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Relationships

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do i ask him for a proposal? anyone been in this position etc?

58 replies

SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 12:08

i split up with my partner because he wasn't showing enough commitment to the relationship and was flirting outrageously with another woman; everytime i've let him into my life he's got 'cold feet' and i'm sick of it. we have 1 child. He did eveything to get back with me to the point of waiting outside my house in the rain for a whole day, my phone didn't stop ringing etc...
so we've talked and he's promised to show me more commitment (with specific things addressed although he refused to let me read these correspondances with this woman i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he's put the brakes on that flirtation) and spend more time with us generaly, i'm worried that once again it won't last though.
should i let him move back in now, or not? I've said i would like a break until he shows more commitment, but he rightly pointed out how can he show commitment if he's not around? Lol, silly me.
How can i ask him to show more commitment?
Should i talk about engagement to him? We do love each other (we've been together 8 years) and if he freaks out at the suggestion i'll have my answer to how serious he is about 'commitment' and whether it's just talk or not right? We do after all, have a child together. I figure i have nothing to lose as i've already walked away from him once before i know i could do it again rather than be stuck in a limbo of never knowing if he's coming or going.
OR should i let him show commitment in other ways first, little steps?

I have no idea what to do for the best, but i have to act now to establish positive changes if our relationship is going to have a future.

OP posts:
SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 12:09

i was hoping he would suggest this himself, but he didn't, the man hates change.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/03/2010 12:10

Oh bin him off- too much like hard work.

RealityIsWalking100K · 26/03/2010 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BitOfFun · 26/03/2010 12:11

I changed my rude word to bin, Reality. Just to be nice.

RealityIsWalking100K · 26/03/2010 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Portofino · 26/03/2010 12:12

What Reality and BOF said. A wedding won't cure a crap relationship.

SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 12:12

lol, he has said he wants to show commitment - spending time with my family, putting pictures of our child in his office etc, that was his suggestion, but he's not mentioned anything beyond cohabitation.

OP posts:
IndiMamaJones · 26/03/2010 12:13

Life is too short and there are lots of good men who can actually act like a grown up in a relationship.

You have a child and he has 'cold feet'?

expatinscotland · 26/03/2010 12:14

I wouldn't waste my time with an immature excuse for a person like this, tbh.

You deserve better.

My only proposal would be, this is it: we are splitting for good, let's talk about visitation and child maintenance.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 26/03/2010 12:14

One of the ways he could show more commitment without being around is he could let you read his correspondence with the other women. Another way is he could commit to spending certain nights/days with you and your child, and stick to them. Another way is he could commit to joint counselling. There are lots of ways.

Don't get engaged as a way to fix a broken relationship, that's a bad bad idea.

BessieBoots · 26/03/2010 12:15

The fact that he won't show you the correspondence with the other woman is well dodgy. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Marriage doesn't actually change anything...

SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 12:29

i'm sure he didn't want me to see because he was terrified i would leave if i saw he was still talking to her. He hasn't actually cheated on me i'm certain of that, it's in the 'emotional affair' category.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/03/2010 12:32

Bolleaux.

He has impregnated you as his Holy Vessel, but he's just not that into you, sorry.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 26/03/2010 12:51

STW

You have written about him before haven;t you?. What has really changed now?.

What are you getting out of this relationship?. You're just going around in circles with this man (I use that term advisedly) and are actually stopping your own self from meeting someone potentially decent.

You split with him for very good reasons; he was being a jerk and a jerk he will always be. These men do not change and he is not your "project" to rescue and or save. He actually likes you around because he knows he can push your buttons and manipulate you to his own ends. Why are you letting him do this to you, what is in your pysche that is permitting him to act like this?.

What is love to you?.

BTW as well emotional affairs are just as damaging as physical ones. Do not underestimate what he has done to you.

Do not talk about engagement to him. Dearie me, no!. Would stick to the subject of your child along with associated visitation.

And don't let him move back in. He's a parasite.

WhoIsAsking · 26/03/2010 13:18

"putting pictures of our child in his office"

I am actually flabbergasted. Honestly I am.

