What can I do to help (if anything)

[ArmCabbage]

I am convinced my partner is Bi-Polar, i am sure it is not healthy to self diagnose another person, but when he will do nothing to diagnose himself I feel the need to be proactive and seek advice. If something isn't done soon then i don't know what will happen.

Currently my partner is sleeping in the car, he has not changed his clothes or had a wash in 5 days. Not eating enough, staring into space, has no recollection of previous conversations, thinks he has told me what he is doing by phone, when he hasn't got in touch. Post hasn't been opened for 6 months, bailiffs are at the door, 60,000 has been spent on his credit cards. He organised our wedding then didn't turn up to it, all manner of things.
He has cut off from all friends and family, refuses to answer any contact, sleeping patterns are incredibly erratic, if he sleeps at all. Most of the time he goes to sleep at 3 in the morning and gets up at 6 in the morning. He is lying about going to work (self employed), losing contracts. Drinking, smoking weed. The same sentences are repeated with not much else in the way of conversation. Sentences filled with hopelessness and despair, but also at the same time seem completely disconnected from reality and almost unemotional and robotic.

This is one side of him, this side is intertwined with a sudden appearance of a positive man. This positive man just joined me for a weekend in Frankfurt in which he said he was going for a walk and dissapeared for 24 hours. 10 minutes before he dissapeared he was joyful and full of random plans for the future that had no practical basis.

This is what i am finding, he is going from complete despair to another person who wants to do everything but has completely unrealistic ideals. His sentences go from the negative to the "things will be great, things will be fine" but then still no realistic lifeskills to put things in place.
He is acting like a child, basic functions of adult care have gone, even from making a cup of tea to shaving. He turned up in Frankfurt with no clothes or suitcase but thought this was perfectly normal.

Another symptom from all of this is suddenly his eyes will turn and he will be angry abusive and damn right insulting. He will find arguments to pursue claiming I brought up the subject when i wasn't even speaking. He will tear people apart he doesn't even know and be judgmental and paranoid. It is frightening to be at the receiving end of as five seconds before he will be telling me how beautiful i am.

Personally i am constantly on edge, i wait and wait as i am now, until he comes back, what i mean by that is at the moment he is a stranger, he wont talk, he doesn't like me, he has no empathy, he is cruel and distant but unaware. I wait for him to come back to earth to tell him what he has been like.
I am starting to discover though, after years of this, he has no control over when he dissapears.

Three doctors appointments have been made, debt advisory appointments have been made, these are made when he is in a different mood, then he misses them because he is cloudy again. I cant handle his debt as i don't have permission, i have only been living with him for 6 months. I am scared he will end up in prison due to him ignoring baillifs and speeding fines and court cases.

Anyhow, I am calling him my partner, but I have decided to leave and secured another home. I still love him and care about him though. So I was hoping for advice on how to help him.

I don't know what to do about getting him help, getting him to wash, getting him to go bankrupt, getting him to sleep in the house or in a bed. I can't see him like this and do nothing.

He can only help himself I think

I would advise you to make yourself physically and financially secure first and foremost

Then perhaps you leaving may jolt him into realising he needs to accept help

After that, I really think you have done all that you can

Hmmmm, I am not sure I have done all I can, I think something needs to be done. He cant carry on in this way. I understand about getting myself sorted first, and I have. I am in a position to then deal with him. I also understand he has to help himself. But what if he just doesn't, what if he stays not washing or working or paying any debts? I like to believe someone would drag me out of the car and be proactive. Not that I am suggesting I should do that. I just believe their must be something, even If it's making sure he has a duvet in the boot!

no, ac

he is a grown-up

you are not responsible for his well-being

if he wants to be dirty and sleep in the car, it is up to him, seriously

his debt is his own (I hope...)

I am not unsympathetic, but the scenario I see here is that he will drag you down too (which it seems he was quite happy to do until you decided to extricate yourself)

has he actually been diagnosed with a mental illness ?

Yes the debt is all his own. No he wont move or wash or stop staring into space to even bother with the doctor to be diagnosed with a mental illness.
Yes, he is an adult, no i am not responsible for his wellbeing, but I do care about his wellbeing and would like to help a fellow human not suffer so much.
He wont drag me down as I have a new home.

But I do not cut off from people in need and think if they wont help themselves why should I. I have known him all my life. I am sure he is not happy to drag me down. I think he is way to depressed to even consider being happy to drag me down.

he sounds not far off needing to be sectioned to be honest. There is something very badly wrong with him.

