been dumped and am sad

[meloncholyinfinatesadness]

been dumped. 9 month relationship. I am very very sad.
I knew when i entered into the relationship that i would end up heartbroken as he was so far out of my league. Now it has happened and im even sadder than what i thought i was going to be.
In my head he is this wonderful person though really he is a bit of an arse and hasnt actually been all that nice to me. I know i deserve better but i think i just wanted someone apparently perfect to love me.
It felt really good for a while that i could get someone like that.
but now its all come crashing down around me and hurts more than when my husband left.

I know im going to miss him an awful lot and im pretty sure that i thought a lot more of the relationship that he did.

I just feel very very upset.

To make matters worse ive been asked out by someone else who is very very interested in me and ive just said yes. but that is only becase im feeling horrible.

so this other bloke. What did he do? That hurt you I mean.

he just dumped me. thats what hurt me

You said he's a bit of an arse and hasn't actually been all that nice to you.

I assumed that meant he had done more than simply ended the relationship. Which isn't in itself an arsey and nasty thing to do. (unless he did it in a cruel way)

And thought that if you could list, or focus on seeing how he'd been, you might be able to be less upset.

9 months is a very very hard time to be dumped, I'm really sorry for you.

I agree with twopenceworth, you need to tell us all about how he is a bit of an arse. Tell us all those things that made you go , but that you overlooked as you liked him and wanted it to work.

oh sorry. i see what you mean.

he would ignore me for days then expect me to talk to him for hours when he wanted.
everything was on his terms all the time and i had to give reasons if i hadnt done what he asked/wanted.
he would tell me i was rubbish if i hadnt done something well enough ( half joking i think)
he had the biggest ego.
he would expect me to ask after him and be interested in what he had to say. but he never asked about me or showed any interest bar the usual how are you.

writing it down he sounds horrible. i know im better off out of it. but i still feel dreadful.

i just feel like i have wasted more time. time wasted being married now time wasted on this. and that everyone else is happy and i dont know why i cant have someone that loves me too.

He does not sound nice at all.

I think you will look back and think this is all for the best.

You can have someone who loves you! But that person isn't him. Come on, someone who loved you wouldn't do the things you've listed,would they?

Come on, what else did he do?

im told im attractive. im fun. i like doing things. Ive got lots of interests.
im a nice person and have got lots of friends.
but im just very very lonely. and now more so.
i didnt actually see all that much of him. only every other weekend. but im still going to miss that.

im just thankful that i didnt introduce him to friends and family.

i always knew in the back of my head that it was never going to last.

but it hurts an awful lot

Okay, he doesn't sound that nice as a person/partner TBH and you can see that so that's good.

I have to say, don't view it as time wasted - we learn from relationships the good and the bad. And also, do not assume everyone you know is happy. Even if they say they are happy - they may very well not be.

What things in life do make you happy? (I know that sounds like a trite question but I am personally trying to aim for that rather than the holy grail of a relationship with a good man). You will be sad to have this relationship end I know, I really feel for you.

He was not out of your league. He actually doesn't sound very nice. Better to let it go now rather than further down the line
but I know you must feel horrible, sorry
why aren't you so keen on the one who likes you?
do you find yourself mainly attracted to distant, unavailable men, if so why not try to break the habit?

Of course it does. But clearly he wasn't right for you. You deserve to be cherished, we all do.

When you have taken some time to get over this and you're feeling stronger, what about a dating agency? Or asking friends if they can introduce you to someone.

Now don't say it's sad, or whatever, there is nothing wrong with going out there and finding someone. We all need someone.

erm he told me to lost weight. im a 14 and he said i should be a 12.
he wanted to change the colour of my hair
he said i should want to be perfect for him.

it sounds wrong but at the time i just thought it was romantic.

