps you just want what you cant have, or are grieving for the relationship you never had.

I have a theory that we intertwine ourselves with our partners very deeply. I think we come to know the world through our dearest partners, and that that is part of what "love" is. I know it sounds like mad, hippy rubbish, but I think we're psychically constructed to do it.

I think we get close to people and sort of wind the way we think about the world through what we construct of how they see the world, and so how we "know" things is wound through people we're close to.

I don't think it's all about co-dependency - there are up-sides to doing this.

That said, I'm sure some people manage not to.

But I think lots of us do, and that's one of the reasons it is so intensely shocking when couples come asunder.

I'm guessing you're wobbling. It's no surprise. It's a shock. Even if my weird theory is wrong, you've spent years with this person. They've been an intimate part of your reality.

Have you done the tried and tested "list": positives on one side, negatives on the other? Not being trivial, but it might help you re-focus. and start, strongly, imaging what you want your life to be like now. Think of all the things you would like, and start moving towards them.

I'm sure you're not the first woman to have wobbled. But you're earlier self (months/weeks ago) gave this serious thought, so don't give up on yourself yet.

It doesn't matter how good looking he is...sex was no good anyway...you will find someone else when the time is right,they don't have to be older..he might be younger who knows?

You are feeling the loss,it's natural,even though you don't really want him

No, you shouldnt see a sex therapist. If someone doesnt respect your boundaries and sex was nearly like rape its not surprising you didnt like sex with him.
In my experience other behaviours go hand in hand with men who feel they have rights to your body regardless of how you feel about it.

Three weeks is hardly anything , its likeley your still in shock .I spent the first year an emotional wreck. Realisticly it took me at least 18 months to start properly recovering and even now i have the occasional wobble. Its not for him though, its for a marriage that wasnt.

Cry all you want to , be kind to yourself, expect to start feeling angry too. Its shit, and it takes time but youll be ok, in fact youll be better than ok without someone showing you a complete lack of respect by keep trying to have bumsex with you.

And i second what Animula said, try a list of positives and negatives, its likeley he wasnt as fab as your now thinking.For a start hes a liar, a sexual bully and a cheat and i assume he was a bully in other ways too.. Surround yourself with understanding freinds and post here if you need to, it really is like a bereavement. Dont be surprised either if he comes running back when his new woman boots him.

Thank you for you lovely replies. I will try the positive/negative list when I feel a bit more balanced, hopefully later today. Go through patches of feeling ok. Is it doing the poitives and negatives of him, the relationship or the separation? Or all three?

On an aside, just tried now to go to church with my daughter, take her every week. He went in on Friday and told them about our separation. Just got there and came straight back home again as got upset. Can't seem to go places where people know. He shouldn't have told them until I was ready. Daughter was upset as I was upset and so didn't get to go either as she didn't want to go.

We've planned that next week I'll drop her off there and pick her up afterwards if I still can't go. I'm not even that religious, he wanted his kids to attend church so I take my daughter each week as he works shifts, though he still doesn't go often when he is off work. He's supposed to be the religious one in our relationship, but seems to feel that if his wife goes that's good enough.

SK

I read a bit of your original thread the other day and i thought immediately the was ow and i am so sorry for you. The fact that he has already said you are doing better without him and has announced it at church means he is determined to move on and trying to force you at his pace. You are right when you say he shouldn't have told people until you were ready but in all honestly these actions show him for what he really is - did he not think of the affect on his dd when everyone knew at church let alone you.

I am not sure you need a sex therapist, there is nothing wrong with you that love and consideration could not heal. Do not waste your energy on trying to mend something that is not broken. If you think counselling may help give it a spin, having an outlet to talk and grieve and let go of some of the emotion can only be a good thing. Please remember that you have been wronged, no matter how incompatable you were or have become over the years it is no excuse for bad behaviour - he can cry all he likes but this level of carnage was avoidable, as hard as it is, it could have been kinder and telling all in sundry (i wondered if he mentioned he was cheating on you to the priest??)is unkind.

You are suffering a great shock, even if you had planned all this yourself it would still be dreadful and to have this forced on you is intolerable so be kind to yourself.

Do YOU want to take her to church every week ? Does she want to go ? If not, dont, if hes so keen he can take her himself, you are no longer obliged to carry out his wishes. And hes a twat for going in and telling them.
On the other hand if you enjoy going it might be a valuble form of support for you at this time.

