Issues with in-laws - do I raise the issues or DH?

[BirdFromDaNorf]

I have ongoing, long term issues with inlaws, who are very critical of our parenting, life choices, how we spend our time/money - everything. It is in their nature to tell us both and DH younger sister what to do, how to do it, where and when.

I've had a number of stand offs with MIL, and a couple with FIL over everything from them telling us who should and should not be invited to the wedding, what flowers I should have, to how I should feed our babies (carnation milk in a bottle is the preferred route for their taste) and how I should not tell DS off, for running away from me. In front of our DS's.

DH and I argue about who/how/when/where to deal with this, every few months and I just wonder, how do we end this? It's not what I want for the rest of my life with DH. It affects our marriage.

For context, PIL have a lot of money and MIL has threatened DH before - if you do x you won't see a penny of my money. I think this is on his mind - as for me, I've come from a make your own life/money/home so it's not an issue. And DH's birth dad died when he was 18 months old, and MIL has reminded DH in front of me, that "she could have had him adopted, but didn't" and that when everyone else has gone - his sister, his step dad, me, the boys - it will just be her and DH at the end of the day. The power. I can't compete with it. And I don't want to.

Is it up to me to fix this? Or DH? Or both of us. I can't avoid them as we live next door to them - not attached, but next door. Playing in the garden with DS's always involves them coming out and I just want to avoid them altogether.

What do you think?

[rainbowinthesky]

I'd move house to begin with. What on earth are you doing living next door? No matter how nice they are this is too close for anoyone.

[Miggsie]

Um, a bit controlling are they not?

You can't fix them. At a fair guess I'd say both the parents were borderline personality disorder for controlling behaviour.

All you can really do is present a united front and say "don't criticise us in front of DCs"
"This is our life, this is how we are living it"
and
"it's your money, we are not hanging around for your money, we don't care who you leave it to"

Their heads will explode at this, don't be surprised.

and move house...

I think the book "toxic parents" and "toxic inlaws" may be required reading for you as well.

If they were not related to you, would you even consider speaking to them?

[BirdFromDaNorf]

Rainbow - DH had the house when I met him. I had a flat, so we kept his house.

Miggsie - If I were not related to MIL I would not want to know her. I have discussed with DH that she is not a nice person. He basically agrees, but says "at the end of the day, she is my mum, what do I do" and comments on how he owes her a lot for keeping him for those ten years whilst she was on her own.

I just get drawn into competing and I'm banging my head against a brick wall here, as I'm never going to "win". I don't know what winning would look or feel like - actually, I do. It would be people not telling me how to parent, how to run my business, how to hang my washing out, how to feed our boys.

My parents go the other way in light of this and when I/we ask for opinion they don't want to give it as they feel we get so much from other people.

Is there really a book - "toxic parents" and "in-laws". I'm off to look. Ta

Do I need the help? To learn to ignore them? DH and his sister do just that - they just say "yeah yeah" and then do what they want but I'm not into that, I can't let it wash over me. It offends me. Their racism, homophobia, and MIL's I'm best mum, person, nanna ever shit just GRATES ON ME.... arrrrggghhh

[rainbowinthesky]

It sounds incredibly suffocating and very difficult to make it better for you. Is there no chance you could move (far)?

[FabIsGettingThere]

You and DH need to be solid together and then sort out babysitters for the kids and then tell them they are bullying and threatening over money, etc and you are not going to play the game.

[Miggsie]

Bird, you cannot "win" against people such as you describe.
All you can do it mentally distance yourself from them and never engage with them or react. They are just looking to stir things up, demonstrate control, belittle and humilate others as they basically are emotionally damaged people.

My granny was like that to my mum and dad and dad said exactly the same thing "she's my mum, what can you do" while my mother was going mad with all the put downs and "X proves you are a bad mother" remarks (my brother's eczema and asthma was all my mother's fault, as were my teenage spots apparently!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

I hope those books help.

Granny was a bitch, she spent all her money on world cruises in her later years and boasted how she would "leave nothing to her children" to all and sundry.

Wasn't that nice?

[BirdFromDaNorf]

Rainbow - can't afford to move at the moment. It's gotten to the point where DH accepts it's needed, but we can't get our head around the fact that we will move to somewhere not so nice or smaller to get away from it. Seems silly when I type right now, but when in the middle of it, I just want to scoop us all up and run away...