I cannot comprehend how you are able to continue in this relationship with him. I don't know what you can do to help - he would need to recognise that he has a problem but he sounds to far gone to be able to do that.

I hope someone comes along with some suggestions.

What do you want to do for him? What can you do for him? There's only so much you can do, so much he will let you do, before you have to hold you hands up and say enough is enough.

Maybe get some advice from his GP, contact your Community Mental Health Team for advice. Besides doing that - there isn't much else you can do.

Thanks MrsBoogie. I continue a relationship with him as I care about him. But it's not an intimate one, it's more trying to help a mate who has gone under. I don't believe in conditional love and I love him. I am sure most people wouldn't turn their backs immediately if they saw someone acting so utterly in pain. I like to think they wouldn't anyway. I also hope someone can offer some advice as well.
I would like help for him before something dreadful happens

Ok, this is a man who is seriously, seriously ill.

I think you need to contact his GP and explain just how bad this is, and say you want someone to come out and talk to your partner. He's not going to get himself to a doctor, he's way too sick for that. Someone needs to come and talk to him.

I'm sorry, I'm not in the UK so I don't know the support services. But you need some outside help, here. And you need it today.

Can someone in the UK chip in with some ideas for people the OP could ring, if not the GP? Lifeline, eg?

www.sane.org.uk/SANEline

mental health crisis team

Thank you Tortoise! I think I will ring my GP too.

I could feel myself getting annoyed and in a completely different conversation about why everyone thinks it's acceptable to just walk away from suffering.

She will be loved, i will do all I can for him.

It sounds as though he is unable to help himself, unfortunately.

Unless he himself has any insight into his problems - and their source - it is quite likely he is suffering from some kind of personality disorder or mental illness.

He needs professional help. If he won't visit his GP you could go along and describe to them what you have described to us. A community psyhciatric nurse could be sent round to assess him. Unfortunately it doesn't sound as if he will just get "better" if left to his own devices.

ac, you are misreading some replies

nobody said you should walk away

I for one, was saying there is only so much you can do, if a person will not acknowledge a problem

and tbh, your Op implied you had tried lots of things to help and he was not accepting of any of it

have you rung his GP before ?

I'm not any kind of expert, but I had a good friend who was bipolar, and some of the things you are saying do ring true (having said that, they could also be associated with oter forms of mental illness, I'm not an expert!) Our friend's parents took over from us, and he was sectioned. It took a long time for him to be "better", and he had a few relapses along the way, until they found methods and meds that helped him, but he seems to be doing well now.

I think you are right to try to help him, and it's nice that you don't want to walk away. It isn't easy being there for someone in this situation, but he will probably appreciate your intervention when he is functioning properly again- which he won't be without help from someone. Does he have family/ other friends you can get to rally round too? We found it far easier to cope with our friend as a group, and with his parents involved. I personally think it is a lot for one person to take on, so make a clear shout from help to anyone who might be able to. Good luck!

I wasn't suggesting you should walk away either - I was thinking more along the lines that seem to be continuing the romantic relationship with him, you refer to him as your partner, and how difficult this must be for you.

He's not your partner in anything at the moment is he?

Not suggesting at ALL that you should walk away and leave him to it - he doesn't seem to have anyone else but you for a start.

If I were you I would be trying to see whether I could get him admitted to hospital I just don't know enough about mental illness to offer any more advice than that.

I would imagine that if you did explain the state he is in to the relevant professionals and got them round to see him he might kick off/panic and might end up getting sectioned.

This might be for the best.You do need to do something. He is very ill.

agree ether is only so much you can do - and the GP will say - unless this man comes to me with a problem there is nothing i can do unless he is very clealry a danger to himself or others.

however you say

he is sleeping in the car for five days not washed - so he smells right? is is coherent or incoherent? refuses to leave the car?

so call 999 and ask paramedics to come and take him to A&E and get emergency psych evaluation. you have to get him into A&E and demand pshychiatrist evaluaiton when he is bad.

if you can give some diary/log of his highs and low so much the better.

you will be in for long wait in A&E. they will send psych nurse with quesitonnaire to go thru. this is what you can do for him right now.

otherwise - no one will bother because if a grown man chooses to live ike this - so wahat? you need to get him into A&E - exaggerate his behaviour if necessary to get him there .... if he kicks off so much the better.

been tehre with scary man who is abusive one minute telling you you are wonderful th enxt - it aint normal...but they do need ot be the one to seek help...however, pick a bad moment and call 999 and act. either police or paramedics can get thim to hospital and you can wait it out for a psych evaluation - provide some kind of evidence

you gonna ahve to be pushy and exagegerate your fears if needs be to get him into A&E and be in poisition to demand the psych evaluation. even then - they may suggest he goes home with you and follows up himself next day - and you back in the cycle of not attending appts.

what sets him off? can you do something to get him v angry ? or v distressed? then call 999?

err, cest, that seems like a bit of a dodgy plan of action to me

and not very fair to him, tbh

ps - you talk about "years of this" - how long has this ben going on?

has no one said or done anything before?

do you have other people - friends/relatives/business partners who can back you up in your assessment of the situation?

how much is he "Drinking, smoking weed."??

