Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So bloody bored of DP

87 replies

Dominique07 · 30/03/2010 15:22

I don't need anyone telling me I don't love my DP or I should leave him if I'm not happy, and I don't particularly want to be told I should be more understanding.

Most of the time I am... but right now I just feel a bit pissed off with our lot.

Can other people talk to me about their similar experiences? And what is the sensible thing to do? Just remain optimistic that one day soon he will be fine and get a normal job and live a normal life. I literally hate that we have to get housing benefit etc.

When I met my DP I knew he had a history of medical problems, but he did think there was nothing new on the way.
It probably brought out the maternal side of me to have to take him to Doctor's appointments and hospital appointments/ops.

Now we have a toddler to look after though its really becoming a PITA.

I don't know how to feel about it at the moment.
It is not like living with a normal human being right now. I go out to school training to teach, other people look after DS most days while my DP sleeps and generally hangs around the house.

When I first met him I gradually came to realise he had agoraphobia and helped him to come to terms with that and approach the GP about it.
He hasn't really had any proper treatment, and usually doesn't find it easy to get to new places for treatment, even if he took a taxi to the place he might give up if he has to cross the road to get to the surgery etc, due to general anxiety.
He had a stroke a couple of years ago and for some reason the symptoms of that only seem to be showing up now. He was working until a few weeks after the stroke.
The damage done by the stoke caused difficulty walking and worsens his anxiety, he feels people are looking at him and see something is wrong. It is quite hard to see something is wrong with his walking except he does feel very unstable and feels the ground is not level. He walks as though he were on a very rocky boat on the sea.

He is completely used to staying at home and sleeping. I feel like telling him how useless he is.
Some days he is ok... usually Saturday night when he wants to go out with his friends. He says the drinking suppresses his anxiety and he cannot feel the problems so strongly.
Currently he is trying a really strong medication to deal with his anxiety which is making it all so much worse. He gets numb limbs, insomnia, mood swings. And I've noticed him being randomly controlling, i.e. last night taking DS out of bed to stay up an extra hour with Daddy. I couldn't talk him out of it. I feel I have to be a control freak with him at the moment, telling him to do specific tasks just so I can feel he has done something in the day to contribute.

Just want to send him away from me, but at the same time I know this is a good opportunity to all spend time together, that some families miss out on just due to long working hours, etc.

OP posts:
Kiwinyc · 30/03/2010 16:10

Obviously you love him - but I think you need to tell him how useless he is and how incredibly one-sided the relationship is.

its very difficult being the partner of someone with depression or anxiety because the relationship is a one-way street and they are so self absorbed with their own problems that you are left high and dry with nobody supporting you.

This will probably sounds harsh but i would probably tell him that he needs to start helping himself, get proper treatment, start taking positive steps to recovery. You will be there to support him of course... but things can't continue the way they are, as you will only grow to resent him more and more and eventually your relationship will break down completely.

Another thing you can do and create more of a life for yourself - interests and activities outside of the relationship. Take advantage of the fact that he is at home to do things for yourself so that you don't have to feel totally dragged down by him, that you do still have a life of your own iyswim.

RealityIsWalking100K · 30/03/2010 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Hullygully · 30/03/2010 16:11

Oh dear. Talking about it is the first step. You don't have to rush into anything, just have a little think about the reality of the situation.

Hullygully · 30/03/2010 16:12

You is a big old terror, Reality. Are you wearing a hoodie?

LadyintheRadiator · 30/03/2010 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/03/2010 16:13

Dominique

I would also say that you are enabling your man here and its not doing either you or him any good at all. Enabling only gives you a false sense of control and it stops him facing up to his problems. It can delay any recovery.

You have one child, you do not need another one to look after as well. You are also not this bloke's mother.

I would also read up on co-dependency and he is indeed a terrible role model for your son.

I seem to recall that you have written about your parents before now but this has nothing to do with them. BTW is your Mum still on at you to make peace with your Dad?.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 30/03/2010 16:13

If you resent him (and it sounds like you do, not making any judgement on whether you have a right to or not) I don't see how it can work tbh. Have you told him how you feel?

RealityIsWalking100K · 30/03/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadamDeathstare · 30/03/2010 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dominique07 · 30/03/2010 16:15

O fuck! You're all kind of making me wake up to this situation. Well I don't know whats going to happen.

