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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm sick of DH being the boss

72 replies

TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 12:36

Ever since I can remember DH has always been "the boss". He takes over everything and considering I used to be a very independant person, I feel myself just going along with it now because it's easier. I feel I have to ask him if I'm allowed to eat certain things as he does all the shopping and the cooking but he runs things in a way that I couldn't possibly do the shopping myself as I wouldn't know what "he" needs for his cooking and I couldn't possibly cook because I'm just not very good at it.
I'm starting university in september to study nursing and DH insists that I have to do adult nursing, even though I have told him my interest lies with mental health nursing. He even tells people I'll be doing adult nursing and if I ever question it he goes all moody and starts arguining his point that I'm wrong. It seems that he controls everything from the way the house looks to where we go, what we do, what we eat. I've just posted a thread in AIBU about some ornaments and someone suggested I just move them myself and I thought to myself "god, I couldn't POSSIBLY do that! I darnt" - It made me realise so much. Why shouldn't I? I live here too. I'm as much "in charge" as he is.
He's not a violent person but he is very manipulative. I want to start taking some control back in small stages to test his reaction. Any ideaS?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 14/04/2010 13:02

Get out of there.Check what you are entitled to, find yourself somewhere else to live and run. I would strongly advise you move out without warning, and leave him a letter telling him that you have gone because he is an abusive bully and that he isn't to contact you agai.Because someone who thinks that you are his property and owe him abject obedience will get physically violent when you stand up to him. I honestly think you are in danger from this awful man.

msrisotto · 14/04/2010 13:03

Don't let him influence what type of nursing you want to do (Do you want to do nursing anyway? You said it was him that was driving this).

Portofino · 14/04/2010 13:07

What have you been doing up til now?

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 13:07

I'd like to train up to be a pyschiatrist but DH says this is unrealistic. I settled for nursing but DH is also trying to force his daughter into nursing. She was taking her options at school and wanted to performing arts. DH went mental and told her she had NO CHOICE but to choose Health and Social care. He's always told me she wants to be a nurse. She's never told me this herself but he tells everyone this is what she wants to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 13:08

I was working as an administrator in the NHS (mental health) but gave it up to start university.

OP posts:
twolittlemonkeys · 14/04/2010 13:08

Get out get out get out! He sounds horribly controlling. Maybe he is worried that if you start doing Mental Health Nursing you'll see through him and realise exactly what he's trying to do to you.

rainbowinthesky · 14/04/2010 13:10

I would go back to work if I were you and plan moving out. Getting your life back needs to be your priority.

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 13:12

rainbow, I was considering that actually. I keep thinking how nice it would be to have my own house, get my own ornaments and not have to ask persision for anything. But if I go back to work I'll never get my degree.

OP posts:
plus3 · 14/04/2010 13:12

I think you know that his behaviour is controlling and unacceptable. If you leave it wouldn't have any bearing on the course - there should be either hospital or university accommodation available.

Why is he so keen for you to do adult nursing? If he thinks its about money, then it makes no difference as you get paid according to grade, not speciality. The only difference (maybe) would be the amount of unsocial hours that you would work, but then how would he cope with the constant changing of your shifts? Constantly flexing from days to nights and working weekends?

Does he have children?

Alouiseg · 14/04/2010 13:12

So you havn't got children together?

Why are you still there?

Bucharest · 14/04/2010 13:12

Can I poke the elephant in the room as well, and ask if he's physically violent?

rainbowinthesky · 14/04/2010 13:13

PErsonally I would say staying with him so you can get your degree would be a huge mistake. Nursing is a 4 year course isn't it?

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 13:15

He's not violent. I'm just so deperately unhappy I don't even know if I have the mindset to complete a degree now.

OP posts:
plus3 · 14/04/2010 13:17

So what is your plan now? Not one person thinks that staying is a good idea. Nursing will always be there, as will be training for anything you really want to do. You DO NOT need this man.

assumetheposition · 14/04/2010 13:17

I rarely post on these threads as people never know what goes on it a relationship but really, I think you need to do some serious thinking about your relationship.

"I keep thinking how nice it would be to have my own house, get my own ornaments and not have to ask persision for anything"

That's what people say when they move out from their parents'. And not very nice parents at that.

Is there any way you could afford to do your course without his financial support?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 14/04/2010 13:18

TenDays, you have posted before about this man, and you have children with him (or he has children, at least, which I note from this thread). You've talked about having a timeline to get out and wanting to get through the course before leaving. On that thread I said that it sounded to me as if you needed to leave now because he's abusive, but wanted the excuse to stay.

You didn't respond to the replies on that thread.

There can't be two posters whose partner insist on adult vs mental health nursing.

Just leave. If you actually do have children, please tell us so we can help, but this is an abusive, horrible, manipulative man. He's gaslighting you (making you think you're crazy or wrong to control you), he's making your life unpleasant.

I'm really glad you're seeing this. You seem to be waking up to it more and more, and that's often the hardest part. But you do have to leave, he isn't a solvable problem.

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 13:18

Yes, money is not an issue but finding somewhere to live when you're not working is unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 13:20

I do want help I know I need to leave but I can't. I have no job and no family support. I have children of my own.

OP posts:
Cartoose · 14/04/2010 13:20

Why don't you get into the course you want, then defer for a year. In that year, go back to working, move into your own place with your own ornaments . Then, as you will have a place, work towards getting your degree. There's always a way. I'd even go for that psychiatry degree if it's what YOU've always wanted to do.

Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 13:22

Cartoose, I wasn't aware you could do that?

OP posts:
Original poster
TenDaysToFlorida · 14/04/2010 13:22

Actually, I know someone who is doing the degree part time whilst working ...

OP posts:
Cartoose · 14/04/2010 13:23

I think it's the case with most degrees. Why not give them a call and find out?

Cartoose · 14/04/2010 13:25

Yes, ask about that too. I studied part time at one stage while working.

Swanky · 14/04/2010 13:27

tendays have you see the secondments for nursing within the NHS? I know these are an option in our local Trust - is it an option or have you already left your job?

traumaqueen · 14/04/2010 13:29

This is an unhealthy relationship, and getting unhealthier.

If he didn't start out like this but has got this controlling now, what on earth do you think he's going to be like in another 5 years? or with children?

You have already spoken to him about it - time to either get professional help or split up. Are you married? got a joint mortgage?

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