What can I do to help (if anything)

[ArmCabbage]

I am convinced my partner is Bi-Polar, i am sure it is not healthy to self diagnose another person, but when he will do nothing to diagnose himself I feel the need to be proactive and seek advice. If something isn't done soon then i don't know what will happen.

Currently my partner is sleeping in the car, he has not changed his clothes or had a wash in 5 days. Not eating enough, staring into space, has no recollection of previous conversations, thinks he has told me what he is doing by phone, when he hasn't got in touch. Post hasn't been opened for 6 months, bailiffs are at the door, 60,000 has been spent on his credit cards. He organised our wedding then didn't turn up to it, all manner of things.
He has cut off from all friends and family, refuses to answer any contact, sleeping patterns are incredibly erratic, if he sleeps at all. Most of the time he goes to sleep at 3 in the morning and gets up at 6 in the morning. He is lying about going to work (self employed), losing contracts. Drinking, smoking weed. The same sentences are repeated with not much else in the way of conversation. Sentences filled with hopelessness and despair, but also at the same time seem completely disconnected from reality and almost unemotional and robotic.

This is one side of him, this side is intertwined with a sudden appearance of a positive man. This positive man just joined me for a weekend in Frankfurt in which he said he was going for a walk and dissapeared for 24 hours. 10 minutes before he dissapeared he was joyful and full of random plans for the future that had no practical basis.

This is what i am finding, he is going from complete despair to another person who wants to do everything but has completely unrealistic ideals. His sentences go from the negative to the "things will be great, things will be fine" but then still no realistic lifeskills to put things in place.
He is acting like a child, basic functions of adult care have gone, even from making a cup of tea to shaving. He turned up in Frankfurt with no clothes or suitcase but thought this was perfectly normal.

Another symptom from all of this is suddenly his eyes will turn and he will be angry abusive and damn right insulting. He will find arguments to pursue claiming I brought up the subject when i wasn't even speaking. He will tear people apart he doesn't even know and be judgmental and paranoid. It is frightening to be at the receiving end of as five seconds before he will be telling me how beautiful i am.

Personally i am constantly on edge, i wait and wait as i am now, until he comes back, what i mean by that is at the moment he is a stranger, he wont talk, he doesn't like me, he has no empathy, he is cruel and distant but unaware. I wait for him to come back to earth to tell him what he has been like.
I am starting to discover though, after years of this, he has no control over when he dissapears.

Three doctors appointments have been made, debt advisory appointments have been made, these are made when he is in a different mood, then he misses them because he is cloudy again. I cant handle his debt as i don't have permission, i have only been living with him for 6 months. I am scared he will end up in prison due to him ignoring baillifs and speeding fines and court cases.

Anyhow, I am calling him my partner, but I have decided to leave and secured another home. I still love him and care about him though. So I was hoping for advice on how to help him.

I don't know what to do about getting him help, getting him to wash, getting him to go bankrupt, getting him to sleep in the house or in a bed. I can't see him like this and do nothing.

Well i think it would be great if he could go on something to help him bring him back to normality. But I can't see it happening soon, especially if I walk, I am the only person aware of the seriousness of it all. As for exercising his rights to self combust, I think I am to a certain extent. I am somewhere in the middle. He is now on his own. I am not in his face, I am not roaming the streets looking for him. I have told him I am going.
It's not as simple as that for me either. I can't can't emotionally turn off, I am going to be worried sick and thinking of him. I would rather for my own self, keep an eye on him. I adore him, these feelings don't stop because someone is loosing it. It breaks my heart to see him like this. I am not for one minute saying I can help or cure him, or help him in any way if he doesn't want it. I simply cannot just switch off from him though.

The A and E option is out of my hands really, I don't know where he is, and it would just be a matter of wating until he did something.

I think when he comes back I will have to play the situation by ear and if i can, persuade him to let me take him, or call someone in, if they will come.

I have been told not to do that as it will destroy all trust and make him worse. It has to be his decision. So confusing.

Thanks for all the advice, it has been good for me to get it off my chest, it has been a lot to witness.

Sorry if it's garbled and contradictory, head is firmly placed up arse, it is incredibly frustrating to be so impotent.

no - you do make perfect sense. I'm sorry no-one has been able to offer any better solution.

I guess all you can do is keep an eye and take action if an opportunity presents itself

I wouldn't worry too much about the betrayal aspect - not if it saves him...

Thanks for everyones replies

Most people seem to be thinking thinking much the same - just different ways of saying it. Since he needs help but won't seek it, he should be sectioned (ArmCabbage, you probably know by now that this means taken to a mental hospital whether he likes it or not).

In order to be sectioned, he must be considered "a danger to himself or others" by a police officer and two doctors. (There are emergency variations on this, but you won't need them.) Any doctor will know about this.