Not surprised you got upset , i went through a stage for about 6 months where if someone showed me even the slightest bit of kindness i would dissolve into tears. Have you made some arrangements for him to have the dcs ? Maintenance ect ?

I made my list based on HIM, his charecter, things he had done over the years, the way he had treated others and us, factual information about events and conversations. It was surprising because at the time i was at the boo hoo i miss him stage, he was a good father ect. After half an A4 page of NORMAL qualities , and 4 pages of horrible qualitys i began to think differantly. In fact he wasnt a good father at all and were better off without him.

You can start yours of with ---

A cheat
Sexual bully
Perv
Doesnt respect your boundaries
Left you on your own with the dcs
Has not bothered taking daughter to church
Has embarressed you / daughter at church
Claims to be religious when he isnt
Plays loud music
Drinks too much
Tells lies
Has made you question whether you should see a sex therapist..
Hes unkind and cruel,

On and on it goes.I added persistant farting and belching, lazyness , anything i could think of, it didnt read well and really helped .If you read just the above on a dating site profile youd run a mile.

Seen him today, we had to go together to view our rental property which we need to re-let. It's in negative equity so solicitor advised to carry on with it for now.

He had a long blonde hair hanging from his beard-I grabbed it and said oh so she's a blonde then. He said he'd had a shower so was surprised it was there, so he must have hugged her as he was leaving, which means he spent the night with her, how awful.

We're not going to get back together, it's not going to happen. Will continue to cry, and have told him to expect jealousy and questions but to let me go through it and it'll be okay in the end. Has to be for the kids as well as for me.

Just joined an online dating thing, came up with 7 matches, all in the USA. I'm in the UK, so distance could be a slight problem, but not wanting anything intense at this time obviously.

Still haven't done the list but will, thank you for the guidelines, know what to do now. Bought the book "Why does he do that?" last week and have found it very useful, dh doesn't seem as extreme an abuser as those in the book, though there are similarties and it brings comfort to know others have been through similar things.

SK

I agree with all the other responses on your thread

I am confused though, why you feel the need to put yourself "back on the market" as it were, by going on dating sites

It is perceived MN wisdom that a break from men would be in order for you at the moment

You are very vulnerable, and the last thing you need just now is some dickhead twunt of a new man messing your head (again)

Hi AF, (By the way, my daughter saw your name the other night when I was on here and was shocked!Whoops!Closed the screen down very quickly!)

I don't know really, just feel I should be getting on with things. Also, trying to get dh out of my head and thought online dating might be an option. Not good really as am not 100% stable at present, would be in no fit state to meet up with anyone.

How long does it normally take for people to start dating after a break up?

Actually,I remember being dumped years and years ago by a man I was seeing, dumped me coz he was getting married (!) No. I didn't know abpout that other woman either! I waited one year to the day of his wedding and grabbed another man on that day, who I dated for 6 months!

I also feel that for the kids I should try and start to feel better about myself quickly. I like it that my ex dh comes round to see them, but I find I almost look forward to it and am trying to distract myself?

SK

SK

You dont need a man to start to feel better about yourself, that way disaster lies ! Dont depend on others to make yourself feel better.
Im happily single after getting shot of arsehole quite a long time ago and only someone really special will change that.

I cant be arsed with random dating , Really cant imagine myself arsing around cooking for some fat get or debating whether to sleep with him or not ect. Ive changed a lot since my divorce , id never put up with crap ever again and im much more clear about the sort of person id eventually like to meet. In fact i dont think id be arsed if i remained single all my life, and bollocks to this idea that your inadequate unless youve got a man. Its fab !

Perhaps spend some time to get to know yourself again, think about who you were before you got married. Get some freinds round for a boozy night !

sk, replacing one twunt of a man with a twat is really not a good idea

and I would think your state of mind would not be very efficient at sorting out the twats from the twunts, tbh

I would leave it several months at least

why do you need a man to validate you ?

isn't this why you are in the pickle you are in now ?

Here's my good and bad lists, copied the first lot from you, dignified, hope that's ok.

