Counting, Whenwill, Happy, AF and all of you?

[gonnabehappy]

I am spending a lot of time online at the moment. It is this weekend, the second anniversary of me finding out and just over a year that husband returned home.

The advice, especially that given to Cat, is fantastic. I have read and reread your posts.

What I am fighting with is this; I still don't really know from him why he had an affair. The most I get from him is an "I don't know".

It is an uphill battle here (mainly in me!). You may recall he only returned home when OW rejected him; he choose her. He also lied about lots for months.

Should I say to him; 'why?'. Have I left it too late. I feel like I need to know. I know some stuff, he found me unattractive, sex with her was fantastic, he hated(s) our life. You know, the financial grind and hard work boys. We have little in common other than the boys now. Over the last couple of years our relationship has turned into what he told the OW it was. We are usually friends and rarely lovers. Before OW I adored him. I still love him...I think.

Counselling - tried and have not found that right counselor and money is a real problem.

Please help if you can. He has this next week off work and I am on tenterhooks.

Gonna, you can't make like an ostrich for ever

gonna - that is very sad - imagine going through your life and not knowing who you are . Why would you do that???

I will admit that i have not always known who i am totally and probably still have a lot to learn - but that is the fun of the journey called life.

I want to be able to look myself in the mirror when i am old (and hopefully not be confronted by only wrinkles) but to be able to feel proud of who i am and what i feel.

I suppose i like to challenge some of the beliefs i thought i held too - i like learning.

I think you are not scared of learning about who you are but what you want to do with that knowledge........ tell me i am wrong now gonna!!!!!

And like i have been trying to tell my DD. We cant go through life only doing the things we want.

Sometimes we have to take the medicine to make it better.

And you maintain you're not passive aggressive Gonna...

Counting I remember feeling like that around the time of the year anniversary. Coming up to the 2 year mark now when my H's affair became "active" and this year, I do feel better than last.

Please feel that you can post with what ever is in your head, we'll see if we can help. Thinking of you.

WhenWill explain please.

Happy to Gonna.

I think I suggested this first on one of your other threads. I think you're PA with us sometimes.

Let me give you some examples. Have a look through your posts (do a search on your name) and note how often you write that you are "tired". I think I once said to you that you metaphorically "retire to bed" when anyone gets too near the truth or challenges you to do something you don't want to do. It's perfectly okay you know, to say "No, I won't do that".

Tonight, after a few more challenging posts suggesting that therapy really could help you, you say that you are "scared by our responses" and that you don't want to find out who you really are. I think that's PA too. I don't think you're telling us how you really feel. I think you've "taken to your bed" again, because something has hit the mark in what you've read.

It is perhaps what AF means about doing an ostrich impression?

Believe me Gonna, I am on your side, but I do think you're PA with your H and that one of the biggest issues from what you tell us about your marriage is that you don't express your wants and needs directly and honestly. You've given us two examples in recent posts of PA - the one I highlighted about your thwarted night out - and the one where you were complaining that he had promised to talk to you, but he still hadn't after 5 days. I asked you then, why did you need him to come back to you? Why didn't you say "I need to talk now" ?

Now this might make you feel a bit bruised and a bit defensive, but although as you know I get frustrated with you at times because of your PA, I am willing you to come out the other side of this. I wouldn't keep posting if I didn't care, honestly.

Gonna

Learning that you may be PA does not have to be a bad thing.

After all you want your h to face his 'demons' and change for the better. I think for my h the realization that he really did have some control issues was a shock to him. He could not have changed unless he had challenged his 'old' way of thinking. I too learned new ways to not allow myself to feel controlled.

Once you realise you act in a certain way you have the power to change - or not. Are you afraid of that power??

Yes it is exhausting and think retiring to your bed is ok sometimes - but i am also a firm believer that when you are ready you will no longer want to do that.
I had a duvet day the other day - (feeling drained because of another issue not related to this) - i gave myself permission to do nothing but then the next day came out 'fighting' again. No guilt, no worrying what h would think, fed the dc pizza..... feel more able to cope again now.

How would it feel to give yourself permission to not think about the past? If any thoughts pop into your head just say ' no - i will not think about this now - and quickly think of something else'
It sound silly but it can work with practice.
My worry is that you have not thought about the past enough yet - although i suspect you feel you have. That is where the theapy will help.

Hope you have a good day today.

I

I thought long and hard about how to reply to this (my first instinct was to reply 'fuck off' in summary of the PA 'diagnosis' - hope the humour translates into text!).

Anyway, WhenWill I am sure that if you have done a lot of reading about PA (studied as a professional perhaps?) you will be aware that, whilst it has been dropped from recent works, when it was used it was not diagnosed where there is depression. This is for a variety of reasons. I am however pretty sure that unlike me, you are not a psychologist, online diagnosis and confrontation would not be part of your armoury if that was the case.

You have great empathy but perhaps a somewhat inflexible take on situations. This is, of course, why your posts are often amongst the most helpful. However, please be aware that in my opinion,such posts can in fact do a great deal of harm. The last thing most people need when coping with depression and/or bereavement is further blame. There is a balance between accepting responsibility and blame that is hard to achieve (especially online) but I do think your last post crossed it.

I am off now, there is, now you have my profession, far too much here in the way of identifiable material. I felt that it was necessary to reveal this much in the hope that you would listen to what I am saying WhenWill although I am sad that I will forfeit the support of such a lovely bunch of people. On the other hand perhaps I have leaned too hard on virtual support...and need to seek it in the real world. I hope I have the courage to do that. HW making a life with friends is perhaps the best advice you have offered me. It is just so hard to make yourself do it; when I make arrangements I frequently wimp out. A lunch date with a couple of girlfriends last Friday was one among many examples.

I will keep reading and who knows maybe one day will rejoin with a new name, a new email and a new identity in many senses of the word!

I wish everyone the best and continue to thank HW from the bottom of my heart. HW I have listened and read your posts again and again, I think you are suggesting a combination of CBT and compassion towards self that is very useful. I wish I still had your email but I don't. Take care.

Gonna - what a strange post. You told us last summer that you were a psychologist, so there was no need to worry about revealing too much today.

I can't diagnose anything - and wasn't trying to. It would be impossible to do so online. I can only post what I wonder about, based on the written word.

There's also absolutely no need to discard others' support - I will just not respond to your threads unless like this one, you ask me to. What you do about your posting activity on Mumsnet is your choice - and I do hope you get the support you need, which might not necessarily be what you want. Good luck.

gonna you can still cat me if you want to start up again.

I will have a look and see if i have your emial.

Please dont think anyone is blaming you for anything - i certainly am not.

I have suffered from a really bad bout of depression many years ago and i am of the opinion that it never fully leaves you. Like some many other things it is something you have to learn to live.

One way to look at it is to decide to be defiened by who you are not your depression. And believe me when you are suffering from depression it is very very hard to even remember who you are.

I do still struggle with that at times - the comfort of the dark tunnel of depression is so inviting sometimes - and i also think it can be a bit addictive. (even though i know it is not a nice place to be sometimes i just want to wrap that darkness around me - iyswim).
I went out on friday with friends - it was a real effort though and i could have so easily wimped out. I am glad i didnt - but at the time i was just sooo tired and wanted to stay in. So i do have some empathy with you.

Please do try some small things for you - so the habit of going out will become more natural.
One of things that still makes me smile is that i have made some wonderful frineds on here - even had a couple of meetups - i would never ever have thought i would do that - its scary but great too.

Come on gonna - you can beat this and have the happy life you know is out there.
Please keep posting or cat me if you can.