AF, Cestlavielife wasn't wrong. The police have to be involved anyway and, frankly, if the intervention scares him there's a better chance of his behaviour prompting a section.

Although it seems drastic, ArmCabbage, it's a helpful thing to do when someone can't recognise they need treatment. He will be taken to a hospital and looked after for a couple of days while they evaluate his condition. Along with the psych evaluation, he'll get fed, washed and put to bed!

It's good of you to care. Like the others, I became increasingly worried as I read your post, because it sounded as though you were still with him. I'm most relieved that you've made your plans! You must have been through some dreadful & confusing times - the wedding, for one! I'm sure you will feel better once you're settled in your new place and have got him in front of a doctor.

when my exP was in depressive phase sept to oct 2009 there was one tuesday he didnt turn up for his contact with dcs, we hadnt heard any text since the saturday. he didnt even text to say "i am not well" as he had done the weeks before.... i knew he had seen GP. i knew he was back on anti-Ds.

i called his friend - who had tried contacting and had failed...she was also worried. his neighbour had told me she had seen him and he was ghostly... by the weds i called local police and asked them to check - i also called his GP. leaving it to them to act or not. i gave abckground of his mental health episodes to police and they called round to him knocked on his door -they told me he was surprised - they said a "neighbour was worried" and he said he was fine.

by january he had picked up...in meantime last week i met a lady who knew him - she told me she had seen him in supermarket in october looking awful and had taken him on, picked him up, took him to cafe, fed him made him come see her every day...talked to him...etc,etc..

basically, her forceful action of making him go with her i think did "save" him in a way (tho his depression is cyclical so maybe something metabolic/brain chemicals wise hgappends anyway- i dont know.

turns out this lady has worked with people with eating disorders in past - so had an idea of how to approach and how to make him eat, talk etc... she wasnt going to take "it is ok i am fine" for an answer....

so - either you have someone who will be forceful with him, take him in make him wash make him eat - but who? his mate did what? just said "he looked awful" and carried on his way..... but then the guy prob said "i am fine" so i dont balme the mate....)

or you go down the 999 A&E/police route.

look - either the cyclical thng will happen and he will get "better" anyway - temporarily - or he will end up in a gutter or prison....

you can if you see him call 999 and get him taken away and you can present some evidence of the longer term cyclical issues. that can only help him.

but ultimately - if he gets to A&E and is able to persuade them he is "fine" - and is not sectioned and is not admitted voluntarily and is discharged - there is nothing more you or they can do....

do you care if he doesnt trust you any more for "betraying" him?

you have to decide if you willing to act in his best interests or not....and what that action will be.

with my exP - the friend was unable to act. she called and left messages - but didnt call round to him. to me he was trying to present as "well" because we were going thru court case over contact with the DCS....i could do nothing....it was the lady in the supermarket - who perhaps becausse of her experience with MH issues apparently took the matter in hand....

I think I may stop the community police officers who are around and about and ask for advice, does that sound like a good idea?

She sounds wonderful Cest, can you send her around my way . That's what I have been looking for, someone to get 'in'. Yes, he always says 'he's fine' too. But when you are getting told people saw him alone in the cinema and he stank, then you feel responsible. Wrong or right.

As for me Grace, well I am failing a degree, don't look that hot myself, don't sleep with worry, feel like I am keeping it together for everyone. I understand why people say leave, I really do, I am because I am starting to weaken with exhaustion. I am angry, with what he has done and for destroying our dreams. This is my newly wed home that we are mean to be doing up. Instead I am in a half decorated dump and single with a wedding dress. It's a joke really. I am also angry with his family for not caring or helping. I feel It's all on my shoulders, even though I have put it there. Then I feel like a complete arsehole for doing so.
Peoples reactions have completely disheartened me, even my own familys, I feel there is no community, no combined help. Just an absolute feeling of me being an idiot for being with him still and him being a selfish wanker. Nobody seems to get the bigger picture.
I feel like I have not had the space to grieve, I feel sad and lonely. I feel I have lost most of my friends. Worried I will completely disappear off the face of the earth when I move out. I also feel tremendously strong for moving out. Everyone suggests it, a nice practical calming solution- but it rips my heart out to walk away from him.
I have put up with a hell of a lot for nothing and the realisation I have been wasting my time is one that leaves you feeling foolish and utter embarrassment.

He has done some incredibly bad things to me, then gone wonderful and all I could possibly wish for. I think I became addicted to the wonderful man. Waiting and hoping for him to come back down to earth. Because my God it felt wonderful when he did and we were perfect. Even though, obviously, none of it was real. What this all says about me is I am probably more fucked up than him.

