MIL... ggggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[Clairebear82]

I apologise in advance if this is an all to regular problem, but my mil is driving me insane!!!!
We live, literally, just down the road from her and she is all over our relationship. Anything from where to do the shopping, getting new funrniture etc. Even stupid little things like keeping birthday cards up for exactly one week after, you know?
But, my main annoyance is how she gets about our children.
If we don't go down everyday, she'll ring up wanting to know why we didn't go. When we do go, she's there waiting with a tissue to blow dd nose and a wet wipe to wash her hands and face. DD hasn't had milk in a bottle in our house since she was 2 (shes now 3 and a half), but up until lately shes still been having milk in a bottle in my mils. It took 6 weeks to stop her giving dd a bottle. At first she point blank refused to stop, then when sil an fil told her to stop it she did.... but only while we were there. If she had dd on her own, she'd give dd the bottle. We caught her doing it a couple of times and she just laughed at it. She only stopped giving her the bottle when dp threw the bottle in the bin (after I'd 'nagged' him about it). There was also a very similar incident with the dummy. She also has to feed dd everything. At the minute I'm at the 'getting ignored phase' about not doing that. Then on sunday when we went round for a roast (which is a weekly requirement ) I sat dd down in the chair at the table and said to mil she can feed herself (which is a big thing for me because I'm confrontational about anything at all!!), what did mil do?.... she moved dd and the chair closer to her and fed her!!!!! Whenever I mention anything to Dp about his mum, he just rolls his eyeballs and says 'oh, not this again', then goes on about how much 'I hate his mum and thats not fair after everything shes done for us' making me feel guilty. I don't hate his mum btw, just how wound up I get because she doesn't seem to have any respect for my dicisions as a parent. I could go on, but I think I've ranted on looooooong enough!! Any advice on how to kill handle her.... and cutting the apron strings while I'm at it?

Just. don't. go.

Don't go down. Let her ring. Let her ask why you haven't come to her house. Tell her why.

Sweet feck. I do not know how you put up with this. ITS ABSOLUTE MADNESS!!!

I don't know how you can put the brakes on it now. You say your husband says that she has done a lot of you - that's partly the problem - the more people do for you the more they think they can interfere and the harder it is to tell them to get stuffed.

I would be looking to move house to be honest, I would not have my children alone at her house and I would announce that the visiting would in future be to a mutually convenient schedule. Don't ask her to do anything for you. And tell your partner his loyalty should now be to you and your family.

Lower your contact with her and don't give her the detail of what you've done each day. She's too engulfing for you and the only way to deal with this is to withdraw slightly.

(Withdraw to 'no contact at all' may well be preferable but not practical )

On her blatant ignoring of you and feeding of DD in front of you, you need to stand up to her, firmly. Treat her like she's a four year old as this is how she's behaving. By that I mean say, "perhaps you didn't hear me, DD can feed herself" then move DDs chair back. Reinforce it by saying "if listening to me, as her mum, is going to be a problem for you then we won't be coming around". She's sulk, whine, but realise than she's stepped across a boundary if you stay firm.

Pick your battles. You could alienate your DH if you clamp down to hard on her. If eg she feeds you DD too much chocolate, ignore it. Your MIL is looking for attention and wants your reaction. She will calm down once she sees you don't react.

Oh, let her know you're going out for Sunday dinner (don't give her details), be it a picnic, pub or soft play, wherever.

You and your family need some room. She's too dominating at the moment.

Mrs Boogie has some good advice, is moving house an option?

Sounds like my Mother! Always knows 'best' and never listens, sticking her nose in, etc..
We stopped going round as much. Sadly I don't have a MIL, so this all my kids have for a Gran.

Didn't want to read and run. But I hear you. It's awful how consuming it can become. Maybe we can be a support for each other. As moving house isn't an option for us either. We're literally stuck.

I posted recently about similar things.

here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/941291-Issues-with-in-laws-do-I-raise-the-issues-or

Hope it helps to know you are not alone

The feeding thing is very odd. Ds is 5 and a half and yet mil still sometimes tries to feed him.

My sister is a grandmother and she said that you want to try and keep your grandchildren babies forever because you know that its the last chance you will get. It is very annoying.

My MIL did both the bottle and the feeding thing and she is generally very nice and not too interfering.

With the bottle thing I took it out of her cupboard and took it home. She wasn't supposed to be using it so couldn't ask for it back. She never replaced it.