It's OK to want to help but you are not a mental health professional and this man is far too ill to be cured by you 'loving him enough' or any other dangerous romantic bullshit. Get yourself out of the situation WRT making sure your finances are separate from his and you have a seperate home, then call in the professionals, explaining that you think he is a danger to himself and others.
You can be his friend and support him through his treatment, and that would be a good and kind thing to do, but you cannot fix him yourself and you need to take care of yourself in order to be able to be a supportive friend to him.

also - what would he say if police tapped on car? would he say "i am fine go away"? coz that is what my exP did a few months ago in his depresive phase (he was at his place, but same thing....)

coz if he says he is "fine" to police/doctors etc when in this state then no one can do much....

he has to have insight - but you can be proactive and try and get him to A&E and emergency psych evaluation....

Yes it's been going on for years, but getting worse, this no washing thing is a new one. I don't know, hard to explain, you put it down to things and then all of a sudden you realise it's a pattern and it's not normal. I have no romantic notion of loving him out of this. I am not desperate to see him better so we can run off into rainbows. I have left him, because I cannot make him better. But I still will do all I can for him. My finances are seperate. Everything is sorted to go. But I want to help, he will become homeless next. or end up in prison, even if it is a hopeless case I am going to try.

I rang the doc, he wont help, usual patient confidentiality etc. So i rang psych team. The advice is pretty much the A and E route. Get him there. I don't know where he is today, yes he smells. Yes he says, I am fine go away. They said he can ring the psych team for help. All self initiating things when this man can't even function.

His family don't want to know, the he can help himself he is being selfish, what about us, he has done nothing for us, we have needed him, blah blah, he is not ill he is just a shit and lets everyone down blah blah......

One mate has been to see him, he was shocked, but still, has no idea what to do. As for anyone else, well it's almost as if he is in hiding so they haven't seen/heard from him for a long time. They would be gutted if they saw him, he was a bright vibrant gorgeous man.

I'm not sure how much he is drinking, not loads, but smoking weed probably more. On and off, he is obviously running out of money.

Another practical matter is the piles of post. What are you supposed to do with bailiffs, letters etc. A horrendous amount of shit is piling up here. His car insurance has run out. Everything is in serious trouble, water, credit cards, council tax, you name it. I have opened it all and it is overwhelming. He won't be able to handle it, I know that, It will send him even worse. I am afraid now it will just be a constant vicious circle he wont get out of and the next things is a repossessed home.

I am not involved with any of the finance as I have not lived here long, all this was admitted with him sobbing and shaking. We went through it all but he needs to go bankrupt.

Look, there is nothing more you can do for this man. He won't accept help from you or anyone else and to be brutally honest, actually, he does have a right to destroy himself and his life if he chooses to. ALl you will achieve by staying around is to hurt yourself and go down with him.

Don't worry about the post etc. Just worry about getting him some medical help. SGB and Af are right - don't go down with him. Get him seen by someone, they will be used to the fallout (paperwork going unanswered is standard for any psychiatric illness). That bit is not your problem.

Just please call someone to come and see him. He's really not well at all. Forget the details, concentrate on the immediate.

Next time he comes home or I find where his car is I will get someone to see him. Cheers.

OK so you have left him. You are not in danger of getting dragged down with him, that is now clear.

So it looks like you have 2 choices:

1. Let him, as SGB says, exercise his right to destroy himself

which would be fine if he was in anything close to his right mind but he isn't, is he?

1. Cestlavie's nuclear option, provoke or wait for a bad moment and get him admitted by ringing 999.

I do see that the latter is potentially dodgy and I hope someone comes along with a better option (have you posted in the mental health section btw?) BUT you can't just stand back and do nothing can you?

It's getting worse you say and I wonder how much of his behaviour you may have normalised that might shock another observer or a health professional.

If you think his life is at risk then I would say you should do whatever it takes to get him into hospital. He isn't going to get better by himself is he?

What if he is bipolar and could be returned to something approaching normality just with the intervention of some drugs?