Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is the reason for this kind of jealousy?

72 replies

electra · 04/04/2010 02:22

I'm in quite a new relationship. Initially, I was irritated by the man's attempts to make me jealous by things he was doing and saying and I explained to him that I do not appreciate boyfriends trying to provoke me because I'm not a jealous person and I think it is a very destructive emotion. After that things calmed down and I was feeling that everything was going ok.

Then on Thursday he went completely bonkers at me because I became friends with a guy on facebook, (who he knows), who I once slept with. He was convinced that I was gong to meet up with him (which I had no intention to do) I pointed out to him that I have no interest in this person now and that I haven't even seen him for a year and he doesn't live in the same town!

He seemed to calm down but then today sounded a bit strange and sent me a text which said 'If I ever find out you've betrayed me it's the end of you and me'. I was a bit taken aback by this and a bit upset because I haven't done anything and I'm not interested in this man I knew some time ago but am friends with on FB in the same way I'm 'friends' with a lot of people who I know, have a flick through their photos but don't see.

So what could be the reason for this outburst?

OP posts:
farmerjones · 04/04/2010 02:25

he has isshooos

he wants to break up with you and is taking the cowards way out.

SusieCarmichael · 04/04/2010 02:29

i don't think it sounds like he wants to break up with her...

he definitely has jealous tendancies, couldn't tell you why though.

sorry

ItsGraceAgain · 04/04/2010 04:00

Nutty, scary guy. From what you've said, it seems like he can't envisage a relationship unless it's defined by mistrust & jealousy. Well, either that, or he knows he is congenitally unfaithful and is projecting it onto you ...

... Which probably boils down to the same thing, different takes.
I dread to think how he grew up this way

Lucky for you, you are not his therapist or his psychiatric daily nurse. I'm sure he's got a billion great qualities but the doubt that made you post your thread is spot-on. Walk away calmly!

EricNorthmansmistress · 04/04/2010 07:57

Quite a new relationship - brilliant news. End it now. Controlling, jealous men like this are no good. Does it matter why he's jealous? Some people just are, and it's not your job to fix it or put up with it.

HappyWoman · 04/04/2010 08:02

sounds like a control thing to me - leave him now.

leoleosuperstar · 04/04/2010 08:04

Maybe he thinks this is the way to show someone you care?

Has a previous relationship ended with someone cheating on him?

I would be concerned that this may spiral out of control - did he expect you to cancel the friendship with this man on fb?

cake4ever · 04/04/2010 08:11

Mmmm. Well I've tried to put myself in his shoes and I think that if I was him I wouldn't feel overly happy that you added someone you slept with but that's where it ends. I think the way he has acted over this is a red flag.

I think he has a right to be a tiny bit concerned about it and maybe to have an honest, fact-finding conversation with you over it but not to go on and do what he's done. That is out of order.

If I were you I would walk away now because there will be worse to come.

By the way, I may have a skewed outlook on this one because I hate the destructiveness of Facebook and the heartache it can cause.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/04/2010 08:16

Run away, run away. It's not right nor natural, nor at an early stage of a relationship is it justified. Using words like "betray" when you've only been going out a short while? That's a bit dramatic, to say the least. He could be testing you, he could be deeply insecure or controlling, but whether it's a reflex or deliberate it is not a good sign for the future.

Although I must say Grace's suggestion is equally likely in this case: that he's a player, he tested you out to see whether it bothered you, now he's projecting his own behaviour onto you. If so, he'll give you many reasons to wrestle with your own jealousy over the years, until you yourself become the kind of person you despise - but you'll actually be right.

Own issue alert. I dated a jealous man. I thought he would learn that I'm not the cheating kind. He actually got worse. We were together for 23 years and he never trusted me. Or perhaps he did really, but wanted to keep me on the back foot with constant accusations, who knows?

When we were at the couple counsellor, our marriage on its last knockin's, he talked about "my men" and all the times I'd given him reason to suspect me. The counsellor just stared at him in incomprehension. "How long ago was this, again? 24 years. OK. And what made you think she was being unfaithful? All right then, what made you think she was thinking about being unfaithful? 'It was obvious.' Riiiiight."

Eventually I did flirt with one online contact and it was, strangely, a huge relief because I was finally not being wrongly accused. I was in a pretty sick headspace by that time! Wish I hadn't done it really, it just gave me something else to cry about. But it did its job. It caused XH to announce "this marriage is over", not only to me but to our children and all his friends and relatives, and finally gave me an out. (For the record, I never did meet the "other man", and am now triumphantly single. Reckon I've had thorough aversion treatment to the whole man thing.)

Pathetically, he still rings me up sometimes to tell me about the women he has various contacts with, as if he hopes I could care less.

TDiddy · 04/04/2010 08:21

electra the jealousy isn't the issue here but in fact the THREATENING text that he sent you is what worries me for you. The threats is a bad sign. Warning signs I think.

If you don't leave him then you need to have a chat with him and let him know that you will not surrender control to him, that you are a liberated woman and if he has issues then you are happy to talk to him, but that relationships are built on TRUST and NOT THREATS.

It sounds as though you may be better off dropping it now though.

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/04/2010 08:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/04/2010 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wubblybubbly · 04/04/2010 09:01

I don't understand why either. All I can say is that, IME, there is nothing you can do to reassure someone like this and it'll only get worse.