Anyway, I needed to get that all off my chest somewhere. It seems to have been all about him for such a long time now. I know it has to be about me now, hence moving. This last 6 months is not exactly what I had in mind when
I said I would marry him and dealing with dssapointment and beginning again is the hardest thing to work out.

Sorry for going on, needed an outlet for a while, half the time I feel I am screaming and nobody can hear. Like some weird dream in which you are waving at people and they walk right past.

Venting my spleen has done me good, going to get on with some work and have some mash

yes stop and chat to local community police or call them - look up local police number online or call in and have a chat with them.

may depend on person tho how sympathetic they are.... try also looking up local community mental health services see if there is someone you can speak to about what you can do. maybe some day centre locally runs a service?

but an unwashed man in a cinema could be taken off for "breaaching the peace"? i dunno.... people maybe just pass him off as a drunk?

is there any evidence of him having sought help from GP or any GP who has diagnosed him with anything in the past? has he been off work sick or???

i think you have to see it as the wonderful was as real as the bad....

read on the NPd thread or about personality disorders or yes about bipolar - why should the down be less real than the up?

also hypomania is v good description of where my ex is right now - he isnt manic but he is something which is on border of not being normal... but the friends he ignored for months are now back "on" - they seem happy to pick up where they left off and enjoy the jolly sociable person he is at present. that's fine - as some time friends (good time friends?) they can drop in and out i guess . but if you are the one living with the ups/downs and inbetweens -it grinds you down...

people are not one or the other - we all have ups and downs - but when someone has such extremes of ups and downs then...

and if the downs amount to abuse (to himself or to others?) in any form then you have to take a firm line...decide what you can and cannot take...

he didnt turn up for your wedding - that is pretty bad...because he was ill? is that an excuse? if he admits he was ill and has taken steps to adress the illness then maybe something to redeem.... illness is no excuse for abusive behaviour....

Thank, that was a lovely post, i don't want all my memories destroyed when he is like this. Or to feel insane and tricked. It was real and it was fabulous. Did you leave your partner C'est?

I don't know if the wedding was real or an excuse, he was quite convincing with wanting me and being devastated and lost. He was shaking and in a mess when i found him after, but I was able to talk him down.

It has been on my mind that it's all an excuse and I could trick myself into making up anything as not to feel rejected. But then I see him. I used to hold him and make him eat, get him in bed and stroke his hair until he slept. It just feels so poiintless these days, I turn into the enemy too often. Feel betrayed. Feel I am questioning my own motives and personality. I've run out of patience. Feel unloved, untouched, not noticed. I want something back for what I have done. That is why I leave I think, holding someone to ransom for what you have put up with isn't fair.

Maybe he will get better without me around and I am making him like this.

Only time will tell.

You are not making him like anything. He is ill.

if he had cancer you wouldn't feel it was your responsibility to make him better - support him, look after him, love him yes, but you can't make the disease go away and you haven't caused it.

Is he still awol? have you considered reporting him as a missing person? If he was down as a misper and the police picked him up maybe it would lead to something?

Just found out he was out last night and on form. They thought he was still at home, I have no idea anymore. Obviously he is not as bad as I thought, made a fool of maybe. Time to cut ties.

yes i did leave him...he was always up and down...i can see mys sister's wedding in 2004 as a clear awful time; i tried and tried to "help" him, pandered to him...by 2007 he attacked our son when in depths of his self harming agresive depressive "break down"..i guess that was last straw..he also attacked me physically... i also realised all the controlling abusive behaviour was not justified by his depression illness etc etc. and that i could not make him happy ever nor "cure" him.

i guess i stayed so long coz of the occasional flashes of "jolliness" and we had 3 dcs...but really the highs were never that good looking back. maybe i thought i could save him, who knows...felt a duty to him....once i understood i could not help him - only he could - and what i did or didnt do made no difference - it was easier to leave. slightly diff situation but much is familiar.

i am responsible for his MH issues only in so far as i have to assess whether dcs should be left alone with him or not...

Glad you are out out of it, Happy now? ( you been on mn long?)

arm, not long on MN wish i had been thru 2005-2009... he still causes problems over contact, finance, etc. his ups and downs still impact - more so on dcs and how /when tehy see him but i am left with job of making risk assessment continuously...

ystrday he was physically and verbally agressive with the carer who took my ds (my ds is disabled) to see him. so am now following up on that. he sent text msg saying she should not bring ds again and referred to her "rude manners and nonsense"... it never ends....

Have to dash out to get kids so haven't read all of the posts properly, so sorry if this isn't right. My best friend has bi-polar. I've read up a fair amount on mental health issues. I'm not saying your friend has bi-polar but he is definitely ill and needs sectioning. If you're not strong enough to make yourself enough of a pain at A&E to get this kick-started, the only other way to do it is to make him the responsibility of someone else in an official capacity who will.

