apparently it's not my decison whether i forgive the father of my baby

[1pregheadpumpkin]

long story really.

weeeeeeeeeell, im 18 and 19 weeks pregnant. im in my last term of year 13 and i live with my parents. also i have a part time job. this is where i met, what can only be described as my ex, and the father of the baby.
we got on very well, in all honesty we still do, he's my best friend (which i know is gross)but he made a very big mistake.

he told me he could drive and that he had like, 12,000 in a savings account, (also, i know im a tit for not doubting him) and he told me this from the start. even when the doubts appeared he wouldnt admit to it being made up, so my dad frightened the truth out of him.

cue the break up. i was really mad, but not as mad as my parents who expect me not to see him.

i was angry as i said, but he's so determined to win me and the baby back, and he really is faultless in any other sense. his reasoning was, he didint think i'd want just plain old him without these things, but the truth is, of course i would, i'd have loved him just the same, and i do.

he's joinging the RAF, taking driving lessons, putting money in the baby savings account every pay day, and comes to all my antenatal and midwife appointments. he's really excited about the baby. and i forgive him, it was stupid but not that big a deal.

the trouble is, my parents get uptight if they think im texting him, every time i pick up my phone its "who are you texting?!" and every time i go out to see a friend its "are you going to see that pratt?!".

i fear he can do his very best for us and my parents will still not let me take him back, but i want my baby to have his daddy, and surely its my decision?

it might be a choice between him and the support of my parents. is it fair to make me choose?

do you have a school counsellor who could talk to you and your parents together about how to come together a bit more, putting the baby's interests first etc.

it's much better for it's father to be involved, fantasist or not. being a bit of a liar to get a bird is hardly damning evidence of evil-ness.

at his age i was an utter fanny- got kicked out of school, drove illegally etc and if no-one gave me a second chance i'd be fucked.

The Op's parents are being stupid and unkind by trying to force the OP to obey them. They are threatening to withdraw their support if she sees the man who fathered her baby, this is not the action of concerned parents, this is about ownership and control. OK maybe they are worried and upset but they need to get a grip. SOmeone ought to remind them that if they try to prevent this boy from having any access to his child he will be able to take them to court - the child is not theirs, the OP is legally an adult and it is up to her to allow access.

thank you to everyone who listened when i said it was a contraceptive mishap and that my mum is important to me. as i said im not a tearaway, im finishing my a-levels. so i WILL have qualifications.

and in my book, i have a supportive family, unless of course the father wants to be involved, so yes, how awful of me to continue with the pregnancy!

and im at a loss what to call the father really as he is not my boyfriend anymore, and if you really qant to argue about my use of terminology, then go ahead, but thats hardly the point, is it?

ok, no i've not tasted lemonade like this, but excuse my optimism. its a baby, not a train crash. whearas it would be if i was a jerry springer case, but hey, im a teenage mum-to-be, so i cant possibly be anything other than that, can i?

and quattro and bitoffun, if you'd seen the hours my parents and i have sat down planning for this baby's future together, you'd know i started demonstarating how i'd care for this baby right from the blue line.

and my mum is EXCITED actually. a bit too excited perhaps.

the situation is a what you make of it.

You're absolutely right that the situation is what you make of it, and I think it is great to be able to take responsibility the way you have. I think it's great that you're doing this. Good luck with the baby, and I hope that dad to be stays around, and by doing so, and showing your parents that he's sincere in wanting to support his baby, they will accept the huge role he has to play. Just remember that he has every right to be involved, especially if you want him to be.
X

OP - I think you seem level-headed and intelligent and any stereotypes of young mothers being applied to you are unfair and unhelpful. You are right to be optimistic. It is the best for both your and your baby's health and wellbeing.

Sometimes people say life is what happens when you're making plans - it isn't often textbook or how you ideally imagined it. You fell pregnant and now you're trying to make the best of the situation. What more can your parents ask for? I am sure they would prefer to be grandparents in different circumstances (you being with a partner...who hasn't 'failed' them) but their job now if to support you in this path.

They're right to be wary of whether your ex-partner will be a suitable father/partner for you but they seem to be going about it in an awfully childish and futile way. How can they possibly ban contact between the two of you? He is the father of your baby and for as long as he providing emotionally, practically and financially for your baby, they must accept him and his efforts. For a young man, he sounds quite impressive, actually - yes, he made a silly mistake but now it's about how he 'performs' as a father-to-be and soon, a father.

it's not a baby it's a foetus. it's a 19 week foetus. i wouldn't waste (part of) your life having to have a relationship with some bloke who in ten years time will probably make you think WHY DAMNIT??!! every time you have to contact him/get money off him/chase him down in the courts...

And i'm a fella btw.

if you go ahead with it all, best of luck though.

shut up coolfonz

op you seem very intelligent to me good luck your parents will come round in the end, the father will just have to prove himself to them

Nice reply Ms Carmichael! I would have thought some of the many many testimonies on this very forum about the varied grim, useless, lying men about might go some way to dissuading the OP from going through with the pregnancy.

That and the fact, OP, that you say he already lied to you.

Why take the risk? If he does prove himself why not have a baby with him in later years when you have some foundations under you?

But like I say, if you go ahead I hope it goes well...

I think in your situation, I would quietly continue to allow your Friend to support you, forge a relationship with the pregnancy and thus ultimately the baby,

It would take me some time to come to terms for his lying and whilst I wouldn't say write him off, I would make sure he earned your trust again, sadly, some of us have had the experiences that make us wary of stories like this and not without good reason. But we all make mistakes, and should be allowed, if they are a genuine mistake not to be branded for life by them.