I honestly would be off like a shot electra, before you get sucked into this any deeper. Sorry.

Hassled · 04/04/2010 09:10

I'd run for the hills myself. It can only get worse from here.

Flame · 04/04/2010 09:29

I have isshoos w/r trust and jealousy, but saying that, I would have kept my issues hidden for longer than he has

I am getting help now.

It will destroy your relationship though if he doesn't get help

electra · 04/04/2010 09:33

crazydiamond - the reason he knows that I slept with this person is that he knows him. I don't ever knowingly try to provoke people I'm supposed to care about (or anyone else) I knew the person I slept with before him iyswim - this person is still interested in me but I've made it clear to him that nothing will happen now. I agree that it was fair enough for him to ask about it, but he should have accepted what I said. When I answered his questions and said I'm not interested in this guy he said he doesn't believe me and basically accused me of lying. I had a talk with him and said I'm not prepared to put up with irrational behaviour. I already had a relationship that ended because the other person tried to force me to admit to cheating when I hadn't.

The add of this person on facebook seems to have been the trigger for this whole thing - before that he seemed to be acting normal. When I talked to him he said he believed me but since then has seemed angry towards me and I feel somehow that I'm walking on egg shells.

As I said before, initially he was always deliberately trying to make me jealous and I told him to put a sock in it because that doesn't cut any ice with me. And he always seems anxious for me to know that others find him desirable, so perhaps he's insecure?

I'm feeling confused at the moment because I wasn't expecting this sudden turn.

OP posts:
YallaYalla · 04/04/2010 09:42

Sorry Electra but why are you even with this guy?

He spent the first part of your relationship trying to 'make' you get jealous - not a sign of a keeper, I'm afraid.

And now - at the very first opportunity - he flies off the handle about you adding a former boyfriend/partner as a friend of FB.

Why are you confused?? He sounds like a total nutter to me - you must get out of this relationship now. Sorry, but he sounds like a total arse.

ALARM BELLS are ringing here - get out.

GypsyMoth · 04/04/2010 09:47

yeah....alarm bells here too....it can only get worse

BertieBotts · 04/04/2010 09:52

I just want to echo what everyone else has said - it will not get better, he won't learn to trust you over time, you will likely never cheat on him, and yet he will treat you with suspicion, always, as if you have! He might even twist you so much that you start feeling all self-righteous about not cheating on him, because you start to believe how difficult it is to avoid cheating - in a healthy relationship, it's not.

If he is anything like my ex he will also be totally paranoid and you won't ever be able to have the tiniest little moan about him without him finding out and getting not just upset but hysterical about it.

He does sound insecure, and it is a shame, but don't make the mistake of thinking that if you stick with him, it will increase his confidence and make him trust you - it won't.

electra · 04/04/2010 10:27

I always seem to end up with the wrong people - it's very depressing. So the consensus is end it then?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 04/04/2010 10:28

Oh FFS bin this wanker straight away. Jealousy is a repulsive human trait and jealous people unbearable partners. People who are prone to jealousy need to sort themselves out, it's their problem to fix, no one else's.

BertieBotts · 04/04/2010 10:37

Unfortunately so Why do you feel you always attract the wrong people? Have you had similar relationships in the past, or different problems? Tell me to go away if I am being too nosy.

TheSteelFairy2 · 04/04/2010 10:45

electra My ex was like this very early on, I married him. during our relationship he cheated on me countless times and was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive.

To this day he still blames the horror of our marriage on the fact that I was still in touch (as friends) with ex boyfriends and that this undermined our marriage, I am talking an email twice a year if that, kind of contact. Apparently I should have dropped them all as soon as I met him and as I didn't he could never take our relationship seriously so was never faithful almost right from the start. He too used to throw himself around over this issue right at the beginning.

This will only get worse.

TheSteelFairy2 · 04/04/2010 10:49

What a ridiculous text message too, he sounds like an angst ridden fourteen year old. I would send one back saying "P*SS OFF and never call me again!"

electra · 04/04/2010 10:50

BB - how long have you got?

My ex-H and I were fine for years until one day he suddenly decided I was having an affair and started not only snooping on me all the time but also hiding my belongings and telling me 'things will not get better unless you admit what you've done'. I had been preoccupied with my oldest daughter's tribunal hearing and had been very immersed in that but he didn't accept this explanation. Soon after this we split because I couldn't cope with it and I developed manic depression soon after.

I then had a disastrous relationship with a man who hurt me, physically - he used to squeeze my ribs very very hard and bite my face and it eventually became clear he had about zero respect for me or my feelings while simultaneously saying he loved me. After spending any time with him I was always covered in bruises. He also claimed that all his ex girlfriends were 'crazy' and that it was their fault they had split up He's my youngest dd's father and has never seen her or bothered to ask about her - he disappeared while I was pg with her.

So you see, I don't have a good track record and evidently have no idea how to recognise when I shouldn't be with someone. I also find it hard to break up with people because I'm scared of their reaction / the fall out.

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 04/04/2010 11:00

Well you know what the fallout from this one is going to be. He is going to be convinced that you ended it because you really did want to screw around, and that's what he'll tell his next girlfriend. But really, it doesn't matter. That is his problem, and anyone who knows you will know it is rubbish. You can't stop him believing what he wants to believe, but at least you can stop him spoiling your life because of it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread