been dumped and am sad

[meloncholyinfinatesadness]

been dumped. 9 month relationship. I am very very sad.
I knew when i entered into the relationship that i would end up heartbroken as he was so far out of my league. Now it has happened and im even sadder than what i thought i was going to be.
In my head he is this wonderful person though really he is a bit of an arse and hasnt actually been all that nice to me. I know i deserve better but i think i just wanted someone apparently perfect to love me.
It felt really good for a while that i could get someone like that.
but now its all come crashing down around me and hurts more than when my husband left.

I know im going to miss him an awful lot and im pretty sure that i thought a lot more of the relationship that he did.

I just feel very very upset.

To make matters worse ive been asked out by someone else who is very very interested in me and ive just said yes. but that is only becase im feeling horrible.

what was so great about him melancholy?

why was he out of your league?? you should NEVER think anyone is "out of your league"

he sounds a tosser, you are well rid. i hope you feel better soon x

You mention that as a grown up, nobody has ever put you first... did anyone put you first as a child?

oh my god. better and better.he comes and goes as he pleases, and you must see no-one else but be waiting with your legs open when he decides he wants you for a bit.

How demeaning. how can you allow yourself to be used like this? Get angry!!!!!

This man is abusive. Can I ask what kind of relationship you had with your own father?

I'm tempted to diagnose too much 'romance' in the form of novels and films at a tender age - is that what gave you the idea that the perfect man is critical, selfish and difficult?
Or were you brought up with or by people who criticized you a lot and told you it was for your own good, and gave you the idea that women should exert themselves to please men and accept any criticism or unkind treatment a man gives them as a way of learning how to Do Better.
Because this man you've described is a total bell-end who most sane women would have booted up the arse in short order. Even if you look like Susan Boyle after a nice bout of mudwrestling and have awful table manners, you can still do better than a sexist bully, you know. Treat yourself to some healthy femnisit writing, some self-esteem improvement, and remember that if a man's worth having, he's worth having and enjoyable to be around.

i think i find it exciting. scrap that i know i find it exciting. i find bastards very very exciting.
so i do know it is my own fault and this man is the uber bastard and i knew it would end up with me a mess.

i told myself that it was only a bit of fun and joked to friends that i knew it would end in my tears.

its just that somewhere along the line i allowed myself to believe in it. To think that maybe this was it.

parents relationship was rubbish. Mum was and still is the biggest control freak you can ever meet. Dad is as wet as you can get.

no i do not belive i have ever been put first but then im the eldest of 4 children there isnt time to put people first. Mum was very harsh and not loving at all. all the siblings argeee on this. one is in therapy for it. she never praised us and we were never good enough. we are still never good enough.

with my own children i hug them and kiss them everyday and tell them how much i love them i honesly cannot remember my mother doing this. im sure it happened but i cant remember it. i do remember trying ever so hard to win her approval but falling short all the time. again something that has never changed.

i dont remember my dad doing much with us either.
he wasnt as scathing as mother but he would agree with her. or wasnt there to disagree.

i dont remember.

No matter how many children there are, there is always time to put one of them first for a short wile.

My councilor asked me that question, and do you know, my answe "Well, I was the eldest of three so she didn't really have time to put me first for anything. She was very critical though" is almost verbatim what you just said?

And although I'll get angry with a complete twat, once taken in by one, i can be angry day and night but I still won't end it.

I'm going to tell you about my dad.

he's weak. Pitifully weak. Mardy and whiney. Bone idle. My mum rules him. He's not allowed to set foot out the house without her! Have any part of his life without her, have any friends, I could go on and on but I won't bore you

I found it repugnant. As a child he disgusted me.

When I married, I married a strong minded, stubborn, - some would say controlling - man. The total opposite of my father.

I loathe the amateur psychology thing but I can't help but think that we quite often either go for someone exactly like our dad, or the total opposite.

You really need to understand yourself and your thinking. And to move away from this false idea that a man has to be a bastard in order to be attractive.

well funny that you said the same.

and funny that you say you wont end it no matter how angry you are. you would not belive the number of times i have thought about dumping him. several times i have tried to do it beacuse i knew it was wrong and i was fed up.

but i get talked around to easily and belive i am being silly and over reacting.

and then end up thinking all is ok and its just me.

yes i would never to for a man like my father. NEVER.

the idea of being with someone like that makes me feel sick.

so i chose the most extream opposite.

i dont know how to change my thinking. how can you change what you are attracted to.

and how when in a few weeks he gets back in contact with me do i say no.beacuse i know that despite everthing i wont be able to.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth has it absolutely right. If we have a good father we go for one the same but they never quite live up to our expectations. If we have a bad one, we go for one the same and try and make it better.

