Want him back now...what's happening to me?

[SpiritualKnot]

Started hijacking another thread, so thought I'd better start one about this coz I don't understand what's going on with my head.

Have others experienced this, is it normal? DH left me about 3 weeks ago, married 19 years, best friend died in January, he was v upset. Knew he was traumatised and helped and sympathised as well as I could. He left saying he needed space, there was no-one else, but he had been tired of our relationship for over a year as we led seperate lives and this thing with his best friend dying, made him re-evaluate his life and he realised he wanted to split up and start again. It would be best for me as well.

When I was due to see the solicitor and said I couldn't think of a concrete reason for divorce that would satisfy the soliciotr he admitted he had another woman,Then a few days later he admitted it had been going on for 3 months, ie since his mate died.

Well, then I hated him, hated hated hated!! He was awful to live with anyway, always drinking, always playing LOUD music. Sex was not nice with him, always trying to have bum sex (I know some like it on here, but I'm not one of them) and normal sex was like nearly rape sometimes. But I know that I don't enjoy any sex with him, gentle or otherwise and he's tried for years to make it right for me and gave up latterly I think.

For the past week, I've been crying all the time wanting him back. I've told him that and at the same time told him I know we're not compatible and that we can't stay married.Told him I love him and that he has hurt me so much. He has cried about this with me.

I have to move on. I'm doing what I can, joined a gym, looking physically better. He's younger than me and very good looking. I look at other men and feel I just couldn't ever fancy anyone, especially an older man, which is what I feel I should go for next time.

He says he looks at me and the house and how much better I'm doing without him and he knows it's the right thing for us both. He's not a cruel man, we've never been compatible sexually and we should never have married in the first place just based on that alone. I got pregnant and it all happened so fast,we felt we had to marry, we did well to last the 19 years.

Why can't I stop crying and crying now, wanting him back. Even the solicitor said he could tell I
wanted him back and I said yes, but if I do I'll be back in the solicitor's office in 10 years time, wanting a divorce then instead.

Is it normal to be like this? Should I see a sex therapist? I'm speaking with a relate counsellor on Monday for the first time, on my own.

Anyone have any idea of what the outcome of all this is likely to be? Please let me know.

Thnk you

SK

Thanks muddy,

Am trying to take care of myself, going to the gym and aerobics.Someone at work has sent me a pamper voucher for a spa that she was given as a present and won't be using.

Was going to go to a "jive dance" thing tonight, tried it before, a few times, lessons for the first 2 hours and then freestyle, (always left before the freestyle though), dh would obviously never come, I stopped going after the first few times, but was ok going on my own. But don't want to go now. some girls at work sometimes go, but don't want to contact them, don't know them v well and don't want them, or me, to feel obliged to go tonight.Is it too soon anyway to be going out dancing?

Hi Dignified,

Daughter misses him like mad, son seems ok.Daughter has always been a real daddy's girl, so it's hard for her. She probably thinks we'll get back together, though he has told her we won't be. We're getting divorced in June after ds has done his exams, don't want to cause any further disruption to the kids' lives until the exams are out of the way.

SK

Hi sk, Sorry to hear your daughters finding it hard. How do you feel about waiting till june to divorce ? Fwiw its only a case of signing documents and preparing paperwork, this wont impact your son in any way should you decide to do it earlier.

In the meantime , still seek advice re finances ect and protect yourself,unfortunateley i didnt and got screwed over in a way that would make your toes curl. And its not too soon to go out dancing , i envy you, ive got two left feet !

I just felt that June was better as I may get upset once the whole divorce thing starts? Not sure. Rang the solicitor yesterday (for letter for student form to state was seperated) and her letter says we are seperated and she is preparing the paperwork for the divorce.

Would it be better to do it now? I s'pose if we do things now, we have to wait weeks for it to go through and then it might be June anyway?

I know I need to put the mortgage in my name, but am not sure whether to do that now or after the divorce. Am going to give him a lump sum for deposit on a house. Also need to organise all our insurance stuff as it's all in both our names at present. So much to do, he's just sitting on his arse, not having to do anything as everything comes out of my account.

SK

...so will be increasing my mortgage by £20,000 for him by the way, can just about make the extra monthly mortgage repayment amount but tight...he doesn't think it's very much by the way, but then he wouldn't. I think £20,000 for a deposit is quite reasonable myself. He's on a pretty good salary.

