apparently it's not my decison whether i forgive the father of my baby

[1pregheadpumpkin]

long story really.

weeeeeeeeeell, im 18 and 19 weeks pregnant. im in my last term of year 13 and i live with my parents. also i have a part time job. this is where i met, what can only be described as my ex, and the father of the baby.
we got on very well, in all honesty we still do, he's my best friend (which i know is gross)but he made a very big mistake.

he told me he could drive and that he had like, 12,000 in a savings account, (also, i know im a tit for not doubting him) and he told me this from the start. even when the doubts appeared he wouldnt admit to it being made up, so my dad frightened the truth out of him.

cue the break up. i was really mad, but not as mad as my parents who expect me not to see him.

i was angry as i said, but he's so determined to win me and the baby back, and he really is faultless in any other sense. his reasoning was, he didint think i'd want just plain old him without these things, but the truth is, of course i would, i'd have loved him just the same, and i do.

he's joinging the RAF, taking driving lessons, putting money in the baby savings account every pay day, and comes to all my antenatal and midwife appointments. he's really excited about the baby. and i forgive him, it was stupid but not that big a deal.

the trouble is, my parents get uptight if they think im texting him, every time i pick up my phone its "who are you texting?!" and every time i go out to see a friend its "are you going to see that pratt?!".

i fear he can do his very best for us and my parents will still not let me take him back, but i want my baby to have his daddy, and surely its my decision?

it might be a choice between him and the support of my parents. is it fair to make me choose?

Well I think you're parents are
probably just worried he's a fantasist who is going to leave you up shit creek.

Can you not continue building just a friendship with him, to rebuild the trust, and remain at home during this time?

thats the plan anyway. he's joining the RAF, im going to live in the village i've grown up in with my parents just around the corner.

we'd not be living together, but the thing is im not even allowed to see him, talk to him or anything.

Yes, your parents might just be worried about you but nothing is going to change the fact that he is the baby's father and he will (should) be involved with your life for at least another 16 - 19 years. I think you need to explain to them that you understand they are angry about the lies but if they insist on continuing to behave the way they are, they are going to make your life very stressful and potentially their Granchild's because this is his/her Dad they're talking about.

Good luck and I hope they give you a break and hold up on the insults and hostility. I also hope your ex has grown up and learnt a big lesson now that he has a baby on the way x

What's he doing at the moment? Is he working? Where along the line is he in the RAF-joining?

seeker. he is working, only in a restuarant, but its 10 hour late shifts 6 days a week, so he's no layabout. he's got a-levels. he's going in as a piolet, its right at the beginning, gone to 2 interviews so far, one more to go, but they seem to like him.

hobnob. he's going to be a great dad, and i told him the final thing he has to do is sit down in front of my parents and tell them the score, he's a bit intimidated by my dad, who is a bully to everyone he sees as being of "lower class" to himself. and if he does this, i want him in my life for good, he's an idiot, granted but he's a good man. thank you so much! x

Well you're an adult now, if you are willing to give him a second chance then I think you need to sit down with your parents and tell them that you want him to be involved, and as an adult you expect them to respect your decision.

Your mum and dad are scared of you getting hurt further. They are probably still getting over you being pregnant at such a young age, and having to realise, very quickly, that you are no longer their little girl, and you're about to be a mum soon yourself.

However, this man sounds as though he is doing right by you, and your baby. And it is your baby - yours and his - not your parents. Obviously, you're not in a position to just up sticks and move in with him, and nor should you. But you need to tell mum and dad that you are able to forgive your boyfriend, even if they can't. If he continues to be supportive, and you continue to welcome his support, he will slowly perhaps regain their trust. If this doesn't happen, then it is their loss. Give it time, just let things tick along, but keep quietly and politely repeating that you want him in the baby's life - he is the dad of this baby, and you can forgive him. They will have to accept your decision. You need to put yourself and your baby to be first now. They will support you, but right now they'e going to be over protective, because they've watched their little girl become a woman, probably before they were ready too!

I'm sure you can see why your parents are concerned. You are still at school / college and in Year 13 would be normally considering HE or the first steps towards a career. Instead you are expecting a (unplanned I presume) baby and the young women they brought into the world is going to be a mum - sure it's a big shock.

When you say your BF said he could drive, did he drive you anywhere unsupervised (ie. illegally) because if he did I would be very concerned.

However, having said that we all make mistakes and, in the end, it is your decision what to do.

Why don't you get your head down with the academic side (exams will be over in June) and generally behave in a mature way. Meanwhile let your BF know what you are doing and try to get him to take the long term view.

In the end no one can stop you seeing him or stop him from being a good dad to your child. But I think the onus is now on you two to prove you are mature and have a future. Perhaps someone your parents know and trust could help you put your point of view across.

Good luck and take care.

Is there anyone else in the family or close to the family who you could talk to? it's possible that you and your parents are at a bit of a deadlock - they want to protect you and stop you being hurt any further, therefore they are trying to keep control, yet you are aware that you are now an adult, and adulthood brings with it the right to make mistakes. If an aunt/cousin/close family friend could help your parents see that if they carry on forbidding you to contact your boyfriend (who does sound as though he is doing his best) you might just up and run and then they wouldn't see their grandchild, it might help. You do have a right to see him if you want to, and he has a right to see you and his child, particularly as he appears to be trying so hard to be a good potential father.

hmmm update.

scan on wednesday and both mum and babydaddy were meant to be coming. but now mum refused to come along if he does and tells me that if i have him there then i am his responisbility and she will help me no further.

im just going to go alone, and if they want to join me they know the time and date.

i dont want to have to choose between two people i love.

and yes the pregnancy was unlanned and yes i am young, but im not stupid, im doing my a-levels, and apart from my parents lack of respect for the babydaddy we all get on fine. im not a tearaway, it was a contraceptive mishap, but this baby means the world to me. yes, id love to get a degree and a career, but life gave me lemons, and i just so happen to love lemonade.

