Aspergers - I don't think I can live with it

[QueenofOlympia]

I have been living with my partner for 2 years and all that time I have simply thought he was ignorent, self centered and downright rude. We recently found out that he has aspergers.

I'm torn between feeling guilty that I never supported him or showed him any understanding and also knowing that I don't want to live with it anymore.

I know it's awful to leave someone because they suffer from a condition but I can't help the way I feel.

I mean, I look at other couples and see them laughing and joking, talking, co-operating and then there's me and DP.

He can't take a joke - doesn't even register that you ARE joking most of the time.

Never listens to a word anyone says and quite often just interupts them mid-sentance because he's decided he needs to speak.

He outright ignores people or just starts to walk away whilst they're still talking.

He's rude, says the most horrible things without even realising he's upsetting you.

I just keep thinking "do I want to spend my life like this?" wouldn't it be nice to be with someone I can have a laugh with ... someone I can say something to and have him laugh with me rather than just reacting with a "umm" sound? To be able to discuss things with someone rather than just getting a "yeah, have you seen my phone?" response to an otherwise important comment ...

Does anyone else live with a partner with aspergers? do you miss the normal social interactions you'd get with perhaps someone else? Do you feel frustrated when it seems he's incapable of thinking about anyone but himself?

He seems quite happy that he's found a "reason" for it all.

Quite often people at work have had a go at him for being rude. He's had complaints from customers, he's got into trouble for dropping things and just leaving the mess there ...

That's another thing. He seems so engrossed in his own head that he doesn't seem to notice anything around him. One time he almost ran to a jar of pickles onions in tesco and shouted quite loudly "look!! they have them in!! I havn't had these ones for ages!!" and he was really excited. He grabbed a jar and 3 other jars tumbled to the floor making a right racket (and mess) and DP just walked away from the carnage with a big grin on his face trying to show me these onions. I heard one bloke say "what a tosser, he's just left all that for someone else to clean up" and I was so embarrassed.

His view is that now he knows "why" he's the way he is, everything is great. Of course he doesn't factor in how it all affects me and the kids. But then I don't suppose I can expect him to.

Yep, Clarissimo, that's why there is such a big effort to pick up on ASDs while children are young, isn't it? The effects of social exclusion, piss-taking and general loneliness can be psychologically very damaging so there are many adults around now, who've never been diagnosed and can't understand themselves, suffering from the long-term effects of those difficulties.

Not going into this further as I've already rambled about it, elsewhere

The reaosn thing is tbh a normal stage- after years of thinnking you are a bit crap then there is suddenly a reason that is toehr than that

It does need to pass to the next one though- taking responsibility. It will takre time but if that doesn't happen dx can be as much a bad thing as good, and be used as an excuse. DS1 is only ten but has stuck tehre and it is problematic

But do remember that noiwhere on the DSM-IV criteria does it say malicious: that's a personality deficit not an AS trait and the person dispalying it should be trreated as any other malicious partner

ItsGrace yes- when I relaised about myself I understtood how come I always managed to find a bully (even as an adult) etc, before I thought I was crap frankly.

I ahve no DX btw but know enough to know and a Psych friend agreed.

I do think anyone with a recent dx would benefit from counselling. Both to adjust and to work through tejir lives up to that stage. the lady who runs the Psych tertiary DX service here (aka complex cases) says that no adult seeks a dx without having experienced a major trauma to prompt them to do so- work problems, family oir whatever.

in this case it's nonsense to talk about separating the personality from the diagnosis. That's the point. It's not something he has developed for a while and could recover from, it's who he is in a fundamental way. If you are unhappy with him then it's the same as if you were unhappy with anyone else who didn't 'match'. I agree with other posters that at the minimum you shouldn't beat yourself up about it if you have to walk away. He might be happier as well.

On the other hand, if it's just a bit annoying sometimes do remember that by the time you have been with someone for a while they all are annoying and seem a bit mad! LOL!
You have to weigh up the pros and cons - there are worse situations to be in than living with someone who doesn't understand jokes.

If I were you I'd give it a little bit of time to see if the diagnosis is really enough to make you shrug off a lot of the annoyances rather than thinking it's personal. But if it doesn't heal the hurt, perhaps let him start fresh with someone else who can know from the start?

