Aspergers - I don't think I can live with it

[QueenofOlympia]

I have been living with my partner for 2 years and all that time I have simply thought he was ignorent, self centered and downright rude. We recently found out that he has aspergers.

I'm torn between feeling guilty that I never supported him or showed him any understanding and also knowing that I don't want to live with it anymore.

I know it's awful to leave someone because they suffer from a condition but I can't help the way I feel.

I mean, I look at other couples and see them laughing and joking, talking, co-operating and then there's me and DP.

He can't take a joke - doesn't even register that you ARE joking most of the time.

Never listens to a word anyone says and quite often just interupts them mid-sentance because he's decided he needs to speak.

He outright ignores people or just starts to walk away whilst they're still talking.

He's rude, says the most horrible things without even realising he's upsetting you.

I just keep thinking "do I want to spend my life like this?" wouldn't it be nice to be with someone I can have a laugh with ... someone I can say something to and have him laugh with me rather than just reacting with a "umm" sound? To be able to discuss things with someone rather than just getting a "yeah, have you seen my phone?" response to an otherwise important comment ...

Does anyone else live with a partner with aspergers? do you miss the normal social interactions you'd get with perhaps someone else? Do you feel frustrated when it seems he's incapable of thinking about anyone but himself?

I can understand how hard it must be but how on earth did you end up living with him in the first place????

You don't have to put up with a personality that doesn't work with yours, whether it is caused by something with a medical name or just by being a twat.

Who knows, he might be a jerk even without the Aspergers. It's not an excuse.

And I second Buda's question - how did you come to live with someone who you "simply thought was ignorent, self centered and downright rude"?

I have a friend who was married to a bloke with Aspergers for years - she didn't know it for ages though, he was diagnosed in his 30s. It just wore her down - although he did have better social skills and sense of humour than your DP seems to, from your description - and after their DS was born she found it much harder to tolerate so they ended up divorcing. Sad though - but he has a new partner and they seem very happy (she has also since remarried).

If you feel now that you can't handle it, then you probably need to let him go and find someone who can - it's not going to be fair on either of you to keep going with it when you're feeling constant resentment, even if you know there is a medical reason for it, because eventually the resentment will outweigh the love and you will split anyway - and that could take years.

Hope you can work out whether or not he is worth fighting your inner resentment for.

ok separate the person from the 'syndrome' Do you love that person? Do they give you what you need on most levels?

Ditch him, and I say that as someone with AS (probably)

this also could explain why I don't have a partner! Though I hope I'm not that horrible.

Seriously, life's far too short. He'd prob be happier on his own anyway.

yes you are not his nurse you are his wife

I think maybe the trouble is, when someone is just being an arse, they might change (unlikely but)

and once you have a diagnosis, it means it's definitely inherently part of their make up and therefore even LESS chance they will become a nicer person

there's no recognised treatment or cure for aspergers, so really it must feel rather hopeless.

as I do at times

someone please shoot me now

He didn't seem like that at first, or maybe I just didn't notice?! I really can't explain.

I remember the first date we went out for a meal and he just sat there very quiet. I assumed he was shy so struck up conversation about holidays. Found out he'd never been out of the country but he said he "really wanted to travel". So naturally I asked him where he'd like to go and he replied "I don't know, I've never really thought about it". I shouldve known something was up then. He went on to copy everything I said (For instance I said I wanted to go to Thailand, suddenly, so did he).

I don't know, he seemed to try very hard to mask it at first and I admit I was just stupid and rushed into things. I started seeing signs of odd behaviour quite early on. For instance I'd start talking to him and he'd stand there with an odd smirk on his face. I knew he hadn't heard or registered a word I'd said so I'd start to repeat it ... then he'd make a "gun" with his hands and pretend to shoot me. Half the time I lost my temper very quickly and shouted at him "are you fucking nuts or something? I'm trying to speak to you" and he'd apologise but do the same thing again.

