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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

after that "defining moment" how long was it before you separated?

58 replies

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 18:51

Sorry, thread leading on from a thread. I was just wondering, if you had a definining moment, or even a dull thud, how long was it before you actually separated.

i think i may have had my thud, but somehow i can't end it

OP posts:

scarlotti · 23/03/2010 21:55

thisisyesterday and inafix am in the same boat I think. We had our first relate appointment tonight but I'm less optimistic now than before we went. I've been unhappy for a while but let it slide. I know if there were no dc's then we'd be apart.
Am thinking of going to see a family law person to find out the exact ins and outs of what would happen etc. so I'm armed with the facts. DD has her gcse's this year though so I won't be doing anything drastic until after June. It is such a difficult position to be in.

scarlotti · 23/03/2010 21:56

thisisyesterday
i think another issue is that actually, he isn't horrible to me. he is mostly nice to me. I wish he would be nasty to me, or have an affair, so that i could easily finish it.

I could have written that myself

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 23/03/2010 21:58

I suggested relate to dp and he said "do you think we need it then?"

i don';t think it would fix us though. god, how can i pull my children's life apart? even though i know that it is for their own good, becasue i will be happier... and how will i cope with 3 children under 6 by myself?

OP posts:

inafix · 23/03/2010 22:03

thisisyesterday, this is weirdly similar. He is faithful, good generally with the children, and hasn't done anything sufficiently terrible that would justify me leaving (an affair, being abusive).

His negativity and criticism has just worn me down over the years so much that, now he is finally trying a bit, it's too late and I am waiting for him to give me the excuse I am looking for to end it.

I have two children under two. Once again, I wish you luck with your three x

scarlotti · 23/03/2010 22:06

We started the relate ball rolling last year as our sex life is pants and there's little to no desire on my part. It got delayed as I was pg - fast forward to tonight and it was our first session. Things have deteriorated a bit since so she suggested we talk about the issues we have as a couple. His response after was that we hadn't discussed the sex thing, and also was moaning at the fact if we go weekly it will cost a fair bit.

I know I would be happier on my own and my life would be more relaxed and easygoing. I have 3dc's too, although dd(15) isn't his. DS1 would be upset but DS2 is too young to notice.

You would cope, you'd have no choice .. but you would have more mental energy for it as it wouldn't be drained away by thinking about your situation.

Have to go do a night feed now but will check in and say hi tomorrow.

inafix · 23/03/2010 22:24

scarlotti, sorry to hear your first relate session felt so bleak. we've done six sessions now and dh has just moved out of our bedroom and back into the spare room, where he was previously festering in his teenage cave for months. Oh dear. Your dh would be demanding a refund

Selfishness of destroying my children's lives by splitting us up, I know a major factor that's stopping me going IS coping with two under two on my own. I know you're right in that I'd cope if I had to, but still...

Hope the night feed went well.

inafix · 23/03/2010 22:25

I meant selfishness aside...

BertieBotts · 23/03/2010 22:56

I won't go into it - I will just say that you get through it, you just have to take it day by day and it's something you have to do. Knowing the end is in sight is both uplifting and terrifying! But on the other side now, it is just as good as I thought it would be, in fact better.

RunningOutOfNames · 23/03/2010 23:06

I still haven't gone, many years after lots of defining moments, so I can really only blame myself for the misery I'm living in. As one of you said, if he would just have (another) affair or be really horrible, it would be so much easier.

I spend my whole day looking on the web at houses, trying to sort the huge debts we've incurred, trying to summon up the courage to just ask him to go.

My overriding reason is probably cowardice - I just don't know how you start that conversation as our communication is so poor I don't even know if he'd be surprised, devastated or even relieved.

Other factors are how our two DDs would feel, eldest DD doing GCSEs and having to sell up and leave a home I love

I'm even boring myself I've been thinking about this so long.

YanknCock · 23/03/2010 23:17

I decided I was going to ask for a divorce within two weeks of the defining moment (we'd had some discussion about it afterward, but I think he thought we were just going to limp along as we always had). Then XH went away on a business trip, and being alone gave me time to think.

I had to wait another 2 weeks to tell XH because I had friends coming to stay with us and I didn't want them walking into all that. It was so hard. We went over to Paris to see XH at the end of his business trip and I had to try to act normal, all the while knowing what I was going to do. Very hard being alternately irritated and sad/nostalgic. I kept being tearful and he had no idea why. Finally told him when we were back in the UK and he wasn't all that surprised.

We took separate bedrooms in the same house from then on, but I tried to be out of the house a lot for the next month, staying at work or with friends. Then I went to the U.S. for 3 weeks and when I came back I was essentially living with a guy from work who I started seeing (now DH2).

XH was supposed to move out of our house and I was to get a lodger, but suddenly he refused to, so I continued to stay with boyfriend for a bit then got a room in a shared house for a while. XH got a lodger.

We had a huge ongoing battle about selling the house that finally had to be resolved in court, then the divorce was final a few months after.

So from defining moment to decree absolute, it was almost exactly 11 months.

I can't believe it has only been 2 years since that. It feels like a lifetime ago. Only wish I had done it sooner, but I feel like at least I spent 4.5 years REALLY trying and we had all the therapy we could afford.

