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Original poster

Would you tell the bride?

95 replies

thesehorriblemen · 02/04/2010 13:00

My ex dp is currently arranging a Stag Do for his best friend. They are going to Amsterdam, overhearing a conversation between them is is clear that they are going out there to "be with" as many prostitutes as possible during the time they are there.

I couldn't give two hoots about my ex quite frankly but I know the bride to be, I am invited to the wedding, not going for various reasons but it really makes me feel quite bad that this girl is excitedly arranging her wedding and her groom to be is doing this.

I won't tell her, no good can come of it, but I really want to!

OP posts:

ericnorthmansmistress · 02/04/2010 15:22

My point was that there is no reason why the bride would assume that's what they were up to.

TrillianAstra · 02/04/2010 15:30

I agree with eric on what most people would get up to if they went to Amsterdam. So does DP.

VictoriasLittleKnownSecret · 02/04/2010 15:35

I think twopence worth has the best idea. If you were my friend I would wish to know. Whether I acted on the knowledge would be my decision.

To imply her intended husband is intending to do the same as your ex would be wrong. To inform her of your ex's intentions allows her to make her own mind up

Eurostar · 02/04/2010 15:55

They are going out there to "be with" as many prostitutes as possible? That does sound like male bravado - why would they want to be with as many as possible unless they are that sick that they want to collect different "types" of girl?

Not that they might not use a prostitute, lots of English men do on stags, saw loads of this in Prague, (is there any other nationality by the way that does this strange stag weekend thing other than the English?) Anyway, I wouldn't have any qualms about having an open conversation with all of them - I'd say that I heard them talking about prostitutes and wondered why they would think it would be good/fun/a challenge to do that?

ItsGraceAgain · 02/04/2010 16:01

Bless you lot, you're so sweet

The odds are over 8/10 that they are going on a shagfest. It's so usual, it's pathetic. On the upside, prositution is regulated in Amsterdam - so the chances that the hookers are healthy & free are much better than if they were going, for example, to Tallinn.

I wouldn't say anything to her. If she hasn't worked it out, it's because she doesn't want to think about it.

What are the hens doing?

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2010 16:05

Unless you realy consider this girl a friend, you actually need to stay out of it. Because if the bride to be knows you as 'the woman [yourXP] dumped', then anything you say will be interpreted as 'guess what that mad cow you dumped is saying now!' and disregarded as you shit-stirring.
If she is a friend of yours, though, the plan of saying that your X is going to buy sex over there but making no comment on the groom, is the best one as it leaves it up to her to negotiate the boundaries with her fiance.

bossyboop · 02/04/2010 16:24

Ages ago my best friend was in a relationship with an awful lad, anyway, one of his best friends was coming between them. He was manipulative, coniving and a compulsive liar, (which was my opinion and I later found out it was also the opinion of my neighbour who goes to church with his mum) me and this friend dated for about 4 weeks, i saw straight through him and his petty lying e.g. saying i sent him texts saying i love you pleased dont leave me, when in actual fact he sent that text to me and i broke up with him during a row on the phone and hung up on him, despite the fact the line went dead he continued the conversation with himself and let everyone hear that he dumped me on the phone even tho i had already dumped him and hung up! Its all petty stuff, we were 19. He was causing them to row and encouraging her bf to be mean to her but then would act as agony uncle helping them to sort their problems even tho he caused them and they thought he was great helping them!

Anyway, my point is this, when i tried warning her about this lad, it looked like i was the bitter ex gf even tho i ended it coz he was bad news. My friend told her bf everything I had said and she was left having to choose between him and me. Of course she chose her bf and im not surprised, he controlled her in a way as well, but she loved him so i wasnt angry about it i understood. So I lost a best friend and it looked like i was causing trouble when really i was looking out for a friend. Its a tricky situation. What if she tells him you told her and his mate your ex says you are lying to stir things up or because you are jealous. So it could risk this friendship, but my gut instinct is she should know, but if you are made out to be a liar it could risk the friendship and he gets away with it anyway.

DuelingFanjo · 02/04/2010 16:29

"Now, I would presume any bloke off to Amsterdam would be up to no good."

i know lots of men for whom the 'no good' would just be smoking some super strong skunk. Not every man who goes there is there for sex!

Original poster

thesehorriblemen · 02/04/2010 16:59

Sorry been out all day and only just got back.

Will try to answer some questions and points made.

