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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How long would you expect before he tries to take things further?

90 replies

kittya · 02/04/2010 01:06

My friend has been seeing a really sweet guy for 3 months. They go on dates approx twice a week. He seems really keen but..... He hasnt made a move on her. He politely kisses her at the end of the night. She's stayed at his in the same bed and nothing. I think he may just be inexperienced or shy. She does like him and doesnt want to lose his friendship but, is started to feel unattractive. She thinks he just doesnt fancy her. They are going out tomorrow day and she wants to take things further but doesnt really know how to bring it up and she would hate to lose him as a friend. What do you think is the appropriate time gap and, what should she say to him?

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 02/04/2010 22:14

Fab: an adult who sees someone for three months without mentioning the subject of sex is either sexually dysfunctional or not interested. People who have reasons for not wanting to have sex (physical problems, superstitious taboos or trauma) usually mention this fairly quickly if they are otherwise keen to pursue the relationship.
Kittya: it sounds as though your mate is deluding herself a bit WRT the bloke's level of interest ie she is a lot keener than he is. Nothing wrong with being bisexual of course, and I kind of agree with her that the world would be a better place if more people were more open to it.

Original poster

kittya · 02/04/2010 22:23

yes, I know. Im sure its cos Im just not used to it and in time, she might be right. He's been so nice to her in so many other ways. She deep down knows the answer and is happy just to be really good friends with him if thats all it ever will be. It is communication at the end of the day, as long as she just doesnt come out and ask "are you gay or summat?"!!

OP posts:

hellymelly · 02/04/2010 22:25

Well I straight away thought maybe he is gay ,but also maybe he is still a virgin? I do think she needs to ask him outright,as it is rather odd.

Original poster

kittya · 02/04/2010 22:28

He's only young but I thought boys in their twenties would be up for it all the time!! thats her experience as well. Im glad its not me!

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 02/04/2010 22:35

Again- why do you think MN will hold the magic answer to someone else's sex life? We don't know him- the obvious response is that she should should talk to the guy. Same as I've suggested you do in the other sex thread you've started tonight.

Original poster

kittya · 03/04/2010 00:47

I havent started one. Sorry for the mistake. It was just for advice for my friend. Wont bother next time.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 00:54

Kittya:It sounds like the answer is 'He's Just Not That Into Her' and if she can accept it, fine, but if she can't then she's going to make herself and possibly him miserable. He doesn't owe her sex or a couple-relationship just because she would like him to be her partner.

Original poster

kittya · 03/04/2010 00:59

Oh, shes young thats all. And deep down she knows hes not into her in that way, for whatever reason. She's new to the area and it was all going so well, loads of nights out and meeting new friends. She just couldnt understand why he physically didnt try it on after so many good dates. Still, she will sort it out. Ive kind of been put off posting on here tbh, see post by BOF!! thanks for all your advice, its been helpful. Cheers!

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 03/04/2010 01:01

If he makes moves on the pub but not when they're alone, I would guess he's using her to say something either to himself about himself or to his friends, or the barman, and He's Just Not That Into Her That Way. But if she thinks something is not right she has the choice of finding out what's going on or walking away from the idea of a romance. The communication difficulties alone would make me draw a line under it and move on, tbh.

Original poster

kittya · 03/04/2010 01:05

Yep. Shes a great communicator normally, I expect she just finds it abit embarrassing. That comes with age though. Thanks.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 01:15

TBH (old bat alert here) I have been in similar situations in my younger days - lovely bloke, very friendly, spending time together but nothing more than a chaste kiss. And I would usually, after weeks or months of hoping, say something and invariably get an embarrassed but kind rebuff which would demonstrate that it had been all in my head anyway. Quite a lot of those blokes are still friends, which is nice.

Original poster

kittya · 03/04/2010 01:20

yes, its nice to have blokes that are friends. Ive never managed it. Perhaps because they were only interested in one thing and like a fool I thought that was the way forward. Bloody catholic girls schools!

OP posts:

pasqueflower · 03/04/2010 08:55

Have namechanged for this!

OP - your friends bf sounds like my dh, who was a virgin when we met and had only had one gf before me.

