So bloody bored of DP

[Dominique07]

I don't need anyone telling me I don't love my DP or I should leave him if I'm not happy, and I don't particularly want to be told I should be more understanding.

Most of the time I am... but right now I just feel a bit pissed off with our lot.

Can other people talk to me about their similar experiences? And what is the sensible thing to do? Just remain optimistic that one day soon he will be fine and get a normal job and live a normal life. I literally hate that we have to get housing benefit etc.

When I met my DP I knew he had a history of medical problems, but he did think there was nothing new on the way.
It probably brought out the maternal side of me to have to take him to Doctor's appointments and hospital appointments/ops.

Now we have a toddler to look after though its really becoming a PITA.

I don't know how to feel about it at the moment.
It is not like living with a normal human being right now. I go out to school training to teach, other people look after DS most days while my DP sleeps and generally hangs around the house.

When I first met him I gradually came to realise he had agoraphobia and helped him to come to terms with that and approach the GP about it.
He hasn't really had any proper treatment, and usually doesn't find it easy to get to new places for treatment, even if he took a taxi to the place he might give up if he has to cross the road to get to the surgery etc, due to general anxiety.
He had a stroke a couple of years ago and for some reason the symptoms of that only seem to be showing up now. He was working until a few weeks after the stroke.
The damage done by the stoke caused difficulty walking and worsens his anxiety, he feels people are looking at him and see something is wrong. It is quite hard to see something is wrong with his walking except he does feel very unstable and feels the ground is not level. He walks as though he were on a very rocky boat on the sea.

He is completely used to staying at home and sleeping. I feel like telling him how useless he is.
Some days he is ok... usually Saturday night when he wants to go out with his friends. He says the drinking suppresses his anxiety and he cannot feel the problems so strongly.
Currently he is trying a really strong medication to deal with his anxiety which is making it all so much worse. He gets numb limbs, insomnia, mood swings. And I've noticed him being randomly controlling, i.e. last night taking DS out of bed to stay up an extra hour with Daddy. I couldn't talk him out of it. I feel I have to be a control freak with him at the moment, telling him to do specific tasks just so I can feel he has done something in the day to contribute.

Just want to send him away from me, but at the same time I know this is a good opportunity to all spend time together, that some families miss out on just due to long working hours, etc.

I am a health professional

stroke symptoms are not "delayed" in this manner

it may be that he is spiralling further into depression, as a result of his health problems

but blaming symptoms directly on a stroke showing up some time later is a falsehood

I did not say that he faked a stroke. I said that I do not buy the "delayed symptoms" of the stroke. The effects of a stroke are immediate.

Whislt growing up I lived in a household where my father was seriously ill alot of the time and it was manageable at others. However when he was in periods of dabilitating (sp?) illness he couldn't just get better to go out on a Saturday night.

Based on the information you've given he clearly has issues however one of them is attention seeking.

I'd give him an ultimatum to get up and out and back to work or get out.(And not just at the weekend for a few drinks!).

I think you owe yourself and son more. If he is seriously ill there will be some support for him but it shouldn't be you that has to give it.

You deserve better

the brain damage caused by a stroke is immediate

personality problems can develop over time, of course, however

ah right, i see waht you are saying

OK I will try and talk to my friends, if I have any left. I haven't seen them for a while. I just don't think they'll be very impressed with me.

how do you explain him taking ds out of bed as part of his illness?

how do you explain regular saturday night drinking with his mates? (a good excuse that one, use drink to numb it...)

you said "we now have a toddler to look after.." - well no not "we" You have a toddler to look after alongside a grown man-child.

you have two dependents... reminds me of my exP in some ways... (he will still ask me to send the dcs to him "with a picnic ready for our trip out" no i dont think so...he has also been "illl" too adn there have been times he hasnt made contact at all...)

what psychiatric /therapy input is he getting? have you have a chance to consult with his neurologist and see what can be atrributed to the stroke? there should be more he can access in terms of help...

you do have a choice...

he can clearly look after himself during day, get himself something to eat, get out of bed to computer, get out with his mates....

carry on - or think what you want for you and child.

OP - you obviously feel very guilty about your reaction to him and I think you need to accept that feeling angry with him and his situation is entirely reasonable.

He needs to seek help and follow up on that. You can love him and you can help him but you cannot do it for him and I don't think you need to be more understanding or more helpful - you're obviously carrying everything as it is!
You say:
'The damage done by the stoke caused difficulty walking and worsens his anxiety, he feels people are looking at him and see something is wrong. It is quite hard to see something is wrong with his walking except he does feel very unstable and feels the ground is not level. He walks as though he were on a very rocky boat on the sea.'
If it is hard to see the problem is it possible that a lot of it is actually a reflection of his mental state? That symptoms haven't worsened at all but his perception of them has?

Do you have contact with a social worker through the hospital?

You say

why won't your friends be very impressed?

Dom - your friends are probably frustrated at the load you are having to carry alone. And if a bunch of faceless people in a chatroom can see how unhappy you are then imagine how hard it is for your friends to see you so unhappy for so long.

Speak to them. I think you'll be surprised at how helpful and supportive they will be. Honestly.

No social worker, mayber we should get one, I don't think he got a lot of the help he was supposed to. The GP mentioned recently that he should have received more help after the stroke.

It is the GP who says the walking problems are caused by the stroke. We are both confused by this.

well, yes, i imagine it would have done.. i would press for a referral for physio and occupational therapy .. he needs help and support to get back to a full as possibl elife

what were his other health probs and are they continuing..

