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Original poster

do i ask him for a proposal? anyone been in this position etc?

58 replies

SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 12:08

i split up with my partner because he wasn't showing enough commitment to the relationship and was flirting outrageously with another woman; everytime i've let him into my life he's got 'cold feet' and i'm sick of it. we have 1 child. He did eveything to get back with me to the point of waiting outside my house in the rain for a whole day, my phone didn't stop ringing etc...
so we've talked and he's promised to show me more commitment (with specific things addressed although he refused to let me read these correspondances with this woman i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt and say that he's put the brakes on that flirtation) and spend more time with us generaly, i'm worried that once again it won't last though.
should i let him move back in now, or not? I've said i would like a break until he shows more commitment, but he rightly pointed out how can he show commitment if he's not around? Lol, silly me.
How can i ask him to show more commitment?
Should i talk about engagement to him? We do love each other (we've been together 8 years) and if he freaks out at the suggestion i'll have my answer to how serious he is about 'commitment' and whether it's just talk or not right? We do after all, have a child together. I figure i have nothing to lose as i've already walked away from him once before i know i could do it again rather than be stuck in a limbo of never knowing if he's coming or going.
OR should i let him show commitment in other ways first, little steps?

I have no idea what to do for the best, but i have to act now to establish positive changes if our relationship is going to have a future.

OP posts:
BalloonSlayer · 26/03/2010 14:13

"he has said he wants to show commitment - spending time with my family, putting pictures of our child in his office etc,"

Seriously, that's laughable, OP. He thinks he is doing you a favour by putting a photograph of his own child in his office? Really? And you didn't laugh in his face?

Ineedsomesleep · 26/03/2010 14:20

Why would you want to be with this man? Tell him that you want to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Get a babysitter and go out, without him.

Its about time you showed some backbone ffs.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2010 16:38

what the hell is wrong with you ?

get a grip, woman

I actually have no other words

amber1979 · 26/03/2010 16:49

Yep, you're making a fool of yourself trying to force a man to marry you... If you don't know why that's a bad idea.. You're hopless.

Maggie00 · 26/03/2010 17:10

He's flirting with other women and taking you for granted. Also, If he doesn't really WANT to marry the mother of his child then you should ask yourself why you want him. Just let him go. Cook him a nice dinner and he'll probably be all tense worrying that you're about to back his fabulous ass in to a corner and tie him down. Then you can take him by surprise for the first time in years by dumping him.

You can enjoy being single. There are plenty of benefits, and in time, you will probably meet somebody who does value you.

Original poster
SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 17:58

i probably am hopeless but he came and looked after me and baby when i was really ill even though i told him i could manage, he does seem to be trying?

OP posts:
FabIsGettingThere · 26/03/2010 18:00

Sorry but you sound about 12.

If he wanted to marry you he would have asked by now.

Sorry.

Get shot and have some time with your child. You don't need a man to live your life and be happy. You know that don't you?

Devendra · 26/03/2010 18:01

Seriously? He sounds like a complete and utter selfish twat. Get rid and get yourself some self esteem.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2010 18:04

did he think he was doing you a "favour" to look after baby when you were ill ?

more shockingly...did you ?

it sounds like he is "doing you a favour" to stay in your life, but only if you have to keep begging and debasing yourself

oh, and ignoring infidelity

why would you do that ?

wouldn't you rather have some self-respect than that ?

Original poster
SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 18:09

i already did dump him, we went out for a fancy dinner and i told him i knew all about his flirting with this other woman and that he was a jerk for basically ommiting to ever mention he has a child blah de blah. Actually, he's very good with her but only in private, he doesn't feel comfortable seeing himself as a dad. He couldn't explain the flirting he just said he wanted me to notice and was making a bigger deal out of rediscovering an old friendship than he should but he doesn't know why he did it! He said it might be because he was jealous of the male attention i get ??? And he wanted to keep one foot both sides of the fence if possible, and he knows he was an idiot. So i've told him we are on a break to consider whether he is serious about his commitment promises and that he needs to show me commitment, although i feel guilty because he is homeless now and sleeping on friend's couches!