What has happened to you that you are picking up crumbs (actually they're not even crumbs, they're more a crumb which has fallen from a crumb which was made of a crumby dinner) from this wanker's table of shite?

Dear Lord. Please don't degrade yourself any further, and kick this twat to the kerb (I don't even know what that means. ,clicky fingers>)

DemonChild · 26/03/2010 13:19

8 years is not 'cold feet'.

A man who, despite many pleas from you, does not make any changes to his behaviour does not love or respect you in the way you deserve.

I wouldn't live in this way, sorry.

MinnieMalone · 26/03/2010 13:21

Why would you even think of marriage at this point? Your relationship is hanging on by a thread. If he can prove to you - over a substantial period of time - that he is committed and trustworthy, you can reconsider. But for now, it should be the furthest thing from your mind.

thesecondcoming · 26/03/2010 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thumbwitch · 26/03/2010 13:25

marriage to this man at this stage = Very Bad Plan.

He can show commitment by NOT moving in and coming around every day to see his child and help out. He can take an interest, take the child out, do things on his own with the child - in fact, demonstrate some skills as a caring parent - things he will need whether or not you do stay together in the end. IF he can demonstrate these things when he is not living with you and having you do stuff for him, then perhaps he might be worth having back - but I'd make him wait a minimum of 3 months before even thinking about it.

Frankly, I wouldn't have him back - but I'm not you. And I would certainly want to see the correspondence!

ljgibbs · 26/03/2010 13:30

Dump the fucker.
He's knows which buttons to press and slowly but surely he will erode your self confidence to the point you will be begging him to stay.

Run now whilst you can.

MorrisZapp · 26/03/2010 13:41

Agree with everybody else.

If having a child together hasn't made him wise up to his commitments then forcing some toe curling 'proposal' out of him certainly isn't going to change anything.

This just isn't good enough. You need to get rid and work on your own self worth.

animula · 26/03/2010 13:41

"Showing more commitment" is not a single act, be it standing outside in the rain or getting engaged.

That's fairy tale time. It's the prince climbing the glass tower for the lovely lady therein. It's not real.

Real commitment is massive, radical reorganisation of his life, right now, without any "commitment" from you, to acknowledge the fact he has a child in his life. And a subsequent reorganisation for you.

That means already rejigging his work schedule, not so that he "helps out" but that he takes on a good share of the parenting. Yes, really.

You shouldn't be needing to post here, asking for advice about a single, solitary task he can accomplish to prove things. He should be thinking of lots and lots of ways that he is changing his life to put you and the child into it.

With the emphasis on him doing the thinking, and the acting.

I think an engagement would be a way for you both to spin out this playing around for a lot longer.

He doesn't need some sort of trial period, or commitment pentathlon, he should just be doing it. While you get on with your life, rather than standing around, scoring the performance.

While you're busy doing that scoring, you're still hanging around, as an audience to his performance/life, instead of living your own.

Stop it. If he wants to "win you back" (hideous phrase), fine. It's not your problem. It's his. He's not "winning you back" at the moment, because you're making it quite clear he hasn't "lost you".

Seriously, put some effort into your own life - not his. You deserve it after hanging around for 8 years, and having given birth to, and raised the child of (yourself and) this strange, silly man.

Who seems to think photos in the office = fatherhood.

CaptainRex · 26/03/2010 13:42

He did eveything to get back with me to the point of waiting outside my house in the rain for a whole day, my phone didn't stop ringing etc...

Am I the only one that thinks that this is just one step away from obsessive stalking? It certainly isnt normal behaviour

I agree with thumbwitch, only if after several months of continued demonstrated committment from afar would I only consider him, but after 8 years, it certainly doesnt sound like hes going to pull his finger out now

Anniegetyourgun · 26/03/2010 13:47

He can wait outside in the rain and make lots of phone calls - but he can't stop flirting corresponding with another woman. There's something missing in this relationship. I think it's him.

thesunshinesbrightly · 26/03/2010 14:01

You can't force him into marriage.

I would let him go, you obviously both want different things.

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