OP posts:
rubyslippers · 30/03/2010 16:17

It probably brought out the maternal side of me to have to take him to Doctor's appointments and hospital appointments/ops.

Now we have a toddler to look after though its really becoming a PITA.

this jumped out at me

it can be nice to look after someone but wearing if it is never returned

if he is well enough to drink with his friends on a Saturday night then he is well enough to be a good and involved parent and partner

Dominique07 · 30/03/2010 16:18

Yes, he does need to see a psychiatrist. I think he got chucked from the last one when he missed an appointment. On the waiting list again.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 30/03/2010 16:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lulumaam · 30/03/2010 16:19

it is not irretriveable,. it is easy to fall into this, but some straight talking is needed.

from both sides

what does he do in the day?

Condensedmilkaddict · 30/03/2010 16:21

Dominique you have copped some harsh words, especially the first two posters.

But I agree, I would be very suspicious and furious if he suddenly got better for a night out with his buddies.

You sound smart - are you really going to fall for this?

I feel for you. It sounds though as if you are really busy trying to do 'the right thing' all the time.

What do YOU want?

MadamDeathstare · 30/03/2010 16:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dominique07 · 30/03/2010 16:22

He is working on some music, using the computer, after years of us being together there is an opportunity for him to make some money out of it. He does work on it every day. He has been jobhunting, sending out CVs and there is a possible job. But if the phonecall comes I doubt he is fit to work at the moment.

OP posts:
MinnieMalone · 30/03/2010 16:24

You are supporting a partner with multiple health problems (mental and physical). You are bound to feel exhausted, stressed, resentful and all sorts of other mixed emotions.

Do you have any support? Professional or otherwise?

The thing that strikes me is that your husband seems to have given up trying and is comfortable in his infantile, 'victim' role. He needs to find away out of this trap. He is living half a life and expecting you to do the same.

Can you talk to him about seeking therapy? Can you find someone to come to your house if he is agorophobic?

It seems a huge burden for you to carry on your own. If you haven't already confided in someone (close friend and/or counsellor) I would suggest you do.

All the best.

Plumm · 30/03/2010 16:26

How often does he go out with his mates and where does he go/what does he do?

Dominique07 · 30/03/2010 16:27

I don't know what I want!
He does the involved parent and partner bit when he is feeling well too, we went to the cinema, and we took DS to a few museums lately.
No I can't go away right now, I've got jobhunting to do and i'm finishing my PGCE. When I'm finished with that I'm hoping to get away, with DS for a bit of the summer holiday. Can't wait!

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 30/03/2010 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Buda · 30/03/2010 16:30

Would agree with Madamdeathstare that strokes can lead to personality changes. My Mum had one which followed a few small strokes or TIAs. She def has had personality changes. Is also paranoid about certain things - thinks my Dad is having an affair with the man across the road! Your DH taking your son out of bed made me think of that. Maybe in his mind it made perfect sense.

I agree with others also that I am not sure I could put up with it long term. It is soul destroying.

IndigoSky · 30/03/2010 16:31

There is no way on this planet that he will hold down a job, even if he gets one. He is fobbing you off and giving you false (and imo dishonest) hope. He can't even make the effort to go and see a psychiatrist and makes zero effort to help himself and his health problems so why on earth would he turn up for a job interview or for work itself? It would quickly become too much of an effort and you'd be back to square one again. The job stuff is a red herring and a crock of shit I'm afraid.

His stroke symptoms are probably "showing up now" because it suits him for them to show up now.

This will drag you right down.

It will really fuck up your child's idea of appropriate behaviour for a grown man.

You need to see this man for what he is. Dishonest, lazy and a user.

I wish you the very best in dealing with this but I think it's going to be a hard slog.

Lulumaam · 30/03/2010 16:32

he might just need some more support.. some physio/occupational therapy etc, definitely some psychiatrict help to come to terms with things, and you need support too..

he sounds like with some encoragemet and feeeeling stronger,he could live a better adn fuller life

what other health problems did he have and are they still tehre?

Lulumaam · 30/03/2010 16:33

indigo, he has had a stroke

even the most determined malingerer could not fake a stroke