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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm sick of DH being the boss

72 replies

TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 12:36

Ever since I can remember DH has always been "the boss". He takes over everything and considering I used to be a very independant person, I feel myself just going along with it now because it's easier. I feel I have to ask him if I'm allowed to eat certain things as he does all the shopping and the cooking but he runs things in a way that I couldn't possibly do the shopping myself as I wouldn't know what "he" needs for his cooking and I couldn't possibly cook because I'm just not very good at it.
I'm starting university in september to study nursing and DH insists that I have to do adult nursing, even though I have told him my interest lies with mental health nursing. He even tells people I'll be doing adult nursing and if I ever question it he goes all moody and starts arguining his point that I'm wrong. It seems that he controls everything from the way the house looks to where we go, what we do, what we eat. I've just posted a thread in AIBU about some ornaments and someone suggested I just move them myself and I thought to myself "god, I couldn't POSSIBLY do that! I darnt" - It made me realise so much. Why shouldn't I? I live here too. I'm as much "in charge" as he is.
He's not a violent person but he is very manipulative. I want to start taking some control back in small stages to test his reaction. Any ideaS?

OP posts:
rainbowinthesky · 14/04/2010 12:38

Why did you get together and marry him in teh first place? Do you have children together?

Alouiseg · 14/04/2010 12:40

No ideas i'm afraid. Just shocked at how you are being treated. No wonder you have an interest in Mental Health issues as he he clearly has some serious ones!!!

I really hope that you get some sound advice, in an ideal world you could just walk away from him but sadly lifes just not like that. Good luck.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 14/04/2010 12:41

Test his reaction? good god. Are you afraid of his reaction? That sounds awful. You are proposing to try something small to see if he will allow you some freedom and control over your own life?

Bloody hell.

You are right, you are as much "in charge" as he is. So take control of your own choices. If you don't want to eat something - make something you do want to eat! Choose the nursing that suits YOU and you don't need his permission! Just sign up for what you want! Don't ask his permission. Tell him you are doing X.

And say to him "Don't try to manipulate me. I am doing X."

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 12:42

It wasn't like this at first, he didn't seem like this. We don't have any children together.

OP posts:
mollybob · 14/04/2010 12:42

do you have children? It is important they learn this is not right. What really would happen if you stood up to him? Are you scared of conflict as a rule or just with him? Is there an underlying threat of violence? Could you consider counselling for you to help you develop strategies? Does he know there's a problem as this has become your normal? Would he consider couple's counselling?

Lots of questions, no answers but you can't live this way forever without totally losing yourself and studying nursing will be hard and working in the NHS is associated with higher levels of stress and depression so you need home to be a haven and it isn't.

Good luck working out a strategy.

rainbowinthesky · 14/04/2010 12:43

I'd get out now. Life is too short.

bumpybecky · 14/04/2010 12:45

if you don't have children then I'd seriously consider leaving

life is too short to be putting up with rubbish like this

GypsyMoth · 14/04/2010 12:46

start with moving the furniture.....swapping cupboards....etc.....do it in the guise of 'spring cleaning'

mrsboogie · 14/04/2010 12:47

Life is like that. Or at least it should be. People marry lunatics, then one day they wake up and realise they have to ask permission to have a cheese sandwich or are not allowed to choose the career path of their choice and they make a sharp exit!!

This is monstrous and he has only gotten away with it because you let him, for an easy life. He is extremely controlling and won't take kindly to your trying to exert some autonomy.

Have you got kids?

I don't know what to advise short of sitting him down and telling him you have just realised you are not his 6 year old daughter and have to decided to act accordingly.

needsdirection · 14/04/2010 12:47

I think you just have to start doing and saying things. If you want to cook something on a particular night, tell him. If he objects, point out that he's being ridiculous.

Next time your nursing comes up, tell him you are doing the course you want to do, and he should stop telling people you're doing something else.

I think you're just going to have to make him see what he's doing and just stand your ground if he tries to block/control you. Remind him that you are an adult who can make her own choices and he needs to stop trying to control every last thing you do.