Firstly not trying to stir up anything, why would I, we have been over for ages. Secondly I know it is not just male bravado because it is the reason that ex dp and I broke up and his "friend" is well known in their circle for it (nice bunch, yes?). Not going to wedding because they are more ex dp's friends than mine and we have dc so babysitters difficult as everyone going to wedding.

I know as sure as I know my own name that they will do this, they really don't see it as a problem.

I don't think I can possibly tell her because I think she may well think as some of you did that I am bitter about the breakup, try over the moon with relief and you might be closer .

I just feel sad about it all really, I see her updates on a social networking site and she is so excited and this is what he is planning.

OP posts:

FabIsGettingThere · 02/04/2010 17:07

Talk to the groom, alone, and ask if casually what his plans are?

Original poster

thesehorriblemen · 02/04/2010 17:09

He would never tell me in a million years Fab, he plays the totally genuine, well meaning guy with me and always has.

OP posts:

Miggsie · 02/04/2010 17:11

sounds like it is just a question of WHEN she finds out the bloke is a horrible git and a liar and she leaves him...before or after she marries him?

Even if you don't tell her, she will get this grief at some point down the line.

Bad situation whatever you do.

Miggsie · 02/04/2010 17:12

Oh, I would say soemthing, but 10 to 1 she ignores it.

freedomiscoming · 02/04/2010 17:14

I would tell having said that its easier said than done.

kittycat37 · 02/04/2010 17:21

thesehorriblemen - tell her, what have you got to lose? If you don't, she has a lot more to lose longterm.

Just say you know your ex DP and others are planning it (for themselves) and you wanted her to know in case that worries her - that allows her to save face with you, rather than making her feel too naive...she'll surely put two and two together.

They sound like a truly revolting bunch and you'll be doing her a favour in the longer term.

Malificence · 02/04/2010 17:25

I would have to tell her, what she does ( if anything) with the information is then up to her. If it sows even a tiny seed of doubt in her mind that can only be a good thing.

Did you hear both sides of the conversation when these plans came to light?

You could always say something casual like " I wonder how many prostitutes xp is going to shag in Amsterdam, I hope he hasn't arranged any surprises for your p, that's just the type of thing he would think was funny " .

It's unbelievably revolting, she's not in for a happy marriage, that's for sure.
Much better for her to ahve her eyes opened to him now than when there are any children involved.

FabIsGettingThere · 02/04/2010 17:37

Tell her anonymously?

BigBadMummy · 02/04/2010 17:49

Prostitution in Amsterdam is well monitored and the girls have to be tested regularly so getting an STD from them is less likely than getting something from picking up a girl in a club.

Stag dos in Blackpool are no less likely to end with all the guys in bed with various girls than stag dos in Amsterdam to be honest.

However, the point about sexual slavery is valid.

And the gangs that run the brothels in Amsterdam mean that by paying for it you are buying into organised crime.

To be honest, I wouldnt say anything.

Surely this bride knows her husband and it really isn't any of your business. She may well see it as you trying to get revenge by ruining all your ex DP's hard efforts.

It is more than likely that it was all male bravado and they wont do anything with girls other than go to a few shows.

It is down to her husband to be open and honest about this. And in all honesty if he isnt being honest about it then there are far more problems in this relationship than prostitutes in Amsterdam.

SugarMousePink · 02/04/2010 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Malificence · 02/04/2010 17:59

"It is more than likely that it was all male bravado and they wont do anything with girls other than go to a few shows."

Oh, that makes it all perfectly ok then!

Every woman's dream, her soon to be husband watching some tart shoving a banana where the sun don't shine, but at least he didn't shag a hooker eh? .

ImSoNotTelling · 02/04/2010 18:16

"and, to be frank, having sex with a prostitute who will insist on a condom is far lesk risky than picking a girl up in a UK club. "

Nice.

kittycat37 · 02/04/2010 18:26

BigBadMummy - the OP has already said she has very good reason to know it's not bravado.
Even if it is, it's totally gross and I'd want to know if my DH to be thought that was 'ok' with his mates whilst showing a totally different version of himself to me.

kittycat37 · 02/04/2010 18:27

that = that sort of bravado

Original poster

thesehorriblemen · 02/04/2010 18:32

It really is NOT male bravado. I know my ex p and I know his friend. They are men who have a deep sense of entitlement. I lost count of the amount of times I removed "cards" from my ex's pockets after he came home from a night out. He even stopped seeing this friend for a short while after I found out and he phoned him in front of me to explain why he couldn't go out with him ie because I had found out about what they got up to.

OP posts:

BigBadMummy · 02/04/2010 20:33

I didnt say that going to shows is acceptable. I agree that they are not.

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