As far as being pregnant at 18 goes. I know having a wee one makes life a lot harder, but don't believe by any means that it brings your future to a definite close.

My SiL met my bro when she was 15, they had two children by the time she was 19. They have two properties, one of which she project managed the refurbishment and rebuilding of, ran a small business whilst the DC's were small, and is now in FE training to be a counsellor.

No it is not fair to make you choose and I hope you can find a way of making your parents see that. But like others have said, you and the baby are important here, so you maybe need to focus on what you think is best.

I wonder if part of the reason for your parents' reaction is because you are no longer in a couple relationship with the father to be?

Maybe on some level they think it will be easier for you in the future, perhaps to find a partner, if the father of the baby is discouraged now.

Not saying this is right, just wondering about their motivation.

Good luck with the exams

coolfonz. of course i'll continue with it, im 19 weeks, im not going to get rid of the "foetus". which to me, is a baby.

coolfonz what a horrible thing to say! You have never experienced a 19 week old baby inside you so you have no idea of how difficult it would be to consider not having the baby now!

You're 18, it's not up to your parents.

have you actually explained to your parents that they are putting you in a position where you have to choose between them and the father of your child? And have you made it clear that they might not come as far forward in your affections as they think they do?

What I'm saying is, they might well be trying to force you to choose, but they will probably be assuming you will choose them. If you call their bluff, and clarify that they won't be your automatic choice, they may stop the silliness.

As it is, if your boyfriend does join the RAF, your best bet would be to make him marry you as soon as possible and then go and live in forces' married quarters.

oh but my mum is like my best friend, we've become really close since she found out about the baby, i think she's just being very protective and cant forgive the baby's dad for lying

he says he wants to marry me, and gosh he really is excited, you know the scan debacle? mum not wanting him to come? well i told the father and he was upset but accepting after he realised it would cause more trouble if he came, he asked only for a scan picture, which was a little bit sad.

so i told mum that her and dad can come to the csan on wednesday, but the father so desperatley wants to see the baby that he's paying for another scan the following week, which should be really nice. its a way to keeping them apart as mum said she cant be civil even for a few minutes if he was to come.

Never mind your mum being your best friend, if she can't be trusted yto keep a civil tongue in her head for the sake of your baby knowing both its' parents, she needs to bloody grow up.

pronoia, i like you, i like you a lot.

About 30 years ago I was in a similar position to you, OP ... except i turned out not to be pg (just a scare). Have now been married for 27 years to the author of the scare, and our first child was born 15 years ago (we left it a long time before going down that road again!)

Just telling you this to show that it is possible to have a long term future with a man you met in your teens. Yes, your lover's disregard for truth was unfortunate, but maybe fatherhood will make him grow up.
No one's perfect.

I think your parents are panicking and acting in a way that is not in your, or your baby's interests. The father of your baby is in your life now, with duties and responsibilities whether your p's like it or not.

I would marry him and make it work.

i love hearing people's stories elasticwoman

i suppose they just need to see the effort he's putting in to proving himself, he's expressed his intentions of sitting in front of my parents and trying to convince them that he's really what the baby and i need.

While your parents may think they have your best interests and heart and they may indeed be right not to trust this man (though they may just as easily be wrong) they should not be trying to force you to stay away from him, this would only be reasonable if he was a violent addict or habitual criminal.

ANd coolfonz: that was a witless thing to say. THe OP has not at any point stated any ambivalence over her pregnancy, the right to choose includes the right to continue a pregnancy without irrelevant people shoving their oar in.

coolfonz has been the only person to suggest that the pregnancy might be better off discontinued, so it surprised me a little. it's easy for him to say, he's already been born

just discount what coolfonz wrote

we have to assume he had a brainfart or summat

Coolfonz - you don't happen to play rugby do you?

notsocoolfonz

'Nice reply Ms Carmichael!'

......it was only as nice as your comment.

the op did not ask for advice on whether or not she should keep her BABY she was asking advice about how to deal with her situation

i wish you all the luck in the world pumkin and fwiw i think that the fact that your babys father has shown so much interest in seeing and paying for a scan is a wonderful thing and he may turn out to be an excellent father and maybe a future partner for you (if you ask me right now hes showing more maturity than your parents but it must be hard for them to accept what he did)

x

OP, congratulations on your pregnancy. I can see you are intelligent, mature and articulate. Your ex made a big mistake, but he is young and as long as he learns from it and uses it as a lesson about what not to do in the future, it should make him grow up a bit, hopefully. He certainly sounds like he is doing all the right things now, so it's right to give him the benefit of the doubt, particularly as babies need their daddy as well as their mummy if at all possible.

As for your parents, however close you are to them please don't let them use your love for them to contol you and try to separate you from your baby's father. He has far more right to be at your scans than your mother and I think now is the time to set her straight about this. She is not your 'best friend', she is your mother, they are completely different roles. Not only that, but she is behaving very immaturely and unreasonably.

Part of being a parent is teaching your child to be independent, that means letting them make their own decisions and learn from their own mistakes - but providing a safe haven when they need it. Right now, you need to put your baby's welfare above your relationship with your parents, it will be tough, but that's what being a mother is all about. Include your baby's father in everything, the more he is actively encouraged to be in its life the better.