been dumped and am sad

[meloncholyinfinatesadness]

been dumped. 9 month relationship. I am very very sad.
I knew when i entered into the relationship that i would end up heartbroken as he was so far out of my league. Now it has happened and im even sadder than what i thought i was going to be.
In my head he is this wonderful person though really he is a bit of an arse and hasnt actually been all that nice to me. I know i deserve better but i think i just wanted someone apparently perfect to love me.
It felt really good for a while that i could get someone like that.
but now its all come crashing down around me and hurts more than when my husband left.

I know im going to miss him an awful lot and im pretty sure that i thought a lot more of the relationship that he did.

I just feel very very upset.

To make matters worse ive been asked out by someone else who is very very interested in me and ive just said yes. but that is only becase im feeling horrible.

I agree with SGB, but I know its very difficult. Just look at what you have typed and read it back. He's so not worth it, urgh! it makes me sick, we have all been there, Sending you my best. I wish I had the answer.

You sound like you have masked the pain of rejection and betrayal by your ex-husband by bagging someone super-cool and elusive. You are feeling shit now because you are undergoing a double-whammy of grief, which has more to do with YOU than what this guy is like.

Get thee some therapy and good female friends. You are not uniquely unloveable- you've just had some bad luck. Now stop feeling sorry for yourself and start giving yourself some credit! You get one life, and unless you are some kind of kiddy-fiddling axe-murderer, you deserve to be happy. So sort it out. It's up to you.

i think super cool and elusive sums him up quite well. he once said, when we were having a bit of a disagreement that he was an iceman and never let it show what he was thinking. then other times he would be all gushy.
gushy when he wanted attention , iceman when he didnt.

i didnt sleep much last night but did realised that i have been asked out by 7 different people in the last 6 months. is that quite a lot? i dont tihnk that is too bad really.

i think i might go on a date this weekend with the 'nice' one. he asked me out before xmas and i said no and he asked again last week. he texted me a few times yesterday and replied really quickly. iceman always took hours to reply if he even replied at all.

yes it is also a double whammy of griefe. i dont think ill ever get over the pain of rejection from my husband. speaking honestly i suspect that it is something ill always carry with me.

Meloncholy - please log on to the website Baggage Reclaim Blog. Its all about men like this and women like you ( and me ) and its soooooooo very helpful.

Have you thought abou spending some time on your own, melancholy? Not rushing into dating someone else or trying for another relationship?

Just taking some time out to work on yourself. It's worth a bit of counselling/therapy to sort this stuff out.

Because really, you need to understand properly why you like these type of men. I think it's pretty obvious, but you need to figure it out for yourself and recognise what you're doing. Otherwise, you're going to repeat the behaviour, over and over again.

For childhood reasons of my own (weak, often absent father/controlling, difficult mother), I have a distinct weakness for your standard alpha male bastard. But once you understand why, the attraction sort of fades away.

Or, if you decide that's still you want, you can find a nice one, without the bastard bit attached, like I did.

I dont mean to be nosey but, how do you manage to get asked out by all these blokes? where do you go to meet them? I cant think its because you sit in every night dwelling on this guy!! you do have to break the pattern though, and you know it. All the good advice in the world isnt going to make an inch of difference, it has to come from you. If you can be brave, I would change your phone number and start dating.

just about really. No where in paticilaur.
i dont sit in everynight.

i looked at that site and that is just so me. the bit that especially rang true was the bit about me being emotionally unavalible. this has been the case since i was about 17 and after a pretty horrendous family time i got through it by just not feeling.
and thats been the patten ever since. im a great friend, im the one you come to for fun. im funny, quirky and the life and soul. i can listen to other people and offer sympathy and give out all sorts of good advice. but for me to talk about MY feelings. i just cant even go there. Making me well up to even think about my own feelings.

i think if i thought about my own feelings i would end up in a heap on the floor and it is possible i would not get up for a very very long time.

the alpha male type is very much my type. though i know it is distarous. its such a strong attraction that its just physical and almost as if i cant do anything to stop it.

i can of course recognise my own behaviour, i am quite self aware. i just dont know how to re programme myself.

the man has not deleted me off his facebook and i can see him online at the momment but i am hiding and so far resisiting contacting him.

I expect this indeed with be another one of those times that he wants to come back within a few days. i just need to not let him.

which is probably the impossible task

I actually think you had a lucky escape, this man sounds ghastly! He has already eroded your self esteem to almost nothing, and you felt lie you were walking on air if he so much as looked in your direction.

You are worth so much more than a bloke that tells you to change to be perfect for him, and only chucks you the odd bone to keep you on the hook as it were.

Ok so you have accepted an invite from a guy that is mad keen on you. See how that goes, perhaps if you are (as I was) useless at picking blokes, then let the bloke pick YOU... it's worth a try, at least you start off from the point of him actually being interested in you...

That guy would have gone on to destroy you, day by day, the controlling and emotional abuse he was displaying would have stripped you into pieces.

You ARE best off out of it. Delete HIM from your FB, delete HIS numbers and don't you dare look back!

I meant to say, that ideally I would recommend a period of time for you to spend without going out with anyone, work out who you are and discover your strengths and your likes and dislikes again. You sound afraid of being alone, don't be. It's peaceful and calm mostly, and absolutely needed after the end of a relationship that has hurt you.

Oh yes and seeing as you HAVE accepted the new guy's invitation... tell us about HIM!!!! let's have some positives and exitement to look forward to....

change your phone. Delete him from FB.

I agree with what everyone has said, but would like to sum it up in a uniquly glaswegian manner - this bloke is a bam, pure and simple :D

I idolised my XP and almost worshipped the ground he walked on, which meant he was casually cruel for years and then dumped me five weeks before our wedding for someone else, who apparently was much more exciting than me and my world collapsed around me.

I took time to get myself on my feet and do the things that made me happy and I forgot that I liked doing in an attempt to make him happy, lost a pile of weight which didn't hurt with the male attention and then turned to the internet to audition for a replacement!!!

It was an audition too, I took my time to get to know men and gave everyone a chance, met some guys I liked who didnt like me, a few the other way round and even got stood up a couple of times, but am now happily shacked up with my DH2B, about to marry in July, it wasn't easy but I would definetly recommend taking time out and remembering the things you like about yourself.