Your mum is being very unfair, trying to make you choose like this. She sounds very controlling. Could you take a close friend with you instead? I think telling them both the time and leaving it up to them is a great idea, but it would be nice for you to have a friend for support anyway. Your mum can only play her games if you let her, and play them too - so you've handled this well. When you see your boyfriend, and how often and on what terms, is none of her business. You're an adult, so carry on behaving like one and try to rise above her manipulation. Easier said than done I know! Good luck with the scan.

thank you, you'd think i handn't given her the opportunity to see her grandchild, i invited her along as she's the most important person in my life, both of them should rise above their mutual dislike, its half an hour max!

Congratulations on the pregnancy
Yes, your parents are being unfair, hopefully it's shock and will wear off as they begin to realise they will be GPs

Umm. Being old enough to be your mother, and being a mother myself, I do see your parents' point of view. Ignoring all the future wishes and aspirations (such as joining the RAF, which is not yet reality and therefore should be discounted) the cold hard facts are:

1. You are pregnant at 18 with no skills or education, and it will be ten times harder to acquire once you have a family.
2. You are together with someone who is in the same boat, working in an unskilled job. Don't know what his real prospects are.
3. This chap is a proven fantasist.

As a parent, I'd be tearing my hair out.

Your best way with your parents is to STOP the ridiculous fluffy headed comments about lemonade and START demonstrating how you plan to care for the baby, how you plan to fund your lifestyle, develop some skills and get some training etc once the baby is born.

Yes, if you pulled the lemonade comment on me, I'd be really pissed off. Nothing has been handed down from on high by fate- you have chosen to have unprotected sex and continue with a pregnancy, despite it being in less than salubrious circumstances and far too young. Bit baffled by the whole 'babydaddy' thing too- you aren't on Jerry Springer yet, you know. Perhaps you are coming across to them as a bit air-headed and unrealistic, and they feel you need the extra guidance that a vulnerable teenager requires? I think you have got a bit of growing up to do before you are ready for all this, and I suspect that this is why your parents are reacting like this.

You are (all be it a young one) an adult and going to be a mother, it is up to you who you see, speak to, date, not your parents.

A chlid needs two parents, it is up to you if you take him back not your folks

Fair or not, I think the odds are quite hight that your parents have your best interests at heart.
I also think that in your current circumstances I would favour the support of the people who will love me and will be there for me regardless, over a unknown quantity who already has a black mark to his name.
You might think you like lemonade but I can assure you that you have not tasted lemonade like this before and I guarantee you are underestimating its kick.
Trust your parents and make him prove himself.

an unknown

Yes, it's probably like diet Sprite

I don't think I have a great deal of advice, but I wanted to say that you sound incredibly mature and level-headed.

I was in your situation a few years ago and I only wish I could rewind time and listen less to my parents and more to myself. Of course, things will be different for you, but you don't sound as if you are ignoring your parents at all. So, I want to point out that, while your parents surely have your best interests at heart, it is also the case that they are only human, and are just getting used to the idea that their dear baby girl is a responsible adult.

I guess I would suggest that you could play it quiet for a while. You can share the excitement with your baby's dad, without pushing your parents into accepting him sooner than they're ready to do so. It's a shame they're not able to accept him, but once your baby is born, they may find it much easier.

Congratulations on the pregnancy!

I should clarify: what I mean to indicate is, yes, you are an adult. And it is your decision. Nothing else comes before that, but there may be ways of acting that will get you the easiest ride over the long term - and, as a pregnant lady, you deserve the easiest time possible!

Your parents just desperately want you to concentrate on yourself and your own future and to prioritise the baby.

Any relationship can be hard work and when you're young and you feel things so intensely, it mightn't be the best way for you to take stock and plan your future. A calm, contented secure equilibrium would be a good frame of mind. Constant highs and lows are very draining. Trying to figure out what was the truth and what was a lie!!

So exhausting when you have a child...

Reassure your parents by telling them that you won't do anything that isn't in you and your baby's best interests. I agree with Quattrocento. As a parent this relationship would make me upset.

Don't cut the guy stone dead out of your life, but you do not have to have a relationship with him just because he is not ALL bad.

You are entitled to focus on your future and your baby's future.

I have a feeling that if you were to rely on either your parents or the baby's father for support in getting your life back together (job you can manage around the baby, childcare, studies) I bet your parents would be a safer bet.

sorry if that sounds liek I'm giving the guy a hard time. It's not that really at all. It's not about HIM. It's about you and the baby. That's how your parents will see it.

Tell your parents you want you child to know and be loved by both its parents AND its grandparents, and you're doing everything feasible to put its best interests at heart.

Why not acknowledge their fears with them? (without mentioning lemonade or babyfathers) I expect your parents are wondering whether your bf is still going to be around once the baby is here or whether the novelty and responsibility of a baby will wear off. So far it looks promising. He, and time, will tell.

I think a few of you are being hard on the OP. She says she didn't have unprotected sex, there was an accident with contraceptives - it happens. She isn't uneducated, she's taking A Levels. Whilst her parents may have her best interests at heart, her mum has no right to dictate that this baby's dad shouldn't attend the scan. Baby is more his than her mums! Dad to be lied, yes. He probably did this to impress and big himself up. Now he's making the right noises about the baby and being a part of its future, lots of young men in his position would run as fast as they could. What he does in the future - well, time will tell, but right now and in the future, he will always be a big part of the baby's life. This young girl is having a baby, studying for exams and trying to keep everyone happy - her parents should be supporting her NOW and allow the boyfriend to do the same. This rift that the mother is causing is doing what good, to whom, exactly?