I actually think he's waiting for the divorce before he can move his girlfriend into his flat as well (she lives at home). That has no bearing on my reason for waiting, but does pee me off a little that he's pleading poverty, coz he knows that in a few months time, there'll probably be 2 salaries going into his new home.

SK

A divorce can take up to a year sk, mines took nearly 18 months and its not over yet. How have you decided re the 20,000 for a deposit for him? Have you discussed this with your soliciter ?

You need to think things through very carefully, do you really want to increase your mortgage, considering youve only one wage coming in now, to fund his deposit for him and his tart ? What if interests rates go up ect ? Id tell him to fuck off and he can speak to your lawyer , who considering your dependant children, would possibly agree that the house is sold when your youngest reaches 18, and he receives a share then.

I would do nothing until your divorce is well under way, finances are dealt with in time with carefull consideration and advice. At the moment you are emotional and likeley to still be in a state of shock. Fwiw i was so desperate to get it over with i actually offered him the house ( worth 250,000 ), everything in it and all our savings.

Goes without saying im glad it didnt happen, but expect your feelings to change dramaticly over the next few months. And yes he will be waiting for the divorce so he can move his girlfreind in, as the fact theres 2 incomes makes a differance.

Are you happy with your soliciter ? Please dont agree to any remortgages or anything else without detailed legal advice. How did relate go ?

I know it sounds awful, and i was warned but failed to listen to my own depriment , but you must cancel joint accounts ect and ensure he doesnt have access to the familys savings.

The harsh fact is that you are no longer his priority and you would be surprised how low some men will stoop in a divorce. I would seriously start divorce proceedings now, it will take months and months anyway, financial issues will be discussed between soliciters , and if at any time you are overwhelmed you can slow things down. I stupidly waited, and ive paid dearly.

Solicitor thought £20,000 was okay + he pays maintenance for daughter of £75 a week. I might not want to stay in this house till daughter is 18, quite a lot of equity in this house, so I'll certainly be ok if I do sell.

Don't want him on the mortgage as I'm getting a conservatory and would hate the value of the house to go up as a result and for him to benefit from that.

Only moved to round here in the first place coz of dh and might find it easier to move to a smaller house at some point. Chances of dh helping with son at Uni are remote. The £75 is what I worked out from the CSA site and he won't increase it when his salary goes up, so don't know how to get round that.

He is so tight.

Went to the dancing tonight and couldn't believe I nearly started crying when I couldn't do some of the steps! That is so not like me, made me realise I've got a looong way to go. 2 colleagues from my work were there, both divorced, both their husbands went off with other men, so they were empathetic and pleased that I'd gone.

Relate was just an initial interview, saying what had happened and being put on a waiting list for counselling. Went ok, got a bit upset but only on 4 occasions and quite briefly. Seeing the counsellr ay work tomorrow, that'll be hard, because I keep crying ++ when I go anywhere near work.

SK

We don't have any joint savings. He has tried to ask for more money, but I just remind him he's keeping his precious pension (I've got my own) and that the solicitor thought I should consider trying to get some as his is very good.

He can stick it up his arse for all I care, but I am use that knowledge and remind him that I might need to look into it if he tries to get more.

SK

Again, im being very negative, but you dont THINK hes got any other savings. Until he provides financial disclosure you wont know anything. Also he only SAYS hes been seeing her for 3 months, you really dont know.

Mine syphoned off thousands without me noticing, he had a very clever plan and was extremeley devious , and considering you say hes tight i would offer nothing financially until you have all the relavant information. This comes way down the line in a divorce.Figures will change if theres two incomes into his household.

Im glad you went dancing, even if you got a bit upset. Going out will keep your mind off things, and being around freinds whove been through similar will remind you theres life after divorce. Have always fancied dancing but am horribly crap at it and too self conscious. Good on you.

He's been working with her for a year, so it could well be longer. Sex with me suddenly stopped 2 months before he left so maybe then he started having sex with her.

Because of his complex about his sexual problems, I would have thought he would have to get her real well emotionally before he started anything sexually. To ensure she was in deep enough not to be bothered about his problems.

I do have sayings so wouldn't really want to try and get any of his anyway. Didn't realise figures would change if he had 2 lots coming in. I've got his bank statemets and noticed here was some money going out of his bank to a savings account each month, but he assured me there wasn't much in it and said he was going to empty it anyway. Actually saw his end of year statement for the account and it was only a couple of hundred quid.