She is right, you have a false idea that a man has to be a bastard to be attractive. I went for them all my adult life until I saw the pattern. You say you want what other happy people have - nice doesn't mean boring.

change your number?
Get counselling?

Hell MOVE if you have to!

But you have got to stop allowing yourself to be this man's aid to masturbation.

You need to think more of yourself than to allow yourself to be used so.

I don't like the phrase ''out of my league'' because it hints that we are not good enough. YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! He is not good enough for you more like!

but i dont think i am worth more else someone would have treated me better.

Who?

you said yourself you only go for bastards. Who else have you ever given a chance.

You are still expecting that a bastard will treat you well and are using the fact that they haven't as 'proof' that there's something fundamentally unlovable about you.

but he was so far out of my league. so beyhond anything. and him dumping me just proves that i feel.

i did see a nice man back in march last year. he was nice he took me out for meals and brough me flowers but i just didnt like him though i tried very hard to. I played it safe and didnt sleep with him until the 5th date i thought that maybe that might help me like him. but no and guess what soon as we did that i never heard from him again either.

so he was a bastard discuised as a nice man.

then the year before last i dated someone. again same story. sex quite quickly this time then never heard from him again.

i should just give up.

i just dont know what is wrong with me. why i put up with this crap. i run about doing everything i can to make the other one happy. trying to do everything right and it just gets me nowhere.

worse still is that everyone things im really confident and capable and dont take rubbish from people.and that i can cope with anything. except that is not true at all.

yeah - sleeps with you then walks away. Bastard. You clearly have an extremely effective bastard detector. You'll be picking up on all the little clues without even being aware of it.

And you'll be putting out the clues that tell a bastard that you're easy pickings.

Far out of your league. I want to slap you, you know that?

You say yourself he does this, and he comes back. So it's not so much dumping you, as putting you down for a bit to go play with a different toy, then coming back for you later?

If you really want this to change, the change has to start with you. You have to understand yourself, you have to want something different, you have to feel you deserve more.

You need to think more of yourself and have more confidence.

Easy to say. Bloody hard to do.

If you are running about trying to make the other one happy what kind of balanced relationship is that? You have to stop doing that, it's not being the real person you are - you are trying to be what you think they expect you to be. It's a recipe for disaster.

yes its putting me down for a bit then coming back later. of course i dont know this %100 but he has done it before several times so he could do it again. of course he also might not.

yes the other one was a bastard but he was pretending to be nice. i didnt fancy him and was not attracted to him at all. however about 5 days after he did a runner and never come back i texted him to tell him he was an arse and he did reply to say sorry. and then i thought that if he had asked me out again i would have gone then. because i liked him a little bit more then.

of couse i want something different. i want a man who loves me for who i am. who will do family things and enjoy them but then go out with me and have an excellent time. i know i deserve more. in my head i understand i just cant change the way i react to things.

and im still sad. really really sad.

i dont know how to be any other way.

i just want to make people happy. for them to approve.

for example i would talk on the phone to him at any time. frequently he would call in the middle of the night for a chat. we would talk until 5am. i would say i needed to go as i have to get up at 6.30 and he would get sulky and say that he wanted to talk to me and would be sad if i didnt.

so i would stay up and chat and go to work. look ater children do housework with only a few hours sleep.

beacuse i wanted to make him happy.

I don't accept that you can't change. You can change. You just have to want to change.

I had a massive needle phobia. I discharged myself against medical advice many times, because they wanted to put needles into me! I used to say "I can't help the way I feel" and I'd get angry with my husband who used to tell me to change the way I felt about it. Really REALLY angry. He didn't understand. People can't just say "oh, I think I'll feel differently about it from now on". We had some interesting 'discussions' about it!

Then I needed surgery. Which I couldn't have because of my phobia. And I was prepared to accept death rather than have needles. and saying "I FEEL like this, I can't change the way I feel."

But then I had CBT. Many, many sessions.

and I had the surgery.

And I have 3 monthly vit b12 injections.

And I have blood taken.

You can change the way you feel. It just doesn't happen easily or overnight and it involves you trying.

If you can't change yourself without help, then get help. It's out there. Look, you either get some sort of help ie finding a form of counselling and a counsellor who works for you, or you basically accept that you are going to spend the rest of your life being humped'n'dumped and feeling bad about it.
Yes it's wrong of these men to treat you with so little consideration but I'm afraid you do have to take a bit of responsibility for the fact that you are a) letting them do so rather than saying 'Fuck off, dickface, till you've learned some manners' and b) you are very obviously giving off a signal which says 'I am needy and have no self esteem, feed your ego here by trampling all over mine'.
And I fail to see in what way a selfish, nasty, abusive man could be 'out of your league'. He;s no prize. He's horrible. However good looking or rich he might be, he's an unpleasant person.