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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Anyone else has a dh who talks too much during sex?

92 replies

NinaJane · 09/04/2010 19:08

I love this man, but how do I make him stop?

You see, I set the scene in my mind - location, mood, various appropriate characters etc and things go fine for a while until my dh shatters it with just one spoken word - then I have to start from scratch again. I'm the kind of gal who cannot climax without a little bit of help from my imagination .

I've tried a gentle sshhh - doesn't work. I've tried to involve him in the process, but then he says something completely out of context and my whole picture blows up in smoke.

How do I tell him to just shut up, without offending him?

OP posts:
MaisietheMorningsideCat · 09/04/2010 21:51

Agree LeQueen. After 16 years I'm still not sure what it would take for mess and chaos to even feature on DH's radar.

TrillianAstra · 09/04/2010 23:26

Er, you need to be somewhere else in your head every time? Maybe he is deliberately making you be where you realy are. Can you imagine if a woman posted that her DH was annoyed because she was messin gup his fantasy of shagging the Latino maid?

bran · 09/04/2010 23:31

Perhaps you could encourage him to do something that doesn't leave his mouth free for talking.

MollieO · 09/04/2010 23:49

Maybe you should wear ear plugs and then you won't hear his pointless mutterings . I had a boyfriend (nearly married him) who would copy whatever sound I made during sex. Completely and utterly put me off him and is one of the reasons why we are no longer together.

BigGitDad · 10/04/2010 00:05

When he kills the moment just stop. End of. Just like Pavlov's conditioned dogs he will get the message.

BitOfFun · 10/04/2010 00:58

Just tell him!

Fantasies are great, but you need to be attuned to when to share and when to keep schtum.

abouttoleave · 10/04/2010 01:09

tell him to shut the fuck up

flabbymummyof2climbingboys · 10/04/2010 08:34

how about you spank him quite hard every time he starts to chat

JuJusDad · 10/04/2010 08:53

I agree with Trills - maybe his confidence isn't that great, and he's clicked that you're not completely present ^with him^, and so he's asking about mundane things in a somewhat clumsy (but gentle) attempt to re-connect you to him.

Afterall, if you need to be away in your head every time, he might as well be a piece of rubbery plastic.

Original poster
NinaJane · 10/04/2010 09:38

Hi JuJusDad - we've been married for 14 years (together for 16).

My dh is a very confident man and when he wants a bit of role playing himself, I gladly go with it - it is one of the little pleasures of being in a secure loving relationship.

Obviously we do not do the fantasy thing ALL the time and have normal, connected sex as well - but as I said in my OP, I cannot climax (don't know why - it's just the way I am - perhaps I am a freak, who knows?) unless I have a naughty picture in my mind.

That does not mean that I do not enjoy normal sex with my dh - instead of working towards the 'destination', I just enjoy the ride, but my dh does not know this - he thinks I get the big 'O' every time . He is a very considerate lover and it is important for him to know that he is pleasing me - every time.

But seeing that orgasms are such lovely things, I would like to experience one every now and again whilst having sex with my dh - that is the problem I have - because my dh is not always aware of what is going on in my head (and I don't want to do the role playing thing too often, as I do not want him to think that he is not good enough), I tend not to tell him and that is when he says things to shatter the illusion - not his fault, I know, but that brings me back to my original question - how do I make him stop without offending him?

OP posts:
flabbymummyof2climbingboys · 10/04/2010 10:01

on a more serious note than my last post could you not just say to him that you don't like any chattering during sex?

StepSideways · 10/04/2010 10:04

Maybe you can go for a halfway house that lets you get where you want to go, such as replacing what he's saying with something else, perhaps he's less likely to take offence if, instead of telling him to 'shut up', you ask him to just call you a 'naughty girl', or something like that.

If it works he'll be to busy saying that to ask some mundane question, long enough for you to slip away to the classroom...

MrFlibble · 10/04/2010 10:20

Tell him the half truth, that you find it hard to orgasm when he talks about mundane and unrelated things such as the dog and the kids. Dont mention you not wanting to spoil the bent over teachers desk fantasy.

MrsSawdust · 10/04/2010 10:27

I'm feeling a bit sorry for your dh tbh. How come you've never told him about this? Doesn't it bother you that you can't orgasm without fantasising? Because that is the real problem here; not the talking during sex.

(though i do agree that talking about the kids and dog is a bit of a turn off )

Seriously though, in your shoes I would be feeling very frustrated not to be able to 'let go' without retreating inside my head. And it sounds like you have to do quite a bit of fakery too just to cover up the problem, which would also bother me a lot.

I would consider self-help books or sex counselling.

Original poster
NinaJane · 10/04/2010 10:46

In hindsight (what a wonderful thing hindsight is!), I should have been honest with him from the start, but I was quite young when we met and would never have had the courage to say to him: "BTW love, you are a stud, but I can only come when I'm thinking about my Science teacher/a stranger/the butcher/the baker/the candlestick maker." - I don't think that would have gone down too well - didn't want to have the man running for the hills just a few weeks into our relationship.

Also, nobody likes to admit that they are sexually odd - it took me a good couple of years to accept that my behaviour is strange, but people are all put together differently and I do not have major issues with my oddities anymore. I don't think I will benefit from sex counselling, as I grew up pretty normal and don't have any deep seated issues that I know of.

And I could NEVER come clean now with my dh - it will kill him knowing that I have not been truthful.

OP posts:
greatfiresoflondon · 10/04/2010 10:56

I don't think what you're saying is abnormal at all. Lots of people use a bit of make beleive to climax... can totally see that you love your DH, don't want to shatter his confidence, and that sometimes after 14 yrs of marriage it might be hard to get excited (to the point of climax) by straightforward non-fantasising sex.

I agree about the destination bit - I don't always like the pressure of having to reach an orgasm, its not always that easy for me - although have never faked it so DH knows that sometimes he gets a "freebie" and sometimes he has to hang around for me to get there too!!

templemaiden · 10/04/2010 11:14

Why don't you try to involve him - get him to talk dirty to you - he doesn't have to know that he isn't trhe subject of your fantasies.

Although might it be possible to make him the subject - dress him up in your mind as a builder or whatever you need, but make it him, and not some stranger.

TDiddy · 10/04/2010 14:36

Tell him that he is the silent lover in your fantasy.

ilove · 10/04/2010 14:40

Mine did get told "shut up and shove it in" one night....

southeastastra · 10/04/2010 14:42

funny thread but him asking if you put thoe dog out isn't a million miles away from did you pay the gas bill, is it?

TDiddy · 10/04/2010 16:14

Tell him you want a focussed performance. Set him some SMART objectives in corporate speak.

Original poster
NinaJane · 10/04/2010 18:33

Hi TDiddy,

The only reason he is concerned about the dog being put outside, is because our dog is a 'starer' - there are not many things more disconcerting than looking over your dh shoulder when bonking, and seeing the dog's 'pink-eye' out!

Just wished dh had asked me about the dog before we set out and not halfway through, really.

OP posts:
Original poster
NinaJane · 10/04/2010 18:35

Sorry, meant to respond to 'southeastastra'.

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 10/04/2010 19:24

^Cheerfulvicky PMSL at "never shag a hippie" waves, hugs and kisses to you and DS *

Could you have a glass of wine and pretend to get overly drunk and tell him what a turn off it is? This being what a friend of mine recently did - very childish, but did the trick and he since hasn't uttered anything but desirable noises during coitus

SirBoobAlot · 10/04/2010 19:27

Ah feck, messed that up didn't I? Cheerfulvicky, even.

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