Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Want him back now...what's happening to me?

72 replies

SpiritualKnot · 17/04/2010 23:26

Started hijacking another thread, so thought I'd better start one about this coz I don't understand what's going on with my head.

Have others experienced this, is it normal? DH left me about 3 weeks ago, married 19 years, best friend died in January, he was v upset. Knew he was traumatised and helped and sympathised as well as I could. He left saying he needed space, there was no-one else, but he had been tired of our relationship for over a year as we led seperate lives and this thing with his best friend dying, made him re-evaluate his life and he realised he wanted to split up and start again. It would be best for me as well.

When I was due to see the solicitor and said I couldn't think of a concrete reason for divorce that would satisfy the soliciotr he admitted he had another woman,Then a few days later he admitted it had been going on for 3 months, ie since his mate died.

Well, then I hated him, hated hated hated!! He was awful to live with anyway, always drinking, always playing LOUD music. Sex was not nice with him, always trying to have bum sex (I know some like it on here, but I'm not one of them) and normal sex was like nearly rape sometimes. But I know that I don't enjoy any sex with him, gentle or otherwise and he's tried for years to make it right for me and gave up latterly I think.

For the past week, I've been crying all the time wanting him back. I've told him that and at the same time told him I know we're not compatible and that we can't stay married.Told him I love him and that he has hurt me so much. He has cried about this with me.

I have to move on. I'm doing what I can, joined a gym, looking physically better. He's younger than me and very good looking. I look at other men and feel I just couldn't ever fancy anyone, especially an older man, which is what I feel I should go for next time.

He says he looks at me and the house and how much better I'm doing without him and he knows it's the right thing for us both. He's not a cruel man, we've never been compatible sexually and we should never have married in the first place just based on that alone. I got pregnant and it all happened so fast,we felt we had to marry, we did well to last the 19 years.

Why can't I stop crying and crying now, wanting him back. Even the solicitor said he could tell I
wanted him back and I said yes, but if I do I'll be back in the solicitor's office in 10 years time, wanting a divorce then instead.

Is it normal to be like this? Should I see a sex therapist? I'm speaking with a relate counsellor on Monday for the first time, on my own.

Anyone have any idea of what the outcome of all this is likely to be? Please let me know.

Thnk you

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 23:15

sk, I am glad to see you have some ammunition, should you ever need it < evil grin >

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 18/04/2010 23:16

Do you think I should add his small penis and premature ejaculation to the list of negatives about him?

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 23:17

of course

why the hell not ?

they count as doubles, surely ??

since when was a small penis and PE a positive ?

dignified · 18/04/2010 23:19

Hehe, i remember too. I was so cross i would rant incessantly about him and his foul habits, other posters thought i was joking but i was outraged at the time .I was once in tears ranting about his severe premature ejaculation ( he would come in his pants ) and other posters were replying with tee hee or rofl !
I didnt get much sympathy in real life either, the counseller i saw would regularly burst into laughter ( at him, not me ) and would apologise for being unproffesional.I was once ranting to her about his disgusting crow flicking and she couldnt speak for about 20 minuites throgh laughing while i sat sniffling and crying. Hehe. Bet she thought i was mad.

Is funny now but at the time i was furious !

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 18/04/2010 23:19

I must say in his case PE was a bit of a positive....but only in his case.

Oh dear, I'm getting a bit mean

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 18/04/2010 23:20

Dignified, got to ask, what is "crow flicking"

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 23:22

dignified...am sorry but I am smirking again

I think it is your turn of phrase !

I think you mustn't have lost that dark drollness, even in the midst of such bad times !

dignified · 18/04/2010 23:31

Sk you are far too nice, small nob and pe was at the top of my list. My exh nob was so small i sometimes couldnt find it. Imagine this scene, im lying in bed watching telly, fatso walks in and stands in front of the telly apearing to be fiddling with his zip.
I groaned thinking he was going to undo his pants to show me his arsehole as per usual, but no, hes actually got his nob out, holding it between his thumb and forefinger waving it at me in an attempt to be seductive. And i didnt even notice !

AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 23:33

< smothered giggle >

dignified · 18/04/2010 23:37

Crow flicking is where they pick their nose and find a crow. They then roll it into a ball between their fingers and flick the offending object.
It always makes an audiable noise no matter where it lands, even if theyre hiding behind a newspaper .

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 18/04/2010 23:38

Oh Dignified, I can see some silmilarities here. That kind of thing was my dh's idea of turning me on. Thanks for reminding me, it strengthens my resolve.

Going to get a G&T, need to block it out a bit!

OP posts:

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 18/04/2010 23:39

Dignified , sorry, I was referring to the penis waving there. So that's what crow flicking is, how pleasant!

Going to get that drink now.