I say he's tight but when there is money he immediately spends it on cars and such like, so it's all gone. If he has this £20,000, I can see him spending £10K on a new car and putting the other £10K into a house and you can bet he'll get his new bird to put the same amount in as well. It's like he always has to be in a state of having no money.

SK

I wouldnt be too sure this new relationship will go very far to be honest. My ex thought hed found the love of his life , whereas to her it was just a bit of a laugh. He was gutted. Bummer.
She probably thought his pe was a reaction to her overwhelming sexiness , instead of him just being crap at it, but yes, i too was surprised that someone with such a complex would easily jump into bed with someone else.
And dont forget, he,ll take his pushy rape like sex with him, along with any other charecter defects he has. A single woman with no commitments to him might not be willing to put up with it in the long term. Im not being nasty or judgemental but id not have the patience for a man who cant control himself sexually, was like a fumbling teenage boy, in short it was horrible.

Also you might want to notify the banks and credit referance agencys that he no longer lives there, you dont want him racking up debts that you will be jointly liable for.

Yes, I thought his pe was due to my sexiness when we first had sex!

SK

Ofcourse he's got these tablets how that keep him going for ages (wasn't pleasant) so he's probably taking them, though he did say they made him feel strange, so he might not be taking them? He's a "bit" of a hypochondriac.

SK

Hehe yes, so was mine, and a whinger to boot. Mine once suggested tablets and i was horrified. I seriously dont know how anyone could date him for any period of time. In my defence , i was very young when we met, now im older theres no way id put up with pe, nor anyone groping me or treating me like a sex toy, its soul destroying.

Mine had a massive porn addiction too that i dont miss. Probably where he got the idea that i was a toy to be used for his pleasure. You deserve better .

Yeah, ny dh used to tell me that he saw on the internet how all women loved bum sex, he read loads about how to do it properly and bought dilators and things to use on me to help..it was all pretty gross!

I was pretty much indifferent to any interest in porn by him. Was brought up in a house full of lodgers, some were male and there used to be mags in their rooms, which I browsed through quite often, so got used to the idea of men and porn generally,....often used to wonder why the pages were sometimes stuck together though!

SK

That really doesnt sound nice at all sk. I still have a box containing literally thousands of porno films , various " toys ", magazines, videos ect. I want to get rid but im quite convinced that even if i bury them at the bottom of the bin , it will tip over displaying the contents to the whole street.

I used to be quite comfortable with porn, im not so sure now. Im sure it makes some men see women as just a body to use , and if you object, well, your just boring ect. I,ll never be pawed at, groped, sulked at or pressured into things or spoken to like a cheap tart ever again. Had my ex done half of that to a woman in the street hed be in prison now. And do you know, sometimes i think he should be.

Anyway, am seriously impressed by how youve handled yourself sk, what a fab example to your children.

Thank you Dignified, but I have broken down 2 times in front of my daughter, which I'm not proud of.

Dh rang me last night after I'd finished on here, sounded pretty drunk and we talked for about 45 minutes. He is really nice on the phone.Just chatting and laughing about everyday things. I've seen people at work have conversations with their partners in their "happy" relationships and been shocked at how they talk to each other.

I was so happy at the end of the chat, knowing that this same drunken man wasn't going to come to bed with me and try and shag me.

It struck me that this girl has got to know my sober dh, not the drunken one and I don't see how she'll put up with it, he wasn't like it when I met him, though there was a slight tendency to overdrink.But we were students, so it was the norm really.

He's not a horrible drunk,by any means, but I do remember at a party when we first started dating, everyone got drunk and was chilling out, quite tired, end of the party sort of mood and dh was still in a state of high activity, trying to be funny, chatting and chatting.

I agree, I don't think she'll put up with him, unless she's a similar drunk or incredibly besotted with him. Actually just remember, she has one drink and then passes out..seriously, happened at their work do and she says that's what often happens. I'm very intolerant myself, 2 gins and Im gone.

So, I might become one of his friends that he has long conversations on the phone with, used to cost me a fortune as obviously I apid the phone bills. Don't mind that.

I get upset as I strongly suspect that in reality I wouldn't be able to take him back anyway, however much I want to, coz it was all awful.

When I saw Relate I said that the saddest thing for me is not being able to go to work coz of my crying. Am crying now about it and I'm seeing the counsellor there in a few hours.