I dont agree starange

Not from every aspect anyway

AS is manageable to a great extent: really it is, if the otehr person is willing. However if not thats a part of his personality surely? And amkes the rest unachievable.

besides, classing it all as AS does those who are not malicious / rude / controlling a massive injustice. And that by adulthood is most definitely most of them.

I wqould imagine that separating the two is also useful for psych purposes for the person in teh relationship- using teh example of my old partner, I would have felt too cruel to leave him becuase he had poor social skills or amde socially inappropriate comments however I could in my own head justify going becuase of the sheer laziness, the digs and general twattishness.

I sometimes think he would be happier living on his own too. One time I said to him that I think we should live apart. His first reaction was "but you could cheat on me and I wouldn't know" not "I'll miss you" etc.

His 2nd reaction was "actually, that might be a good idea, then I could go on the PC more and stuff".

Not once did he say he'd miss me.

I just don't think I can tolerate it. He doesn't say please or thank you. A couple of night ago I made him a huge hot chocolate drink with whipping cream, chopped chocolate etc and said "here, I made this for you". His reaction:

"yeah. Have you seen my work timetable?"

I'd spent ages on it. So I repeated it:

"Did you hear me? I made you this ... "

He took it from me and said "yes, I heard you ... it looks nice .... have you seen my work timetable anywhere?"

How much of it is aspergers and how much is just a general lack of manners? I don't understand it and I find it hard to distinguish between the two.

Queen

AS sometimes breaks up couples, thats for sure

Sometimes people with AS prefer to ahve realtionships that are not live in, that can give the loved one a break too.

or if youc alled it off, nobody would blame you.

One thing though: just becuase he doesn't express love doesn't mean he doesn't feel it. For me its sometimes as if the link between emotion and face / gob is btoken. Luckily, no doubt partly becuase I am female (thought to be significant) I ahev elarned to communicate well, however many people do not.

Please dont assume that him saying he wouldnt miss you etc means he douesnt love you. it migt, but it might not. It must be really hurtful though.

YOu might be able to get soem of the thing you cant get with him elsewhere- mSOH etc (I ahve a very good one I think (more to the point so does Dh adn my best mate LOL) but its unusual) but not all people do, but in order for that to work you have to feel loved and secure. If not then you cant make it work I think.

How erecnt is the DX? (sorry if info below, missed it). there's a strong chance if it is recent that depression is involved: when I relaised I absolutely plummeted into depths after the initial relief- I felt that I never could be good enough, etc.

But ultimately you deserve a relationship that you find fulfilling.

I always say thankyou for stuff, but don't often like being given stuff or done things for - it makes me very uncomfortable.

But if someone does, I go OTT saying thanks quite often, just to make sure I have covered it. I don't ever remember there being a time when I didn't say thankyou though.

I only realised I was likely on the spectrum early last summer, through an online test (47/50) and initially was excited that everything sudden;y made sense - then followed by the crash, when people I tried to tell told me I was wrong, I didn't have it, that if I had it, they had it too...even my best friend, who has sadly died since then
but I stopped telling people very quickly. I suppose if they think I'm odd, they will anyway, and I don't know how to change, unfortunately. I wish I did.
But despite the depressive aspects of it I do feel a sense of relief, still, that at least I understand why I'm like I am - even if it makes no odds to anyone else.

It makes me wonder whether I am really paretner material though - and not for any of the reasons these blokes seem to fail at it, because I don't think I do any of that stuff - I am really polite and quite acclimatised to society, in terms of not being totally childlike or anti social - but I do find acting the part highly stressful, as someone said.

Repetetive examples of being asked to go to social groups by the mums at school - and refusing, trying to explain that if I do, it isn't that I don't like a chat or dislike them, but I will spend the entire rest of the day paying for it in terms of total brain fry. It's very hard to get across exactly why it is so painful to be in those situations, but it definitely is.

Flight have you spoken to AMber on here about how she manages having ASD and being married to soemone with ASD> She has very useful overlaod ideas etc (separate spaces)

thankyou, will have a look around for her messages...we did have a chat last year sometime.

By BudaisintheZONE Sun 11-Apr-10 12:33:31
I can understand how hard it must be but how on earth did you end up living with him in the first place????

When I met my AS ex-H I'd just divorced an abusive husband. This new man was so gentle and physically & emotionally undemanding I loved him for that.

We didn't know then that he had AS - he didn't get a dx until recently.

I was his 'special interest' and obsession which was very flattering.

