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Relationships

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Original poster

after that "defining moment" how long was it before you separated?

58 replies

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 18:51

Sorry, thread leading on from a thread. I was just wondering, if you had a definining moment, or even a dull thud, how long was it before you actually separated.

i think i may have had my thud, but somehow i can't end it

OP posts:

Janestillhere · 23/03/2010 19:03

Oh, I think it was just a few weeks.

I think, after trying for many years to make things alright, I realised after he said the weekends were for him to relax. Meaning that he would never, never, do anything with us as a family, it was all about him.

I realised at that moment, things would never change. I would always be doing everything alone, as I had always done.

Myself and the children could mange, and do manage, without him.

Janestillhere · 23/03/2010 19:04

Manage, not mange. Sorry.

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 19:05

before that did you relaly think that things might change or that you could make it work? or do you think you knew deep down that it wouldn't?

OP posts:

Janestillhere · 23/03/2010 19:11

I knew things woudn't change because I had tried many times to talk about how things could be better, if we did things this way or that.

I had written him a letter to try and talk to him. I found it difficult to confornt him as he would blow up and overreact etc.

It was easier to write to him and get my point over.

He did admit he read it, though several months later, nothing changed.

I was a single parent even though I was married.

Thigs are much more relaxed now we have left. There is no atmosphere, no walking on eggshells trying to keep the kids quiet or the room tidy. We are just us. And it is great.

I don't want to sound as if everything is fab alround, of course it isn't. But things are 300% better. We can be us.

partytime · 23/03/2010 19:14

JAne - my ex liked his weekends for him too, especially after OW on scene (not that I knew about OW at that point) before we had always done things as a family, he became very selfish with his time.
We manage now without him, 6 months on, but I do miss having someone here to share things with and come home to after work.

BertieBotts · 23/03/2010 19:18

The first time I thought that I wanted to leave was some time in July last year. I realised I felt like my life was just on hold until I could leave, but didn't feel able to do so.

The date I actually realised I definitely was going to leave was at the end of August. We were going on holiday so I pushed it to the back of my mind but shortly after this, maybe a week or two into September, I started looking for advice and told my Mum etc.

It took about three months to get housing etc sorted and I eventually left at the beginning of December.

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 19:28

I went to the "advice shop" in town today to get some advice on leaving him. ie, what (if anything) i'd be entitled to, but they were less than useless.

but doing it has scared me. I keep looking at my house, at all the things we saved up to buy, at all the stuff that we have planned to do but haven't done yet.
and i feel like i can't just throw it all away.

but i know that this isn't right either. I think we'd both be happier living separately, but I can't seem to make that jump yet

OP posts:

Janestillhere · 23/03/2010 19:28

Partytime, you must resent it more than me, the rationing of time at weekends, as we never had it. He would do anything and be wonderful for everyone else, neighbours, friends etc, yet if you asked him to come for a picnic or just a day out - we had no chance!

Bertiebotts, you were a better person than me, I could not have 'been ok' on holiday etc, living a lie almost, knowing....

Once I realised what was I was going to do, I had to do it. I told him.

Janestillhere · 23/03/2010 19:31

All that stuff means nothihg when it comes down to your own mental heath and the happiness of the kids.

Something can just tip you over the edge, and you think, 'I'm not doing this anymore'

MarshaMallow · 23/03/2010 19:42

I left the same night/early dawn as my 'defining moment'...no kids involved though do it really was just a case of pack up my stuff and leave.

Rented, furnished accommodation so no ties to keep me there at all.

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 19:48

thisisyesterday you won't be throwing it all away, none of it really matters at the end of the day, not compared to your mental health.

Think of it as like coming home from a long holiday. It was fun, there where great moments, there where stressful moments, but it has ended and life goes on. Just becuase you are home again doesn't mean you should never have bothered going on holiday, just that it's time came to an end.

overmydeadbody · 23/03/2010 19:49

to answer the OP, two weeks, give or take...