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 12:48

He tries to change everything so that I'm doing as I'm told. I have been going to the same fitness club for 5 years and now he's decided that he doesn't like the instructor and I should look for somewhere else. I refused so everytime I go now he goes in a mood saying stuff like "I still think you should give that other one a try, the one you're at now is no good". It's just looking for ways to control, I know.
I was looking for voluntary work with the NHS 3 weeks ago and couldn't get through. DH is obsessed with me getting the degree (purely so HE will be finantially better off) and so suspected I was lying and wasn't really ringing them. He wasn't happy until HE rung them and got the same answering machine message and then for the following 3 weeks he was on and on and on at me to phone them back. It was obvious the woman was on holiday.
Anyway on Monday whilst I was out he phoned them 4 times.

OP posts:
Swanky · 14/04/2010 12:49

What happens if you try to make a change?

toomuchmonthatendofthemoney · 14/04/2010 12:49

sounds like a horrific control freak. how dare he tell you what YOUR study/job should be? mad. get out. NOW. while you still have some strength and sanity left to do so.

Swanky · 14/04/2010 12:50

Good lord, having read your most recent post, I am wondering what is good about your relationship?

He sounds like a manipulative, controlling bully. He may not be physically agressive but he is mentally!

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 14/04/2010 12:51

What happens if you look him in the eye and say "I will choose for myself." or "Stop trying to manipulate me." or "stop trying to control me"

Just flatly, bluntly, say it. Tell it how it is. Confront him with the truth of his behaviour.

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 12:52

Funnily enough I did sort the cupboards out a few weeks ago. He was on and on and on about the kitchen drawers etc being a mess so when he was at work, I completely blitzed them. He came home and was far from impressed and started asking what I'd done with all the "crap" as he might have needed some of it. That particular drawer is now a shithole again and I'm sure he's done it on purpose.
In one cupboard, DH always keeps the bread in the same cupboard as the plates. I hate this as the ammount of plates that have fallen out and smashed as someone has tried to drag the bread out is ridiculous. So I sorted the food cupboards and moved the bread into a food cupboard, not the plate cupboard. Needless to say it's back in the plate cupboard.

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 14/04/2010 12:53

I think you should make a clean break before you decide to have children. Is there anything good about him? Why do you stay?

GypsyMoth · 14/04/2010 12:53

i'd have packed my bags long ago.....why are you still there??

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 12:56

I have told him. Last week we were walking through a forest and everything was lovely and DH got on about my nursing. The conversation took a turn where he said "This is why it's a good thing that you're doing adult nursing". I said "I'm not, I'm doing mental health". He said "But you said you'd try adult nursing first!" So I said "no, YOU said that, I have alway ssaid I wanted to do mental health". He went in a major mood and said "well, its not just about you is it? you have to think about the rest of us. What if you can't get a job in mental health? I don't think you could do that kind of job anyway, I don't think you could handle it. Thats why you need to do adult nursing" I argued my point and the conversation ended on a bitter note but a few days ago he was looking up my degree and said to me very excitedly "Oh look, you CAN'T do mental health if you don't get in the septembers intake, only adult nursing so it looks like you'll be doing that". He'd LOVE me to fail at this intake because the jan intake only does adult.

OP posts:
msrisotto · 14/04/2010 12:56

Oh god, please don't spend the rest of your life with this twat tendaystoflorida. You are a grown up and are fully competant and he is hacking away your self esteem and independence.

Bucharest · 14/04/2010 12:57

Have you ever seen Sleeping with the Enemy????

I think you need to pack. His stuff if necessary.

Miggsie · 14/04/2010 12:57

I'd get on the web and look up personality disorders. He sounds a total control freak.

rainbowinthesky · 14/04/2010 12:58

Why do you have to think about teh rest of us? You have no children with him.

Bucharest · 14/04/2010 12:59

Perhaps he is worried if you do mental health nursing you'll use him as a case study. Sounds perfect to me.

FiveGoMadInDorset · 14/04/2010 13:01
Biscuit