Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you tell the bride?

95 replies

thesehorriblemen · 02/04/2010 13:00

My ex dp is currently arranging a Stag Do for his best friend. They are going to Amsterdam, overhearing a conversation between them is is clear that they are going out there to "be with" as many prostitutes as possible during the time they are there.

I couldn't give two hoots about my ex quite frankly but I know the bride to be, I am invited to the wedding, not going for various reasons but it really makes me feel quite bad that this girl is excitedly arranging her wedding and her groom to be is doing this.

I won't tell her, no good can come of it, but I really want to!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2010 20:54

Thing is you telling her will not do any good, because she (and the blokes) will decide that you are a bitter vengeful cow who is making it all up or something. She's not really your problem so you would be best off letting it go. She's already closing her eyes to this man's unpleasant attitude by the sound of it and she won't thank you for trying to point the truth out to her.

ljgibbs · 02/04/2010 21:18

Malificence, why do you call them tarts in your last post but earlier posts you are saying a lot of them are there against their will?
You cannot call them tarts they are victims.
FWIW I would tell the bride.

Original poster
thesehorriblemen · 02/04/2010 21:30

I agree SGB. Not going to tell her. Hard as it is she will have to find out for herself. I wouldn't have believed it if someone had told me my ex p was doing back in the far mists of time when I thought we were happy, but once he confessed all it appeared he had been doing it right from the start of our relationship and I shouldn't think she will believe me either.

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 03/04/2010 16:41

I think you should find a way to tell her that you have heard they are planning on doing this. It feels wrong in a way to keep quiet though I don't expect anyone to agree with me.

Magaly · 03/04/2010 16:58

You could think about passing the buck a bit and telling her sister if she has one, and saying, look, i know that if I say this to her I'll just come off as mad, so I'm telling you because you care more about her future than I do. I am handing over this information to you and you can either let it go if you think I'm mad, or, if this consolidates your own misgivings you can act on it. over to you.

Cadelaide · 03/04/2010 17:00

God, no, I wouldn't say anything.

Nothing to do with you really, is it?

bossyboop · 03/04/2010 18:50

Is is possible to tell someone who you know will go back and tell her...but then it may still backfire on you.

My dh went to amsterdam and had a look in the red light district, which tbh if i went there i would go as well after all its one of the things its most famous for! He said the women were hideous so maybe when they get there and see what its like they may not be so keen.

If she isnt really that close a friend then i guess walk away from it. Its obviously playing on your mind but i dont think any good would come of it if you say anything.

When catching up with some old work colleagues I found out the boss had been keeping one of the girls back for some 'overtime' he is married and its really sad especially when he is friends with her on facebook and has a photo of her in one of his work photos albums. His wife is on facebook too but in the end i deleted him . Wasnt my place to say anything and as it made me feel uncomfortable i just deleted him and feel better for it.

Original poster
thesehorriblemen · 04/04/2010 10:58

No it isn't really anything to do with me but it makes me feel horrible when I see her Facebook updates talking about the wedding and how happy she is, actually makes me feel quite sick because I remember when I found out about ex dp, how awful it was and the fact that he was doing it while I was pregnant etc, putting both me and the dc's at risk and I didn't have a clue.

Again though as I said before I don't think she would even believe me, I certainly would not have done if anyone had told me.

OP posts:
SugarMousePink · 04/04/2010 12:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CwtchyMama · 04/04/2010 14:33

Could you post an anonomous letter?

Eurostar · 04/04/2010 14:57

Really sorry to hear that you went through that with your ex. If I really thought the husband of someone I knew was using prostitutes while she was pregnant, I would tell them. There's a lot of STDs that are innocuous at most times but can cause miscarriage or damage to a baby if caught during pregnancy.

zazen · 04/04/2010 15:06

I'd let the guy know you know.

And he doesn't need a passport to travel or work within the EU Duelingfanjo - DUH! Is the Euro really that alien to you it'll be east angular next, no doubt

SugarMousePink · 04/04/2010 15:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SweetGrapes · 04/04/2010 17:14

Bit beside the point but anyway...
how do you know it's a british national going and not someone here on a work permit?

Nancy66 · 04/04/2010 17:15

An anonymous letter is a TERRIBLE idea - what a thing to do to a bride just before her wedding.

OP - You keep posting about your Ex H and all the terrible things he did to you.

I just don't believe that this isn't about you and your (understandable) bitterness.

You're not even going to the wedding and say you don't now the couple that well - so why the obsession?

Original poster
thesehorriblemen · 04/04/2010 19:12

I don't "keep" posting obsessively at all!

When I come on MN I see responses to my thread and I answer them, in common with all other posters on MN I should imagine.

I explained my ex's actions in response to people questioning how sure I could be about his and his friends actions and whether it would just be male bravado ec.

"I just don't believe that this isn't about you and your (understandable) bitterness."

Don't you? Oh well.

Anyway will leave this thread alone now before I am accused of any more bunny boiling type behaviour.

OP posts:
kittycat37 · 04/04/2010 19:50

Nancy66 - what ARE you on about?
thesehorriblemen - I haven't had the impression that this thread is all about you at all - just concern for your friend. I'd still try and tell her, if only for your own peace of mind, it's causing you stress after all.

Nancy66 · 04/04/2010 19:56

you've both completely misinterpreted what I meant.

I was trying to say that it seems apparent that the OP's feelings on this subject are as a result of the way her ex partner treated her....

It wasn't an unkindly meant post - just a realistic one based on something that seems blatantly obvious.

strawberrymarks · 04/04/2010 22:13

It is absolutely none of your business what any of them do. Suggest you get involved in other areas which do not involve meddling and gossip.

ineedabodytransplant · 04/04/2010 23:48

Mal, you seem very upset about prostitution. I am in no way condoning the use by some men of women who are being used as objects rather than human beings. I appreciate that there are some real low lifes in this world(both men and women) who use/abuse/denigrate women, but some women who are in prostitution actually choose this way of life. I know it will be only a few and I know not the best way to earn a living but that is what they do.

As a bloke who has had celibacy enforced upon him(no more details)even I wouldn't want to go with a prostitute. I have been to Amsterdam several times and some of the women on offer would induce the droop!!

Seriously, though. If I was daft enough to go on a stag do to Amsterdam, if I was about to get married the last thing I would be thinking about was how many prostitutes I was going to have. Personally I may be in the minority but condoms or not I wouldn't want to have sex with a women who is lying there working out her hourly rate!

preparing to be flamed

runnybottom · 05/04/2010 00:07

You do need a passport to travel from the UK to the Netherlands.

And he's a dirty fucker and OP should tell her.

gerontius · 05/04/2010 00:13

So strawberrymarks, if you were getting married to this man, you wouldn't want to know what he was planning to do on his stag do?

kittya · 05/04/2010 00:18

But, Amsterdam? a stag do? I love Amsterdam but Im assuming they wont be going for the art galleries? I just wouldnt let him have his stag do there. Full stop.

Casmama · 05/04/2010 00:56

If it is well known within his circle that he uses prostitutes, is it possible that his future wife knows this about him, or at least knows he did it in the past? In that case I would imagine that she has her own suspicions.

Even if she knows there is nothing she can do to stop it. Even if she could persuade her future husband to have his stag do elsewhere I'm sure you could probably find prostitutes in any major city. I can't see that telling her would result in her cancelling the wedding etc so all it would probably do is really upset her and tarnish what should be a really happy time for her.

If this man is as bad as he sounds she will have to find out the hard way cos she would probably just think you were mad - she has a great deal invested in believing that her man is fantastic.

dittany · 05/04/2010 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swipe left for the next trending thread