He was shy, very sweet, caring and very different to other men I had dated in that he didn't try to jump me on the first, or even the 10th date - I found it appealing as he was so gentlemanly. But I did then start wondering why he wasn't making a move as he was clearly keen on me.

In the end, we went out to an office party, I insisted he stay at my flat and jumped him! He'd just been too inexperienced to make the first move.

We married a few years later and have been together now more than 25 years.

Suggest your friend tries jumping this bloke and see what happens!

FabIsGettingThere · 03/04/2010 09:16

SGB - You have very forthright opinions of sex but sometimes you are wrong. Seeing someone for 3 months without sleeping with them doesn't make any one dysfunctional or uninterested. What is interesting in this case is neither have mentioned the subject but if they only see each other twice a week and haven't progressed past kissing then no wonder sex hasn't come up. You don't tend yo have one kiss and then straight to shagging.

The woman in this case has no real reason to complain as she is just as able to bring up the subject as the man.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 09:46

I'm not wrong, Fab. This bloke is clearly not interested nd the reason the woman isnt bringing it up is that she doesn;t want her nose rubbed in the fact. Unless you're a teenager/virgin, 3 months is a long time to date someone and not know whether or not you want to have sex with them.

bruxeur · 03/04/2010 09:55

Fab - SGB is clearly right. If they're seeing each other twice a week, and have been for the past three months, then that's about 25 "dates".

Bit different from your "you don't tend to have one kiss and then straight to shagging".

FabIsGettingThere · 03/04/2010 11:17

I just don't think dating someone for 3 months without having sex with them means they are dysfunctional. It is different and it would be less unusual if they had discussed it first but everyone has different opinions on these sort of things. There could be any number of reasons why they haven't shagged and it is only your opinion, SGB, that he doesn't want to shag her and she doesn't want to bring it up. How could you possibly know.

mathanxiety · 03/04/2010 17:50

I'm very nonplussed at all the suggestions that anyone should be 'jumped'. If a man tried 'jumping' a woman to see how she would respond what would we call that?

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2010 23:28

MA: You're right there, no one should 'jump' another person, which suggests something forceful and not respectful of the other person's wishes. However, every sexual relationship begins with one or other participant making some kind of physical or verbal clear approach to the other, and that is probably what people mean - that the OP's friend should either say 'How about a shag darling?' or at least slip in the tongue when kissing him. It's not wrong to make a sexual advance that turns out to be unwanted (though it is desperately embarrassing), it's only wrong if you try again or don't stop when you have had a response of horror, surprise or otherwise clearly indicative that the answer is No.

TDiddy · 04/04/2010 08:15

A couple of friends of mine dated for overa year and then engaged with him holding out for marriage. This frustrated the hell out of her. They are now happily married with children. I guess people find it more surprising if it is the bloke who is holding out.

Original poster

kittya · 04/04/2010 22:38

he spent all night telling her how into her he is. Still no action and shes confused.

OP posts:

RumourOfAHurricane · 04/04/2010 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 04/04/2010 23:06

Yep, definitely just needs to be spoken about openly. Sorry for being snippy to you Kittya- I tried to explain on the other thread last night, hope you're ok.

Mumfun · 04/04/2010 23:19

Lot of good advice. Just to say in my experience I know of several people who

waited long time to have sex -were shy in getting into it or other reasons. Some had strict social backgrounds etc
just had one ever boy/girlfriend in late twenties/even early thirties and not before. Several were very intellectual/bright and focussed on career/working very hard.
have never had sexual relationship as too shy/maybe asexual/maybe family problems messed them up

What Im saying is there are all types around - it is fine to be any of the above - value diversity etc etc.

Talking to him would help

Original poster

kittya · 04/04/2010 23:57

Do you know what I think it is? the social life that he has brought to her? Shes new to the area. I think she really likes him but, if she was honest, she likes the fun that they are having. Ive told her she might want to just be friends with him? She really likes him but it sounds too complicated to me. I havent spoken to her indepth yet as shes still recovering from all the clubbing last night. She's not usually this shy and she's not used to a man taking his time. Maybe he's just abit different to the normal blokes she meets.

OP posts:

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