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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do you know your OH's passwords?

102 replies

NikNakPaddyWhak · 13/04/2010 13:16

Do you know your OH's passwords for PC account, emails etc?
Does he/she know yours?
Would you be happy for him/her to have them, if not, why not?

OP posts:

Thediaryofanobody · 13/04/2010 16:40

Neither of us know each others passwords or forum names, there is no need for us to access each others emails etc. Plus we trust each other.

cat64 · 13/04/2010 16:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

WhatDoFlamesDoTheseDays · 13/04/2010 16:45

Not any more.

I couldn't be trusted not to snoop so asked him to change them all.

He knows I am generally flame on here. Probably doesn't know my passwords but could have them if he wanted them.

Kiwinyc · 13/04/2010 16:50

So according to most of these responses, i should share my WORK email passwords and access codes with my DH? And vice versa I assume.

I can't conceive of anything more unprofessional for a start.

Plus, we trust each other too. This seems to be sadly lacking in many relationships here if you feel 'a bit funny' if your partners have any area of their lives at all which is not open access to you. I would also be wondering how strong my relationship was if I couldn't trust my partner enough to allow him some privacy in their communications.

maduggar · 13/04/2010 16:56

I know all his passwords, for online banking, facebook, everything. he also has mine. No reason not to have them.

cat64 · 13/04/2010 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dizietsma · 13/04/2010 17:04

Yeah there is cat64. For example, recently I was on FB and noticed that DH's account had been hacked and was posting spam all over the place. DH was at work and unaware of this, also unable to access the internet, so I went into his account, changed his password and all the other internet passwords that he (stupidly) used the same password for.

Also, in case one of us dies, it's good for the other to know all the passwords.

lou031205 · 13/04/2010 17:05

I know everything, but to be fair, with DH once you know one password you know them all anyway.

birdsandblossoms · 13/04/2010 17:14

we just have the same passwords for everything me dh and ds use them

sayithowitis · 13/04/2010 17:21

Kiwinyc, I don't think anyone has said you should share work password etc with your DH have they? Of course that would be unprofessional.I don't give DH my work info and he doesn't give me his. But then none of that is accessible outside of our workplaces anyway.

As I, and others have already said, just because we can access each others e-mails, doesn't mean we do. I don't remember any law that says you have to do something just because you can. Actually, I think it takes a lot more trust to know that a DH/DP will not open your e-mails even though he can. It is still possible to have privacy without taking steps to ensure he doesn't have access to it. I trust my DH not to nose through my e-mails and he trusts me. But as I also said, I have no problems if he does have a look because I don't say anything to anybody else that I wouldn't say to him. Do you have separate mail boxes at your home? Or do all your letters get posted through the same door? I would no more open DH's e-mails than I would do his post. No difference in my view.

And I have no reason to wonder about how strong our relationship is. Having been married nearly 30 years I know it is strong enough that I have total trust in DH as he does in me.

WhatDoFlamesDoTheseDays · 13/04/2010 17:31

Kiwinyc - I have huge issues with trust and jealousy. Since I've started trying to sort help with that, I can see no reason why I would need DH's passwords for anything

Ladyscratt · 13/04/2010 17:34

Yes, we have a very open and honest relationship and I wouldn't have it any other way. We have a shared account for money. Nothing gets hidden.

StepSideways · 13/04/2010 17:42

We don't know each other passwords, and don't really care either way, if she asks for the password for my email, I'll tell her, but she's never seemed interested since we were engaged in reading my emails... when we were engaged she was very interested in every female name in the list though

Kiwinyc · 13/04/2010 18:06

Sayithowitis - Seems to me that many appear to interpret: Not sharing passwords/pins = equals secrets. I simply don't agree that this is the case.

WhatDoFlamesDoTheseDays - I agree with you, although am beginning to think that having the passwords to DH's bank accounts would be nice! . I do love your Mumsnet name though!

dizietsma · 13/04/2010 18:10

"Seems to me that many appear to interpret: Not sharing passwords/pins = equals secrets."

You may scoff, but I have (sadly) personal experience of this being the case. Pretty much every thread about an affair on MN involves one person keeping internet passwords secret from OH, mobiles password locked etc.

Kiwinyc · 13/04/2010 18:19

ok, i'm sorry for your experience.

But i can't/won't divulge my work passwords and neither would I expect DH to.

Therefore we're keeping 'secrets' from each other aren't we?

Therefore because our marriage is going to crumble isn't it?

Would just like some people to keep some perspective....

LisaD1 · 13/04/2010 18:21

DH knows mine (as I use the same for everything - much to his horror!), I don't know any of his, for emails etc, have never asked, or wanted to know (even if I read them I wouldn't understand as they are way too techy for me). I'm sure if I REALLY wanted to know he would tell me, at least I hope he would!

Bank is joint acct so access not a problem.

WhatDoFlamesDoTheseDays · 13/04/2010 18:25

An affair will not happen because you have your emails private.

It will not be prevented from having access to all passwords.

Changes in either direction are not warning signs of infidelity.

dizietsma · 13/04/2010 18:27

"But i can't/won't divulge my work passwords and neither would I expect DH to."

Eh? What are you on about? Never said anything about work passwords. It's not like I'm gonna go into DH's work and look through his PC, that's just weird.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 13/04/2010 18:32

Of course spouses shouldn't know work passwords - how odd, did anyone suggest that?

Flames, I agreed with everything until your last statement. Changes from openness to secrecy are actually a pretty good clue that something is up.

Haven't we had enough responses to this before the OP comes back and tells us what this is really about?

dizietsma · 13/04/2010 18:35

"An affair will not happen because you have your emails private.

It will not be prevented from having access to all passwords.

Changes in either direction are not warning signs of infidelity."

See, the first two statements are, in my experience, true. Last one though, I would take issue with. If your partner is normally open about stuff and suddenly gets all secretive, changes passwords to ones you don't know and gets all uppity about privacy, that's a warning sign.

WhatDoFlamesDoTheseDays · 13/04/2010 18:39

There are a whole load of other explanations for putting passwords on things though.

Believe me - I have been through so many "is he having an affair" warning signs lists, pretty much anything seems to be a sign of an affair.

Kiwinyc · 13/04/2010 18:40

I'm addressing the generalisations about having to have open access to everything about your DP (which would have to include work, right?) otherwise you might as well give up on your marriage.

Anyway, this just leads into a debate about what constitutes a 'secret' in a relationship and the affect of 'secrets' in relationships which has been discussed enough. Everyone has their own boundaries and interpretation of privacy.

WhatDoFlamesDoTheseDays · 13/04/2010 18:41

I should stress that I have huge issues, so I am looking at the whole thing from a very different angle than most people.

HappyWoman · 13/04/2010 18:46

I think i know all my h passwords - but i know there are some work ones i could not access - it would have info about his staff.

i think he knows mine too - and he can always ask. Again i could not allow him to see some of my work due to confidentially.

We actually have passwords in a folder on the computer - not very safe but it is so infuriating sometimes there are just too many to remember - some need capitals some need numbers - although i do try and always use the same .

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