OP posts:

dignified · 18/04/2010 23:46

Yes i think i need one too after recalling that , its left me with some quite unpleasant triggers , i cannot bear it when people pull their tongues out as it reminds me of his piles.

AnyFucker · 18/04/2010 23:48

< groooooan >

dignified · 18/04/2010 23:50

All piss taking aside, how are you feeling tonight op ? Sounds like youve done really well the last few weeks.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 19/04/2010 00:03

Bit better now. I've been signed off work for 2 weeks. Went into work for first week or so and then sudenly felt completely indifferent to everything. My boss has been very good, she got divorced a few years ago, her husband went off with other woman, very similar to my on events and she cried when we talked about my recent events as it was painful for her as well.

Have had my hair permed, getting some work done round the house and getting a new conservatory, as recomended by my solicitor! Currently considering getting eye laser treatment and teeth sorted. They're fine but could be whiter I think.

Funny but I don't feel at all depressed or suicidal or anything like that and I've had some depression in the past. Feel that I know it's the right thing and we've got to get divorced, that's just what has to be done, but don't understand why I feel I want him back. Love seeing him and him coming round, but only coz I know he's going again and not stopping. We talk now when we see each other, we haven't really chatted amiably, unless he wanted sex, for about a year. would be quite nice if she got all the shit from him and I got the nice bits!

OP posts:

dignified · 19/04/2010 00:19

I think its completeley normal, i get a twinge of it even now after all this time. But its not for him, its for what should have been . Like you, we met when very young , and i dont think we shouldve got married. I hadnt dated much and had no idea who i was, let alone what sort of person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

We were incompatible in loads of ways and neither of us got our needs met, we were both miserable really. Hopefully you,ll be able to develop a differant relationship with him and effectiveley co parent together.He might make a better freind than husband.

It all seems shit now , but give yourself time , you sound like your doing really well and maintaining your dignity. Id have been a complete loon in your position, im envious of your calm composed manner.

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 19/04/2010 00:34

Thanks for that. I am grieving for what should have been rather than for him. Even on our wedding day I wondered if it was the right thing as I knew sexually we weren't compatable.I even spent our honeymoon dreading sex.

When I met him I was seeing a guy who was somehow just fantastic sexually but who wasn't that much into sex. I was actually worried I was some sort of sex maniac when I met my dh, but after only a few times with him I had gone off it a bit.

He has had to put up with me and my low sex drive for years, so I am jealous of anyone who is compatible with him in that way. His girlfriend before me used to come after he had just penetrated her as she found him such a turn on. So I think there was a definite incompatablity between us and he can't keep trying with me forever.

That saddens me so much.

OP posts:

dittany · 19/04/2010 00:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dignified · 19/04/2010 00:54

Sk, your " low " sex drive might not be low at all, rather just the simple fact you do not like sex with a man who doesnt respect your boundaries or who doesnt treat you with respect. Thats not your fault in any way at all.

Presumably youve told him in the past what you like / dont like, what aproach works and what doesnt. If he chose to continue to the point you simply didnt want to be near him that is his responsibility not yours. You deserve to be treated with respect, not have your body used for someone elses enjoyment.

It is sad all round, you should feel sad, but dont take responsibility for things that are not your fault.
And he hasnt had to put up with you, hes been very very lucky to have you, and very foolish to behave as he has.

I would take the comments about the ex girlfreind with a pinch of salt too, having sex with a man who has a bad attitude and pe isnt an orgasming experience is it, we both know that.

AnyFucker · 19/04/2010 08:02

his ex-gf was certainly a good liar...

Original poster

SpiritualKnot · 20/04/2010 09:28

Quick update: He came around yesterday and had yet another long blonde hair on him, this time on his jacket...poor girl seems to be losing her hair

Discovered at least one bonus anyway, just filled in son's form for Uni and now as a seperated parent, I will be better off as I don't need to contribute. If I'd had to combine salaries, I would have had to help out, as "obviously" dh wouldn't have contributed anything.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/04/2010 09:36

every cloud...

muddychipmunk · 20/04/2010 11:26

SpiritualKnot

Just to say that I hope you're being kind to yourself during your time off work. It is sad breaking up with someone who you've shared so much with but at the same time, he's not the same person now - grieve for who he used to be and what you believed you had rather than the man who turns up covered in long blonde hairs. It'll take time to get back on your feet but trust that you can do it; you certainly don't need to put yourself down or accept more responsibility for the end of the relationship than is fair. Would you let a sister or friend get away with beating themselves up cos sex with this man wasn't great? That's not an excuse for his behaviour or probably even true! Be as kind to yourself as you would be to someone who you love...

dignified · 20/04/2010 16:23

How are your children coping with this sk ?

Flip

1 2 3