I'm thinking i'll say to him from what everyone here has suggested...give it your best shot at being commited, i'm not going to keep a score or tell you how, you should know what i want by now and if you don't feel like your life is heading down the same path then i want you gone from our lives right now because i'm getting on with my life and if you want to help and be part of this family it's appreciated, if you don't we can arrange visiting and maintenance.

Should i go away for a week and stop seeing him first though to give him time to decide if this was a gut reaction?

I've got to say, i'm enjoying the time not stressing about someone else.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 26/03/2010 18:10

You dont show committment.You either are committed or you are not.

This man isnt committed to you and your child. And he wont be.

Break it off and find somebody who can and will love you.

FabIsGettingThere · 26/03/2010 18:12

OMG he doesn't feel comfortable seeing himself as a dad?!?!?

Nothing we can say will make nay difference as you have made you mind up and I am sure you will be back in his bed before long.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2010 18:14

as we speak, fab, as we speak

severn, serious question....how old are you ?

FabIsGettingThere · 26/03/2010 18:15
Confused
Original poster
SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 18:18

:-(! ok ok guys, what should i say? i didn't ask him to come 'look after me' he just turned up! one of our mutual friends must have told him.

OP posts:
Original poster
SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 18:19

lol - i'm 25. i should point out this is the only relationship i've been in.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 26/03/2010 18:20

Yes, how old are you?

FabIsGettingThere · 26/03/2010 18:20

And don't keep it that way.

You deserve better and so does your child.

Portofino · 26/03/2010 18:23

So when he's in public, he what, tries to disown his own child? Is that what "in private" means? No photo in the office? My DH has them everywhere - we laughingly call it the DD Shrine.

He truly is a useless waste of space! He wants to pretend to be single and just come crawling home for comfort. Tough if he is someone else's sofa. Honestly - kick him into touch! He sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do still. How old is he?

Original poster
SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 18:25

what should a man be doing in his situation? lol, speking from a lack of experience - although actually that speaks volum about what he's not doing i guess.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/03/2010 18:26

severn...please take this advice from an old-timer

so, this is the only relationship you have been in ?

it is not a good one

not even one that is a bit poor... it is crap

you really should dump him, learn some lessons about what is acceptable behaviour from a grown man and a dad

there are better role models out there for your dc

how would you feel in 20 years time..if your dd was being treated like this ? What advice would you give her ?

Original poster
SevernTrentWater · 26/03/2010 18:29

he is also 25, and not finished graduate school - i.e all his friends are students. his first relationship too so he's never realy had a chance to be single, we'll he just has, he claims he found it dissapointing and empty - heck it was only a few days! I was just hoping that maybe this had given him the jolt he needed and he might be serious, since he gave me an excedllent reason to break up.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadow · 26/03/2010 18:29

A MAN in that position should live with you, cherish you and your child, give the two of you his undivided attention, consider you both in everything that he does. He will spend most of his time with you and child, he will without any issue share in housework, and childrelated issues, without any doubt stay home with his child while you are out with friends, or going to the cinema with a mate, or just a coffee, or a trip to the gym. The three of you would be a family unit and his entire life would be centred around this.

Maggie00 · 26/03/2010 18:51

I've got to say, i'm enjoying the time not stressing about someone else.
I've got to say, i'm enjoying the time not stressing about someone else.
I've got to say, i'm enjoying the time not stressing about someone else.
I've got to say, i'm enjoying the time not stressing about someone else.

Sorry for pasting that four times, but I want you to think about your own words. You are only 25 years old. You should enjoy a bit of your youth!! You can't do it if you're watching him trying to rein him in all the time.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 26/03/2010 19:45

he doesn't feel comfortable seeing himself as a dad.

Oh My Fucking God. And you think this is ok? Normal? I know 17 year old boys who have children, they might be a bit lacking in the adulthood department, but they are proud of being fathers. One boy has his DD's name tattooed all down his arm! My DH is proudest of being a father over anything else he has ever done in his life. That just makes me.....sad. Sad for your DC. What is his problem?