Fab - I don't think my DH actually would do it. I don't like to think that he doesn't have the balls fo rit. But he hasn't. Or rather, when he has had it out with them in the past, he's caved and gone to make it up, in tears, because he doesn't like things to be "not right"...

Miggsie - I'm seeing someone now, who I talk it through with. She's working on me becoming so strong in myself, so confident of everything that I am and have and want to be, that it will bounce off me, as I can't change them. But I can change how it affects me. It's going to take a long time, but I'm committed to it.

Miggsie - you wrote granny was a bitch - witch also comes to mind. Not nice at all.

[Nemofish]

My lovely mil once said, 'cor, your mum is a bitch.' She was right, but it's hard to hear, I know how your dh must feel.

So sad that he feels that he owes her for not getting rid of him / having him adopted because his bio father passed away. What kind of mother would do that to her child?

My mother always rammed it down my throat that she could have given me away, but out of the sheer kindness of her own heart, she kept me and fed me and clothed me and I should be falling over myself with gratitude. And while I appreciate how hard it must have been for her, I do not believe that I have somehow been a burden to be suffered for my mother - her decision to have me.

Could your dh get some counselling too?

[RudeEnglishLady]

We had an old relative like that, always on about all her money and trying to get attention and control everyone by saying she would leave Cousin X this and that but Aunty Z would get nothing etc. She was a nasty piece of work and I wouldn't go near her. Well, she died and left nothing but a dirty house and a pile of old clothes. All the money was was spent or imagined -there were some pretty disappointed relatives who'd swallowed a lot of her crap over the years expecting a reward. Hope this doesn't happen to your DH.

[giveitago]

Wow - that is difficult - so she raised dh for 10 years on her own - he doesn't owe her - she was the adult - he was her child.

Get yourselves as independent of her and fast and do not assume dh will be cut off - as someone else said there might not be anything for him to inherit anyhow.

[Miggsie]

It sounds like the MIL is the type who wants people to be "grateful" and enslaved to her so she can exercise power. There is no love, it is all power.

These types always pick on their children because children are forced to be dependent and "grateful", how can they not be? Children who have been conditioned in this way rarely question their abusive parent. My dad never EVER stood up to his mum (my horrid granny)much to the mortification of my mother. It caused ructions in my parent's maarriage in later life. Only now, at 85, will my father admit his mother wasn't a nice person. It is sad as he missed out on so many things as his mother used to stop his chances (he won a scholarship to a prestigious school and she said "you don't want to bother with that" and stopped him going).

She could not bear ANYONE to have more than her, or be better off than her and she manipulated everyone around her to be "grateful". She used to give away furniture and food all the time. Not because she was kind or generous, but because people was then beholden to her, and would say how wonderful she was. She treated her own children like dirt, but only the family saw that. There was this great myth around her about how nice she was, how generous she was, how well off she was...she loved that, she fed off it.

Don't even think you can deal with the MIL as a rational person, becuase she isn't. She will see people as those she can patronise, or those she must bring down so she can be the dominant force in any gathering/situation. That is her motivation. The best you can hope for is avoid engaging with them very often, and not taking it personally.

If your MIL is like my granny she will start manipulating her grand children at some point, telling them how crap their parents are. This happened when I was about 7 or 8 as I recall.

[fluffles]

move NOW!

rent a house and rent yours out - it's not that tricky really if yours is in anyway desirable, you can get an acency to do all the hard work of the renting.

by renting you don't need to find the 'perfect' house - just somewhere you can live for a while as you sort out your lives and look for somewhere more permanently.

honestly, i would be out of there so fast.. hopefully with a bit of physical distance you can work on setting new ground rules for your relationship.

[mrsboogie]

Move house, your marriage and happy family life is worth more than any money she would leave him.

And as for being grateful that she didn't have him adopted? what a fucking crock! she was his mother - he didn't ask her to have him - it was her choice - why the hell should he be grateful??

JUST MOVE!

[diddl]

We moved abroad!

My husband has always said the only thing that would ever split us up is his parents.

We don´t bother to discuss them now.

He is an only child and although they have never threatened to cut him off he is assuming that he will get nothing as his "punishment" for moving abroad & not visiting every year.

If your MIL goes first your husband might get nothing anyway.
Or she might need it all for nursing home fees.

She´s his mother yes, but that doesn´t mean he should let her treat you all like sh!t.

If possible I would move & have no/minimal contact.