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 19:52

I think, when he isn't here, I just remember the good things and I think it can be like it again.
but then when he is here it isn't like that at all and we just argue and it's shit, and it isn't fair on the kids

I know I need to do it. It would probably mean selling the house and everything though. it just sucks so bad

OP posts:

youcantlabelme · 23/03/2010 19:55

oh dear.

i think i had my defining moment on Saturday morning- he went away for the weekend and I did not miss him at all.When he came back late Sunday night, I thought 'oh no, you're back'

We have been tiptoeing around this issue for a while now and as he said in the text sent to me this morning 'neither of us are happy, we need to talk'

I said yes we do need to sort it out, but we both got home from work and avoided the issue, and now he has gone out.

We have been together 17 1/2 years and I think have just come to the end of the road

Janestillhere · 23/03/2010 19:57

How you think it will need to be, is not necessarily (sp?) the case .

I went in to the solicitors on that day, thinking she would tell me roughly the same info friends and family had. She didn't.

In fact it's quite different to how I expected. But better.

Make an appointment with a solicitor specialising in family law.

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 20:00

I need to talk to him but I don't want to be the one to start the conversation.

we've had huge rows before and i've told him i want him to leave and he has refused.
hmm

OP posts:

lilac21 · 23/03/2010 20:02

For me, August 2008 I knew there was no hope for us. It took until January 2009 to tell him so that we both had to confront it and deal with it. It's now March 2010, and although we are separated in almost every way, there is still only one roof over both our heads! That is about to change though, I move out in 17 days (me? counting? )

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 20:15

how come it took so long lilac?

OP posts:

RaceyLacey · 23/03/2010 20:22

I didn't want to be with my ex for years, was going through the motions for about 7 or 8 years, but the 'thud' came at my friends wedding. I suddenly was very scared, didn't want to be saying vows I didn't mean and it ended just over a month later.

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 21:07

i'm being all materialistic too. i don't want to have no money!

OP posts:

inafix · 23/03/2010 21:40

thisisyesterday, you sound like you are at exactly the same stage as me. I know I don't want to be with him any more, but I am stalling because of the children and because, frankly, I will be bloody poor as a single parent and I'm used to a pretty comfortable way of life. Unhappy, but comfortable.

I think I had my 'moment' a few weeks ago, when it just hit me with such clarity that I was done with being talked to like that and made to feel like shit and doing everything without him. We're now at Relate but I feel as if I'm just going through the motions. I've decided I need to talk to a solicitor and get a plan together.

I just feel so, so, so dreadful that it will be me breaking up our family. I just hope my children will be able to forgive me when they're older.

Good luck thisisyesterday, it's really not easy, is it?

lilac21 · 23/03/2010 21:42

It took so long due to a combination of factors. It took 6 weeks from the 'this is over' talk before he agreed to sleep in the spare room (his home office too, so no point in me moving in there). He refused to go to mediation, he refused to tell anyone, he asked me to have a church blessing on our marriage before we told the children what was happening (this apparently would give them the 'right message', I refused to go along with it). I suggested several practical ways of living separately, he refused to agree and later denied that we had discussed some of them. He refused to move out because he has paid the mortgage and therefore it is 'his' house. He refused to sell because it is an investment for his retirement (he's nearly 52).

Eventually, he agreed to mediation and we went in August. At the 4th session he agreed to give me an amount equal to about 30% of the equity in the house, saying it was all he could realistically afford. I know that he laid his hands on £90k just like that, and borrowed £110k, which costs him slightly over £110 a month. My mortgage will be £850 a month. I offered on a house a week after that last mediation session, but unfortunately the vendors were numptys/a**eholes or similar because they are masters of delaying tactics and we only exchanged last week.

Ideally, the house purchase would have gone through more quickly and I would have been out of here before Christmas, instead it will be after Easter. Renting wasn't really an option at £1300 a month for a 3 bed house.

BertieBotts · 23/03/2010 21:51

The holiday was ok, because I just pushed it to the back of my mind and pretended to myself it wasn't happening. It was the three months between then and actually leaving that were awful (I couldn't tell him I was going as the relationship was abusive). Living a lie went against my nature completely

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 21:51

inafix, yes, sounds like we're in the same place

i think another issue is that actually, he isn't horrible to me. he is mostly nice to me. I wish he would be nasty to me, or have an affair, so that i could easily finish it.
I resent him hugely though, and this is the cause of most of our arguments and the arguments are affecting the children and it needs to end.

OP posts:

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 21:52

Bertie :-(

did it help at all that you knew you wre going to leave?

OP posts:

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