I'm sick of DH being the boss

[TenDaysToFlorida]

Ever since I can remember DH has always been "the boss". He takes over everything and considering I used to be a very independant person, I feel myself just going along with it now because it's easier. I feel I have to ask him if I'm allowed to eat certain things as he does all the shopping and the cooking but he runs things in a way that I couldn't possibly do the shopping myself as I wouldn't know what "he" needs for his cooking and I couldn't possibly cook because I'm just not very good at it.
I'm starting university in september to study nursing and DH insists that I have to do adult nursing, even though I have told him my interest lies with mental health nursing. He even tells people I'll be doing adult nursing and if I ever question it he goes all moody and starts arguining his point that I'm wrong. It seems that he controls everything from the way the house looks to where we go, what we do, what we eat. I've just posted a thread in AIBU about some ornaments and someone suggested I just move them myself and I thought to myself "god, I couldn't POSSIBLY do that! I darnt" - It made me realise so much. Why shouldn't I? I live here too. I'm as much "in charge" as he is.
He's not a violent person but he is very manipulative. I want to start taking some control back in small stages to test his reaction. Any ideaS?

TenDays - why can't you leave? Do your children live with you? Do they see the way this man talks to you? Does he treat them the same way?

You might not believe you can leave but you can. You can cope without him.

How old are your children? I mean, are they preschool age? So you'd need to sort out care?

On the other thread I think I said something I will say again. A man this controlling will not allow you to finish this degree. It seems like an escape plan, but if you don't leave it won't be. He's already trying to control what the degree is, and you're standing up to him, but the further through it you get the harder he will push back. Once he realises that you are fulfilled and doing what you love, he will put everything in your way.

Okay, let's talk practicalities. You have children, does he support the family now? Have you family nearby?

Leave him

Sorry you've already answered some of my questions.

So you need to be able to leave, with your children, and know you have enough to live on.

I don't live in England, but I'm sure someone will come along any second to tell you where to start with benefits and things?

Go to Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/

They will be able to help you with the practicalities, find somewhere to live, give you some breathing space to get your head sorted and help you to get out of this awful situation.

I work full time and study part time. It's tough, but can be done. Your dp is clearly controlling, manipulative and not suitable to be a dp. You need to leave. If you have to work for a while, before starting a part time degree, then surely that's better than your life at the moment?

my exP had all of these traits - controlling cooking, complaining about stuff - then when i remedied it he would say it wasnt done correctly..etc;etc;etc.

he is EX and yours should be ex. there is only one way forward and that is out. i pity his daughter but she is older i guess - you can let her know you will still be there for her...

read walking on eggshells... or dont read but jsut consdier the implications of these book titles -

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder: Coping When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder (Paperback)
by Paul T. Mason (Author), Randi Kreger
Randi Kreger (Author)
www.amazon.co.uk/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/157224108X

I Hate You Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality by Jerold J. Kreisman and Hal Straus (Mass Market Paperback - 1 Feb 1991)
Buy new: £5.99 £3.57

Why does he think training to be a psychiatrist is unrealistic? Does he tell you you're not clever enough?

Another attempt at keeping you in your place by putting you down and making you believe less of yourself. A true partner would be building you up and encouraging you to follow your dream, as would a proper father.

I would love my daughter to follow in my footsteps and be a music teacher. I am teaching her the piano and she has the talent - passed Grade 2 with merit last November aged 8.

But she says she wants to be a primary school teacher, which is also fine - the piano will come in handy.

But I would never discourage her from any career she wanted to do, unless I felt it was beneath her intelligence and abilities, then I would encourage ther to aim higher, not lower.

Control freak - totally!

I left a man who was probably worse than this (worse because he was abusive, but maybe no more controlling iyswim).

If you are going to stay with him (and I think you're mad to because it will make your life hard forever) then you have to stop running anything past him. Just do what you need to do, buy the food you want to eat. When he sulks ignore it. Don't wait for his reaction to your decisions. Stop NEEDING or waiting for his approval, and become impervious to his disapproval.

basically, disconnect from him. Disconnection is the only way you will be able to lead your own life.