FrazzledDad · 24/03/2010 00:11

In response to your OP, I guess it was about a month from the defining moment. I realised I would never be able to make the relationship what I wanted it to be. Carrying on as we were would have been detrimental to me and would have had a knock-on effect to my DCs.

It made me realise that I didn't care about any of the material shit, I just wanted time with my DCs (which was agreed without fuss).

ItsGraceAgain · 24/03/2010 00:24

Dull thud: 1st January. Final, hideous row: 5th March. After the New years Eve party, some of my delusions started falling away (I literally felt as though "veils fell from my eyes") As a result of noticing how irrational his criticisms were, and what an unpleasant shit he was in general, I didn't try so hard to appease & please him. Couple of months of that, he got very cross indeed and buggered off. My first move was to make sure he wouldn't try for a(nother) reconciliation.

I should have just dumped him as a New Year's gift to myself. Maybe I needed the educational experiences that followed, who knows?

Don't hang around too long, you'll only get depressed.

scarlotti · 24/03/2010 09:56

inafix we're in seperate rooms as is easier with me doing night feeds and him working. His 'room' is indeed a teenage cave, your comment made me laugh ironically.

Runningoutofnames - I really hope you can muster up the courage to take that step. I couldn't carry on after an affair if I wasn't happy before, and would struggle even if I was. My dd is doing her gcse's this summer too so it's a haitus for me until then. Who knows what will happen then, guess how the relate sessions go will have a bearing on it.

RunningOutOfNames · 24/03/2010 10:19

Best of luck, Scarlotti. I was lurking on the passive agressive thread when WWIFNormal gave her usual amazing advice. Hope it all works out for you and the whole situation doesn't affect your DD too much.

scarlotti · 24/03/2010 12:15

runningoutofnames - I've just been lurking on the am I spineless and naive thread where you mentioned WWIFNormal's response. She is very insightful and hit the nail on the head.
We're still playing the same roles so who knows where we'll end up.
All the best for you with whatever you decide.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/03/2010 12:36

Two hideous years #shudder# Two years of living under the same roof while he tried all the silly tricks he was capable of. Two years to finalise the divorce and four months longer to sell the house. My friend said that I am doing very well being in the least bit functional, as most people having gone through that would be sitting in the corner rocking gently. Well, I'm not far off it.

Original poster

thisisyesterday · 24/03/2010 12:37

it's kind of sad that so many of us are in the same boat isn't it?

i was talking about it in real life this morning to a few friends, whose unanimous verdict was "men are like that" and "you can't break up a family"
so now i feel shit

I feel awful even thinking about leaving and not having spoken to dp about it. he was being all cheery this morning and it just made me want to cry.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 24/03/2010 12:42

They don't know what they are talking about. Thank goodness not all "men are like that" and what do they mean, you "can't" break up a family? A family isn't a thing, it's people who live together, and if people aren't happy living together they shouldn't have to. You need a better class of friend. Here, you can borrow some of mine, they're lovely.

autumnlight · 24/03/2010 12:58

RunningOutOfNames - sounds similar to me. This marriage has made me so unhappy. There has not even been a happy month, yet alone a year out of 11 years of marriage.

And I wish he would have an affair (that I obviously knew about) as that would, give me the final push. I really don't understand why I feel like this as he has done every other horrible thing to me (abuse - physical/mental, alcoholic etc).

There is no happy future in my marriage. I have decided that.

autumnlight · 24/03/2010 13:03

Forgot to add - I am worried about dealing with the onslaught from my H - he is extremely manipulative etc (have posted on NPD thread) and he would 'up the games' (don't know how else to put it!) if we were in a divorce scenario under the same roof (which financially/practically I cannot see an alternative to).

autumnlight · 24/03/2010 13:05

So, for me, there has probably been many defining moments - but it is hard dealing with someone who wants to 'destroy' you.

scarlotti · 24/03/2010 13:08

thisisyesterday - I disagree with your rl friends, you deserfve to be happy and your dc's deserve a happy mum. I've just posted this which might help you feel you're not alone.

autumn - if you refused to play the games would that enable you to get through the act of seperating?

skinnyhinny · 24/03/2010 13:27

I'm finding (and Yes I know I've said it before if you're all getting bored with me!!!) my H has turned a corner now and for the past year has been lovely. In fact I just passed him on the stairs and he was all happy and cheery and yes, I too want to cry. BUT it puts me in such an awful position as how can I leave now when he is making SUCH AN EFFORT to be nice to me and make it work?????!!!!! HONESTLY if he was still being the shit he was on and off for all those past 10 years I would definitely leave - it gives me a REASON!!! All of you who actually have that reason should run for the hills. I@m in a very lucky position I know as money is no issue and I could leave tomorrow and I know it's not the same for most of you but PLEASE don't leave it till it's too late.

autumnlight · 24/03/2010 13:36

scarlotti - unfortunately, my H is a narcissistic bully and when it comes to money, (his ace card - he is a high-earner/I am SAHM) he is very nasty, and gets very angry that I should have a right to any of the equity from the house he has paid for. It is like unleashing a new, even worse kind of monster as soon as money is involved.

Sorry to be negative - but at least I know what I would be up against. Worse of the same existing nasty characteristics.

Janestillhere · 24/03/2010 16:17

Autumnlight - SNAP!

Terrible isn't it?

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