So I always had this thing in my mind that "halg on, maybe he's not being an arsehole, maybe there is actually something wrong with him?" and I suppose that's what kept me there. I stupidly thought I'# could help him change,

Sorry Fliight, I hope I'm not coming across as someone completely intolerant. Really, I'm not. If DP was just a friend or whatever, I'd be fine with it. It's when you're living with it though that it becomes impossible. I suspect my son may have slight aspergers but it's so hard to get a proper diagnosis.

See the thing with all this is, like someone else pointed out - when I thought he was just beinga prick, there was hope there I could change things. Now, I find out he's never going to change and I'm left with the dilema - do I want this for the rest of my life?

He sounds incredibly odd. There were alarm bells ringing all over the place.

I'm sure it didn't feel that obvious at the time though, you poor thing

How did you get him assessed ... did he agree to it?

No no please don't worry, thatw as just me being daft...I have an odd sense of humour, as well - but thankfully I don't pretend to shoot people very often

is your son his son as well?

It's very sad but yes, I really think you need to get shot of this relationship. It's doing you no good and you know you want out, what's the point of staying - making you so unhappy.

Good luck, I mean it xx

Looking back, I just wish I'd picked up on the alarm bells instead of being blind to everything. I'd say something to him and he'd close his eyes and say "ummmm" (as if to say "for gods sake, shut up, I don't care" and one time I snapped and said "look, if I bore you that much, why are you with me??" and he looked quite shocked and said "what?? what have I done??" as if he couldn't even remember doing it.

Just last week he said something to me along the lines of "oh I'm not sure if you could do that actually, my ex found it difficult and she was intelligent so if she couldn't do it, you certainly couldn't." My reaction was pretty obviously and involved the words "cheeky" and "bastard" and he looked genuinly shocked and said "what?? I was just saying! why are you in a mood over that? I'm just trying to help"

Another example would be "yes that top does look nice, but remember that model is slim so it won't look the same on you". Err yeah, thanks for that ...

He did agree to being assessed and although we don't actually have an official diagnosis, he ticked every one of the boxes. Half the time though, I still can't help wondering if he looks for excuses all the time. He's now trying to blame his bad English on Aspergers, his weight problems, his relationships with food ...

Another thing is that he's incredibly dishonest. For instance his dad has just got a lump sum from his pension and has offered to buy DP a new laptop. He said he will give him £400 to buy a good one. DP then said to me later "I'm considering telling dad that I've got a laptop and just spending the money on something else!" with a huge grin on his face. I said "You cannot do that! I won't allow it, I'll tell him infact. Its dishonest". He replied with "yes, it is isn't it. I won't do that" like a robot.

No DS isn't DPs and his symptoms are nowhere near as severe. He just finds it very difficult to make friends, insists on only doing what HE wants to do and if its a choice between playing on his own or compromising, he'd play on his own.

He also comes out with a few inapropriate comments (such as "Sorry you didn't get a good mark on your Sats, Dave ... but you do have to be clever for this kind of thing"

Or "Do you have to buy clothes for older kids, with you being quite large I mean?" (god DS ... please stop before I get punched!"

He's alot better with that though now and thinks before he speaks.

I couldn't live with it either. Don't feel too bad. If you have emotional needs that your partner cannot meet, that's the way it is - regardless of the reasons why they can't.

Have a look on the Aspie thread. Mine was hopelessly dishonest, too, and I've since realised he fits all the criteria for NPD [sigh]!

Don't give up, Fliight Aspie personalities vary as much as NTs and you sound very sweet! You never know, you might meet an equally nice Aspie - or an NT man with limited emotive/communication needs (plenty of them around, heh.)

Since learning about Asperger's, I've met loads of really likeable Aspies. They were by no means all self-centred arseholes ... to be fair, though, they could all seem that way

Did you look at the other thread also?

chat about Aspergers DHs

To the others who asked: Most Aspies can act 'normal' but it puts them under tremendous stress. It's not that unusual for someone to make the effort while they're dating ... But they literally can't keep it up, it would make their brain fry.

