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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is the reason for this kind of jealousy?

72 replies

electra · 04/04/2010 02:22

I'm in quite a new relationship. Initially, I was irritated by the man's attempts to make me jealous by things he was doing and saying and I explained to him that I do not appreciate boyfriends trying to provoke me because I'm not a jealous person and I think it is a very destructive emotion. After that things calmed down and I was feeling that everything was going ok.

Then on Thursday he went completely bonkers at me because I became friends with a guy on facebook, (who he knows), who I once slept with. He was convinced that I was gong to meet up with him (which I had no intention to do) I pointed out to him that I have no interest in this person now and that I haven't even seen him for a year and he doesn't live in the same town!

He seemed to calm down but then today sounded a bit strange and sent me a text which said 'If I ever find out you've betrayed me it's the end of you and me'. I was a bit taken aback by this and a bit upset because I haven't done anything and I'm not interested in this man I knew some time ago but am friends with on FB in the same way I'm 'friends' with a lot of people who I know, have a flick through their photos but don't see.

So what could be the reason for this outburst?

OP posts:
Original poster
electra · 04/04/2010 11:14

Thesteelfairy - that sounds awful btw yes I can see how this behaviour could be about one person not wanting to take responsibility for their behaviour.

OP posts:
skidoodly · 04/04/2010 12:11

Agree with the others, get away from him. he sounds cntrolling.

Miggsie · 04/04/2010 12:17

electra...get on the narcissistic personality disorder thread...plenty of advice there about being habitually attracted to crap men.

Quite a few ladies who post found they went for men who had these behaviours due to how their parents treated them so they sought out similar behaviours as they had been conditioned in that way.

dignified · 04/04/2010 12:23

Electra , if you dont know how to recognise when you shouldnt be with someone you probably shouldnt be with anyone until this is resolved . Ive been similar in the past and ive been led into an abusive marriage i didnt want as i was afraid of his reaction !
These wankers give off warning signs within days , once you know what they are you can activeley watch out for them, you deserve better.

I would never ever tolerate irrational jealousy ever again , its not a sign of love, its a sign of something terribly wrong.
Mine would snoop on me, check my phone ect , id never done anything to cause a lack of trust. Turns out that in fact its him whos a cheat and a liar and he presumed that everyoone else was just like him.

SugarMousePink · 04/04/2010 12:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
electra · 04/04/2010 12:41

Thanks for all your replies.

'Quite a few ladies who post found they went for men who had these behaviours due to how their parents treated them so they sought out similar behaviours as they had been conditioned in that way.'

My parents have always been emotionally abusive towards me and I think I've grown up believing it's ok for people to do certain things if they say they love me. I am sure I need therapy but don't know who to approach and I'm sure it won't be available on the NHS - so how do I find someone reputable. I post so much about stuff like this that I irritate myself because I sound pathetic.

OP posts:
posieparker · 04/04/2010 12:53

Dump him, pronto.

dignified · 04/04/2010 12:56

I looked on line Electra and found a womans centre locally , they deal with emotional abuse /domestic violence ect even though i had left my marriage It was the best thing i ever did , theres bound to be some in your area .
In the meantime, as someone else suggested , go over to the other thread, theres lots there about how upbringing affects relationships. And your not pathetic !

BelleDameSansMerci · 04/04/2010 12:56

electra - with regard to this man, I think you should get out now as jealousy is hideously corrosive and his extreme reaction is alarming.

With regard to your past, etc, counselling/therapy is available via the NHS but you do need to go to your GP first.

I had a very odd upbringing and am completely crap at relationships. I don't tend to go for those who are aggressively abusive but I certainly don't choose relationships that are good for me. It's hard to fix but it is is do-able. I'm taking a break from it all at the moment - the return hardly seems to warrant the investment.

I do think it's worth taking some time to think about you and what you want from a relationship and definitely look into the therapy option. There are also some very good self help books out there.

Sending you cyber strength! x

dittany · 04/04/2010 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrsboogie · 04/04/2010 13:42

Its a good thing that you can see what he is doing and what his game is. But please don't think that so long as you keep your bearings as to what is normal behaviour and what is not acceptable that he won't be able to escalate things. He will wear you down one way or another if you stay with him.

The longer you leave it the harder it will be to end it - you will find yourself looking for excuses to finish it but not having any good enough. At this stage in a relationship what he has done is more than enough cause for you to end it.

You have GOT to sort your own self out before you get together with any more men.

Original poster
electra · 04/04/2010 14:13

I know I need to end it but I am not sure how and to be honest I'm a bit afraid of his reaction. You are all right - I see that.

Thanks also for the suggestions - dittany I have a book called "Men who hate women and the women who love them' and will look at the one you suggested.

I do also read the stately homes threads and occasionally post. I will go and look at the personality threads too. Thanks again for all your support.

OP posts:
thumbchick · 04/04/2010 14:15

jealousy and mistrust are his "norm". He might be able to get over it, he might not - question is, do you want to help him/ hang about waiting for him to get over it, or would you be better off cutting your losses now, as he may never get over it and you would end up living under a cloud of suspicion.

dittany · 04/04/2010 14:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gay40 · 04/04/2010 14:54

I can never really understand the issues people have with "what went on before we met" type of thing.

Whoever you slept with was surely done and dusted before you got together, else you'd BE with that person.

Your new relationship sounds unhealthy and I agree with eveyone else: tell him to sling his threatening hook and find someone who doesn't play headgames.

mrsboogie · 04/04/2010 15:11

electra tell him quite simply that you cannot be in a relationship with someone who behaves as he has done. He is not the person you thought he was.

If he feels it is acceptable to issue threats by text message then he shouldn't find it too much of a leap to be dumped in a similar fashion.

Just text him back and say that he "betrayal" text is a load of nonsense and has turned you right off him.

Then turn your phone off for a few days.

SugarMousePink · 04/04/2010 15:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JuJusDad · 04/04/2010 17:21

Late in the day, but www.mind.org.uk/help/mind_in_your_areaMIND do free, open ended counselling.

There's no means test, you just fill in a form, and as soon as they have someone, you go along. HTH

Bucharest · 04/04/2010 17:34

Nothing to add, just sending you strength vibes to bin him.

BertieBotts · 04/04/2010 18:02

You could look at a Pattern Changing course, run by Women's Aid - you don't have to have been in an abusive relationship to go on it but it can help break cycles you find yourself in WRT relationships. You need to search for it + your local area as they have different things in different places. I don't know whether the course is free or not.

autumnblaze · 04/04/2010 18:03

This is not normal behavior, GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!! You will not be able to change this aspect of his personality it will only get worse.

Miggsie · 04/04/2010 18:07

Electra...the poster "itsgraceagain" posts some really insightful stuff on her abusive childhood and subsequent relationships. I would recommend you search her posts on the narcissitic personality threads. I think she has been where you are now and she gives some really good advice and posts.

I find her posts brilliant as I had an abusive grandmother...the family never would admit it, and it really made some of my childhood awful.

FabIsGettingThere · 04/04/2010 18:12

The reason to me is he is trying to control and own you.

I think it would be wise to finish this relationship and you don't have to give him a reason. Just say you don't want to see him anymore.

chipmonkey · 04/04/2010 19:41

Electra, seriously get out. He's not your problem, you can't fix him and if you stay, your life will be a living hell.

jewishlady · 04/04/2010 20:27

I agree with the others advising you to GET OUT quick.