As far as her insistance on feeding DD just didn't eat with them for ages and when she asked told her I wasn't prepared to be undermined. She apologised.

As thedollshouse said I think my MIL is just trying to hold on to DD being a baby as long as possible but lunacy has steadily tailed off over time.

This was us but with FIL, blatantly ignored stuff I had said and tried to over-ride my authority. It was always little stuff but we decided enough was enough.

eg, they had a bowl of fruit on a very low shelf so my toddler goes to squeeze and destroy touch it, I say no touching the bananas, my FIL says "no, it's ok he can touch it" err No he can't because I said NO.

There were loads of these where either I or dh said something and FIL went against our wishes in front of our faces, so we had one hell of a row about it, him refusing to back down. Ending in us leaving.

It is harder for you as you are geographically closer but you need to set ground rules now. You need to ask your MIL how she would have felt if her MIL did this to her. It is the way we did it with our PIL.

Trust me I know it isn't easy, we have had 2 major rows with my PIL. Practise what you are going to say, she is your daughter and you decide when she can feed herself. Had it have been me and she had pulled the chair closer to her I would have picked up dd and left. Actions speak louder than words.

I would have a bigger problem with your DH. He is not supporting you, or taking any of your concerns seriously and he should be.

Your MIL is a loon, but your DH has to back you up on your issues with how she treats you. The main point is as you say, that she disrespects your parenting decisions and undermines your authority whenever possible - this is an unacceptable situation and your DH should be asking telling his parents to respect your authority as a parent.

He should be on YOUR side and he should be SUPPORTING YOU, not behaving like a spoilt little boy. Tell him to man up!

I'm so with you on this! My in-laws are very 'helpful' as well to the point of suffocation! There are many days I think if they wanted another child they should have had one and not try to bring up mine for me!

Its so difficult but could you begin by breaking the pattern that seems to have formed. I don't always answer the phone, I figure its my house and therefore I chose who and when I want to talk to someone (I know this is a bit pig headed but its survial). Why see her every day! What would ahappen if maybe, shock horror, you were busy one day! Or out, or not contactable. Why go round every week for sunday dinner? Take a week off, just say you have other plans.

I also have started saying outright if I agree or not, but in a nice way. If MIL does something I don't agree with I say something like 'oh why do you think that?' or 'why do you do that?'.

As for DS well it has been known for me to point that I am his mother and therefore I will decide what happens what happens with him.

Don't be scared to do what you want especially in your own home! Try and break the dependance, it won't happen over night but it can be done.

and Kiwinyc is very right! Your DH needs to give his head a shake and man up! You and his children are his priority.

"Even stupid little things like keeping birthday cards up for exactly one week after, you know?"

No, I don't know.

That's the craziest fucking thing I've ever heard - your partners mother has an opinion on how long you leave up birthday cards for in YOUR OWN HOUSE?

Move, move, move. Get away from her. She is poison.

But more to the point - what kiwinyc said.

I would seriously consider leaving somebody who expected me to put up with being bossed around like this by his mother.

Yellow - love your style- I will learn your way.

Ihave similar mil and as others have said - it's up to dh to sort out. Mine sadly doesn't so will go with the treat her like a 4 year old (which she is in terms of her emotional behaviour) and get rid.

Your family set up is unhealthy- mil is present EVERY day and sunday lunch with her EVERY week. You need to gently withdraw from this - plenty of contact is good but bet your bottom dollar you see mil more than your dh - who needs to grow some actually.

As does mine. I'm not in your situation but only for the fact that mil lives abroad. If we were in the same country she'd be living with us - and only reason she hasn't yet come to live with us anyhow is that I refuse to buy a house (and it's down to me) as I know the minute we have a third bedroom - she'll be in it.

I don't know how you don't hate your mil. Tackle both her and your dh.

Sooner rather than later.

Easy to consider leaving someone like this but my dh is from a culture where this mil style is the rule and not the exception.

Also important to consider - while your DH allows his parents to undermine you, this gives them tacit permission to continuing behaving exactly how they are.

So you're going to have to tackle your DH's behaviour first as the problem is as much with him first, your IL's second.

Finally, you have the right to set your own boundaries - Arrange other activities during the week, tell your DP that seeing his parents every week is too much, that you only want it to be once a month - you have the right to take ownership of your schedule and not be at the beck and call of anyone else.

