What is the reason for this kind of jealousy?

[electra]

I'm in quite a new relationship. Initially, I was irritated by the man's attempts to make me jealous by things he was doing and saying and I explained to him that I do not appreciate boyfriends trying to provoke me because I'm not a jealous person and I think it is a very destructive emotion. After that things calmed down and I was feeling that everything was going ok.

Then on Thursday he went completely bonkers at me because I became friends with a guy on facebook, (who he knows), who I once slept with. He was convinced that I was gong to meet up with him (which I had no intention to do) I pointed out to him that I have no interest in this person now and that I haven't even seen him for a year and he doesn't live in the same town!

He seemed to calm down but then today sounded a bit strange and sent me a text which said 'If I ever find out you've betrayed me it's the end of you and me'. I was a bit taken aback by this and a bit upset because I haven't done anything and I'm not interested in this man I knew some time ago but am friends with on FB in the same way I'm 'friends' with a lot of people who I know, have a flick through their photos but don't see.

So what could be the reason for this outburst?

Yep, run away fast. I've been out with men like this and despite loads of bluster during the relationship, once I'd ended it, I never heard from them again. The pride thing seemed to get in the way. Hope it does for you too. But please don't carry on seeing him because you're afraid of what he might do if you dump him - guaranteed route of pain all round

Has the original OP come back yet?

This guy has serious issues and needs counseling. His aggression and paranoia are not healthy, especially when in an early relationship, things are supposed to be almost like a honeymoon period. As others have said if he is already behaving this way, that is NOT a good sign.

I'm sorry to say (and I don't usually recommend this) but I think you need to end this relationship now. He is bad bad news and the longer this goes on, the harder it will be to end. But you do not want a relationship with someone like this it'll only leave mess and destruction behind it.

Electra: once you have dumped this particular dipstick, maike a pledge to yourself that you will stay single until you have sorted yourself out a little. Because TNH it sounds like you are in a bit of a mess, not recovered from or coping with bad things that have been done to you in the past, and sadly this means that you are giving out a vibe that says to nice men 'messed up and vulnerable' so they stay away feeling unable to help you/cope with your problems - but people who have not had the chance to process their bad experiences properly and accept themselves are unfortunately very attractive to predators. Bad men are recognising, on an almost unconscious level, that you are a woman who has been conditioned to put up with a certain amount of abuse - women who are comfortable with themselves and used to support and love from those close to them can usually detect a tosser and say 'Piss off mate, I'm not putting up with this'.
It is NOT YOUR FAULT that other people's mistreatment of you has left you this vulnerable, but for your own safety you need to put yourself first for a while and steer clear of dating ti ll you are stronger.

This man WILL only get worse. Take it from me.

You need to get rid of him now. Better alone than where that will all lead to.

run for the hills my dear. i had a bf like that, started out exactly like your tale and in the end he went mad. turned into a stalker, calling my friends, harassing my parents and relatives, waiting for hours outside my office.

my 'head case bf' grew up like this, probably left behind by a mum that couldn't take care of him (she admitted that to me once) but hey, I'm not a shrink and he was depriving me of oxygen. I felt trapped and had to leave. Scenes and crying all the while.

Leave while it's all fresh and cut the cord. It won't get better and it's not your job to hold his head above water.

Good luck!

Thanks again for all your replies. I am finding it difficult to break up with him because he has already got a hold on me. I think that you are all right and I need to end it. I did try and he said that his reaction was because he loves me (I know, I know).

SGB - I agree with what you say about who I'm attracting and why - it makes sense.

No matter how difficult it is or any emotional blacknail he uses, this really is for the best. Do it by text? Turn phone off and go and stay with a friend for a few days, worse case scenario, so he cannot bother you by knocking on door etc.

You need to put some distance between you asap.

Electra, nobody deserves to be treated like this by anyone.

Please walk away from this relationship now. I promise that you'll look back in a few months' time when the dust has settled and be hugely relieved that you escaped. He sounds like he has ishoos and they won't just disappear. Things will only get worse and worse, not better.

everytime he says 'i only do it because i love you', in your head change the word 'love' to 'control'

please break away from the imaginary hold and tell him it's over

am rather late to this thread (unusually for me)

who fucking cares why inadequate wankers like this try to control the people they supposedly love ?

this is a red flag

heed it

and fucking bin him, pronto

yeah af.. What kept ya?

I know, gh

< ahem >

call it real life...the bastard

electra really think that a man needs to show that he loves you, not just say it. I don't think this man's behaviour seems very loving...

fleeeeeeeeeeee

Electra: It's PERFECTLY OK to say to someone ' I don't want to be in a relationship with you any more. Please don't contact me again.' And if he continues to pester you, you can involve the police (two incidents of unwanted contact are enough to get someone spoken to by the police and given an official warning to desist, if the person carries on harassing after that, they can be arrested and charged.)

electra- do remember that lots of violent men claim to love their DP. Not saying this guy is violent but he sure sounds scary!!

electra - get rid of him! these types of guy only ever get worse, and can only ever be in a chaotic controlling relationship; in which you will tread on eggshells contsantly and never be allowed the privilege of knowing where you stand. and those are the highlights of such a relationship!
take care of yourself, and stay safe, emotionally safe x

Yes, please listen to SGB and Dittany et al on this one. Just tell him it's over, then disengage.

Do you have a friend you can practise with? I'm serious, if there's someone you can roleplay the conversation with it'll help. Get them to try and trap you into justifying yourself, and see if you can keep to the script.

Sometimes people tell you exactly who they are, and he has done you this favour early on.

He will never change. The only person who will change if this continues is you, and not in a good way. You will eventually be destroyed by this man, emotionally, psychologically, maybe even physically. The sort of jealousy he has displayed is more likely to lead to physical abuse than any other dysfunctions; this man could end up being very dangerous.

You have an absolute right to say, It's over. Don't get in touch. I won't answer any communication from you. I don't want to see or hear from you again. Bite the bullet. Swallow this pill. Gut it out. This might be the most important thing you do for yourself and your children, ever. (Because he will not stop at you, hope you understand this). I like the roleplay idea. Womens Aid might be a good idea too -- a chat with a counsellor there might give you some ideas.

Love does not mean the same thing for him that it does for other English speakers. What he has in mind when he uses the word love is not what you understand by it. He means he loves manipulating you and seeing you ground down and submissive.