"im told im attractive. im fun. i like doing things. Ive got lots of interests.
im a nice person and have got lots of friends."
His loss, by the sound of it.
And: "ive been asked out by someone else who is very very interested in me and ive just said yes."
Proves you've got loads going for you.
But I'm sorry you're feeling so yuck. It will pass, however. And all the quicker once you et back out there and allow someone who does value you to show it.

worse and worse op
you are right actually he was WAY out of your league
right down there in the pub friendies

friendlies, even

i should not need a dating agency. I get chatted up all the time.
the number of men i have turned down in the last 9 months is silly.
If someone is keen and actually likes me it makes me not like them.
If someone is mean and not interested it makes me chase them.

i do not know why.

It is wasted time. I wasted a long long time with someone who never loved me when i was married to them. They were cheating before we even got married. and now i have wasted more time with someone else who never gave a shit.

and i look about and just see lots of people in couples being nice to each other and doing couple things and i just want that. I want someone to give a shit about me.

Aw love. It sucks. I remember being dumped after a whirlwind 9 month romance by a man who I thought was out of my league right from the beginning but I fell head over heels in love with. It was dreadful, I totally fell apart. Now though, I look back on it and I know that it was the right thing to happen. And it makes me the stronger person that I am today.
It took me some time, but I grew and learnt from it- and when I was totally over it (which took me several years, but I think I am a bit of a 'brooder' on these things!) I went and found myself a wonderful new man on t'internet! I
It feels shite now, but you will be alright.

if you do have this pattern and you can see it that's half the battle
you need to change it for yourself and be able to accept someone who will value you not look for someone who will complete the familiar pattern of making you feel bad about yourself
a friend of mine went on an assertiveness course to sort this out
I am still working on it, personally

If you want someone to love you - stop going after bastards! they'll never love you. They'll never change and you'll never be the woman to turn them around.

Leave the bastards and seek out the good guys. The ones who are capable of loving you and who deserve your love!

jeffily. whirlwind romance who i totally fell in love with about sums it up. I admitt i was just besotted with him so besotted that i overlooked his faws or made excuses for them. i was just so amazed that someone like him could like someone like me.

though i do hope it doesnt take me years to get over it.

i know ill be fine im a tough cookie. im just sick of being that tough cookie. its always chin up you will be ok and im sick of my life being like that.

btw
like jiffily I used tinternet and actually despite my reservations it is a good way of getting to know someone slowly, over time, if this is what helps you to avoid jumping into unsuitable relationships
you can see if they are trustworthy, keep in touch when they say they will, or are just after sex and an ego boost

his loss, he sounds like a total egocentric, being in love should make you feel great about yourself, he didn't sound like he made you feel that.

he will probably get back in touch to keep you on the back burner, don't let him though -' you deserve better

if only it was that easy. the bastard type is the type i drop on the floor in lust at.
always has been.
a nice guy comes along and i mess him about beacuse i can.
i have no idea why i do that.

but then i am jealous of friends how have nice guy husbands/partners. they are just so nice to each other and caring and loving and i dont think anyone has ever been that way towards me. that makes me very sad to think that as a grown up noone has ever put me first.

but he did make me feel great about myself most of the time. when i was with him i felt amazing like i was walking on air.
i loved talking to him on the phone too.

i know he will get back in contact at some point. he has dumped me several times before.
he always comes back. i expect he has a new love interest and then in a few weeks time he wont be able to stop himself contacting me. and i will be pleased to hear from him and the cycle starts again.

i have had a few dates with other men when he has dumped me in the past but as soon as he is back on the sceen i dump them. i did tell him this once and he was very very cross at me about it. when i explained that he had dumped me and we werent seeing each other he still said that i should have told him as soon as he got back in contact and that i was out of order.

But that's your own fault - sorry, that sounds mean, it's not meant to hurt you. But you need to accept responsibility for your choices.

You choose bastards and then wonder why they treat you badly and wish that someone would love you and put you first.

Somewhere along the line you have developed the idea either that you deserve to be treated badly, or that being treated badly is exciting (or rather the type of person who treats you badly is exciting)

Good relationships can be great. Good men are best. What was your parents relationship like?