I'm with skidoodly though - i couldn't stand it if my DH didn't back me up in every way possible.

giveitago made a good point, does your DP see his mother every day? If he thinks she should see DD everyday he can sort it out.

You need to stand up to her, she is dominating you far too much.

Your DP needs to grow a pair as well.

you see her EVERY DAY????!!! how is this possible? do you not have stuff to do? does she not have stuff to do?

tomorrow do not go round. when questioned you tell her you were BUSY.

i would not put up with this. in fact. on sunday send your DH with the kids. you will be BUSY.

Queen - no my mil is abroad but dh is her mouthpiece. What's ridiculous is that she undermines me when here (and she stays for long periods of time) but also when not here via dh - bonkers as she's trying to bring ds up like in her country which has a completely different timetable and education system from here - dh has lived here 17 years so should know what it's like in the UK.

Yep, my dh needs to grow a pair but doesn't want to. Luckily I have enough pairs for everyone - LOL.

But the OP is being undermined more than me (as dh knows ultimately that he hasn't got a bloody clue and so defers everything to me but just tries to undermine on behalf of his mum - not great but I can just about deal) -= mil seeing them EVERY DAY it's part of her family life.
I'd be interested to know if op's family are as much involved. I don't like the sound of her dp actually as my dp is under mum's thumb (common in his part of the world) but he sort of inside knows it doesn't do him or anyone else much good even though he likes to also moan that I don't like his family but Op's dh seems to use this an excuse to keep the status quo - maybe her dp should see his mum every day and for every sunday lunch and the op can just go off with the kids and have a laugh.

Don't send kids with dh - send him alone - he's the only one that benefits.

No giveitago, you've taken me up wrong. The first point was that you had made a good point the rest of my post was aimed at the op!

I think you're doing incredibly well.. my number one tip would always be don't ever, ever let that sort of interference undermine your own confidence as a mother. But you seem to be managing that which is amazing under the circs.

The other thing, is when you do start standing up for yourself a bit more, expect a bit of passive aggression, it's in the script. "I was only trying to help".. "There's no need to get funny about it" .."I'm not doing any harm".. "She likes it like this with her grandma" and so on and so forth.

People have suggested really good ways of dealing with it, which is calmly calling her on it. Very calmly and firmly, and as a last resort, "yes but I don't want you to" over and over.

Someone once suggested on one of these threads saying" "Oh absolutely" every time advice was offered and then doing exactly what you want to do yourself.

eg "Doesn't she need x y or z" .."Oh absolutely" .. and not doing anything about it. Lovely suggestion. After the millionth "oh absolutely" she will give up..

Not much advice but I wish you strength. It sounds like she won't cave quietly and you might need it.

ps second all the advice on dh. If he won't stick up for you, make it clear that you will be taking your own road in dealing with her and will not accept any criticism from him.

Oh I agree with the others, you need to find something to do, every day for the next couple of weeks. It is possible. Just be out.

I would also go with asking her if she didn't hear you if she does something you have just told her not to. Don't wait for DP to stop her, do it yourself. If you have to go round for Sunday lunch, can you position it so that she's not sat next to DD?

ps have had the feeding thing too -- break point came when I sat through a Sunday lunchtime chez mil, with food gradually covering more and more of my child's head, body and clothes after I pushed the highchair purposefully as far away as possible from all of us at the table, saying "she can feed herself". And stared into space as we ate.

At the end she was totally slimed. Food everywhere, utterly disgusting. "Filthiest child I have ever seen" was the verdict at the end. I saw it as a grim victory. It was the only way I could say "I don't care what you think" without actually saying it.

I stood up to my MIL and the response I got was I was not welcome anymore, but my dh and little girl were without me. Thank god my dh stood up to her too without me to prompt him, that was 3yrs ago she now has 2 grand daughters who she makes no attempt to see!!!, I don't feel like we have lost anything she made no attempt to come see us in our home it was always us chasing after her. My point is you need to think about what your getting out of your relationship with your inlaws, the way she is under minding you is BANG out of order and if you don't want to rock the boat your dh should be speaking up on your behalf.

Queen - ah - I got the wrong end of the stick but honestly I'm a real bloody push over with mil just for a quiet life.

OP needs to deal with her dh and her mil right now as that doesn't seem to be much of family - op's role seems like that of child minder who the boss is trying to train. Not nice at all.
An extreme case.
What was the good point that I made - cannot see it at all - lol!

And yes the post that said that mil will get passive agressive is probably right as she's got away with this stuff for sooo long.