Actually, instead of mentally disconnecting, just physically disconnect. He will probably tell you that no you are wrong to break it off with him because of x,y &z. So I'm betting that half of you would like to end it but you think you can't end it. That YOU have no right to end it?!?

Just pick a stock phrase that can NOT be argued with, such as I no longer want to be with you. I want to end this relationship. Don't try to explain it any further than that, as he will argue with your explanations and give your explanations distorted meanings.

Controlling men are my specialist subject I'm afraid.

I don't get what the problem is.

He's a knob, you're unhappy, you don't have any kids.

Just leave.

Yes, you have posted about this man before, at least once under a different name(s)

Can I ask why you ignore all the almost word-for-word advice you have got previously ?

Ok, having read all the thread and your other posts, op, I agree - get out. I would start making plans, do everything so you don't have to tell him until it's all sorted and you can just GO. Because obviously he'll try to stop you if he gets wind of it.

Look for a job, find out about training to be a psychiatrist if that's what you want to do, then either defer a year to get back on your feet or find out about part-time options.

This is your life! Don't let him ruin it. Start taking steps to get out, you'll be so pleased you have.

ffs.

LEAVE HIM

LEAVE HIM

LEAVE HIM

How much clearer can it be?

The uni/nursing thing is just a red herring.

The real issue is that you are living with (at best) a total asshole and (at worst) an abusive psycho.

JUST GET OUT.

Ten Days - Swanky is right, from nearly any level in NHS you can get a secondment, but you can also get a lot of support in training up for a 'front line role' such a mental health nursing, and for some training they pay you as well. It varies from Trust to Trust but please have a look into it if you are still in role, and if not, get yourself back into the NHS sharpish as this really could be your way out for sure.

Please leave this man. He is going to certainly destroy your confidence if nothing else. And that is from someone who has been through exactly what you are going through. Good luck x

Well, I also think you should pack his bags (incorrectly, no doubt) and change the locks. Even Mrs Boogie thinks so, and she's no hard-liner!

Supposing you don't yet have to confidence to cut him out of your life & find your freedom (oh, please find it soon!) - you're doing the right thing by calmly holding your ground. Don't argue with him, because arguments will always be about him and how you "make" him feel. Which is pathetic; don't play that game.

Move the bloody ornaments. When he kicks off, simply say you're sorry he doesn't like it and walk away. Change your mind about what you want for dinner. Order a takeaway. Ask him to do something differently from the way "he" does it. If he does, reward him with a smile and thank-you; nothing overboard. Every time he plays his game, respond like a nice grown-up, speaking to an irritating child: "Oh dear", "That's interesting", "Sorry you feel hurt", "I shan't argue about this," etc ... You know.

You may have to do a lot of walking away.

Good tactics above. He doesn't have the right to tell you what to do with your life. Take some control back, now. Start with the ornaments and progress from there. Be prepared to see an even uglier side though, as he won't be able to handle you becoming stronger, probably

Then don't have children with him.

My dp is similar and wasn't like that when we first got together but having children together makes things mighty bloody complex.

Do your nursing degree in the area you want and leave this man. Than have children with someone who deserves you.

Hi TenDays, I see you've just joined the "My DH has Aspergers" thread.

Do you not think this is extremely relevant to everything you've just been posting here?

I've seen your previous threads and agree with everyone else - this place may be a useful sounding board for you, but you really do need to start taking on board the advice you're being given.

Take some time (if you haven't done so already) to read through the "Aspergers" thread - you may find some more concrete asnwers to your questions there, as well as many women who are living with similar issues!

Does you DH have a diagnosis?

TenDays - GET OUT.

I posted on your other thread, but have now read this one. You need to leave. Don't tell him you are going - just get away. He is doing you no good at all

Sorry - following on from the psychiatrist issue - you'd need to train as a doctor and then specialise in psychiatry.

or maybe you were thinking about Psychotherapy training (which I don't know anything about), or Clinical Psychology (undergraduate degree in Psychology, plus 3 year Clin Psych training).

My ex was like that. A kind person, definitely non-violent and also a manipulative control freak where I was concerned. I'm afraid I left it was the only choice left open to me if I were to become me again and get any kind of life back.