He was born with a heart condition. It shouldn't be affecting him, he used to get palpitations which made the anxiety worse, but he is not suffering from this right now.

I'm not denying that your DH has had medical issues, however I think tbh that he's playing you like a sodding violin love....

If he can get his arse out of bed and go out with his mates on a saturday night, then he can get his sorry arse out of bed and give you a hand, a break, a night off, or whatever.

you are enabling him. Get some RL support, and tell him that he has to get help for what ills him, the agoraphobia etc. PLEASE YOURSELF, he's not going to step up and help anytime soon, unless the riot act is read to him.

I'm all for helping those that need help, but this bloke is taking the proverbial...

Dominique, don't think it is helpful for you to post on here and get answers from people who don't know anything or much about what strokes can do to the brain. They certainly can exacerbate previous personality tendencies.

Are you in touch with the stroke association? Perhaps the carers forum on the stroke association website would be a helpful place to post?

It sounds hard.

Can't imagine this is the life you or your DP want.

If he is willing for help maybe a neuropsychologist?

Also maybe find out about carer support organisations in your area. Look online or ask GP.

Partners with multiple health problems are a drain, no doubt about it and you'd have every right to feel tired, worn out and depressed.

Partners with multiple health problems who aren't trying (can go out drinking, can't go out to work) are a menace.

hmm, i know a few people with varying degrees of palpitations/murmurs etc

if he can go out drinking, he is not that ill

i agree, he is playing you to an extent

he needs help to get to the point he no longer wants to use his medical issues as a way to get out behaving like a responsible father and adult

I have been with my DH for 10 years and over time he has had numerous health problems arise, which have had an extremely detrimental effect on our quality of life as family. Yet he has always been able to go out to pub when he worts.

(spent a lot of time feeling martyred and distinctly pissed off!

Last year through no fault of his own he could have died and spent a month in hospital.

When he came out I explained to him that although I understood what happened wasn't his fault if he didn't do everything in his power to charge his lifestyle, diet etc to have done as much as he can to ensure it never happened again, I would leave him because I wouldn't put myself or our DC through that experience again if I thought he'd done nothing to try and prevent it.

He has changed massively and our quality of life as a family us so improved. He still has a tendancy to go out when he is too ill to and then spend days recovering and I put my martyred hat back on, but on the whole life is great now.

I will say one thing, as someone who suffered agoraphobia, when I was bad, there was no way I would go out with my friends, go to a cinema or museum. I couldnt even go and buy food, someone else had to do that for me.

It doesnt sound like he has agoraphobia and is an anxiety that he picks and chooses how and when it affects them.

I dealt with it be seeing a counseller, medication is unlikely to cure things on their own. But unless he wants to get better, it isnt going to magically happen.

Dom, I've been reading this thread and can't believe how harsh some of the other posters have been to you.

Well done for standing by your partner and the father of your child through a time of difficulty. This does not make you naive/an enabler/a doormat; it is a virtue. and hopefully he would stick by you if you went through a difficult time.

That said, you do need to help him pull himself out of this. It sounds like he's probably depressed, which is not surprising if he has no job and sleeps all day. I would encourage him to make better use of his time.

Is there any kind of job that he could do? Answering phones/stacking shelves/stuffing envelopes/data entry? If he can't get a job, encourage him to volunteer somewhere or join a club of some sort. Charity shops are always looking for volunteers, and many will accommodate people with disabilities. He could take a course in photography/cooking/etc. Anything that gets him out of the house and in contact with other people will help lift him out of this.

My husband has gone through periods of depression. They absolutely suck and it's miserable at the time, but you come out of the other side.

Don't buy into people's suggestions that you should bow out of a relationship the moment it stops being enjoyable - if you're going to be with the same person for the rest of your life then not every year will be a good one. Keep going.

Dom - do you love him? Can you see yourself in the same position when your ds is, at Uni, say?

Dominique, I'm entirely with Eurostar and Imgonnaliveforever here. You're not going to get much support on this thread judging by previous responses.

I'm not normally one to post against the grain here, but you have been treated very harshly. Is it the full moon?

You are not describing an abusive or exploitative situation. I can't believe that any man who posted here complaining about a chronically ill partner, who had similar health issues but was still able to go out with friends once a week, would be advised to kick her out.

You've asked for advice on how to support your partner (whose had a stroke FFS! ) and move forward.

I have a very dear old friend who recently started suffering epileptic fits, fugues and blackouts as a result of a 10 year-old head injury. The effect on his self-confidence, professional and family life have been catastrophic, but he is getting good medical help and is gradually understanding the parameters of his new life.

Go back to your GP for a start - tell them you can't cope any longer - it sounds as if there is help and support you can access. You need to get him properly assessed by a neurologist and take things from there. He sounds too frightened to take on any responsibility, which IMHO, is quite right when you have a toddler to take care of.

BTW -I have suffered intermittently from agoraphobia for years, and in my experience it comes and goes. There are bad days and OK-ish days when I CAN leave the house, especially if I'm seeing people I trust and feel comfortable with. And yes, sometimes that might involve socialising with a few drinks. I don't expect DH to divorce me as a result.

Well I phoned the GP and made an appointment today! I will ask questions, he has seen a neurologist who did say that the walking would problems be caused by the stroke. I don't know what support is out there, he needs help to get 'back to normal' my version of normal, not his.