Bad
A cheat
Sexual bully
Perv
Doesn?t respect your boundaries
Left you on your own with the dcs
Has not bothered taking daughter to church
Has embarrassed you / daughter at church
Claims to be religious when he isn?t
Plays loud music
Drinks too much
Tells lies
Has made you question whether you should see a sex therapist..
He?s unkind and cruel,
Hates holidays
Bad tempered
Unpredictable
Criticises most things I wear
Criticises my age
Criticises my hair
Criticises my weight
Ctiticises my lifestyle
Talks about wanting younger woman
Says lead separate lives but won?t come on outings together
Only takes interest in what I say if he wants sex
Hours texting people
Hours on phone
Tight with money
Embarassing on holidays as he thinks we should all behave perfectly, whilst he ends up getting drunk
Won't fly anywhere

Good
Good father
Can be very loving
Very astute about other people
Very helpful towards other people that need help and support
Knows what makes me tick
Open to new ideas (bar holidays)
Good cook
Funny
Hard worker
Lovely on phone
Gorgeous
Spontaneous
Compliments me++ when he thinks I look great
Thinks I'm funny, charming and beautiful when we go out

I can see that these things are not going to get better, I'm going to get older and so the criticims are just going to increase, resulting him wanting a younger woamn more and more, so he'd end up leaving me anyway. This woman he has now is the same age as I was when he got married, ie 29. No competition really.

SK

Thanks for the comments about other men. I'm glad I'm going to Relate tomorrow, hopefully, she'll give me the same message and I'll be able to stop these thoughts.

I'm lucky that I have got a good job and can manage my finances.

SK

Well done with the list, but can i just point out, if he said ANY of these things in earshot of your dcs then hes not a good dad at all. When you feel wobbly it might be worth challenging some of the positives on your list, ie, he was a good dad, in what way ?
Youve listed the occasional compliment as a positive , whereas he shouldve never ever have criticized you in the first place.So he criticizes privateley but compliments you in public. Add manipulative to your list too. And Who the fuck is he to criticize you hair, weight , age ect ?

Bet hes no oil painting !

Ah i didnt spot that, definateley add the beard ! You need to add every single negative from nose picking to driving habits . Mine used to show me his arsehole on a regular basis !

Dittany. Yeah, a long blonde, straight hair..grrr.

Dignified. He rarely says really nasty things to me in front of my kids, but did a few years ago on holiday. I went to bed out of his way and just thought "die die die die die" (about him, not about me).

But I think he has been nastier to me in the last few months, probably coz he was seeing this girl, it made me keep out of his way, which consequently supported his desire to leave me: "you never talk to me, you're always on the computer, you don't eat with me" etc

SK

Unfortunately, I love the beard, he didn't have it when we were together.

I've told him if he wants me to stop feeling jealous, he has to shave it off. Now as long as he keeps it, I know he's trying to keep me jealous and I like that as I can then see what a wanker he really is

Sorry, but you're making me laugh now.

SK

I appreciate your help sooo much.

I hadn't realised until just now that that is why I keep complimenting his beard, telling him to remove it to kind of help me move on.

His keeping it, shows he is a git.

Feel good that I actually had an ulterior motive!!

SK

I kid you not about his arsehole. He was fat and his arse would get sore, he would regularly apply cream to it and then spread his cheeks to ask me if it looked any better.
And to think i was once jealous of his new girlfreind, now she gets to admire his arsehole and wake up in the morning stinking of his farts ( shudder )

Come on op, yours must have similar disgusting habits. List them and laugh. Is he a fart sniffer ? A feet picker, a crow roller / flicker ?

And dont tell him your jealous !

dignified, I have just remebered your old threads !

don't worry, am not stalking them

but you made me laugh so much back then, I really admire your black sense of humour ...

Dignified that's awful. Dh used to go on about his piles sometimes which was awful, nice to know he won't be able to do that for a while with his new girl and will have to suffer in silence!

I can say that in 19 years of marriage my husband never farted in front of me or around me..ever! Actually had very few bad habits. Only saw him pick his nose a few times and disguised it into a scratch. But when he gets ill he becomes a total hypochondriac which is a total pain.

He did have a complex about his penis though, he always felt it was on the small size and I had to feed his ego about that on numerous occasions. Also his premature ejaculation problem, though he found some pills which helped...went on for bloody ages, frigging awful. Think he was pleased with the results, it was shortly after he'd found those, that he started the affair I think.

SK

(Still chuckling at your last post by the way, dignified!)

SK