In your situation, I'd call the police with his car details and explain that he is ill, self-medicating (with drugs) and driving without insurance. They will pick him up for driving under the influence and without insurance. Once he is in the cells, he won't be able to keep up the pretence of 'I'm fine', and because the police cannot afford to have him self-harm in any way, they will probably call the duty Dr who will hopefully get him sectioned. This might not happen, of course, but it's definitely worth a shot.

Will check in and read properly later to see if I can give you anything else helpful.

Thinking of you.

Sorry Cest, sounds really draining to have such a constant in your life.

Thanks Optimist . Oh I don't know anymore, I can't even guess what he is like. I know he was out and he was on form, then he pretended to come home to his friends but got in his car again. I think if I do anything to get him attention he is going to look fine and I will look like some sort of crazed vindictive woman who isn't happy with separating.
I think his depression is being numbed with alcohol and weed, In-fact, i think he has just been drunk all week. All speculation though.
I did see him on friday, suprise suprise he hasn't been paying for the garage which is rented and he had to come back and empty it. The house is now jam packed with more crap. He had the same clothes on, a huge beard ( think Anchor Man when he loses his dog) and looked completely wired. But his friends said he was on form, so is it just for me? I also know he has been getting into work. He seems to be going through the motions, which is better than last week.
Anyhow, i quizzed him, he said he was miserable and went, insisted he just sleeps in his car.
Some might say if he was lucid enough to come and empty the garage, well he is ok. But he is not paying for the garage, or facing bailiffs and repossession, isn't.

I'm not going to do anything for now,I can't tbh, he is back out and about, not facing long term real life, but it's a start. It's going to be one of those situations that has to be played by ear. I may end up ringing the police if I get notice he smells again or isn't working.
For the moment I am concentrating on packing.

I rang the police last night, he was picked up and taken to hospital. He has been released and gone back to his car. I have been told he has been referred to mind, anyone know anything about this?

i think you should google it and read info on there.

what made you call the police?

I've tried threeblondboys, I can't really find out, will just ring them tomorrow, was hoping someone was around with personal experience of this.

I rang the police because he sent me a text saying suicide was the answer

i have just looked on mind website....there is loads on there....advise for counselling,money,treatment...the lot

hopefully someone will come along to advise....my ex used to threaten suicide,alot. you can't live your life like this,just read rest of your thread

I know, it was more what the next step is if you are referred to MIND. never heard of it before.

Thanks for looking for me x

AC- how are you doing? How have things been?You could try In the mental health section on here, someone there might know more.

Hi whatname, I've been ok, pretty exhausted tbh, but thats just with worry that I can't turn off. He has completely moved in full time to his car now, don't see or hear from him. I lie awake and wonder if he is warm and safe and sometimes I even wonder if he is alive.
Then last night I got a text and rang 999. I really hoped he would see a crisis team but to know avail, I pray that MIND isn't just for an invite for counselling in 6 weeks or something. Anyway, he is back in his car now. I find out if I get a new house tomorrow, I have taken time off college while i build up a new life and basically that's about it.

Thanks for asking x

*to no avail

See.....I'm bushed

My heart goes out to you. I helped a friend with bi-polar as best I could when everyone else walked away. In the end I could do nothing until they were caught driving dangerously, were abusive to the police and sectioned after being held in police custody.
Mental illness can be so frightening.
Services are overworked and short of staff and money. Hence, they probably did a risk assessment with your ex, couldn't tick the boxes that showed him to be an immediate danger and let him go. MIND do different things in different areas according to their funding, you could give your local MIND a ring and find out for your own peace of mind what they offer at your local branch.

As a friend/carer the local mental health team should be talking to you, although confidentiality is often quoted as an excuse. Google "ten essential shared capabilities in mental health" to see documentation of how those supporting a recovery should be included. They need to be told he is regularly smoking dope too. Dope can be like poison to an unwell mind.

If you're not happy with his care, make a fuss, go all the way to the CEO of your local NHS mental health trust if you have to.

Good luck. Very much hope that he can be helped and a medication found that helps balance him and he will comply with.

Do ring Saneline or Samaritans for your own support, it's hellishly difficult supporting someone with severe mental illness and these organisations are very used to it.

All the way through this, you must remember that (as with addicts)
YOu didn;t cause his mental illness
You can't control it
You can't cure it.
It's good and kind of you to keep caring and wanting to help, but you must protect yourself and remember that you are important too (when you are the person closest to someone who is mentally ill, it's all too easy to forget that you have a life that is not about minding this person's illness). You are not (at least AFAIK) a mental health professional, being solely responsible for this man is beyond you.