I overlooked a lot of signs when I was seeing XH#2. I can spot them now, but I didn't know about Asperger's then. I just thought he was ... socially clumsy.

See DP isn't even good with kids. He is worse with his kids than he is with me. He ignores them, shouts at them, critises them - One time he had a go at his daughter (who was 13 at the time) VERY loudly infront of her friends that she smelt and had really bad BO and needed to use more deoderant. I cringed for her.

I don't get cuddles or hugs unless he wants sex. Sex is robotic. He does the same things with foreplay everytime like it's a chain of events that we must go through before we have intercourse. Needless to say I avoid it when I can.

He CONSTANTLY critises me yet won't have a word said against himself. If I cook, he will stand there next to me and just critisise non stop about every little thing. I don't tend to critisise much, especially if someone has cooked ME a meal but one time, after a particulary stressful day he asked me what I thought of his stir fry. I thought "sod it, why should I always walk on egg shells, he'd think nothing of critisising mine" so I said quite nicely "oh, it's nice but it could have done with more sauce ... " - well, he was in a mood all night.

He jumps down my throat if I dare say anything against him.

Last night I asked if he minded me watching "Holiday Showdown". He said "no, as long as you will watch Dr Who with me afterwards" I said fair enough ...

So we watched Holiday Showdown and afterwards I handed him the remote, glanced at the clock and simply said "oh btw, what time did you want to put that DVD on?" so he SNAPPED "we're watching Dr Who now!!"

It's constant eggshells. Its tiring.

What's your partner's view on all this Queen?

If youre not suited, leave

People with AS are not rude in the way others are as they dont get it. That does not mean he doesnt amke hurtful comments, albeit without intention.

Likewise his SOH and social skills.

you can get support from th NAS and I understand Relate have counsellors who know about AS coiuples 9as does amazon books wise) but if youa re unhappy leave.

XH#2 was so bloody sensitive, I wore myself out finding 'acceptable' ways to say important things. He knew he had difficulty with personal interactions & used to ask my advice ... I spent a whole week thinking up an expression he wouldn't find offensive. You or I would say "emotionally illiterate" but he'd only hear the "illiterate" part and go into meltdown, followed by extended sulking. I eventually landed on "socially under-informed". He was so thrilled with that, I had to write it down for him

Before I realised he was actually malicious, I wrote a long long thread about him here. All in all, though, the NPD thread in these forums is more useful for me

OK I am going to have to be careful with what I say as some of the words used to describe as people have been judgeental but equally I can understand that anger I guess but if I say the wrong thing at least you know why- I have an as child, mother, probably am myself and am doing an ma in asd. However I was also engaged to someone with ASS and left him becuase of the way it manifested in him.

People wit5h AS who are not diagnosed until adulthood often dont get the help needed to learn social skills, sadly when we were kids AS wasnt known (early 90's).

There is actually help out there0 and whilst tbh you sound as if your relationship is ovrer, the one with your children is not so it may be worth a shot; the nAS in Wales offe ra peson ewohelp support people like your SP. I wonder if they do with your area? Owryh an email? Their clients are varied from youngsters entering work to coiuples to people in resi homes as older people

The key skills imo are:

know your own boundaries and at what point you have to go

Look into functional analysis- which is really a way of using knowledge os ASD to understand the reasons for bahaviours.

get him to access support.

Some of teh stuff you ahve typoed I might have done- teh DVD for example, if its ahgrd for the person to understand tone of voice / motibvation it could sound as if you were trying to renege on the deal. OTOH he cannot be allowed to constantly criticise and as someone with AS has a notrmal intellifence level he can learn to stop that if he chooses.

And oyu know whilst I understand the embarassment at comments such as the one about older kids- sometimes it cannot be helped and it is somehting I ahve to live with for ds1. You don't Hvae to live with itm, but it is worth understanding I think that isn't a choice, it is bog standard ASpie behaviour. And not meant unkindly.