SK

Dont feel bad about getting upset in front of your daughter, its perfectly normal and not a bad thing to see a parent getting upset in whats a very upsetting situation. I still think your doing really well.

I spent about 6 months crying and feeling really vulnerable , then i got mad. Really mad, mostly about the horrible sexual stuff id put up with, i used to drive round in my car screaming and shouting as though he was in the car with me. I mustve looked like a complete loon, years and years of pent up frustration and rage came out, i had never felt such anger in my whole life .

Your greiving the end of your marriage and a big part of your life, and for all the things that should have been, both in the past and the future. Give it time and it gradually gets easier, until eventually it fades into eras , like school, uni, or when you used to work at a certain place.

I used to run a big bath and lie in it at night and sob and sob sometimes.Ive never been into journals but i started keeping a diary, just for me, and i used it to rant in , really helped actually.And i get what you mean about the releif of not having them try to shag you anymore !

Hi Dignified,

Sorry you went through such an awful time, that angry stage must have been dreadful for you, such pain.

I'm thinking about starting a diary as I went to the counsellor today and couldn't remember the dates of all the events. Thought it would help to write down my thoughts and feelings as well.

Dh took daughter out today and brought her back later. He was wearing a new cardy and new jeans so still spending money that he says he hasn't got on himself. Was pleased to see the cardy looked a size too small for him. He's not as dapper and trendy as he thinks he is.

Found the counselling session odd, just talked about what had happened and cried a bit. I said I felt so ashamed about everything, ashamed the marriage hadn't worked, ashamed that I hadn't managed to support dh through his bereavement and ashamed I wasn't able to work. She thought mybe this was the guilty stage of the process?

Had the painter in and he's done a lovely job of the kitchen, looks great. The conservatory people rang today and said they were coming on Monday to start the job (was meant to be 1st week in May), so am very pleased with that as I'm not in work next week.

Not sure if I imagined it, but the conservatory chap seemed surprisingly delighted to hear I'd be here, though he did add quickly that I'd be able to get them all cups of tea, think my imagination is running away with me there! No I'm not going to start any relationships but would be nice to feel attractive again.

Still up and down, feeling a bit obsessive today, wondering what dh's new girlfriend looks like and stuff. Hope it doesn't develop into the angry stage. I've worked in jobs before where married men chat up the single women and have affairs all the time and was asked out a lot. Just regarded them as total creeps. Felt if they had problems they should sort them out with their wife, not use me as a cure. Dickheads.

SK

Nothing wrong with a bit of flattery sk ! And as for his girlfreind, well, shes chosen a known liar and cheat hasnt she. Bet she wonders where he is half the time.

I often felt guilty, is normal, still feel a bit guilty even now occasionally, as i wasnt the best wife in the world, but then i think about him perving and letching and it soon disapears ! Is normal to have regrets.
What did you think of the counseller ?

The counsellor was v nice, but tended to wait and wait until I spoke without leading me anywhere, spose it was so I could guide the conversation to what I needed to talk about.

Just felt that if I'd told her he'd hit me on the head with a 100lb hammer, she would have nodded and possibly paraphrased that back to me.She was the work counsellor so they are probably more used to stress in the workplace than broken marriages?

I can see that probably the Relate counselling will be more useful for my feelings, but the work counselling will be good on a practical level, for getting me back to work as she's already suggested that when I'm ready, a phased return to work would be a possibility and she'll give me coping strategies in the workplace as well.

SK

Update: Just found out that Dh's new girlfriend has a 3 year old child in tow don't know if it's a boy or a girl. This would devestate my 10 year old daughter as she adores her dad and is his "baby".

He's gone a bit odd, has taken daughter to see his parents this weekend and first thing he did when he got in his car was put his headphones on to listen to his music on his MP3 player (no CD player in car). Daughter's face just dropped and I was really shocked.

Also, had bought tickets to see a show for me and dh next week

. He's obviously not coming now,so am going with a friend instead. `18 yr old son has to go out for a few hours on that night (from 8pm) daughter will be on her own during that time. Asked dh if he could come and sit in the house whilst only my daughter is there. He said it wasn't worth driving all that way just for an hour or two, (14 mile round trip) and that she'd be ok on her own.

A neighbour has kindly said she'll come and sit in the house, but am quite shocked at dh for not wanting to do it.

He adores our daughter so don't know what he's playing at?

SK