So bloody bored of DP

[Dominique07]

I don't need anyone telling me I don't love my DP or I should leave him if I'm not happy, and I don't particularly want to be told I should be more understanding.

Most of the time I am... but right now I just feel a bit pissed off with our lot.

Can other people talk to me about their similar experiences? And what is the sensible thing to do? Just remain optimistic that one day soon he will be fine and get a normal job and live a normal life. I literally hate that we have to get housing benefit etc.

When I met my DP I knew he had a history of medical problems, but he did think there was nothing new on the way.
It probably brought out the maternal side of me to have to take him to Doctor's appointments and hospital appointments/ops.

Now we have a toddler to look after though its really becoming a PITA.

I don't know how to feel about it at the moment.
It is not like living with a normal human being right now. I go out to school training to teach, other people look after DS most days while my DP sleeps and generally hangs around the house.

When I first met him I gradually came to realise he had agoraphobia and helped him to come to terms with that and approach the GP about it.
He hasn't really had any proper treatment, and usually doesn't find it easy to get to new places for treatment, even if he took a taxi to the place he might give up if he has to cross the road to get to the surgery etc, due to general anxiety.
He had a stroke a couple of years ago and for some reason the symptoms of that only seem to be showing up now. He was working until a few weeks after the stroke.
The damage done by the stoke caused difficulty walking and worsens his anxiety, he feels people are looking at him and see something is wrong. It is quite hard to see something is wrong with his walking except he does feel very unstable and feels the ground is not level. He walks as though he were on a very rocky boat on the sea.

He is completely used to staying at home and sleeping. I feel like telling him how useless he is.
Some days he is ok... usually Saturday night when he wants to go out with his friends. He says the drinking suppresses his anxiety and he cannot feel the problems so strongly.
Currently he is trying a really strong medication to deal with his anxiety which is making it all so much worse. He gets numb limbs, insomnia, mood swings. And I've noticed him being randomly controlling, i.e. last night taking DS out of bed to stay up an extra hour with Daddy. I couldn't talk him out of it. I feel I have to be a control freak with him at the moment, telling him to do specific tasks just so I can feel he has done something in the day to contribute.

Just want to send him away from me, but at the same time I know this is a good opportunity to all spend time together, that some families miss out on just due to long working hours, etc.

Yeah it looks like it is a full moon!

depression and anxiety are very difficult things to deal with.
Maybe he feels guilty about what he is putting you through and he finds safety with his long term amtes at the pub. It is probably only a temporary feeling of well being for him and i am sure his feelings of guilt and uselessness flood back the minute he gets home.

You took him on knowing his medical history,so you made a conscious decision to stick with him and reinforced that by having his baby. i dont think telling him that he is useless will do anything other than make him feel emotinally worse. Try to just talk all his worries and anxieties through with him and ask him to help you as you are exhausted,but dont make him feel worse. BTW does he know what has triggered his depression/anxiety.

So glad you phoned the GP!

I'm really not qualified to advise, but sounds like your DP need post-stroke rehabilitation. Have you been in touch with any relevant charities who can offer advice? Forget the NHS - there are helplines out there for you.

You are SO allowed to feel crap about this situation, and the only thing I can suggest is grab as much counselling and support for yourself.

We live with my mum who is in her 80's. She still has all her marbles, but many of her friends have suffered stokes and/or dementia, and it is so hard to find appropriate help. But in the meantime, you must get support for YOU and your child.

Well, after having the stroke, he went onto Warfarin which means he is protected from having another stroke. He has to have regular blood tests to test the level of Warfarin in his blood, which involve standing in a queue of (sorry) old folks who apparently ask him why he is there, and tell him he is too young to be on warfarin, and he always takes a pushchair or a bike, if you've seen him you'd know it was him. He won't go out without some kind of support. So that's quite depressing for him.