The attention lasted until we got married, then he became very competitive and constantly put me down. Every time I pointed this out to him he'd apologise saying he didn't mean it and couldn't understand why my feelings were hurt. I did see warning signs but chose to ignore them.

Our DCs took up most of my time and I felt that my ex was another child to be looked after. I was hyper-vigilant with him, expecting him to embarrass me at every social occasion - finally, I stopped going anywhere with him and ended up with no mutual friends to socialise with. His emotional age was that of an adolescent. To be fair, he was great at playing with our DCs, as LeonieDelt's DH is - and was very patient with them.

He frustrated me and I felt as though I was going completely mad on many occasions. We are now separated and I feel as though I will never have a normal relationship with another man.

Only the partner of someone with AS can understand in how many different ways it can affect you. I tolerated it for 30 years and I feel that it has scarred me for life.

Sorry this is a bit of a ramble. I find it very hard to explain just what it was about our relationship that was so difficult. Even my sister said 'can't you just put up with it?' His family think badly of me for 'deserting him when he's ill'.

He's not ILL - just impossible to live with.

well i wonder often about DH and he has trouble understanding social norms alot, and im forever explaining things, like why you cant ask a woman when a baby is due when you dont know she is preggy and could be a little over weight, and other little things. He is a loving caring man and I wouldnt ever leave him BUT OP, your OH sounds like an arse with aspergers, not aspergers causing the arsey behaviour.
If you cant handle it now, you wont be able to in years to come, so best go now.

I just wanted to chuck in a bit of extra validation for some on this thread, especially hormonesnomore. I am now close to resolving my issues from marriage #2 - ten years later! OK, I was screwed up to begin with so I have multi-layered issues to deal with. But I became an "amateur expert" on Asperger's because, when I learned about the syndrome in adults, it explained so much of what was painful in that marriage!

Like you, hormonesnomore, I honestly felt I'd gone mad - and it seemed impossible to get others to understand. Did you know there's a name for this? Look up "Cassandra Syndrome".

Mine was, as Lisa succinctly puts it, an arse with Aspergers. I seriously don't care if science currently says it's impossible - I managed to marry a guy with NPD and Asperger's! It was like living in a parallel universe, where nothing was what it seemed and I was speaking a language no-one understood.

For everyone else in a similar situation: No, you are not mad. And, no, he is not "just being a man"!

QueenofOlympia - IMHO you don't have to stay in a relationship where there is more frustration than satisfaction. You have only been together 2 years (well probably near 3 by now I guess), but in the scheme of things, that's not a long time is it.

Just because part of the reason he behaves the way he does has a dx, doesn't mean you have to be a martyr and stay in this relationship.

I couldn't live with your DH, but that's not to say I couldn't live with anyone with Asp.

You want a relationship you can't have with your current partner, I honestly think the best thing you can do is leave before you hurt him more (possibly fall for someone else).

QueenofOlympia, I too don't see why you think you have to continue this relationship. So he has a Dx of AS - so what?

You are not happy in this relationship. It is only(!) of two years' standing. You have no children together (or at least you haven't mentioned any).

Can you please explain (to yourself if not to us) what possible reason you have to not leave this relationship? Because damned if I can see a single one (besides the invalid 'how can I leave a sick person, that's kicking someone when their down').

they're Doh!

WhereYouLeftIt - there was an element of guilt about being unsure whether to end my marriage to someone with AS.

For so long, without really being aware of what I was doing, I protected my ex. I 'interpreted' and 'translated' for him (he said he felt as if everyone else was talking a different language to him) and I felt as if I was leaving one of my children.

I did love him, but for the sake of my emotional health the relationship had to end. He was unable to offer me any support and I was exhausted always being the supporter.

All I'd say to the OP is, don't leave it as long as I did.

And thank you Grace, I have heard of the Cassandra syndrome - sadly I have all the symptoms.

Succinctly put Reality.

That's what I was trying to say I suppose.

Have been living with an autistic husband for 35 years - yes I love him - have three children- but it gets harder - if I had my time again I would not marry him

My ASD XH used to do the 'staring' thing when I spoke to him, a bit like a robot that has deactivated for a few moments. I told him it was incredibly rude, he was assuming that whatever I was saying was pointless to listen to. He agreed, but he still did it.

He left me in the end. I adored him but he was a complete tosser, looking back on it.