Presumably, you were committed to this man BEFORE you had a child with him?
If so, you have a duty to stay with him. He is not violent, adulterous or abusive, so you've no reason to leave on these (very) reasonable grounds.
You have a child: you MUST make a go of it.
If you were childless, I'd suggest leaving but only with the acknowledgement on YOUR part that if this man IS faking it, to some extent YOU have encouraged these tendencies so resist the temptation to blame him completely.

inside your partner is probably a very frightened man trying to get out. Having a stroke at such a young age must knock your confidence for six and if he feels 'different' or abnormal because of the way he walks,that will make him feel even worse. His old friends that he sees in the pub probably see him as no different and accept his mild disability without judgement.
A neighbour of mine had a similat thing in his early 40's.He was working as electrician and whilst he was at a clients house, he suddenly noticed he was dribbling out of the corner of his mouth. His mouth pulled down to one side in a matter of minutes and his face looked as if he has had a stroke. He was diagnosed with Bells Palsy. It has left him with a paralysed mouth and he has to hold the corner of his mouth with his fingers to stop himself dribbling whilst talking. Even 10 years down the line he is still a very frightened person.

Dominique.......try and talk to him about his fears and get him to open up...i dont know if he bottles it up or not. sometimes having a good cry for many reasons helps depression. He will be angry,sad,frightened and all these emotions,bottled up,slowly destroy the person inside.

i suggest you speak to
www.differentstrokes.co.uk/ so he can communicate with younger stroke victims and not feel he is the only one.

The Role of Different Strokes - Our Mission
Different Strokes helps stroke survivors of working age to optimise their recovery, take control of their own lives and regain as much independence as possible by offering 'rehabilitative services', information and advice.

Different Strokes currently does this by:

?organising a national network of weekly exercise classes,
?providing practical, easy to use information for the recovering stroke survivor,
?offering a 'StrokeLine' telephone service so that younger stroke survivors can speak to other younger stroke survivors,

if he can meet up with someone even younger who has ahd a stroke and gone on to carry on living and deal with the after effects, then hemight feel positive he can do it.

offer him this....if he refuses to follow it up then you know he doesnt really want things to improve...

marantha - it maybe a duty by marraige vows in sickness and in health -but that does not excuse controling behaviour.... - everyone has a choice.... she needs a break.

maybe by getting regular respite short breaks from him she can continue to "do her duty" by him. let other people look after him. where are her breaks? sending him away from her for short times regularly may help them both....

no one should expect a wife and mother to martyr themselves...or the child...

"He will be angry,sad,frightened and all these emotions,bottled up,slowly destroy the person inside. " --and if you are not careful they destroy the partner/spouse too.

as his wife you need to take care of yourself as well. who is looking after you, OP?

yes i agree cestlavie.....dominique does need time for her too otherwise she will go under and complicate the matter. At the moment she is the stronger one and she said she is bored with dp......It is hard dealing with someone wo is depressed ..but her kind mothering nature made her want to 'mother' him in the initial stage.

it sounds horrendous for you. I have a bit of a useless DH but without any of the medical reasons of yours! Have to issue direct instructions about childcare and housework otherwise he doesn't seem to want to do anything to contribute to the running of the house at all! I knew this about him before we got married so can't really expect him to change now although I have got him trained up to do some stuff around the house! Perhaps giving your DP more responsibility for housework/childcare etc may make him feel better and give you a bit of a break? If he can get to the pub on a Sat I'm sure cooking dinner a couple of nights a week wouldn't be out of the question

Thanks there's some really good suggestions here, and its got me inspired, and us talking a bit more positively this week.

Yes yankybabymum he used to be really in charge of things like this at home, took a lot of pride in his cooking etc, maybe I can spur him on with it again.

I'm going to look up the websites suggested and direct DP to call the hotlines and join the forums.
He slept during the night last night and woke up with me this morning!
Its Easter holidays for me and I'm feeling a lot better and intend to do lots of fun things for DS and I.
I feel really mean about the title of my post now though.

Oh and he has today signed up for a course so he can study from home, i didn't make any suggestion myself so thats positive that he is going to be doing something more constructive.